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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a little cautious ... ?

47 replies

KeysUnlocked · 18/04/2024 00:08

Met my new DP at work, and we've been dating now for 6 m's. In my 40's & this is the only decent relationship I've ever had, been through some crap with men through the yrs but know I've finally met a decent one in DP.

Anywho, he confided in me pretty early on that many yrs ago he had spent at least a 10-yr period with a gambling addiction to slot/fruit machines & had lost a LOT of money, though had sought help & finished paying it off a cpl yrs ago. For clarity, he doesn't have his own place but a highly-paid job with a lot of disposable income.

FF to this week, Grand National, Cheltenham etc etc and my intuition kicked in & I found he'd been sneaking the bookies on his lunch break, sneaking into loo to watch races on his phone etc. He said it's a hard time of year in the gambling addicts world Confused

I thought I'd finally have a chat with him today as I was a little worried for/about him, but he was grateful of this & assured me that his addiction was never to racing (machines only), which I believe can actually be a thing when it comes to gambling addiction.

He is a really intelligent guy who has his head screwed on but I know these things happen to anyone, regardless of status, job, etc.

AIBU to worry or AIBU to be meddling this early on?
For clarity, I am the least judgemental person and this he is very aware of (I've confided in him something that he could've very well walked away from early on) hence why he clearly felt comfortable enough to share this with me Sad

OP posts:
wead · 18/04/2024 00:12

I personally wouldn't date someone with an addiction, I know it's a former addiction but would you stay with him if succumbed to temptation? I wouldn't and I would need more security in my life that relying on a gambling addict not to gamble.

That being said you could keep finances separate and talk to him about your concerns around him gambling even if its not fruit machines

Original poster
KeysUnlocked · 18/04/2024 00:14

Thanks @wead My kids' dad went through alcoholism before he passed and I've been through things myself so wouldn't even think about writing him off for this (unless, of course, it was drugs/alcohol).

I just didn't know how to approach it, with it only being 6 months in Confused

OP posts:
CatHerderSupreme · 18/04/2024 00:14

He’s an addict & that won’t change. You’ll never be able to be financially linked to him.

Probably best not to move it to anything serious with him.

Original poster
KeysUnlocked · 18/04/2024 00:15

I mean, I do agree that addiction is for life, but my DS has been sober for over 6 years now and manages that (obv's not gambling, but an addiction nevertheless)

OP posts:
WhatAreYouOnAbout · 18/04/2024 00:16

If this is ever to go anywhere it has to be agreed that you are the boss of the money. He’s had counseling? They say it’s not why the addiction,it’s why the pain. I’m sure he’s had counseling to deal with it in the past, but as it’s reared its ugly head again he needs to go back.

StrongCoffeeWithMilk · 18/04/2024 00:18

If he was sneaking to the bookies surely he's still addicted?

KidsandKindness · 18/04/2024 00:20

I'm afraid I would be walking away at this stage, unless you want to live your life on constant alert to changes in his behaviour. I couldn't live like that, but you may feel differently. You clearly know the saying 'once an addict, always an addict', and an addict is only ever one step away from the slippery slope.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2024 00:20

Stop choosing dysfunction. This man is nothing but a grenade waiting to go off. How much upheaval and turmoil do you want to go through in your life? Do you really want to go from one addict to another? Why don't you want better for yourself?

Original poster
KeysUnlocked · 18/04/2024 00:21

WhatAreYouOnAbout · 18/04/2024 00:16

If this is ever to go anywhere it has to be agreed that you are the boss of the money. He’s had counseling? They say it’s not why the addiction,it’s why the pain. I’m sure he’s had counseling to deal with it in the past, but as it’s reared its ugly head again he needs to go back.

See, this is where I'm somewhat unsure, as I don't know if it's reared its ugly head as his addiction was fruit machines and the horse racing is a passion (just as football, but not football betting), he's a typical bloke into many sports Football

Finance wise, it's not a concern at this stage as, like I said, we're still v early days and no chance of anything financially-combining right now, but I just want to make sure he is ok Confused

See I massively agree, that there has to be a 'reason' or 'pain' behind it but this is where I need advice, how do I ask this at this early stage? He's made it very clear clear to me that I can ask him anything and he will be openly honest with me, as I have done with him, but how do I ask about trauma? He has a lovely, genuine family too so can't be any childhood trauma in the 'growing-up' sense Sad

Tho I must add, he's also in his 40s and I'm the first relationship he's had (only ever 1 other that lasted only 3 months) due to lack of confidence and most probably, his preoccupation over those years with this Sad

OP posts:
Ella31 · 18/04/2024 00:27

I think it's concerning that he said he was only addicted to slots. Gambling is the addiction not the type of gambling. I think he's slipped up a little and if I'm being honest this early into a relationship, I'd be worried.

You need to remember as well, addicts lie. I'm not saying this to run the poor guy down because he's been through a lot absolutely. But you have to be wary here. Gambling addiction is insidious because it's like a secret addiction and it only rears it's head when things go to shit when bills pile up. Just remember that

Original poster
KeysUnlocked · 18/04/2024 00:29

Ella31 · 18/04/2024 00:27

I think it's concerning that he said he was only addicted to slots. Gambling is the addiction not the type of gambling. I think he's slipped up a little and if I'm being honest this early into a relationship, I'd be worried.

You need to remember as well, addicts lie. I'm not saying this to run the poor guy down because he's been through a lot absolutely. But you have to be wary here. Gambling addiction is insidious because it's like a secret addiction and it only rears it's head when things go to shit when bills pile up. Just remember that

Edited

See this was my confusion initially, but looking into it, my research says he is likely correct, that different types of 'gaming' triggers different reward pathways, like that footballer, Paul Mercer

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 18/04/2024 00:30

Children's father was an alcoholic.
Son is an alcoholic but sober atm.
DP is a gambler.

