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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop paying the mortgage

59 replies

Timeforme009009 · 28/03/2024 09:51

I left the family home at the end of October last year due to realisation husband had been emotional abusive for a long time. It has been so difficult since I left and his mind games on me and the children are still ongoing.
He is currently still living there and we are doing shared care of the children. I am at my parents.
Since I left I have been paying my half of the mortgage. Husband earns over 25k a year more than me.
I have made a few financial offers which have gone to him from my solicitor. The last one I sent was me just accepting my half of the home and didn't include his pension, savings, shares. I did this as I wanted a quick resolution in order to get a home for me and the kids. This was my priority.
He is delaying and hasn't responded to my solicitor.
I now want to stop paying my half of the mortgage as I am basically paying for him to be more comfortable.
I am waiting for a call back from solicitor to check on legalities of this.
Am I being petty in stopping the payments? I am sure it will just cause more trouble but not really sure what else to do at this point.

OP posts:
Hoplolly · 28/03/2024 09:55

Yes, YABU. You are still liable for the debt, and any arrears as long as you are on that mortgage. You can't just stop the payments.

NameChangeHereandThere · 28/03/2024 10:25

My ex husband stopped paying the mortgage on our shared house when he moved out and still walked away with half of it when we divorced. If he can afford it, I would stop paying!

Mrsttcno1 · 28/03/2024 10:34

YABU to stop paying the mortgage because it is YOUR debt as well. You are also liable for it.

DisforDarkChocolate · 28/03/2024 10:35

If you don't pay how will it impact on your credit rating?

Janehasamane · 28/03/2024 10:36

I think that will be problematic in the long run, and you’ll spend more on legal fees as he argues for more equity.

WandaWonder · 28/03/2024 10:37

Well you can be as petty as you like won't change the fact you are only hurting yourself

Tontostitis · 28/03/2024 10:39

You should definitely ask your solicitor first and they will tell you not to.

Squiggles23 · 28/03/2024 10:41

How long has the offer been outstanding with him? I can see why you are tempted.

If you do I would say to him that you are going to start renting somewhere so won’t be able to pay both. You need to both move on with your lives. If the house sale isn’t proceeding by X date then you won’t be able to contribute any longer from that point due to also paying for another home.

Sunshineclouds11 · 28/03/2024 10:43

Long as your name is still on the mortgage you'll have to pay.

BoohooWoohoo · 28/03/2024 10:46

You don’t want non payment to appear on your credit report and affect your future.
If he decides not to pay too then the house could be repossessed and presumably this will take longer and reduce your final payout

Kbroughton · 28/03/2024 12:44

Stop paying and don't listen to anyone who says you shouldn't. Yes you are liable for the debt, but he can afford it. i had this exact same thing and it wasn't until I stopped paying for the mortgage that things started happening. At the moment you need him to respond, but he is sitting pretty with very little change for him so there is no motivation. In fact, there is even a legal mechanism you can use for him to start paying you 'rent' when you are no longer in the property. Its called occupation rent. Get your solicitor to draft a letter saying you are stopping paying as you have your own rent, you are in serious difficulty with children ect etc to paint a picture. Don't worry about him threatening for the house to go solvent - it will effect his credit too so as long as you are happy he can afford it, then do it. Its all about who blinks first. He is being a Twot and you have to be brave. Its highly unlikely the house will go into arrears and even if it does, there are massive steps before that happens. And if it is going to happen, then you can pay! If you haven't already contact the bank and put a dispute on the file. Ensure that no decisions can be made without your express approval as I had my ex husbands girlfriend ring up pretending to be me!! I went through all this and so happy if you want to PM me.

WYorkshireRose · 28/03/2024 12:53

Why do people keep zoning in on the fact that this will impact OPs credit? It's not like they're making separate payments, they share a mortgage. And the overwhelming likelihood is that the ex will continue to pay the full mortgage amount even if OP stops paying because he won't want his own credit to be impacted. Is that fair? Well arguably, yes. They took out the mortgage together but OP has no use of the property, and he earns £25k more than her. He can try arguing as part of the financial settlement that his share of the house should be greater if OP stops paying towards the mortgage, but the chances are he won't get it when OP is already being more than reasonable by requesting half of the house, but none of his pensions etc.

Bubblegummies · 28/03/2024 12:55

You need better legal advice

id be wanting half of everything, why shouldn’t you get what you’re entitled too

Printef · 28/03/2024 12:59

My ex fucked another woman, moved out and left me to pay all the mortgage and refused to let me sell it at the price it was worth. I should
have stopped paying too so that both our credit ratings were trashed.

if neither of you pay, you are equally stuffed. I’d you pay, he isn’t.

