Ultimatum to get DSS to apply himself?

[WerkWerkWork]

DSS 16, is a great kid honestly generally he doesn't give us any hassle. His DM gets the hardest end of the deal, which DH and I hate and will do anything to support her. He pushes his boundaries with her more that DH and I, which is hugely unfair. However we all collectively agree that he is overall turning out pretty ok.
DSS's Mum made the decision to educate him privately, although not our choice we agreed to support the financial decision equally. DSS recent report was pretty shocking, all his teachers basically said he should be a straight A student, but he just doesn't apply himself and is getting disruptive to others in class. He has a year and a half to go, and we are all worried that if he doesn't start applying himself the jump in learning will leave him behind. I know the academic route isn't for everyone, but he wants to go to uni - but doesn't know what to study. Without trying he sails through B's. We all want him to realise how bloody lucky he is but he just doesn't. He played football in a developmental team, and stopped suddenly because it was too big a commitment. He had a job recently quit that unexpectedly. We just don't know how to tell him if he doesn't apply himself, life will be hard - that he has a huge opportunity to study what ever he wants, but without the commitment he struggle in that environment.
We have a once in a lifetime holiday about to be booked. Should DH and I be the bad guys and say unless the effort improves it's not going ahead?
This isn't about being a straight A student, it's about him not applying himself and seeing this amazing opportunity that he has in front of him, or is this just him and we need to let him be?

[Commonsenseisnotsocommon]

He sounds flaky and that's not going go help him later on in life. It also sounds like he's maybe had things too easy. I think I'd be working with your dh and the dm to have a joint approach of pushing him to take a new job and to stick at it, only then would you take him on holiday with you. He's at risk of becoming a spoilt drifter and wasting his potential. Good luck with all this, you sound like a caring stepmum going above and beyond.

[BloodyAdultDC]

B's across the board is pretty amazing...

[AluckyEllie]

Is he spoilt? Why did he quit the job? When me and my friends were teens the Saturday job was a way to get cash to socialise/buy clothes/save for that holiday after a-levels. Does he get all of those
things without working?
Maybe start bringing up what he is going to
do after school, that he will be expected to move out and either work or go to uni, that there will be things he has to fund himself. Cancelling the holiday… maybe. But he might not be bothered.

[Sunsetsandcocktails]

I think that is fair. Otherwise he's just going to think he can get away with doing the bare minimum and still get rewarded.

It's a harsh lesson but not a unique one. I remember my Dad telling me at that age to knuckle down and work really hard for a few years to make the rest of my life easier. He acknowledged that it would be difficult as I was at an age I just wanted to have fun with my friends etc. but that I had to try and see the bigger picture. I'm glad I listened to him. Obviously it's not as black and white as that but you get the picture.

[crumblingschools]

Stop paying for things so he needs to get a job. Remind him that university is expensive and he needs to build up some funds so he has spends when he is there.

Has he looked at which universities he might like to go to, might incentivise him to study more

[BumpyaDaisyevna]

I wonder what this is about if you take a step back.

Ie, why is a very capable lad not pursuing things to the best of his ability.

I was struck that he gave up his "development team".

I wonder if he is worried about having to grow up and develop and leave home and doesn't feel ready. This is a way of trying to express something that can't be put into words?

I have seen a couple of friends with very bright sons who could not stay focussed at A level. In both cases they stayed at home, worked locally, took a levels later and in their early 20s went to uni. They weren't ready before.

Anyway could be totally barking up the wrong tree but that is what came to mind.

Could you try to talk to him about how he is feeling about taking the "next step" in life - and why it is that is is holding back from giving himself the greatest range of options for that next step.

[theeyeofdoe]

They can coast a bit in lower sixth and still get good grades, but being disruptive isn't acceptable at all.

One thing you could do is book a couple of university visits for this term. Start with a big cool city university which needs high grades with lots of courses like Manchester - they have open days on the 22nd and 29th June, visit some departments and let him get an idea of what he'd like to study.

That will give him a bit of focus.

[RandomButtons]

You sit him down and tell him if he doesn’t get off his arse and start studying he will never get to uni.

You take away pocket money/allowance and teach him what it’s like to not have money unless you’ve worked for it.

[ToBeOrNotToBee]

Without wanting to be one of those.
Is there any chance he could have ADHD, specifically the inattentive type.
Only he sounds a lot like me when I was his age, incredibly smart but unable to knuckle down and apply myself. I've essentially dropped out of everything good because I struggle to see things through to the end.
Was diagnosed in my 30s.
I find I perform best when under pressure. I need a deadline, a life altering scenario etc to really shine.

[user8800]

Some kids can coast to Bs in gcse. A mixture of ability and luck.

They get a real shock at a level, though!

It's a big jump and you can't coast.

