Me and my partner have been together nearly 8 years. He has always had a very ‘close’ relationship with his mum- not deep close as in purely surface level, she could not tell you the names of his friends, significant moments of his life, his favourite music/food, his deepest dreams and goals. Close purely in the talking every single day, upset if not responded to within minutes kind of clinginess.
I always felt like she never liked me from the offset because I didn’t reply to the 20+ texts in a row. She used to assert her dominance over him by randomly showing up at his house and entering (with her own key), walking in on me in bed and randomly decorating his house when we were not home. If I had left jewellery on the kitchen counter, it would be ‘missing’ when I returned home albeit to a clean kitchen. Notable occurrence was a taxidermy figure displayed in the hall when I arrived home one day.
When he worked away for a long period of time, she used to complain and hate when he would come home and want to see me or his friends instead of spending time with her - even though he was only home for 1.5 days then away again, very fleeting visits.
Covid was a blessing for us as we had a valid reason not to see her, since she always caused a huge stress, made passive aggressive comments and general headache. Over the years she has become significantly more dependent with age, however she gets around no problem but likes to ‘call upon’ her precious son to do tasks for her immediately. Doing it later when he was free was never an option
Fast forward to now, we have great jobs, our dream home - which they do NOT have a key to - a gorgeous little toddler and a few pets. LIFE IS GOOD. Except for the in-laws (MIL specifically!) There are times where we need their help with a few things and sometimes they come without strings but almost always there’s visits attached, which I oblige and sit and listen to their stories for hours. They are completely uninterested in anyone but themselves and generally spend most of the time complaining about the other family in their life. Because of this we rarely see them, maybe once every few weeks, as it takes a lot out of us who work full time and lead busy lives. This is not good enough for them and they always complain it’s not enough.
On the occasions where they have been in our company, she has made horribly insulting comments - about my 5 month old child’s weight, saying they are fat and need to wear dark colours to appear more slimming, shaming or showing next to no interest as they grow up and try to engage with their grandparents. ‘Oh they are nearly crawling’, ‘maybe they will start talking properly soon’. All the while my child is actively ahead for their age and happily trying to get their grandparents attention.
I would rather my child did not have to be in the presence of these harmful negative comments and people however they are still my partners parents.
Recently my MIL accidentally sent a voice note to my partner, where she is complaining about me and my family to random people in her community group, and saying that ‘her friend tells her that her son needs to get some balls and come to her house on his own with the grandchild more often’. This has obviously caused a lot of upset for my partner to hear, I always knew she had a nasty streak but masked it behind this ‘innocent little bird’ act. But it’s now clear as day the way she speaks about her family.
Part of me is not surprised but I’m in disbelief that she insists on sharing this cruel lies about her sons own family when they are invited around most weeks and choose not to come because they have more important things to do with their community group. They also couldn’t possibly believe their son doesn’t want to see them and it must all be me.
Where do I go from here? I’m torn between being the bigger person and not allowing her to make me look like the bad guy by refusing her any more access to my son without my presence. And just being done with the whole situation, it’s so horrible feeling this way and I feel so sorry for my partner growing up with such self absorbed parents. We are incredibly lucky to have an amazing support network in my family but how would you approach the MIL?
Really appreciate your advice x
AIBU?
Should I be the bigger person or cut off MIL?
ThatCandidTraybake · 26/03/2024 09:54
Am I being unreasonable?
376 votes. Final results.
POLLLovepeaceunderstanding · 26/03/2024 10:22
I didn’t ever have a mother in law and I’m really sad that I didn’t ever get to meet her. My father in law was an horrid person who actively hated me. In the end I withdrew from seeing him but I didn’t ever seek to stop him from seeing my husband or our children because they were entitled to a relationship with him. In the end my father in law said some pretty appalling things about one of our children and my husband cut off contact with him. It took me years to get my husband to resume contact and I persevered because I love him and I didn’t want him to regret having lost his relationship with his dad and I especially didn’t want him to be able to blame me for not seeing his father.
I see such a lot of posts here which appear to me to be looking for encouragement to go non contact with in laws. Some people may have no choice but we only hear one side of the story here. Men are often a bit rubbish at keeping up social contacts but your husband does talk to his mum, perhaps he would prefer it if relations were more cordial?
It’s not a competition for who is the dominant female in your husband’s life, you have different roles. Could you talk to your mother in law in a spirit of kindness about how you are feeling and how she feels?
I have two daughters in law they are very different but I’m fond of them both and see both families regularly in fact I’m off on a short break with my younger son and family tomorrow. It can work beautifully, I know that my son’s wives and families are their top priority and my lovely daughters in law know my husband and I still hold an important place in our sons hearts and have valuable love for our grandchildren.
I hope you try at least because if nothing else if you ever have a son yourself you will be teaching him what his future relationship with you should look like once he has a partner of his own.