RecycleMePlease · 28/03/2024 13:02

If he's going to be trouble anyway, then you'll regret not going for your fair share of pensions and everything - in for a penny in for a pound etc.

I think not paying your half of the mortgage might cause more trouble than it's worth - but you're not living there any more, so in some ways it is fair too - if it's stopping you getting a rental then I would make this clear in the negotiations.

takeaflight · 28/03/2024 13:05

When I was getting no where during a separation, only running up legal bills. I dismissed my solicitor and from then on twice a day I faxed a question, anything that required the solicitor to contact my other half to get an answer.
Title it with, Without Prejudice

Didnt take to long after that to get things moving. I understand you want it over with, I was the same. However if you don’t get all your entitled to I think you will regret later on.

Sweetheart7 · 28/03/2024 13:15

NameChangeHereandThere · 28/03/2024 10:25

My ex husband stopped paying the mortgage on our shared house when he moved out and still walked away with half of it when we divorced. If he can afford it, I would stop paying!

OP shares the kids though. Also I think OP needs to seek accurate advice on this one.

JustMarriedBecca · 28/03/2024 13:19

Speak to your solicitor about forcing a sale of the home. Basically say, WP, the offer is available for X days failing which you will be taking steps to force a sale of the home in order to fund a separate property for the children.

But for God's sake, seek legal advice and not a bunch of untrained Google lawyers on Mumsnet.

You remain liable for the debt. You could speak to the mortgage company and see if you can suspend payments. If you fail to pay and the mortgage company seek possession then you will lose value as compared to a sale on the open market (usually).

Validus · 28/03/2024 13:34

Kbroughton · 28/03/2024 12:44

Stop paying and don't listen to anyone who says you shouldn't. Yes you are liable for the debt, but he can afford it. i had this exact same thing and it wasn't until I stopped paying for the mortgage that things started happening. At the moment you need him to respond, but he is sitting pretty with very little change for him so there is no motivation. In fact, there is even a legal mechanism you can use for him to start paying you 'rent' when you are no longer in the property. Its called occupation rent. Get your solicitor to draft a letter saying you are stopping paying as you have your own rent, you are in serious difficulty with children ect etc to paint a picture. Don't worry about him threatening for the house to go solvent - it will effect his credit too so as long as you are happy he can afford it, then do it. Its all about who blinks first. He is being a Twot and you have to be brave. Its highly unlikely the house will go into arrears and even if it does, there are massive steps before that happens. And if it is going to happen, then you can pay! If you haven't already contact the bank and put a dispute on the file. Ensure that no decisions can be made without your express approval as I had my ex husbands girlfriend ring up pretending to be me!! I went through all this and so happy if you want to PM me.

THIS

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/03/2024 13:34

My ex husband stopped paying the mortgage even though I was a non working carer. I had to claim SMI to keep a roof over our heads. There was no penalty for him in this respect. Mortgage company didn't care as long as I covered the interest payments. In your case I'd stop 🤷🏻‍♀️

Singlespies · 28/03/2024 13:36

You have entitlement to half of everything. Make sure you get your share of pensions - things may seem difficult now but don't accept less than what you should.

ToxicChristmas · 28/03/2024 13:37

JustMarriedBecca · 28/03/2024 13:19

Speak to your solicitor about forcing a sale of the home. Basically say, WP, the offer is available for X days failing which you will be taking steps to force a sale of the home in order to fund a separate property for the children.

But for God's sake, seek legal advice and not a bunch of untrained Google lawyers on Mumsnet.

You remain liable for the debt. You could speak to the mortgage company and see if you can suspend payments. If you fail to pay and the mortgage company seek possession then you will lose value as compared to a sale on the open market (usually).

This is sensible advice.
Go on the advice from your solicitor.

caringcarer · 28/03/2024 13:40

Stop paying mortgage. He earns far more than you. Let him pay it if he is living there. Tell the solicitor you want to force the sale of the house and you want 50 percent of everything including pension sharing.

ScroogeMcDuckling · 28/03/2024 13:52

No I wouldn’t stop paying.

I would honour all my legal obligations to the end.

i would also take everything I’m entitled in law regards the divorce settlement

Wineandbackpain · 28/03/2024 13:52

My ex husband stopped paying towards the mortgage when he moved out. When it came time to sell we split the equity but all those years I was paying the mortgage alone I was reimbursed from his share of the equity.