To pull back from MIL as much as possible

[evb83]

It's a long post but need to give the background!
DH and I have been married 10 years this year, we have two DC ages 8 and 6. We met and lived in London until I fell pregnant and decided to move to either near my family, or near my in-laws. We chose my in-laws because it's a nicer area and DH was keen to come back here. Both sets of parents are approx 150 miles from London but in different directions, so it means I'm not close to my own family at all.
MIL has always been nice enough to my face but we've never been best friends, we wouldn't ever do anything just the two of us. She's never said anything until recently but I could always tell she thought I wasn't good enough for her son - that no-one would be. She's just one of those types!
She said to me when first DC was born that she's not the maternal type, she isn't a hands-on grandmother. Fine by me, I'm not the sort to want others around all the time anyway, although appreciate that children benefit from a grandparent relationship.
I was a SAHM for 7 years until both DC were at school so didn't need regular childcare; MIL would babysit every so often when DH and I went out but she always had to be asked, she would never offer. DC didn't like going there, they basically sat on tablets/phones the whole time with the occasional trip to the park. MIL wouldn't even think about taking them for a day out to the zoo or anything like that.
Then a year ago I got a term time job, 3 days a week, and we asked if she would do school pick up for 2 of those days each week and bring them home and stay with them until I'm home from work, so about 1.5 hours each day. She was happy to do it - great, it could improve their relationship, I thought!
Fast forward to just before last Christmas. MIL was upset about something trivial, she is a bit of a drama queen and gets upset like a toddler does. She said some things to DH about me, who in turn told me, and I said we need to all have a conversation the next day and get it all out in the open. I'm not a confrontational person at all, I hate it, but things needed to be said. So the next day comes and the three of us have a 45 minute long frank discussion - calmly, no raised voices - where she tells me that no one is good enough for her son, or her daughter (her daughter has been married for longer than us and has three children, the oldest being 8 years older than our eldest. She has always looked after them a lot but it's always the same with them in that they go to her house, she'll never take them out anywhere or do anything fun with them), she finds me unapproachable, we have nothing in common, and that I took her son away from her when we got married. (Bear in mind that he lived 150 miles away from her before we married, and now we live 3 miles away because we chose to come back here to start our family!! So as far as I'm concerned I actually brought him back to her.)
But what bothered me the most was when she said she doesn't care about anything or anyone in her life except DH and his sister...she doesn't care about her husband (not DH's dad), her elderly mum who is ill, her brother. Then she said "I love all my grandchildren but I wouldn't care if I never see any of them again."
Well. That's it. I didn't even really react at the time because I was dumbfounded! DH told her to stop talking then because she is burning bridges. She left.
DH apologised for his mum, he knows she's useless and has had many an argument with her over the years about how little she sees us and the kids. He said if I ever want to have it out with her and have a bitchy screaming match he will totally be on my side (not my style though!)
But ever since then you wouldn't even know she'd said all that, she's completely normal around me, texts me when she needs to and uses blowing kiss emojis etc, she's perfectly nice to my face. As far as I'm concerned I don't want her around us anymore, unfortunately unless we put DC in the after school club three days a week which is quite expensive, we need her. So I am civil to her, but I don't ask how she is and what she's been up to, like I used to. I won't go round to hers if I can possibly help it, DH can go and take the kids if he likes but I won't go. I don't want the whole thing brushed under the carpet because she said hurtful things (I don't really care what she thinks of me, it's the comment about my DC I don't like) but I don't know how to act around her. AIBU in not letting go in this way or should I just forget it and move on?

[Duolingo]

As far as I'm concerned I don't want her around us anymore, unfortunately unless we put DC in the after school club three days a week which is quite expensive, we need her.

Just pay it op....
I'm sorry ☹️

[StephanieSuperpowers]

Well it seems like you need her, so I don't think you have any choice.

[houseydncf]

Pay for your childcare, problem solved.

[fancyfrogs]

I'm afraid I'd have to pay for after school club. There's absolutely no way I'd want any contact with her or have her around my children when she's literally said to your face she doesn't care for them. Yes relationships with grandparents can be great, but it's quite clear that this grandparent does not want that for whatever miserable reason

[Motnight]

@fancyfrogs

I'm afraid I'd have to pay for after school club. There's absolutely no way I'd want any contact with her or have her around my children when she's literally said to your face she doesn't care for them. Yes relationships with grandparents can be great, but it's quite clear that this grandparent does not want that for whatever miserable reason

This.

[SeriouslySad]

I this situation is lay the child care / change jobs, I just wouldn’t be able to see passed that

[HideTheCow]

@fancyfrogs

I'm afraid I'd have to pay for after school club. There's absolutely no way I'd want any contact with her or have her around my children when she's literally said to your face she doesn't care for them. Yes relationships with grandparents can be great, but it's quite clear that this grandparent does not want that for whatever miserable reason

This. I wouldn't want her near me or my children. I have had a grandparent who wasn't nice about my parent to my face, you only realise when you get older all the shitty remarks someone can make about your Mum or Dad. Cut her off now. Pay for childcare. If she just said you didn't like you that would be bad enough but she wouldn't care if she didn't see her grandchildren again implying it is because they are tainted by your DNA contribution. Nope, she doesn't get to be around them.

[Dontlookatmelikethat]

I love all the grandchildren but I wouldn't care if I never saw them again...

So, she doesn't love them then.

Fine. Seeing that she wouldn't care if she never saw them again, she wouldn't be seeing them again if that was me.

I'd rather pay for the after school clubs than relying on a grandparent that has openly admitted she doesn't give a rats arse about the grandkids in her care.

