So do i text back answer A, B or C to MIL?

[saltire]

It's Ds1's 10th birthdya next weekend. her and step PIL are arriving late on Friday night. To be honest, I'm annoyed about them coming anyway, she called up several weeks ago and said they were coming, just the day after my mum had said "we would like to come down in March/April will get back to you with the dates". however when MIL called to say she was coming, then DH had just said ok, so I then ahd to call my mum and say they couldn't come down. Next bone of contention was because they wanted to stay with us, which means us giving up our beds for them, and DH and I crammed into the tiny "3rd bedroom", for a week, me in the single bed, him on the air bed.
Anyway, last night I got a text from her, saying "I got DS1 a birthday cake. Do you need candles?"

So, do i reply
A) Oh well I will just cancel the one I have ordered for him
B) I wish you ahd told me, we will have 2 now
C) No I don't need candles

DH thinks I should just let it go, but then he thinks I get myself wound up uneccesarily when she's around. he thinks its fine for her to clean my house, comment on food, hide the TV remote, delete programmes from the Sky reminder etc etc

[purpleduck]

2 cakes is fine.

Does it matter if she gets him a cake as well?

I think its nice for your ds that his grandma is in his life - many children don't have that luxury.

Can you do a cake at lunch, and one in the evening?

My grandparents were a 12 hour drive away, so we never saw them. My childrens grandparents are a 3 hour drive away or in Canada, so they hardly ever see them.

I think in the grand scheme of things, your MIL's involvement is a good thing for ds. Its part of the fabric of his childhood.

We do lots of things we don't want to do for a children - putting up with inlaws is definately one of them!!!

Good Luck

[beaniesteve]

So.

If your mum and dad came to stay would you let them have your bed?

If your mum called up and said she had bought a cake would you accept it gladly even though you already have one?

I think perhaps you don't like your MIL so she can't do anything right. Assuming your husband actually gets on with his own parents, and you both live in the same house then I don't think it's unreasonable for your Parents in law to expect to be trated with the same kindness and politeness that you would treat your own parents.

[saltire]

My mum wouldn't expect us to sleep in camp beds, she would offer, or offer to go to a B&B. She wouldn't buy a cake without aksing me first, I know this becasue that's how she is. She knows me and that i would be annoyed if she just bought one

[Raeanne]

I would put a TV in the spare room and tell her that the main tv is staying off for the weekend as you wish to spend time as a family! If she wants to watch tv, she can do it in the privacy of 'her' room. And maybe offer to record the soaps that she will be missing.

As for the cake, I would thank her, tell her you have already got one, and suggest you have it for tea the following day.

[beaniesteve]

How about 'thank you so much for thinking of him. I already have a cake but I am sure we'll find someone to eat it. Don't worry about candles as we have some. See you when you get here, Dear child is so looking forward to spending time with his Grandparents'

[Crunchie]

Deffo do the cleaning rota, that would be a laugh!!

Seriously I know how this can bug you, my MIL forever does stuff like make the kids b'day cakes when I already have done. Clean my house a bit when she comes over (A cleaner does hers!!) SHe doesn't hog th remote and doesn't stay, thanks god.

BAsically I don't sweat the small stuff anymore, If she cleans, I thank her for helping me out (I work full time and I don't have Mases of time) or joke about it, MAYBE she is trying to help you (Although with the K&A comment I doubt it)

Cakes wind me up too, on my dd's b'day she told me she ws coming over in the evening - I get home at 6.45 after work, kids have been at Childminders and have had one b'day tea, she also invited SIL who was due to arrive at 6.55. SO I arrive home with MIL who has baked biscuits for my girls (I bought a cake on teh way home!) nephew who at 5 has not had supper (MIL was looking after him and baked biscuits instead of feeding teh poor lad!) and SIL arriving 5 mins after me.

The house was a bombsite as well - cleaner due next day. So I opened wine, made DN supper of beans on toast as he had 1/2 hour drive home and gave up.

So back to the OP, she is a bitch, BUT try not to let it get to you, just plan secret revenge, and know YOU will never do this

[TurkeyLurkey]

Saltire, to solve the sleeping problem, how about you stay in your room with a DC on floor on airbed. Outlaws go in your DC's bedroom. one in bottom bunk, the other on floor on mattress taken from top bunk (so they don't have to climb up a ladder and better than an airbed). Other DC in box room in normal bed?

Scoff the cake the night before after having practised a warm smile whilst saying "Thankyou so much, it was so thoughtful of you, we'll eat this tonight!".

[LeaveThatEggAloneNaughtyNigel]

Right - you need to spend today cooking - things like chilli, curry, pasta bakes and put them in the freezer. Next clean house from top to bottom - or better yet hire one of those companies that do one off spring cleans. Next make the most huge cake possible - and make it a fabulous - everything DS desires type of cake - not a bought from a supermarket dissapointment.
Then - and this is the cunning bit. HURT YOUR BACK. actually you could do this while scrubbing floors to make her feel nice and guilty. Then take to YOUR bed for the next week. Leaving MIL to try and clean your already spotles house, heat up meals for your DH and DCs that she doesn't like and entertain you DCs while you have a lovely rest. Then come DSs birthday you can make a miraculous recovery and appear with said fabulous cake.
That's what i'd do anyway.
p.s - what day is your DSs birthday? my DD is next sunday - really must pull my finger out and plan something.

