To think that DH is weirdly angry about me being sick?

[DickheadDH]

It's so hard to pin the exact behaviour down but I'll try. Obvious name change.

DH always seems irritated and jealous when I am unwell. It's a general vibe and like he goes out of his way to ignore me.

I'm currently ill with some awful virus, high fever, cough and feeling achy all over and dizzy. The dc are also quite unwell, so I have them both in with me tonight, and I wanted to put the steamer on.

I asked DH for help to reach it as it's on top of the kitchen cupboards and I couldn't reach. He ignored me and pretended he didn't hear.

I got quite upset as I was worried I was going to fall off the chair (and I realise this sounds dramatic, but it actually hurt dragging the stupidly heavy thing across to the cupboard so I can reach).

When DH saw I was upset he got angry and sulkily said 'why are you trying to pick a row'. I couldn't be arsed with the drama as I'm shattered so just said sorry I wasn't feeling well (to which he grunted) and went up to the dc.

I realise this may sound like a mountain out of a molehill, but something like this happens every time I am unwell. He also starts claiming he is sick every time (despite not having a fever, cough or any discernable symptoms).

I'm quite confused. When he is like this I genuinely worry that if something was seriously wrong with me he wouldn't call an ambulance. I know that seems silly but it's just this feeling that he doesn't give a shit about me.

But when I'm not ill he loving, caring and attentive. It's so bizarre.

His DM is a bit like this. You can't be sicker, or having a worse time than she is or she seems to get sulky.

What the fuck is this? Does anyone else face this behaviour? I have tried to discuss it with DH but he just says I'm imagining things and not to be ridiculous.

[DickheadDH]

I'm interested in opinions that believe I'm BU too. I genuinely want to know why this is happening, or if I'm doing something wrong.

[SKG231]

it Sounds like he is used to having everything done for him and he begrudges you not being well enough to do it.

[SpacePotato]

Not you. He's just an arsehole.

Some men really don't like it when their wife or partner is sick because it means they might have to cook their own tea or take care of children or just take responsibility for things in general.

He heard you ask for help and deliberately ignored you as punishment for daring to be ill.

[Flyonthewall01]

As much as he is clearly being a dick. The above example does sound overly dramatic and performative. I’d ignore the drama of it all but still get the steamer down for you

[DickheadDH]

@SKG231

it Sounds like he is used to having everything done for him and he begrudges you not being well enough to do it.

That's what is strange.

When I'm not ill he does his share of the housework and looking after dc. We tag team it and if I'm honest he sometimes does the lions share depending on which day it is.

Which is why this is so confusing, it is only when I'm ill that he seems angry and ignores me. Or he sulks if I don't offer condolences for his symtomless illness he suddenly develops when I or the dc are ill.

[BoohooWoohoo]

This is a surprisingly common topic on here.

By chance do you normally do everything while your h does nothing? This incident is a symptom of something bigger.

[DickheadDH]

@Flyonthewall01

As much as he is clearly being a dick. The above example does sound overly dramatic and performative. I’d ignore the drama of it all but still get the steamer down for you

I can see that it does sound a bit dramatic. I'm not often ill but this bug seems to have made my whole body hurt and my chest feel like broken glass.

[TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow]

Some people don't deal well with sickness for whatever reason. If he usually pulls his weight then it sounds like he's one of those type of people

Doesn't make his behavior acceptable though, he's an adult and needs to get over himself

[DarrylPhilbin]

He doesn't like it when his WifeBot3000 has a malfunction. What happened to in sickness and in health?

[Candleabra]

He thinks you are somehow getting an advantage by being ill and less able to share the work within the house.
It’s such an unkind view that it’s hard to see how it can reconcile with a loving partner. Do you want to be with someone like this?

[DowntPubSandra]

I had something similar thr other week. I'm certain it flu, by day 4 I couldn't open my eyes for much longer than 10 mins, everything hurt, if I managed to get out of bed I felt dizzy and nauseous etc... it took about 7 days for the symptoms to slowly start to ease and even now I still feel more tired than usual. I have never actually been as ill as that before.

Luckily my husband wasn't a cunt though. But I do hear you about him suddenly becoming ill as well as soon as you are, mine is one it those too. I think its an attention thing?! That's all I can think!

[Totallynottrolling]

Unfortunately this is not uncommon male behaviour. It’s exasperating. YANBU

[neverenoughplants]

YANBU. Unfortunately this is the sort of thing that unmasks some really unattractive behaviour in men. My own take on it is that he gets resentful and annoyed because he knows that when you're unwell, he can't ask as much of you, and may be expected to contribute more to household tasks/work (shock horror).

