to ask that family members give us time to adjust as a new family, b4 bombarding us with visits??

[Tangas]

hi all, i'm due to give birth anyday to our 2nd child. i have asked both sides of our families to give us a day or two on our own as a family unit, before they all load up round here to make a fuss of the new baby.

I'm considering our 2yr old DS and how he's gonna feel about having to "share" mummy & daddy for the first time. How hes gonna feel watching everyone cooing & gooing over a new baby.
but also myself, I remember how my feet didn't touch the ground when we bought our first baby home, it was manic!!
I would like time for us to all adjust to new family life first. AIBU???
DP's sisters are apparently feeling quite upset about it, and feel as tho i'm saying they can't come and see the new baby. which is not it at all!! i'm even going to be askin the same og my family members... what do i do?? AIBU???

[GentlyDidIt]

My cousin had a premature baby 2 years ago and she told the whole family that visitors were not allowed on the SCBU apart from her and her partner because of an MRSA scare, so no-one except grandparents met the baby (who was fighting for her life) for about 2 months. Even then family members were complaining and crying "selfish" - I'm talking aunts/uncles and cousins, even though that exhausted, frightened new family spent precious hours on the phone updating and reassuring everyone. WTF?

Earlier this year she confessed to me that she had made the MRSA bit up as she just couldn't handle our family at the time, especially after seeing what we went through with the arrival of DD1 (similar story to castiel's and kitkatqueen's). I thought "good for you."

Did I mention that they invited me to visit in SCBU when she was a month old? - what a privilege, something I did not expect and would never have dreamed of asking for. I didn't breathe a word to the rest of the family as I knew they would all get their noses out of joint and want their "fair share" They still crow and strut around each other about who got to see her first when she was finally allowed home.

[slushy06]

YANBU I plan to have no visitors except my mum until I have left hospital and then I will allow a short visit for grandparents only. Then everyone else can visit on the weekend after I have had baby

[Stayingsunnygirl]

It is entirely your choice, and you should do what you feel is best for your family - that's you, ds, dh and the new lo. If you ask people to wait to be invited, then you can decide when you feel up to visitors.

Personally I wanted lots of visitors as I enjoyed the fuss and showing off the new ds - but that's my choice. You should enjoy this lovely time in the way that suits you best - and I wish you lots of happiness and joy with the new addition to your family.

[ladylush]

OP I really don't blame you for wanting a few days to yourselves. We had loads of visitors trickling in and out during the two weeks after having ds. I didn't mind my mum and mil. They were enormously helpful and I could see how important it was for them to see their grandchild (esp. my mum as it was her first). But others................no, they really can wait 2 days before visiting. I remember dh's aunt poking my tummy and saying "ooh, you got another one in there?" I would usually find it weird or funny but post baby hormones sent me into tears. I did feel very delicate - emotionally and physically. I had been awake for 48 hours and did not get a chance to catch up on sleep because I was bf. Whoever said you will upset someone was right - why should that someone be you? Esp. when you have been through the mill during the birth. Nothing wrong with putting you and your family first in this instance. Good luck with the birth

[PlumBumMum]

I understand why some of you feel that way as some of your relatives seem down right rude,
but again going back to what I said earlier thatis exactly why I prefer to get all the visits over with in the hospital(although not the delivery suite) and then get home and settle into a routine

Castiel

[Gillyan]

YANBU - I plan to have no visitors for a while as last time was just a total nightmare.

I just want my DP and my daughter to come to the hospital for the first 2 days to give them both time to get used to the baby. If anything I then thought I could have the grandparents, aunty & Uncle and my best friend come to the hospital without my DD being there, after that and then when I am home I don't want any visitors for a few days.

I had DD on my own last time so this is DPs first baby and I want to make sure he and my DD are comfortable around the baby before tons of visitors descend.

I have explained to everyone in advance this. I am having a section this time too so I'm going tobe feeling rough. I know everyone will be dying to see thebaby but they have got forever to see the baby, you ever get those first few days back.

[2rebecca]

re castiels' experience. I would have given my husband strict instructions to send all visitors away and tell them we wanted no visitors for 2 days. As you had already requested this I really wouldn't have tolerated folk hanging around. If I was sobbing in the bathroom I would have expected my husband to put me first and shoo visitors out telling them we'd only just got back and I was tired after the labour.
A notice on the door sounds a good idea in that sort of situation.
I had bad piles and heavy bleeding and could hardly sit down. Visitors wanting to coo over babies and be fussed over, and their presents admired etc are great, just not straight after the birth.

[GoodWitchGlinda]

It is hard, because they will all be desperate to see the new baby. You have to do what feels right for you, but explain it to everyone so they understand your reasoning.