The things jumping out at me from your post is that a) a private school won't tolerate the disruption of learning to other paying pupils and b) he wants to go to uni but doesn't know what he wants to study?

Nope.

That's a classic drop out kid in the making if ever I saw one :(

Maybe some careers advice? Is he OK mh wise?

[ButWhatAboutTheBees]

Geez some of you are harsh...

He's 16, he's trying to find his place in the world and he's still getting straight Bs without trying... He's not taking drugs, failing his courses and disappearing for days...

He'll still be able to get into a decent uni and get somewhere in life...

My A levels - I stopped caring. I didn't have the interest and I was just frankly tired of studying. I left with far, far lower results than I should have done (I could easily have had at least Bs if I'd tried) but they were enough to get me into the uni I wanted and once there, studying one specific subject which I really wanted to do, I found my mojo again and flourished. Now I'm looking at doing my Masters because I miss studying.

Don't take his holiday away, especially if it's a once in a life time thing, that's just going to make him feel even less interested in the world. And certainly don't tell him you expect him to leave home at 18! What a way to make him feel unwanted!

Instead start looking at unis with him. Look into the courses available. Try and find one he likes. Then the course requirements can be his guide as to if he needs to work harder. Look into careers and see what interests him. Engage with him on what he might want to do and use that to tailor discussions

[Stickortwister]

Parenting boys this age can be hard I think. Often they don't "like" school or a levels and can make baffling and immature decisions. I say this as someone with a y12 on track for b and c's at a level but who actively hates sixth form and Is miserable and probably in the process of dropping out.
I think it depends on the teenager... He might use the threat of holiday being removed as motivation... Or he may see it as you using it as another threat to undermine him. Yes life is hard and we should encourage resilience but also it can be very confusing being an almost adult but having no say or control on what you do or don't do.

I think actually letting him fail because of choices he is making and deal with the consequences himself is the better route.

We also have a big family holiday later in the year. Didn't cross my mind to not take him even if he drops out of sixth form. As he's nearly Ann adult if he doesn't finish sixth form the consequences on friendships and future opportunities will be punishment enough but we'll try and support him to do something else and maybe weigh a bit more maturity he'll come back to study in the future.

[FakeMiddleton]

I'm not trying to be contrarian, but I don't see what "private school" has to do with it?

I went to a private school so I'm not shitting on it in that way. I guess it came across to me as "well, we pay for your private school, DS! You owe us As/applying yourself"

If so, please don't do that. I can still remember my parents saying "it costs 20p a minute to send you here" and I thought, "but it's YOUR choice. Don't labour it on me"

He doesn't owe you anything and I second PP who said there's something deeper going on for him. I was the "flash in the pan" who was always moaned at for not "bucking up", but it just wasn't my time. Admittedly I was younger than your DS at the time, but once I turned 13, I flipped. I left school top of the year, perfect GCSEs and A Levels etc etc

I think there's something deeper going on with him

[Cbljgdpk]

I know with my teenager she’d hit the self destruct button if we did that and probably do even less so it depends how you really think he’d react. Also how do you measure progress? Better grades or a better school report? What if he tried but actually couldn’t do any better? My DD has been told she could achieve 9s in subjects and gotten herself in a real state because she found it all too much.
I think smaller consequences would be better than such a large one; ie he can’t have his pocket money if he hasn’t done what is needed and be clear what that looks like.
Unfortunately some of it at this age is letting them make their own mistakes

[BobbyBiscuits]

If he's a B student without putting in any effort then he must be pretty smart, lol.
You can't tell him what subject to study at uni. If he doesn't have a firm idea then he needs careers guidance. You could tell him if he gets a part time job and sticks with it, then he can come on the holiday. Using his wages as spending money. He's being lazy but that's not usual among teens.

[theresnolimits]

First, I think you need to divorce the holiday from the study. I don’t think you can bribe or punish with family events ~ you either all want to do this together or you don’t.

Then I’d try and draw out what the issue is ~ boredom, laziness, immaturity, anxiety? What does he think would help him the most? Does he want to stay at this school or go elsewhere ( non threatening)?

I really don’t think it’s a major problem he doesn’t know what he wants to do at uni. Why should he when there are 100s of subjects he hasn’t experienced yet. A gap year could help that. But what type of work would he like to do ~ and what course would take him there? Can he get some work experience?

Talk and listen is my advice.

[SpringOfContentment]

If you are ready to book, how are you glong to judge his effort over the next few days?
And what if he sustains things until holiday booked, then reverts to typical? Will you not take him on the holiday that is booked and paid for?

Whilst an ultimatum is possibly what's needed (unless support and structuring will do it), I'm not sure a holiday is a viable one to use.