[TurkeyLurkey]

or...... (warms to theme) you could make them up a double bed on the floor of your DC's room using both mattresses from bunk beds. Sell it to them as "oooh you've got the King Size in here!" as you grandly open the door

As you can see I'm an expert at "bedroom juggling" without the need to give up my own luvverly bed.

[posieflump]

oh mucho sympthathy Saltire from me!

My parents always stay in a B&B. They enjoy the break and can afford it.
Dh's parents can also afford it but he insists on inviting them here and they of course say yes.

I hate the fact they are here from when I get up to when I go to bed . There is no escape!
I have had to put my foot down and say 3 nights is long enough and no longer. So next time they come they are staying Thurs, Fri and Sat night and going home Sunday.
What grates about this is that they often break the journey and stay overnight somewhere on the way back (it is only a 6 hour drive) so why don't they stay in a hotel when they are here?
The only way I get through it is by suggesting to dh he takes them out with the kids all the time so I at least get a break.

[mumeeee]

It does not matter if your Ds has 2 birthday cakes so I would just let that go.
But din't give up your bed.

[saltire]

Well he's not budging on the bed thing! I said to him "well you have back problems, it won't help you sleeping on an airbed", and he said he would get in the single bed with me. I said no he wouldn't, as I have a chronic illness, which can be exacerbated (is that the right word)by lack of sleep, and I hadn't slept in a single bed for 15 years and certainly wasn't going to share it with him

[nailpolish]

what do you mean "he"

surely its both of you who get to decide

why dont you book yourself into a b&b, and just leave them all to it

at least if the IL's do sleep in your bed - get dh to change the sheets (both times) and wash iron and put all the linen away, and the same with the spare beds. and get dh to get up in the mornings and make the breakfasts whilst you get yours in bed.

i mean it!

[mumblesmummy]

I've not read all the answers to this, but I would say it sounds like one of those things that is starting to niggle after a long line of things. If she's staying a week, the shit's going to hit the fan at some point.

If I were you I'd just say 'Oh dear, I've already got him a cake, I'm sure he'll love 2 though!! Don't worry about candles, I'm sorted on that front'.

And then concentrate all week on not sticking candles and cake up her arse.

[mumwhereareyou]

Hi Saltire

Is there not a welfare flat that you could book them into for the week. When Dh was in Army and we were stationed abroad, i told ILs that rule was they could only stay for 4 nights and no more, they belived me.
Also i used to make the Ils sleep on air bed in front room knowing that we get up early just to annoy them.

I don't get on with Ils and DH nows that but he is stuck in middle he does try bless him,on DHs 30th birthday she hired a stripper for him and couldn't understand why i was angry and upset. She often compares me to a "handbag" like an accessory.

Now when she comes, i just go out and leave her with the grandchildren,and ,most nights go up to bed earlier and watch sky up there.

I really feel for you and hope the days go quick when she is there.

[saltire]

Oh yes, there are plenty of those welfare type houses in gosport, about £25 a night I think. DH won't hear of it though "your mum and step dad stayed here" is his response. Well yes they did but the Dses didn't ahve bunk beds at the time so they slept in tehre, 1 DS with us and the other in the cupboard spare room.

[Blondilocks]

I don't think 2 cakes will be a problem. Is he having a party?

We usually get one for DD's birthday and one for her party but one year her Nan got one for her party too, so we had 3 in total.

[scanner]

My PIL do the tv thing, FIL in particular and it bugs me because we never watch tv during the day unless it's childrens programs. One time they stayed FIL was watching the news, which had something horrific on while the children were in the room. I asked him if we could turn it off as it could be upsetting for them, which he did. Now he asks in a very pointed way every time, which makes me feel worse.

The other classic is that they ask why we can't eat at 6pm, knowing that dh doesn't get home until 7.30 at the earliest. If I suggest that they eat with the children they get huffy.

[magicfarawaytree]

you need to get your dh to understand exactly why your mil gets your back up. Until he is prepared to support / try to get things on a more palatable footing for you, you are on a hiding to nothing with mil. what would you do if it was the other way round? thats the least of what you should expect in return.

[magicfarawaytree]

my dh showed no back bone despite promising to. lets put it this way mil does nothing without now with running it past me first. We barely see her now but it is better than having her snipe and undermine me with my children. DH only has himself to blame.

[KimiKilledTheEasterBunny]

How about D. you are not welcome you interfering old cow, then invite your mum and dad instead

[ladymariner]

Agree with dior, but totally sympathise, saltire!!

[Nighbynight]

mumwhereareyou at the stripper story.

saltire you have my sympathy and admiration.
I'd aceept the birthday cake with thanks, tell her you dont need candles, and "lose" the remote.

My mother used to do this when I was married, arriving with her own food. But then she was bent on splitting us up from the moment she heard that Id met someone special.