To think I've failed as an adult?

[failedme]

I can't drive. I can't cook any decent meals. I can't keep a job when I have one (never been fired but I can't stick at it, even when I've really wanted it). Didn't go to uni. I have anxiety which is limiting in some aspects of life. I just feel like I can't do anything that a 'proper' adult can do. AIBU to feel like I've failed at being an adult? 28 btw.

Didn’t want to read and run.

Sweetheart, you have not failed at anything. Plenty of adults can’t do the things you have listed and it does not stop them living a full life.

Why are you judging yourself so harshly? You’re enough.

Tell us about all the things you can do - I bet there’s loads.

You haven't failed, life is long. First it's worth of investigating if something more is at play, any MH challenges or possible things that have gone undiagnosed.

You can learn to drive but it's ££££ perhaps that can form part of a 3 year game plan and will motivate you to stick to your job.
You need to find a job that works for you, you need to identify your strengths and weaknesses and go from there. Perhaps full-time work isn't for you, go part time something is better than nothing and 4 days might be easier to manage than 5

You can do an OU degree from home if you want to.

There are no end of cheap and healthy recipes online with great video tutorials Nadiyas ones tend to be very beginner friendly.

I didn't pass my test or start my OU degree until after I was 30 BTW.

You're 28. I know that feels really old but in the grand scheme of things you're a very springy chicken.

I didn't learn to drive until I was 38. I didn't find the job I eventually turned into a career until I was 30 and it didn't become a clear career path until I was 35. I had children first and got married second. I still don't own my own home and will probably rent forever. I am completely shit with money and finances. I can cook but I'm shit at cleaning and keeping the house nice. Also struggle with anxiety and because of all the above I feel like I'm failing most of the time.

You're not alone. This is not you talking it's your anxiety. Your anxiety lies to you.

Do you have adhd? Classic symptoms.....

I can't cook any decent meals.
Could you order something like Mindful Chef. Their recipes are very easy to follow and then you can make it yourself. You make decent meals by practising and perfecting.

I can't keep a job when I have one (never been fired but I can't stick at it, even when I've really wanted it).
How can you not able to keep it if you are not getting fired?

Didn't go to uni.
You can go at any age. Why not change that now?

I have anxiety which is limiting in some aspects of life.
are you being treated for this? Has a gp looked at a cause for it?

Please stop beating yourself up! Why are you being so harsh on yourself?
Have you always struggled with low self esteem or have you found that’s been a problem alongside the anxiety?
28 is very young by the way, there’s still plenty of time to work on things/change things if that’s what you’d like to do. For example, you say you can’t drive, is that through choice? Or would you like to learn how to drive?
You say you can’t cook decent meals, would you like to be able to?
You say you can’t stick at a job, maybe that’s because you haven’t found a job that you love and that’s right for you yet? Do you have any hobbies/interests?
I’d say if you want to improve those things then take 1 thing to work on at a time. Book the driving lessons or get online and choose 1 recipe for a meal hat you’re going to cook from scratch etc.
Ask yourself this- what would your friends and family say about you? How would they describe you? I bet you’re a great person with lots of lovely traits but you just can’t see them yourself sadly.
Also, I really hope you’re not comparing yourself to others your age. Social media can be toxic for people putting their ‘perfect’ lives out there for all to see and that can make you feel lesser than them. Hope you’re ok x

My first thought too. Especially with the anxiety.

You just haven’t found your thing yet. You will. You’re doing just fine. There’s plenty of time.

Another one who was wondering about ADHD

The thing is, we hold ourselves to unrealistic standards, which then feeds anxiety. I blame social media.

You don’t have to be able to drive to be an adult. Many don’t.

You don’t have to be able to cook fancy meals. Jacket potatoes, omelettes, tuna pasta, egg and chips are all perfectly acceptable meals which require little to no skill.

The job: why can’t you stick at it? I hope you are not anxiously awaiting your dream job that you will love and be able to do effortlessly, because these do not happen for 99% of people. Not everyone has a “thing” that they “find” that they excel at and enjoy. Most of us just go out, put the work in at something that pays the bills and muddle through, learning as we go and amassing experience (and hopefully new skills and friendships too) as the months and years slip by. It doesn’t need to define you.