You need to ask yourself why you feel comfortable with having addicts around you when most people would say no. Are you one of those people who feel they have to help and be supportive despite the great personal cost? Might be worth exploring with a therapist tbh.

EDIT - cross posted. You are finding different ways to excuse it already. Doing research to find "reasons" ... try looking up saviour complex. That's you.

Original poster
KeysUnlocked · 18/04/2024 00:32

LittleGreenDragons · 18/04/2024 00:30

Children's father was an alcoholic.
Son is an alcoholic but sober atm.
DP is a gambler.

You need to ask yourself why you feel comfortable with having addicts around you when most people would say no. Are you one of those people who feel they have to help and be supportive despite the great personal cost? Might be worth exploring with a therapist tbh.

EDIT - cross posted. You are finding different ways to excuse it already. Doing research to find "reasons" ... try looking up saviour complex. That's you.

Edited

Not son, sister, WAS - she is an addiction specialist therapist nowadays

OP posts:
Ella31 · 18/04/2024 00:33

KeysUnlocked · 18/04/2024 00:29

See this was my confusion initially, but looking into it, my research says he is likely correct, that different types of 'gaming' triggers different reward pathways, like that footballer, Paul Mercer

Show quote history

Op, be careful. You wouldn't be posting here if you hadn't concerns would you?

I get what you are saying any recovering gambler shouldn't be gambling and certainly not going into bookies.

LittleGreenDragons · 18/04/2024 00:33

Apologies. DS is usually son, DSis is sister.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2024 00:34

You are not a rehab for broken men. He has never had lasting relationships because he's not capable of it. I suspect he destroys everything he touches. You can't fix him and it's alarming you seemingly want to try.

Original poster
KeysUnlocked · 18/04/2024 00:34

LittleGreenDragons · 18/04/2024 00:30

Children's father was an alcoholic.
Son is an alcoholic but sober atm.
DP is a gambler.

You need to ask yourself why you feel comfortable with having addicts around you when most people would say no. Are you one of those people who feel they have to help and be supportive despite the great personal cost? Might be worth exploring with a therapist tbh.

EDIT - cross posted. You are finding different ways to excuse it already. Doing research to find "reasons" ... try looking up saviour complex. That's you.

Edited

Tbh, I genuinely believe we're all fucked in some way, especially getting to our age with not a scratch on us & don't believe in simply writing people off for anything and everything, when everything else about them seems pretty much perfect!

I just think MNetters are too quick to say LTB instead of offering realistic, helpful advice Confused

OP posts:
Ella31 · 18/04/2024 00:35

I agree with the other poster. You are excusing his behaviour. Sneaking into bookies, sneaking into the loo. Can't you see he is already hiding his activities. That is slipping.

EveryoneJapan · 18/04/2024 00:35

I’d re-evaluate the relationship and to be honest, would probably walk away. It would always be at the back of my mind and I’d never relax. It also doesn’t sound like he’s quite as reformed as he says he is, and I can imagine the adrenaline rush from a horse race is similar to that from a machine.

As for the difficult time of year for a gambling addict remark - (a) there’s always something to bet on, whatever time of year, and (b) Cheltenham and the GN are easily avoided if you genuinely want to.

Ella31 · 18/04/2024 00:36

KeysUnlocked · 18/04/2024 00:34

Tbh, I genuinely believe we're all fucked in some way, especially getting to our age with not a scratch on us & don't believe in simply writing people off for anything and everything, when everything else about them seems pretty much perfect!

I just think MNetters are too quick to say LTB instead of offering realistic, helpful advice Confused

Show quote history

I didn't say leave him. I said be careful. And I did give you advise because I genuinely have seen cases like this. I literally said just be aware that he is slipping which he is....he's hiding in the loo and going into bookies. You actually used the word sneaking

Original poster
KeysUnlocked · 18/04/2024 00:36

LittleGreenDragons · 18/04/2024 00:33

Apologies. DS is usually son, DSis is sister.

Ahh, apologies! You can tell I'm not a seasoned MNetter BlushSmile

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 18/04/2024 00:38

Some are more fucked than others. Some cannot be saved until they are willing to do the work. Some just have to try to save others. He is second sentence , you are third. And you cannot see it, or even accept that possibility. I'm out, you are too busy trying to excuse it all.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2024 00:39

I just think MNetters are too quick to say LTB instead of offering realistic, helpful advice.

I know that far too many women keep making the same horrible choices with men because they refuse to break their patterns that have followed them throughout their lives. Them, and you, apparently, are willing to risk your own security and happiness for a man you know has very serious issues. Why would you do that? Why do you think a man who is in his 40s, who has never been able to keep a relationship, who is a gambling addict by his own admission, who is once again gambling, would make a decent life partner?

Come on now. Want better.

Ella31 · 18/04/2024 00:41

LittleGreenDragons · 18/04/2024 00:38

Some are more fucked than others. Some cannot be saved until they are willing to do the work. Some just have to try to save others. He is second sentence , you are third. And you cannot see it, or even accept that possibility. I'm out, you are too busy trying to excuse it all.

I'm out too. I thought advise was asked for. It wrecks my head when you offer support and the op turns on you when you give it.

Ella31 · 18/04/2024 00:44

KeysUnlocked · 18/04/2024 00:15

I mean, I do agree that addiction is for life, but my DS has been sober for over 6 years now and manages that (obv's not gambling, but an addiction nevertheless)

Gambling is a different beast because alcohol can be smelled, seen if the person is drunk ect......most gamblers hide their addiction for ages until it comes crashing down financially. Usually when the partner realises the mortgage is in arrears