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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder whether good parenting has to be about sacrifice?

86 replies

ljhooray · 23/02/2009 16:29

OK deliberately provoking allsorts of debate with this title I know but I'm really intrigued to see what people's opinions on this are, having taken part in some discussions on a whole range of subjects over the past few weeks. So why this OP - well I'm thinking of having just one child as it means that me and dh get to spend plenty of time with dh and can still to a limited extent follow some of our own interests (is that selfish and not making the sacrifices to give dd a sibling?), I ff as I found bf too difficult (some would argue I should have tried harder!), although I have to work, if money was not so tight, I would probably still work some of the week (time I could devote to my dd). SO what do we all think? can't wait to see this discussion get going!

OP posts:
ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 23/02/2009 20:56

I think that when you are single the only person you have to answer to is yourself, when you get a partner you should have a joint responsibility for things and sometimes this means compromise.
When you become a parent the needs of your child are your priority, and I don't think your choices come into it, FF/BF, puree/BLW, co-sleeping/own room, they all have their pro's and con's so you naturally sacrifice some of the things you previously took forgranted.

NONE of that means it isn't without its rewards. I loved the middle of the night feeds with both boys it was such a special quiet time just the 2 of us.

The one thing I really miss is holidays, but I think we will get there when the boys are a little older.

Mooseheart · 23/02/2009 20:57

Yes, it was a sweeping statement Xenia. Not everyone wants a wild merry-go-round of a life, some are happy with a life that is simple and uncomplicated. But of course that would probably be dull to you...

noonki · 23/02/2009 21:06

Xenia - you give a university student child £10k a year.

£3000 fees,
£50 a week rent = 2600
near on £100 for everything else.

God when I was at uni I worked throughout and think that was a better education than my degree.

LucyEllensmummy · 23/02/2009 21:13

Xenia - you do seem to jump on every opportunity to flaunt how much money you have! Well done you - it must make your "sacrifices" so much easier to bear. Hey ho - its all relative i suppose.

paolosgirl · 23/02/2009 21:17

She posts for effect, Lucy. Ignore, or humour her in the way we humour the batty Great Aunt that every family seems to have - the same one that no-one wants at their house on Christmas Day .

drlove8 · 23/02/2009 21:37

what is it with the xenia-bashing?- ladies please just leave her alone....so she has a different type of life from most of us, that doesnt give anyone the right to get the claws out. really ous IMO! XENIA i sort of get what you're meaning! i dont always get what your saying, but it doesnt mean your opinions arent of value to someone!

noonki · 23/02/2009 22:25

drlove - Xenia never keeps her claws in.

She gives far more than she gets.

drlove8 · 23/02/2009 22:31

noonki- . i just think there should be more tolerence, thats all.

Judy1234 · 23/02/2009 22:39

I don't claws. yes, the univesrity costs are virtually the same as a day school place £10k a yaear. £3,100 fees or whatever they now are, rent is that about £350 a month?, then £100 a week for food, books, going out, clothes, travel, internet access. It's not a huge sum and it's not stingy either. it's worked quite well with them all. They have al ot of friends with a lot more and many with much less. Mine also have worked too and our deal is I fund them in return for them graduating with no debt including student loan.

The £10k a year per child is the school fees or half the nanny's cost etc. It is not the cost of the child. If you add on food and holidays and the fact you need a bigger house to house them and in our case stuff like horses and skiing then it's more but much more important is the impact it has on you and the time youi spend with them whateve ryour income level.

I think it's less interesting for a child if tehre are no siblings, duller , but I accept not everyone agrees. i think ti's easier for the parents if there are siblings as the children tend to play together.

noonki · 23/02/2009 22:50

okay- maybe not claws, but hardly sensitive to others.

drlove8 · 23/02/2009 23:05

noonki- do you automaticaly think before you speak/post incase you offend someone who has different financal situation than you?, what if someone were to take offence because you have more income /less income than you? its imposable to pre-emt everyones situ- so you are likely to offend somone at some point over something.i really dont tink xenia ment to annoy anyone- her life is just diffrent.