Cooking? Follow a recipe. It’s something you can learn. My favourite recipes are from children’s recipe books (some are pretentiously complex).

Didn’t go to uni? neither did I (well, I did but dropped out at the start of the third term in first year). At 40 I started a post grad diploma with a Russell group uni (accepted as post grad due to work experience and interview). I’m 42 and finish later this year (funded by work).

Life isn’t linear, it happens when it happens and your not living a Hollywood movie so let it run, making changes to the things that matter to you (not what matters to society).

Do you want to go to uni? What's stopping you?

Cooking doesn't have to be amazing recipes. Just pan frying some chopped chicken and veg is cooking. Look for really simple recipes.

What kind of work are you interested in?

Some vitamin is and minerals are said to help anxiety. Things like B complex, vitamin d, omega 3 and magnesium. Being active also helps. Helps to deal with the anxious energy.

OP, I can't drive either. I don't find satisfaction in my career. You're not alone or so broken and unique in it.

I bet my bottom dollar there are loads of things you are uniquely brilliant at. The things in your list aren't exhaustive of human accomplishment.

For one, from your first post, you have the skill of self reflection. I can't begin to tell you how many people lack that!

I couldn't cook at 22. A friend then taught me how to make Bolognese and Carbonara when we went backpacking together. For the first few years of my marriage (at 27) I cooked them every week and all the other meals were stuff from the freezer that you put in the oven, with boiled veggies. I am now 47 and am a good cook (if I do say so myself!). Stop thinking about it as a big thing and approach it in small steps. Learn to cook one simple recipe and eat that regularly. When you're confident with that, learn another one.

I also didn't go to university till I was 26. I'd planned on doing my pgse straight after my degree, but I had health complications, and then I had babies. I'm finally starting my teacher training in September this year. I lady I work with has done her degree and teacher training in her thirties after having kids. It's honestly not unusual to study later in life.

If you've got no ties and can scrape a bit of money together I do recommend backpacking. Not just about the experience of travelling. Being away from you home and normal life for an extended period can help you view things more clearly and give you a better idea of what you actually want from life. I'm not going to talk about "finding yourself", but honestly, removing yourself from you home life and experiencing different cultures does give you more clarity.

You’re only 28, you can do anything you like!

Cooking is just following a recipe, try a website like BBC Good Food and pick a different one to try each week, before you know it you’ll be cooking all sorts :)

Do you want to learn to drive? It’s not mandatory but you can do lessons, plenty of people learn who are older than you.

Maybe you’ve not found a career you enjoy yet, if you want to go to uni could you train in something specific you’d enjoy?

You have your whole life ahead of you :)

There's another thread atm called something like "what were you doing on your 30th birthday"... life isn't linear. You're not supposed to have it all cracked yet! Don't worry and please try not to be so hard on yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but honestly, you haven't failed at being an adult.

No, you haven't failed at life.

I couldn't drive at your age either. It's expensive and a massive undertaking, but you've got plenty of time to learn in the future. Cooking wasn't something I was great at either, having come from a family who could burn salad. I'm ok now, but I really only properly started to learn in my late twenties. Practice does help a lot. I didn't go to university either, as there just wasn't anything I wanted to study badly enough to get into debt. At least neither of us owe money to student loans people! As for a job, I know plenty of people who surfed jobs throughout their twenties and thirties. I can't work at all anymore due to disability, but it's not the end of the world. Your worth is not defined by how productive you are.

Anxiety is a difficult one, I understand. But personally, I've found age and the right medication has massively improved it. I'm early forties now and don't give much of a shit about the things I used to stress about in my late twenties. It does sound woo, but you might find something like yoga really useful. I certainly found it massively improved my general mood and confidence in myself.

I agree with PP that backpacking could be really good for you. I wish I was able to go still. You're young - have an adventure and say bollocks to whatever society is pressuring you into doing.