Some men seem to immediately back away whenever they think they might need to be caring or look after someone, which I often find very interesting. If he's like this when you've got a cold, what would he be like if (for example) you needed significant surgery and would be on bed rest for a couple of weeks?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Obviously I know I don't have the full details of your relationship etc, but this is pretty unfair and disrespectful of him. He doesn't sound very kind or loving. Is he a good partner in other ways, or does he often tend to be selfish?

[ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs]

Just another viewpoint..I grew up with my mum being chronically ill. It dictated our lives totally. So now, i hate illness, and struggle to have sympathy for minor illnesses, having watched my mum deal with real life altering illness her whole life, and just carrying on. My family have accused me in the past of being not sympathetic- I'm happy to dole out the paracetamol, cook the dinner etc while they recover, but don't come moaning to me about it! Won't help anyone! And any kind of dying Swan act leaves me cold
(Edit: unless you are a dog or cat. Then I will fuss and fret!)

[LightSpeeds]

Is he generally caring (I'd be surprised if he was)?

[AttaThat]

You’re not alone, there’s posts on this topic most weeks.

Here’s an interesting statistic :

The study confirmed earlier research of a divorce or separation rate among cancer patients of 11.6 percent, similar to the general population, but found the rate jumped to 20.8 percent when the woman was sick versus 2.9 percent when the man was ill.

(That’s from Reuters, it’s a bit old but there’s masses of data available that says the same thing)

So… men are often shit when their wives are ill. Is yours more shit than average? Do you think he’d leave you if you got really ill? Is it worth putting up with this kind of selfishness? Rhetorical questions.

[EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness]

@DickheadDH

That's what is strange.

When I'm not ill he does his share of the housework and looking after dc. We tag team it and if I'm honest he sometimes does the lions share depending on which day it is.

Which is why this is so confusing, it is only when I'm ill that he seems angry and ignores me. Or he sulks if I don't offer condolences for his symtomless illness he suddenly develops when I or the dc are ill.

When stressed or prompted by similarity of situation people can end up in the behavioural patterns modelled to them as children. If he's a decent respectful man who does his fair share the rest of the time then it may be as simple as he's acting the way he was taught to by his parents. I wouldn't talk to him about it while sick, but if it really worries you bring it up at a time you're both fine. You could try using I statements, "when you do X I feel Y." Its supposed to be less blaming language. These patterns can be hard to break because they are ingrained since childhood.

[OooScotland]

YANBU, but this is something that comes up over and over again. Mine is the same. When I’m ill he gets irritated and / or pretends its not happening. Stays well away from me if its a cold or something obviously infectious. Will feed himself but not me unless I ask him for food. Is affectionate as soon as I’m better.

I got chewed out on another thread for saying that apart from this he is a good man, but after 23 years of marriage to him I think I know better than them what he’s like!

Its a part of ‘adulting’ that I think comes as a huge shock to some men who have always been the ones taken care of. I have no advice.

[OooScotland]

@DickheadDH

I can see that it does sound a bit dramatic. I'm not often ill but this bug seems to have made my whole body hurt and my chest feel like broken glass.

Have you tested for Covid?

[dizzydizzydizzy]

ExDP was like this. It was part of his narcissitic abuse. He didn't like anything that took the attention off him.

[Drapion]

My partner is awful like this when I'm ill. I get quarantined every 4 hours a drink but absolutely nothing else unless I push for it. So I call him Florence nightingale until I'm better. It doesn't help him but it definitely makes me feel better!

When he is sick I purposely tell him step by step how to treat someone when they are sick. I emphasise the help I give and model a proper Florence! Either the care I give or the fact he can't stand the 'modelling good practice' means he's better in no time! (Unless it's manflu which as we all know is as deadly as the plague)

[Bedtimestoriesthatlasthours]

Exactly the same in this house, I find it really upsetting too, I worry about when we’re old, if I needed it, would he look after me? Unlikely.
So sorry, op, it feels awful

[Theoldbird]

@Flyonthewall01

As much as he is clearly being a dick. The above example does sound overly dramatic and performative. I’d ignore the drama of it all but still get the steamer down for you

How is it dramatic and performative? she asked her husband to get, he didn't, seems angry about her being ill, she got it herself, but was dizzy and weak so found the chair heavy and worried she might fall off it?

[Lucybee0]

He sounds like a narcissist. Dr Ramani has some good videos on this.

[Aquamarine1029]

Read up on the percentages of men who leave/divorce their partners when she becomes seriously ill. For men like this, when their comfort level is threatened and they are no longer being mothered by their partner, they are out the door.

Your husband behaving like this because he is resentful and pissed off at not being #1.