Partner wants to go back to work same week as my C section

[Fabdy]

Hi Mumsnet,

Just need some perspective here.
We have a one year old and another baby on the way. When we had our first child my partner went back to work 3 days later and I found it very difficult as he works long hours and often not home until midnight.

When we decided to have our second child he promised he would have two weeks off to help with our first daughter as I will be having a C section and can't see how I will manage both of them until I recover.

He has just informed me that he is planning on going in on the weekends on these two weeks off until 11pm. When I kicked off about it he says my mum can help me.

He says I am overreacting and trying to control what he does.

He also says it was just a thought but if he feels like he needs money he will go and I shouldn't try to control him.

I'm panicking now.

Am I being unreasonable?

[BIossomtoes]

Can your mum help? And does she want to? If she can, what can he do that she can’t? I reckon she’d be a lot more use to you.

[dimllaishebiaith]

So he decided to just casually delegate his parental duties to the nearest available women?

Knob

Are you desperately short of money? If you are really struggling and hes super stressed about it I could understand. Other than that hes just being a dick.

[Fabdy]

@BIossomtoes

Can your mum help? And does she want to? If she can, what can he do that she can’t? I reckon she’d be a lot more use to you.

Yes she can help, but it's not really her responsibility to sit with us until almost midnight.

We also don't need the money of those two days. Our outgoings are very low and if he wants to save for those two weeks he will take off, he can very easily do it.

[RobinHood19]

Is he at all interested in his children? Is he at all interested in the well-being of their mother?

I am the first one to admit I put work first more than I should. But leaving your partner post C-section 3 days after the procedure (what if you get an infection and need a hospital stay) is just another level of selfishness.

Does he realise being a parent means not always doing what you please?

[Devon1987]

He does realise it’s major surgery and you won’t be allowed to do a lot of things for some time. He sounds selfish. He is your partner, he needs to step up. It’s not your mum’s responsibility.
you aren’t controlling, you are asking for help so you recover from a major operation.

[neverendingcold]

Well he's broken that promise for heavens sake don't marry him!

[Hollybelle83]

Seconding him being a dick. That would give me the rage. Recovering from a C section can be really hard, you will need plenty of physical help not to mention emotional support. Especially with another child to look after too. Dick.

[Fabdy]

@Hollybelle83

Seconding him being a dick. That would give me the rage. Recovering from a C section can be really hard, you will need plenty of physical help not to mention emotional support. Especially with another child to look after too. Dick.

Right!!! He's made me feel like I'm being so unreasonable and controlling but I'm sure I'm justified in being upset.

[ISeeTheLight]

Wow why did you have a 2nd child with this man.
Anyway, no YANBU. He's a dick and needs to man up and take responsibility to support you and your children, and not just by going to work.

[Notimeforaname]

Nope. He has 50% parental duty. More when youbare recovering from childbirth.

What the fuck does he think a partner is for????
He didn't make the child by himself.
Does he not know you have to sacrifice things in order to have children?
Does he not understand he has to think of the family and not just himself?

You should probably just accept this is who he is. He breaks promises and suits himself. I'm sorry op.

[Maray1967]

I needed my DH there after I had my cs. Not for a fortnight but our older child was 7. You need him to be there for longer as you have a toddler.

Is he a complete moron? Does he have absolutely no idea what the surgery will involve and what you need to recover?

[Azerothi]

What did you think would happen after your boyfriend left you 3 days after the birth last time? You will manage on your own though, and you can't force him to want to spend time with you and your child and the newborn. Going purely on past behaviour your boyfriend clearly doesn't like the idea.

[Fabdy]

Thank you everyone for your responses. What would you say to him to make him realise he's being ridiculous? Or would you not say anything at all

[Notimeforaname]

I'd tell him to support his family the way they need or fuck off out of the house and dont come back. Honestly. What's the point in him being there if hes just suiting himself...

[PinotDragon]

I would be having a very frank discussion with him immediately about his place in the family. Sounds like he is checking out and leaving the child rearing to you. I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that if he wants you to do it all alone then you will and he can fend for himself with living alone and weekend visits with his children! Cheeky bastard!

[Pollyanna123456]

It is major abdominal surgery - he needs to be there to help. I had a C-Section in January and although I loved my birthing experience - the recovery was hard. If possible stay at least two nights in hospital - I regret only staying one. & he definitely needs to be there for you - I could barely get out of bed on my own for the first week(!). It is really tough - rally all the help you can!

I would remind him it is major abdominal surgery if he keeps being ridiculous!

[Caerulea]

Not even close to unreasonable! First thing to keep in mind is that you will cope eitherway, it will be hard & sad if he lets you down again but your mum will support you by the sounds of it.

What to do though? For me, it would be a deal breaker. The question is, it is for you? I'd give him an ultimatum to step up or step the Fuck out. You'll be in recovery from surgery, unable to do a lot of things including care properly for your toddler - he may just not have fully thought about it (if I'm being kind). If he's fully informed of how hard this will be for you & still maintains you are being unreasonable & controlling then you have to ask yourself what you gain from staying in this situation?

Sorry to say, he sounds like an enormous fucknugget

[catonmyback]

He wants to escape.

Nothing to do with work whatsoever

[BloodyAdultDC]

@Fabdy

Thank you everyone for your responses. What would you say to him to make him realise he's being ridiculous? Or would you not say anything at all

I would tell him that I was moving to my mum's for the foreseeable.

Ducks in a row op. How's your relationship otherwise? Sounds like he's checked out of that as well as parenting.

[TwilightSkies]

I’m assuming he’s a shit partner in many other ways…..

[Simonjt]

What made him decide he wanted another child?

Even if we pretend its okay to leave someone that soon after surgery (even without a baby), why doesn’t he want to be around his own toddler and new baby?

My husband fairly recently had his appendix removed, I had to take a week and a half off work as he wasn’t able to look after our two year old without risking damage to himself, and thats nowhere near as major as a c-section. Do your toddler nap in a cot, if so you can’t event get them out. How will you change their nappy, you can’t lift them, you will likely be unable to sit on the floor to change them.

[neverendingcold]

@Fabdy

Thank you everyone for your responses. What would you say to him to make him realise he's being ridiculous? Or would you not say anything at all

I would tell him he promised last time and you took him at his word. He has no honor.

[LateAF]

@BloodyAdultDC

I would tell him that I was moving to my mum's for the foreseeable.

Ducks in a row op. How's your relationship otherwise? Sounds like he's checked out of that as well as parenting.

This, if your mum will have you.

[Hiddenvoice]

I’ve just had my second c section and have a 1 year old. I’m able to get up and about and look after my baby but I can’t lift my toddler, I need a lot of help with her.

I think your partner is being unreasonable and massively unrealistic. Yes I’ve been able to get up faster this time around but I’m also in a lot more pain and feel very restricted.

I don’t think it’s fair for him to expect your mum to be there. I would say to him how unfair he’s being and yes you can’t control him but he should be there to support his family.

If he’s refusing then I’d politely tell him to not bother coming home as he can’t be reliable.

[pinkyredrose]

Doesn't he want to support you and spend time as a family? Did he want 2 children?

You'll be in pain, you won't be able to pick your toddler up, you'll have stitches, you really can't be left alone with 2 kids.