To feel DH is too 'rough and tumble' with one year old

[wowihaveagardennow]

DC turned 1 last month. Ever since she was born DH loves playing fighting with her. Sometimes it has not been developmentally appropriate and she was too young eg. pulling her to a standing position by her hands, making her "fly on a broomstick" by placing her on her tummy on his forearm... It always sends shots of anxiety through me and I'm forever telling him to play gently. HOWEVER I am very aware I'm an anxious person generally and I generally prefer playtimes to be more gentle hence my AIBU post to just sensecheck I'm not being unreasonable..

Most recently, it was:

• perhaps 10 mins after a full bottle of milk he tipped her upside down (DC giggled and enjoyed it).
• DC recovered from nappy rash a few weeks ago and through troubleshooting, we realised we weren't drying her thoroughly enough before putting on her barrier cream. We use soft Kleenexes to pat her bum dry now before putting the cream on. The other day DH was thumping her bum and more.sensitive areas dry and then sort of shaking her bum with the tissue quite vigorously (imagine the movement you might make to mix hot and cold water in a bath tub to get the temperature consistent). I felt like DH was being too forceful..
• he tips DC over on her head a lot and gives her a shake. DC usually finds it funny.

AIBU to think this isn't safe? And is too rough? I really don't want DC to grow up to want to play rough and tumble all the time (and yes I would feel the same if I had sons).

[HeadsShouldersTitsandArse]

Point 1 & 3 - YABU. It’s rough play, if DC is laughing, they’re enjoying it. There was an article on how beneficial rough play is recently.

Point 2 - YANBU. If you think DH is being too rough when changing or tending to DC nappy rash then tell them that. If DC looks uncomfortable, tell him to be more aware. Show him how you would do it so he can compare.

Either way, these are mountains out of molehills.

[SammyScrounge]

I think he's a bit rough.

[HelenTudorFisk]

Gently, YABU.
I have done all of this with both my children at that age - boy and girl. Your daughter is obviously fine with the play as she is giggling - she is not scared and she is not hurt. And my gymbaroo class used to encourage the upside down play from 6 months onwards - google ‘vestibular stimulation’.

[BasiliskStare]

@wowihaveagardennow - I am not going to comment about everything but just to say when DS was up to one y.o. DH would hold him on his forearm and "fly" him. He had a good hold on him. DH is strong and I was always there and DS loved it and chuckled . So that one thing I think done well , I wouldn't have worried. We used to call it Superflyng. But Dh did have his other hand an inch away from DS and we were both there.
Upside down after a bottle of milk I may be too far away from that in time to know whether that might be a throwing up experience 😊

Later on when a toddler I used say when DH put DS on his shoulders say "be careful" but obviously DH had a firm grip on DS"s legs so he wasn't falling anywhere .

You'll probably just have to work it out apart from babies should not be shaken , which is a no. But otherwise if gentle , I think DH gave DS a bit more than I would have done and it was OK. But nothing was shaking DS - that I would have said no.

[wowihaveagardennow]

It's so baffling to me.

As a husband and pre-DC I would have described him as a very gentle man. And now, as a dad, he can be so physical and well rough!

[wowihaveagardennow]

I feel like some of it IS shaking DC. Not violently, but definitely vigorously.

[HeadsShouldersTitsandArse]

Is the Shaken baby syndrome you’re worried about? If so there’s a video online done with a medical doll designed to show the damage from shaken baby and the force you need to achieve it. That may (or may not) put your mind at rest. Although at 1 years old I very much doubt DH is shaking them hard enough to do any damage.

[JuvenileBigfoot]

None of what you have described is "play fighting"

I've done all of what you've described with various kids. It's fine. Especially if said kid is enjoying it.

[WhiteLeopard]

It's fine OP. Sounds like they are both enjoying it, which is lovely.

[Frozensun]

I’m a grandmother. 3 grandchildren only have their mother. From about 6 months until they get too heavy, I roughouse play. Tipping them upside down and swinging them. Dragging them across the floor on a towel, pretending to race. Etc etc. This type of play (generally more males play like this) has been shown to have great benefits for development of physical, emotional and feelings of security. If Bub is not upset or crying, she’s fine. He won’t parent like you and that’s fine. He seems to be a loving and engaged dad.

[Cookiecrumblepie]

I would trust your instinct. If you feel it’s rough it probably is. There’s no harm in being a little more gentle, after all it is a baby. Being too rough can hurt your baby and if it is shaken the obviously there are major impacts. I would tell your DH to chill a bit

[newnamechange98]

@Cookiecrumblepie

I would trust your instinct. If you feel it’s rough it probably is. There’s no harm in being a little more gentle, after all it is a baby. Being too rough can hurt your baby and if it is shaken the obviously there are major impacts. I would tell your DH to chill a bit

But why do her instincts trump that of the father? Shouldn't they come to a decision between them?