If she only loves her own DC, and sees her DIL/SIL as people who took her DC away, rather than just joining the family, I'd put money on her viewing the grandkids in the same way. She doesn't love them because they're competition who have taken away HER time with HER DCs.

[THisbackwithavengeance]

Well I doubt she meant what she said, it all sounds very faux- tragic and silly.

I would say to her, "shall we put everything that was said last week behind us and carry on as normal?"

But in MN, you'll be advised to block/go no contact and generally create more drama because that's how people like to live their lives.

[SOxon]

Rightmove, tweaked cv, declutter, recommended removal firm, don’t look back

[Wishimaywishimight]

You're allowing a woman, who wouldn't care if she never saw them again, to look after your children just to save money?

I don't at all blame you not wanting to engage with her but it's hard to take the high road when you continue to use her for free childcare.

[evb83]

I guess I'm just hoping she'll turn around and say she didn't mean it, but she will never apologise even when she is in the wrong so that's very unlikely.
It does put my DH in a difficult position though which I don't want to do. She's still his mum, he loves her and has a (mostly) good relationship with her, even if he does think she's useless as a grandmother.
She is the DC's only nearby grandparent as well, my mum comes down as regularly as she can but being so far away that's difficult. I would love them to have a family member they can choose to go and see when they want to, which I guess is another reason I'm reluctant to cut contact completely, but maybe she just won't ever be that person!

[SausageAndEggSandwich]

Pay for AS care.

I understand what you're saying but you can't complain when you are using her for childcare.

Tbh I would move to be near your mum for when your eldest goes to secondary

It's only fair really, your DH has had his 'turn' living near his family, and his mum isn't the least bit appreciative so if she's going to be a bitch whatever you do, I would just please yourselves.

[Createausername1970]

I think you need to be pragmatic here.

Yes, she is a cowbag. But, she is saving you money. She is family, someone you kids could go to in an emergency. She has her uses.

Just use her as you need to, allow your DCs to have a relationship with her, but leave your DH to make all the arrangements and have any conversations with her.

You can keep your distance and keep your contact to a minimum, and benefit financially.

If it really doesn't work out then make other arrangements, but see if you can make it work to your benefit first.

[Nori10]

Well she's a fool really isn't she? If all she cares about is her dc, she's gone about preserving and fostering that relationship in completely the wrong way.

Odd comment re grandkids too. You don't not care about seeing someone you love, so i’d say she just said the ‘love’ part for your DH's benefit, in which case i’d be putting my kids in after school club. I don't expect any Tom, Dick or Harry to love my kids, but I do it except it of grandparents. They don't have to love them more than their own children, just enough so that they'd be sad if they never saw them again!

[DarlingEddie]

I would be wary of allowing your children to build a relationship with her or form an emotional bond with her. She does not love them back and this cannot be good for them in the long term.

[Doingmybest12]

Does she usually talk complete nonsense. I'd be worried about her well being on one level because it seems so odd. Was she trying to say something else and it was just clumsy. But basically you can not have it both ways. Either you have to get on with it and let it wash over you if you need the childcare amd she does look after them well or you arrange other childcare where you feel more comfortable and bsck off . All the stuff about no days out etc is irrelevant.

[Luxell934]

What was her actual issue though? What was the catalyst that caused this discussion? Because I’m guessing things weren’t all
fine and dandy and then 10 years later out of the blue she just came out and said that you took her son away and she never cares if she sees her grandchildren again because all she cares about his is her children? Seems a-bit strange to be honest.

[houseydncf]

@SOxon

Rightmove, tweaked cv, declutter, recommended removal firm, don’t look back

This.

[Love51]

If you can't afford 3 evenings childcare, you need to find a solution likes those of us who don't have reliable family do, because you are one of us now. Can DH get an early finish one afternoon if he swings his hours? Can you do reciprocal childcare (you pick up another family one afternoon a week, they do yours one afternoon) Would a childminder be cheaper? Can you sign them up for a sports club straight from school every Thursday and get back in time for that. It isn't a lot of years before they can handle a key and an empty house so you might need to suck it up for a couple of years.

[Jasmin1971]

@houseydncf

This.

Second this.

I would be very tempted to move far away enough in the direction of my own parents so that they can be closer than your MIL.

[Doingmybest12]

I'd be interested in knowing her side of things. She sees all her grandchildren but not enough and doesn't do what you think she should. She provides school pick up and childcare 2 x a week for a year but still not being the kind of grandma you want her to be. Clearly functions well enough to leave her with your children for free child care but still not quite right for you. You want fantasy grandma who is just waiting at home, arms ready for who might want to pop in at any time. Sounds like she might be frustrated by your expectations and thar she's not doing it right.

[FacingTheWall]

What caused the discussion/issue in the first place?

The not loving the grandchildren is very odd. Usually grandparents see them as an extension of themselves through their own darling children. I’m pretty sure my mum would throw me and my sister overboard if it saved my kids!

[Mitherations]

@fancyfrogs

I'm afraid I'd have to pay for after school club. There's absolutely no way I'd want any contact with her or have her around my children when she's literally said to your face she doesn't care for them. Yes relationships with grandparents can be great, but it's quite clear that this grandparent does not want that for whatever miserable reason

Amen. No way I'd be having my children spending hours every week unsupervised with her knowing how she feels about the children. She's batshit. You stay away, and let the DC do the same. Don't send them to her because she's cheap OP.

[MzHz]

onestly @Createausername1970 you have to stop this status quo - by carrying on with the childcare, she thinks you're all good.

Pay up for childcare and look for a longer term solution. You will get there.