When DD was born, we came home from the hospital at about 8.30 pm to find 2 family members waiting in our house! And they didn't leave for about 3 hours! I was exhausted, new mom, trying to figure out how to BF, did not want it.

FOr the next one, we are going to ask for no welcoming committee on the first day, but we will let people visit on the second day I think as I personally wouldn't want to make them wait more than 1 day before they meet the newbie.

[Stigaloid]

gah! my spelling these days is awful - when is mumsnet going to get spell checker for us preg-heads with sponge brains?

[Stigaloid]

YANBU - birth is not hte easiest thing to go to and adjusting to a new member takes time. You will be tired and wanting to get to know your new baby. Your fmaily should respect your wishes and your space. It isnt their baby and it isn't their house. Put up a no visitors - mum and new baby resting sign and unplug the doorbell for a few days.

If they are miffed then tough. It isn't about them - this is about you and your immedaite family.

[bohemianbint]

I think Gentlydidit has it right. If you have lovely considerate family you can't imagine the hell that it can become.

[FairLadyRantALot]

depends on the family...if they are the kind that will be helpful and useful, than all the better...

also, if other people are there to coo, than you have more time for your first dc...

however, make sure that people either don't bring pressies, or also bring something for first dc and also, tha everyone first makes a fuss over dc1, before the cooing begins...

[summerbird]

TBH with me it is more my neighbours i am worried about now, they are curtain twitchers and i know they are gonna be straight out the door when our car pulls up after the hosp.

I am currently 9 days overdue and am scared to put the bin out for fear of being ambushed and asked 'ooh have you not had it yet? have you tried curry and sex?' grrr!!

[bohemianbint]

castiel, that's awful.

DS1 - we were ignored in the relentless stampede of overbearing people for a period of about 2 weeks. It sounds dramatic but we both go quite depressed afterwards and I put a lot of it down to this.

DS2 - we learnt from out experiences and asked for a couple of days. DH's family understood and were fantastic. My family were shits and saw their arses about the whole thing but it's really helped us to reassess our relationship with them, to be honest. Much better and more serene the second time.

YANBatallU. Good luck and enjoy your baby.

[summerbird]

This is an emotive subject for me as i have had to have similar conversations with both sides of our family. I am expecting DC1 any day now and i feel exactly the same as the OP. I really feel for people who have had experiences like castiel and kitkatqueen

It is not just about the bonding, it is more to let the new parents (and siblings) have a day or two just to rest and adjust to a new routine, for me i know i will want to just get my head round it all. I dont think that is too much to ask. It is the one time in a womans life when she is entitled to be a tiny bit selfish!

My mum said that in the first week of having each of her three children that my poor dad spent the whole of his paternity leave(s) answering the door and making tea for visitors, he hardly had any opportunity to spend any time with his girls or my mum. That is his lasting memory of paternity leave sadly.

Someone on here said that the new parents have all the time in the world to bond with their baby - well the same goes for the family IMO.

OP you are absolutely definitely NBU!

[BradfordMum]

This obviously depends on which perspective you're looking at.
From a new mums, you want a bit of time alone as a family, but from a grandparents, they want to see the new baby as soon as possible.
I personally loved all the visitors when my 3 were born, and although tiring, I was made to feel special and clever for producing such pretty/handsome offspring!
My visitors always made a massive amount of fuss to the older children who just thought it was one big party.
But, my children are
19, 21 and 24 and so being a grandparent may not be too long off and I would be hurt and disappomted if I wasn't allowed to see my new GC at the earliest opportunity.

Tangas, imagine 20 years on, when your dd/ds ask you not to visit them for a few days
Whole families should bond, not just in dribs and drabs, but that is my Opinion!

[Castiel]

Do you know, before dd I did wonder why people weren't desperate to show off their babies straight away, in fact I may have believed it slightly selfish to stop close family from visiting as soon as possible. Oh how things have changed.

I had a 2 day long, very traumatic labour with a 6hr second stage, every intervention going and an eventual em cs. I was discharged 12 hours later having been awake for 4 days, severely anaemic and extremely fraught. I requested a day or 2 to recover before visitors.

As dh drove us round the corner to our house, the first visitors were on the doorstep. I locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed. I had blood leaking through my trousers and couldn't get downstairs to get my maternity pads because they were there cooing over the baby. I sat on that bathroom floor and hated my first hours at home with my new baby. The visitors didn't stop until that evening. The next day they turned up at 7am and stayed all day, expecting lunch cooked for them. Now, not all family members are inconsiderate fecks but I now full respect any woman's right to say not yet to visitors.