[timbitstimbytes]

"moms stroke, dad's poke" is the phrase here where I live. If she is laughing she's fine. One is a more robust age than you might think. The airplane on the forearm is just lovely, what a cutie she must be.

Rough and tumble play is a massively underestimated part of parenting so you are lucky to have him. All those brain connections between what is too much and too little are being made, if it's too much for you to watch take yourself off for 10 mins and have a cup of tea, on the tiny handfuls of occasions over 10+ years it was too much my kids were able to say, husband responded well and lovingly, looking back it was the early establishment of boundaries and trust. Put it this way, there is more of a risk NOT having any rough and tumble play than having none at all. Honestly I do understand your concerns it made my teeth on edge too, but in hindsight it was the best thing for physical development.

[YouveGotAFastCar]

Ah OP. I remember wondering if DH was being too rough, too. I decided to trust DS - if he was laughing, he was having fun. He’d soon let DH know if he didn’t like it.

Toddlers get serotonin from cuddles with mum, and physical play with Dad, according to a load of parenting apps. You’ll be glad they have that sooner rather than later! And it sounds like he’s doing a lot of the typical “Dad” stuff; we did all the broomstick stuff too. It’s a different relationship to yours with your baby, but she’ll love it all the same. He’s parenting how he knows.

The only one I’d be cautious about is 2, because that sounds unpleasant for baby - although I’m sure she’d also let you know if she was very bothered!

[JudgeJ]

@Cookiecrumblepie

I would trust your instinct. If you feel it’s rough it probably is. There’s no harm in being a little more gentle, after all it is a baby. Being too rough can hurt your baby and if it is shaken the obviously there are major impacts. I would tell your DH to chill a bit

He is trusting his instincts though, unless you think he's deliberately trying to hurt his child. His instincts are as valuable as yours. Your child clearly agreed with him!

[RawBloomers]

In what way wasn’t she developmentally ready for the “broomstick”? Maybe I’m misunderstanding what that is, but a baby on her tummy on a forearm sounds fine from birth.

[Catza]

All the kids in my family were handled this way and everyone turned out just fine. Minor accidents happen whether someone is "playing rough" or not. Babies are surprisingly robust and sensory stimulation is very important for development. You are definitely being overly anxious. They both enjoy themselves, leave them to it.

[Girasoli]

Your DHs "broomstick" (If I am picturing it correctly) sounds similar to the "tiger in a tree" baby yoga pose which we were recommended for reflux. (I am picturing the whole baby lying longways across an arm with their head being supported by your DHS hand)

[millymollymoomoo]

You need to lighten up

you sound over anxious

[BodyKeepingScore]

None of what you've described sounds rough. It also sounds as though your DD enjoys these interactions and believable a baby that age would be very vocal if they didn't. Rough housing play is important for children, it teaches them trust and boundaries.

[WashingAt30]

It's very beneficial for children, and it is coming naturally to your DH. Please don't let your anxiety limit your child's development.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/singletons/202304/benefits-of-roughhousing-with-your-children

[PrincessOfPreschool]

It sounds like they are building a really lovely relationship which is so valuable (I think particularly girls with Dads). Don't get in the way of it it by making him feel like a bad Dad.

Instincts aren't always right and you may want to look at why you feel that way about this kind of play. You could talk to him about it making you anxious even though you know it's not hurting her. This could be a result of some trains of your own, or your own neuroses, so it's natural for you to feel anxious. It's OK to tell him that even though you know you're being silly. He could dial it back a little bit if it makes you scared - then you are acknowledging that it's your problem but you would appreciate if he'd help you out.

[PrincessOfPreschool]

Sorry, trains is trauma

[RedHelenB]

@wowihaveagardennow

It's so baffling to me.

As a husband and pre-DC I would have described him as a very gentle man. And now, as a dad, he can be so physical and well rough!

Kids like that though.

[iLovee]

It's fine 1&3 seem like normal play to me. Kids and dads get their peak oxytocin from playing with eachother. I'm struggling to see what is unsafe from what you usve described? Both me and my husband played broomstick from birth - it's good for tummy time!

Point 2 - I've never dried my 2.5 yo or 11 month olds bottom after a nappy change (didn't realise we were supposed to do that?!) I think baby will let dad know if it's too rough tbh.

I think your baby will let dad know if they don't like the play or if something is too rough for them.