Hotdogity · 26/03/2024 11:07
You want their help- but you don’t want to have to see them when they provide this service for you?
Generally, if someone wants a favour, they are expected to be polite to the person giving it? It sounds like you’ve trained the IL to give you distance- but now when you invite them round because you need something they mistakenly take that as an invitation to see you- whereas what you actually want is for them to do the favour and fuck off?
OneMoreTime23 · 26/03/2024 11:22
There are times where we need their help with a few things and sometimes they come without strings but almost always there’s visits attached,
what things?
ThatCandidTraybake · 26/03/2024 11:32
Anything really - from borrowing a ladder, helping with the garden to very occasionally watching our pets for a few hours
im very appreciative of their help, it’s just sad when we can be having a nice time then they always end up becoming rude and saying hurtful things. Whether it’s about our child being behind developmentally, my partners weight, comments about mess in our house as a few examples
not sure if it’s a generational thing saying very blunt things that not acceptable now?
OneMoreTime23 · 26/03/2024 11:22
There are times where we need their help with a few things and sometimes they come without strings but almost always there’s visits attached,
what things?
Lovepeaceunderstanding · 26/03/2024 10:22
I didn’t ever have a mother in law and I’m really sad that I didn’t ever get to meet her. My father in law was an horrid person who actively hated me. In the end I withdrew from seeing him but I didn’t ever seek to stop him from seeing my husband or our children because they were entitled to a relationship with him. In the end my father in law said some pretty appalling things about one of our children and my husband cut off contact with him. It took me years to get my husband to resume contact and I persevered because I love him and I didn’t want him to regret having lost his relationship with his dad and I especially didn’t want him to be able to blame me for not seeing his father.
I see such a lot of posts here which appear to me to be looking for encouragement to go non contact with in laws. Some people may have no choice but we only hear one side of the story here. Men are often a bit rubbish at keeping up social contacts but your husband does talk to his mum, perhaps he would prefer it if relations were more cordial?
It’s not a competition for who is the dominant female in your husband’s life, you have different roles. Could you talk to your mother in law in a spirit of kindness about how you are feeling and how she feels?
I have two daughters in law they are very different but I’m fond of them both and see both families regularly in fact I’m off on a short break with my younger son and family tomorrow. It can work beautifully, I know that my son’s wives and families are their top priority and my lovely daughters in law know my husband and I still hold an important place in our sons hearts and have valuable love for our grandchildren.
I hope you try at least because if nothing else if you ever have a son yourself you will be teaching him what his future relationship with you should look like once he has a partner of his own.
Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 26/03/2024 11:44
These mil stories never cease to amaze me. Speaking from experience and I always say this these types of inlaws don't change. This woman has zero boundaries and is completely oblivious to how toxic she is, imagine to say such a thing about a child let alone your grandchild. Someone's going to have to have a real conversation with this woman and it does fall to her son. Really the voice note (if it wasn't the comment about the baby) is the perfect opportunity to start as you mean to continue so to speak. Take your chance now. If your partner doesn't speak up .. youre also more then in your rights to speak up. If you have had enough and you don't need us to tell she's obviously toxic then do something now. If she doesn't like it .. Well.. we all know what she can do... lol good luck x
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Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 26/03/2024 11:44
These mil stories never cease to amaze me. Speaking from experience and I always say this these types of inlaws don't change. This woman has zero boundaries and is completely oblivious to how toxic she is, imagine to say such a thing about a child let alone your grandchild. Someone's going to have to have a real conversation with this woman and it does fall to her son. Really the voice note (if it wasn't the comment about the baby) is the perfect opportunity to start as you mean to continue so to speak. Take your chance now. If your partner doesn't speak up .. youre also more then in your rights to speak up. If you have had enough and you don't need us to tell she's obviously toxic then do something now. If she doesn't like it .. Well.. we all know what she can do... lol good luck x
Pheasantsmate · 26/03/2024 12:05
If they’ve had enough, they need to stop asking for favours 🤣. She can’t tell her MIL that enough is enough when she then wants her to pet sit or do the garden. Principals are expensive-OP can’t afford them
Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 26/03/2024 11:44
These mil stories never cease to amaze me. Speaking from experience and I always say this these types of inlaws don't change. This woman has zero boundaries and is completely oblivious to how toxic she is, imagine to say such a thing about a child let alone your grandchild. Someone's going to have to have a real conversation with this woman and it does fall to her son. Really the voice note (if it wasn't the comment about the baby) is the perfect opportunity to start as you mean to continue so to speak. Take your chance now. If your partner doesn't speak up .. youre also more then in your rights to speak up. If you have had enough and you don't need us to tell she's obviously toxic then do something now. If she doesn't like it .. Well.. we all know what she can do... lol good luck x
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