[2rebecca]

I don't see why relatives will be upset at not seeing a baby for a couple of days. The trouble with the "entertaining them for an hour" idea is that all the relatives don't come in the same hour and leave after an hour and not come back for a while. They all want "their" time with the baby and can hang about for ages and then keep turning up. We had an early visiting half of family and a distant half. My eldest was several day old when my mum saw him as she had to travel up and arrange leave from work, he was 3 weeks old when my dad saw him. I didn't see my nephews until they were several weeks old as they live so far away.
I think having a few calm days is a great idea. I was just tired and sore the first few days and really glad not to have alot of visitors. You need the visitors when baby is about 6 weeks and crying for hours on an evening.

[Baisey]

I dont think asking for a few days to get yourself established is unreasonable. To be honest I thought it was the norm! When I had DS I didnt get visitors till about 4 days after and when my cousin had her baby on the Tuesday we visited on the saturday. It's politeness.

[Champagneforlunch]

I also really think it depends on the people who are likely to come and visit.
It would have been impossible I think to keep my family away when my dd was born but then again they came with dd1 who they had been looking after, they brought dinner and did my washing. The in laws however are coming in over the weekend (she was born on wed) and i'm not looking forward to that but my mum has said she'll stay and help when everyone is here.
I was also pretty glad of the company the last couple of days don't know if i could of survived three days of just dh's company.

I'm shocked at the post about visitors in the delivery suites here partners don't even get on the ward without the midwifes oking it and labour suite is like fort knox to get into. Can't imagine how I would have felt if people turned up minutes after I'd given birth, I felt funnny enough getting a photo taken.

[FrannyandZooey]

YANBU

[JenniPenni]

Sorry, meant to write my post above to Tangas!

[JenniPenni]

Kitkat, do what's best for YOU. You don't have to pander around anybody.

If you need the first day with your lil one then so be it. At this time the last thing you need is to be thinking of family members and how they will/will not react... just think of yourself and the birth ahead, you really don't need this added stress.

In life, no matter what you do, you will upset someone.. that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

[kitkatqueen]

As mothers / parents we frequently put ourselves at the bottom of the pile when it comes down to whose thoughts feelings and everything else come 1st.

I think in the post birth hours you should be entitled to put yourself 1st if you want to, I think you've earned it

It would be lovely if you could "share the Joy" without the negative side that u can end up with.

Actually tho - would you risk your family visiting after this happened???

I'm sure i've posted this before, possibly not in this detail, but I will never forget that after I had dd2 4 members of my family walked into the delivery suite ( sign says no visitors) while I was still covered in blood literally within about 10mins of giving birth, a doctor was trying to asses me because I was having trouble breathing, my dds temp had dropped and the midwife and someone else were checking her over in the corner whilst my family were watching and suggesting that there should be more chairs and eyeing the bed I was still in because they wanted to sit down.

I was then tranferred to the ward to be monitored because of my breathing problems (shock from sudden fluid loss apparantly?) and the same people came back and stayed for most of the afternoon because they wanted to hold the baby, when I really wanted to sleep feed my baby and rest and just not have to worry about anyone else, I had even told dp to go home because I needed sleep.

I was let out late that day and the following morning three of the same people came round to my house. I was asleep on the sofa ( had been awake for 48hrs pretty much)they came round and commented on the lack of seats for guests and "said fgs you've only had a baby" they wanted me to go put the kettle on to make them drinks.

I know there are going to be people out there with lovely relatives who arrive, make a fuss of the older children make tea for the new mum, offer to get shopping if you need anything etc etc , but I know its not likely. It probably sounds like I am being mean, from their point of view they wanted to see the baby. From my point of view they really invaded my privacy in the delivery suite, and upset me. I really didn't need an audience when my daughter and I were being assesed post birth, possibly it upset me most that it didn't even occur to them that I would be upset.

I'm not saying that my family aren't lovely, they do help me lots and I do appreciate them, but they were v inconsiderate of me at a very important time and I can't forget that, its all too tied up in the birth of my daughter.

[GentlyDidIt]

Well ChippingIn I accept that it is hurtful for those who feel shut out and do not understand why, and I know that some couples are unfairly precious about the arrival of their baby (thinking of a thread on here a while back where 2 weeks of isolation were requested!)

However, yes you do have to tiptoe around peoples' feelings in some cases...

...family members who want to be first to visit / visit "before the other grandparents" and will kick off and hold the new family responsible if they do not make it so, turning the joy of the new baby into a huge popularity contest with the new family in the role of reluctant judges...

...family members who are hurtful or cruel, but not to the extent that you want to deprive them of a relationship with the baby - you just need a bit of sleep and a decent meal under your belt before you can face them...

...family members who simply will not listen to any requests to limit visits to mornings, afternoons, hours or even days and accuse the new family of being selfish/precious unless things run exactly their way...

Too much for frazzled, tired, shell-shocked people to deal with and possibly a tinderbox combination. A day really isn't too much to ask before facing all of that.

The OP has also been on the roundabout once already and has some experience of how this will play out in her own family.