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 23/02/2009 23:09

All of my parenting is about sacrifice as I am a foster parent to one child.

I am also very selfish and will not have children of my own or further foster children once this one has grown up.

drlove8 · 24/02/2009 00:32

why is that selfish laurie? is it not selfish to have kids you cant give your all too?you know your limits, thats a good thing.

SnowlightMcKenzie · 24/02/2009 00:46

Don't be daft. We don't have kids for the benefit of the country/environment/world, we do it for ourselves. The work involved is a part of what we sign up because we 'want' to.

When we go skiing, we carry our god almightly heavy skis to the ski lift. We enjoy a drink late into the evening and then we 'sacrafice' our sleep the next morning in order to hit the slopes again.

sarah293 · 24/02/2009 08:45

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BonsoirAnna · 24/02/2009 08:49

I think that all family relationships involve compromise which isn't necessarily the same as sacrifice. I certainly don't feel that I have sacrificed anything at all by having a family, but I do feel that we negotiate and compromise to reach solutions that we are all happy with (and that we agree are the best we can do in the circumstances) every day.

violethill · 24/02/2009 09:03

I agree that having children involves compromise. Sacrifice as a word has so many overtones. But when you choose a partner and choose to have children with them, I think you just have to accept that to an extent you are entering uncharted territory and you have a responsibility to negotiate your way through in a way that suits everyone in your family.

I certainly think parents who allow their entire lives to be consumed by their children are actually doing them a lot of harm. Children learn by the examples they see around them. If you have a healthy independence and life of your own, rather than giving your whole life over to your kids, then they are learning first hand what is is to be an independent, fulfilled adult - which is ideally what we want our children to become!

drlove8 · 24/02/2009 09:10

riven, i know what you mean( trying to get the LO to sleep). i hope the hospital visit is over and done ,quickley and smoothly for you both, wishing you and your dd healing vibes!

swanriver · 24/02/2009 09:19

Sacrifice is useless when there is no positive result, even if it takes years to materialize, I think we all make sacrifices because we believe some good will come of it not just because we are martyrs in the worst sense (although from a religious point of view martyrs were usually good). I think the difficulty is discriminating between suffering we inflict on ourselves for no positive benefit (worrying what people think of us, keeping up with Joneses, setting ourselves impossible goals, working extremely hard to buy our children things they sometimes don't need) and more positive sacrifices, like sitting up all night with a sick child, or standing around in freezing playgrounds so that our kids can get exercise. Most of the sacrifices we make with small children come naturally, most of us don't even think there is a choice in the matter.

Othersideofthechannel · 24/02/2009 09:21

My entire life is not consumed by my children but there are lots of little daily sacrifices.

Othersideofthechannel · 24/02/2009 09:21

And even more compromises!

Pitchounette · 24/02/2009 09:40

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Pitchounette · 24/02/2009 09:45

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swanriver · 24/02/2009 09:55

I completely agree, Pitchounette, I don't think you even regret the way you lived before (apart from amazement at the lieins that used to be possible). After a bit you completely adapt to THIS life. Maybe for some people it is a sacrifice to have only one child, they wanted more but their dh didn't or they couldn't physically conceive another but they try and make best of situation and not moan about it. I think people who have lots of children aren't making negative sacrifices, they are just embracing a different way of life.
I think we are all missing point, sacrifice can be extremely positive, it's not blood and guts and despair and surrender, it's moving forward patiently and forcefully with hope in your heart. (am I on wrong thread here - beginning of Lent...

Othersideofthechannel · 24/02/2009 10:04

Does sacrifice have to involve regret?

A little sacrifice for me will be something like not getting to eat my toast when it is hot and just buttered but when it is cold and congealed because a child will require my assistance and of course their needs come first. I am deprived of the little luxury of hot toast but I don't regret this.