Met my new DP at work, and we've been dating now for 6 m's. In my 40's & this is the only decent relationship I've ever had, been through some crap with men through the yrs but know I've finally met a decent one in DP.
Anywho, he confided in me pretty early on that many yrs ago he had spent at least a 10-yr period with a gambling addiction to slot/fruit machines & had lost a LOT of money, though had sought help & finished paying it off a cpl yrs ago. For clarity, he doesn't have his own place but a highly-paid job with a lot of disposable income.
FF to this week, Grand National, Cheltenham etc etc and my intuition kicked in & I found he'd been sneaking the bookies on his lunch break, sneaking into loo to watch races on his phone etc. He said it's a hard time of year in the gambling addicts world
I thought I'd finally have a chat with him today as I was a little worried for/about him, but he was grateful of this & assured me that his addiction was never to racing (machines only), which I believe can actually be a thing when it comes to gambling addiction.
He is a really intelligent guy who has his head screwed on but I know these things happen to anyone, regardless of status, job, etc.
AIBU to worry or AIBU to be meddling this early on?
For clarity, I am the least judgemental person and this he is very aware of (I've confided in him something that he could've very well walked away from early on) hence why he clearly felt comfortable enough to share this with me
AIBU?
To be a little cautious ... ?
KeysUnlocked · 18/04/2024 00:08
WhatAreYouOnAbout · 18/04/2024 00:16
If this is ever to go anywhere it has to be agreed that you are the boss of the money. He’s had counseling? They say it’s not why the addiction,it’s why the pain. I’m sure he’s had counseling to deal with it in the past, but as it’s reared its ugly head again he needs to go back.
Ella31 · 18/04/2024 00:27
I think it's concerning that he said he was only addicted to slots. Gambling is the addiction not the type of gambling. I think he's slipped up a little and if I'm being honest this early into a relationship, I'd be worried.
You need to remember as well, addicts lie. I'm not saying this to run the poor guy down because he's been through a lot absolutely. But you have to be wary here. Gambling addiction is insidious because it's like a secret addiction and it only rears it's head when things go to shit when bills pile up. Just remember that
LittleGreenDragons · 18/04/2024 00:30
Children's father was an alcoholic.
Son is an alcoholic but sober atm.
DP is a gambler.
You need to ask yourself why you feel comfortable with having addicts around you when most people would say no. Are you one of those people who feel they have to help and be supportive despite the great personal cost? Might be worth exploring with a therapist tbh.
EDIT - cross posted. You are finding different ways to excuse it already. Doing research to find "reasons" ... try looking up saviour complex. That's you.
KeysUnlocked · 18/04/2024 00:29
See this was my confusion initially, but looking into it, my research says he is likely correct, that different types of 'gaming' triggers different reward pathways, like that footballer, Paul Mercer
Ella31 · 18/04/2024 00:27
I think it's concerning that he said he was only addicted to slots. Gambling is the addiction not the type of gambling. I think he's slipped up a little and if I'm being honest this early into a relationship, I'd be worried.
You need to remember as well, addicts lie. I'm not saying this to run the poor guy down because he's been through a lot absolutely. But you have to be wary here. Gambling addiction is insidious because it's like a secret addiction and it only rears it's head when things go to shit when bills pile up. Just remember that
LittleGreenDragons · 18/04/2024 00:30
Children's father was an alcoholic.
Son is an alcoholic but sober atm.
DP is a gambler.
You need to ask yourself why you feel comfortable with having addicts around you when most people would say no. Are you one of those people who feel they have to help and be supportive despite the great personal cost? Might be worth exploring with a therapist tbh.
EDIT - cross posted. You are finding different ways to excuse it already. Doing research to find "reasons" ... try looking up saviour complex. That's you.
KeysUnlocked · 18/04/2024 00:34
Tbh, I genuinely believe we're all fucked in some way, especially getting to our age with not a scratch on us & don't believe in simply writing people off for anything and everything, when everything else about them seems pretty much perfect!
I just think MNetters are too quick to say LTB instead of offering realistic, helpful advice
LittleGreenDragons · 18/04/2024 00:30
Children's father was an alcoholic.
Son is an alcoholic but sober atm.
DP is a gambler.
You need to ask yourself why you feel comfortable with having addicts around you when most people would say no. Are you one of those people who feel they have to help and be supportive despite the great personal cost? Might be worth exploring with a therapist tbh.
EDIT - cross posted. You are finding different ways to excuse it already. Doing research to find "reasons" ... try looking up saviour complex. That's you.
LittleGreenDragons · 18/04/2024 00:33
Apologies. DS is usually son, DSis is sister.
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LittleGreenDragons · 18/04/2024 00:38
Some are more fucked than others. Some cannot be saved until they are willing to do the work. Some just have to try to save others. He is second sentence , you are third. And you cannot see it, or even accept that possibility. I'm out, you are too busy trying to excuse it all.
KeysUnlocked · 18/04/2024 00:15
I mean, I do agree that addiction is for life, but my DS has been sober for over 6 years now and manages that (obv's not gambling, but an addiction nevertheless)
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