Hiya! I feel your pain. I've had anxiety all my life and it's stopped me from having a proper career. Didn't go to uni til I was in my 30s, too scared to do the activities and hobbies I wanted. Even now I can't imagine doing anything grown up. I've never worked in an office in my life! BUT! Someone on SAUK recommended an ACT therapist. I went and she managed to get me to pursue things that I love but seemed previously out of reach. I'm no longer scared to try things. I can't even remember why I was so terrified! I highly recommend talking to someone. And you're not alone.

I’m 40 and can’t drive. Not currently working either. You haven’t failed you’re just in one phase of life and you’ve got plenty of time.
no one is a “proper” adult I can promise you. We all have something or many things we feel like we’ve failed at.

I thought I’d failed in life too. Mid 30’s, longest I’ve ever held down a job has been 8 months, struggle to cook when in employment, struggle to function really. I’ve recently been diagnosed as autistic and I think I also have adhd. Not saying it’s the same for you, but I haven’t failed, I’ve been doing the best with the cards I’ve been dealt with. Try not to be hard on yourself, you are young enough to learn how to do the things you want, and get support for areas you struggle with.

You haven’t failed OP! I do feel like a lot of your post resonates with me too, it’s hard

I can’t cook any decent meals
honestly, just start small. Have you got any cook books/apps that you could look at? I started off looking at BBC good food and the Tasty app.

I can’t drive
you’re not the only one! It may feel that you are, to me it felt like so many people knew how to drive, passed their tests way before me etc, so I was somewhat surprised to find out that not everyone does have a (full) licence.

I can’t keep a job when I have one
Could it be that you haven’t found the right job? Is it that you don’t enjoy it? Or find one then realise it’s not what you thought? I do feel what you mean though, so many people say “just get a job” etc when in reality it is hard to find one!

Didnt go to uni
There’s lots of other routes nowaways, university isn’t the be all and end all. There’s apprenticeships, online courses (ie open university), colleges, or if you did want to go to university take a look at access courses. I was at university but had to leave and am currently looking at doing an online qualification.

I have anxiety which is limiting in some aspects of life
Have you got any support for this? Did you have any support at work when you were working? Do you think you need extra support?

You haven't finished being an adult yet!! You don't need university to succeed as an adult. You should get yourself some basic cooking skills but you can learn this within a year easily if you commit to it. Simple things like pasta, jacket Potatoe, shepherds pie is easy once you get the hang of it. I'm a very good cook but some days we have ready meal dinner or similar, I rarely have the time to do impressive meals we eat lots of pasta and oven ready hunters chicken etc microwave veg too- it's not failing to not do something every single meal!

Think long and hard about what it is about the jobs you have left that you struggle with and then think about what jobs exist that don't have these things. Personally I have a few struggles and I found a job I can do that let me avoid the stuff I struggle with most days.

What was your childhood like op? Were you bullied at school? Sending a big hug!

We've all failed at something. I wouldn't let it worry you.

I can hold down a job but have never managed to hold down a relationship for more than about 3 years. As soon as a man starts trying to manipulate me, I get fed up & leave. I'm just hopeless at making things work.

And I'm a terrible cook - as my most recent ex never tired of telling me - but I can make omelettes and really good salads, and anything that works in a slow cooker, so we don't starve. DS is well fed which is all that matters.

So just focus on the things you can do, and enjoy those bits. Occasionally have a go at something new but don't get upset if it doesn't work.

Everyone else is secretly thinking exactly the same xx

Yes YAB very U!

You have not failed at being an adult. For one thing, you're going to be an adult for many more years (hopefully), so you have plenty of time yet to finesse your skill set.

Anxiety is an absolute bastard and can be horrendously debilitating. It often pairs itself with depression, and one of the things about depression is that the illness itself makes you believe that you are the problem. Not true, it's the depression and anxiety themselves talking. They lie.

They are sly and insidious interlopers so it may be worth investigating pharmaceutical and therapeutic support if you haven't already.

Thank you for your post. I am twice your age, or thereabouts, and I sometimes feel despairingly incompetent and inadequate too. I find it hard to give myself a pep talk when I actually need it the most, so it does me good to big you up here. I know that I am right about you being unreasonable, and that means my episodic feelings about myself are unreasonable too!

Please look after yourself.