[ragdoll12345]

This sounds exactly like my DD. She would always make minimum effort - but did fairly well at GCSEs, but could have done better if she'd worked. She came unstuck at A levels, she didn't do brilliantly at her mocks but believed the real exams would be fine. She didn't get the grades she needed to go to the university she wanted and then wanted to do another year at college to resit the exams. I refused to support her as she hadn't worked, she'd switched subjects and then missed loads of lessons. She had to go to a different university. Her first assignment there she failed and had to resit with the 2nd assignment. This was a wake up call and she said she didn't want to have to do that again. So she worked after that and passed her course. She got a job and since then has taken further courses in her own time
As my Dad said when she was taking her GCSEs and I was pulling my hair out with her 'You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink'. This was so true she had to realise the hard way that she had to put the effort in.

[Mischance]

He's 16. He is behaving like many 16 year olds. It is sometimes hard for them to see the point of education when they have no clear path ahead in their minds - and no reason why they should have.

Let him get his Bs - that's not to be sneezed at. "We know you could do better than this, but you are nearly adult and have to make your own decisions."

I know it is hard, but you can't make him work harder - the impetus has to come from him.

[Catza]

You repeated "applying himself" many times in your post but this is a nebulous term which is not helpful to a teenager or anyone at all.
If you want him to change his attitude, you need to be more specific with your feedback. What do you want from him exactly when you say "apply himself". You mention realising the opportunity. How would he demonstrate that?
Do you want him to pick an interest and work towards it? Say so. Do you want him to do better at school - how much better, in what subjects. How will he evidence that? Do you want him to stop being disruptive in class? Say it. Set targets. Figure out what drives the behaviour.
He wants to go to uni but doesn't know what he wants to study? So he doesn't want to go to uni. It's not really a requirement at his age. He can take time to figure it out and enroll as a mature student. As someone who went to uni at 32, I disagree with your comment that "life will be very hard". Life was great when I went to work after school, I learned loads, I developed maturity and gained experience which led me to my career.
And yes, I was told to apply myself a lot as a teen. I had no idea what it meant and, honestly, it just sounded as criticism which didn't help my attitude or my relationships with my parent. Whereas, if someone sat me down and actually explicitly said what they want from me and asked me how they can help me to get there, it may have been a more productive conversation altogether.

[Lanawashington]

@ToBeOrNotToBee

Without wanting to be one of those.
Is there any chance he could have ADHD, specifically the inattentive type.
Only he sounds a lot like me when I was his age, incredibly smart but unable to knuckle down and apply myself. I've essentially dropped out of everything good because I struggle to see things through to the end.
Was diagnosed in my 30s.
I find I perform best when under pressure. I need a deadline, a life altering scenario etc to really shine.

I also didn't want to be one of the those but was wondering the same. He sounds exactly like I was at school and I have ADHD. Really capable but I just couldn't concentrate and was always distracted. No matter how much I wanted something or how much pressure was put on me by my parents

[Octavia64]

Using the holiday as a bribe carries the risk he will hit the self destruct button if he doesn't go.

You might think the situation is difficult now but believe me a teen in full on self destruct mode is much much worse.

B's without working is ok. It more sounds like he needs a goal and is also worried about failure.

Try visiting unis, conversation about what subjects he does NOT want to study, some work experience/Saturday job maybe?

[YaMuvva]

Firstly I think you need to get a bit of perspective. So many 16yo’s from all sorts of walks of life have MH issues, self harm, are involved in crime, takes drugs smoke etc. the worst thing you can say about yours is “He gets B’s”

Also having once worked in a private school they push for all pupils no matter what ability to get high grades so they can crow in the prospectus about the high grade average. It’s not necessarily that they think he CAN and should get all A’s.

Lastly if you are going to do something as unpleasant as take his holiday away from him, you need to strictly define what “apply yourself” means. What does it mean? What do you actually want him to do in practical terms before you have decided that he’s ‘applied himself’?

[kcchiefette]

I think I will be one of few with a different stance on things.

I think theres an incredible amount of pressure on this 16 year old boy.

He was privately educated, had loads of privileged opportunities, he has teachers and parents expecting across the board A grades. He's only a child.

I was a smart cookie. I absolutely smashed my GCSEs but my A Levels went downhill.

The thing is, you have years to resit, to figure out what you want to do. Going to uni is not the be all and end all, and not getting the grade you want first time is not the end of the world.

Let him figure it out himself. Allow him to see where his choices take him. If he doesnt know what he wants to do at uni, you can let him know that its perfectly fine to take a year or two out working or doing some additional courses etc at college before he takes that leap.

I went to uni and my career since has not reflected the course I had completed and now at 30, I am considering going back.

I definitely wouldnt cancel his holiday.

Let him have space to breathe for a bit.

[ThaTrìCaitAgam]

I was thinking about ADHD the inattentive type as well. Very like my story, late diagnose, same struggles.

Punishing him like that won’t work if he has ADHD, it’ll only make things worse for him.