So do i text back answer A, B or C to MIL?

[saltire]

It's Ds1's 10th birthdya next weekend. her and step PIL are arriving late on Friday night. To be honest, I'm annoyed about them coming anyway, she called up several weeks ago and said they were coming, just the day after my mum had said "we would like to come down in March/April will get back to you with the dates". however when MIL called to say she was coming, then DH had just said ok, so I then ahd to call my mum and say they couldn't come down. Next bone of contention was because they wanted to stay with us, which means us giving up our beds for them, and DH and I crammed into the tiny "3rd bedroom", for a week, me in the single bed, him on the air bed.
Anyway, last night I got a text from her, saying "I got DS1 a birthday cake. Do you need candles?"

So, do i reply
A) Oh well I will just cancel the one I have ordered for him
B) I wish you ahd told me, we will have 2 now
C) No I don't need candles

DH thinks I should just let it go, but then he thinks I get myself wound up uneccesarily when she's around. he thinks its fine for her to clean my house, comment on food, hide the TV remote, delete programmes from the Sky reminder etc etc

[Twiglett]

do not give up your bedroom unless they are infirm or arthritic

you need to make a stand

[pelafina]

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[Twiglett]

giving up your bedroom confirms to her that she is alpha-female in your home

sleep in your own bed!

[Freckle]

Plan of action:

Hire a cleaner to do the house top to bottom just before MIL arrives.

"Lose" the remote control to the tv in your bedroom.

Text back that you already have cake and candles because you are organised but why doesn't she bring hers too so you can have it the night before.

Oh and she will have to leave earlier than planned because your parents are coming to stay too.

[constancereader]

"She told DH that I should go on Kim and Aggie" How unbelievably rude.

I would answer with Buda's D.

[dizzychixies]

agree, I don't give up MY room and couldn't as I need somewhere to scream silently and not kill them

fil refused to eat asparagus last time they were over as its not something they could buy in ireland - what?!?!??!? FFS!!!!!!!!

we bought him distillers cut gin, he is a huge gin drinker, and he complained that it was cheap stuff and he would only drink gordons - he can buy his fecking own next time

[saltire]

Part of the problem with Dh is that he has thei sense of guilt that goes back to when he was a child, His mum and dad had to get married, and when he was 6, he heard them arguing and his mum said "I wish I'd never been pregnant with X(DH), then I wouldn't have had to marry you". They got divorced not long after. His mum didn't handle it well, and DH got a lot of the brunt of it. Now it's like a comptetion. When we go back to scotland we have to spend exactly the smae amount of time with each household, he gets step MIL asking questions about MIL and vic versa. He tries to please them all, instead of pleasing himself. He is also very much of the "Saltire you are getting yourself wound up, just let her get on with cleaning, etc it's only for a short while" Whereas I see it as a criticism of me and how I run my house and raise my children.
He is refusing to bakc down ont eh bedroom thing, he thinks that his 60 year old mum shouldn't sleep on the floor.

[Freckle]

Well, she wouldn't have to, would she? She can sleep in the single bed and step FIL can sleep on the air bed. Sorted.

[Twiglett]

oh fgs your DH needs a stiff talking to

how dare he .. she's only 60 fgs .. she's not an invalid

she can sleep on the single bed and FIL can sleep on the airbed

and tough titty to them

[dizzychixies]

sod that, its time he realised that a 6yr old canot be responisble for the breakdown of a marriage between two adults and its time he put his wife over his neurotic mother

[JodieG1]

D

[JodieG1]

I also agree with Twig, no way would I be giving up my bed.

[Carmenere]

Put it to dh like this - if his mother was the type of woman who was coming to your house to genuinely help you, you would gladly sleep on the floor. Or if she was infirm, you would gladly sleep on the floor. But this is your home, and she has the nerve to clean it when you don't want her to? That is aggravating behaviour, she is antagonising you, how dare she buy a cake for your sons birthday without asking you? Ok if she was terribly maternal and wanted to bake a cake fro her grandson and had asked you, no problem at all. But to announce that she is staying for a week? Not on, at al. And your problem here is your dh and his willingness to put her before you in your own home

So what I would do is say - you should have told me you were buying a cake, never mind I'll freeze it.
Do get a cleaner, or do it yourself - that is fuel you don't have to give her.
Tell her she can only stay for three days as your parents are coming. Tell your dh this too, even if it is not true.
Take control of your home back.

[Carmenere]

Oh and don't give up your bed.

[Blueskythinker]

Could you draw up a list of cleaning which you want done? That would stop her in her tracks!

Eat her cake the night before - & enjoy, but no way does she get to have the glory moment on the birthday.

Hide the remote control.

Do not give up your own bed. Is there a nice B&B nearby?

Oh, and for all those not living in Ireland, we do have asparagus here!

[pelafina]

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[pelafina]

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[Carmenere]

I think that part of the problem is that we all have a tendency to revert to childhood roles when we are with our parents and your mil is guilty of behaving as if you are a child too. I know that my mum had a bit of a problem with my sil because she was just over familiar with her iyswim. Your dh and you mil are ignoring the fact that you are a grown adult and that you deserve privacy and respect.

[Bouncingturtle]

Saltire - I feel sorry for you DH because of issues with his mum when he was a kid... but he still needs to grow a backbone. He should be supporting you a lot more - your MIL sounds a bit of a 'mare!
I think the cake thing would piss me off a little, but in the grand scheme of things isn't that big a deal. OTOH, that they essentially invited themselves over would annoy me more - my pils and my dps would always ASK if it is ok to visit (they all live a long way from us and come for a few days).

[dizzychixies]

well said carmenere

I think when mine arrive over in May one of the kids will have unfortunately just 'lost' the sky card

[Bouncingturtle]

Carmanere - I think you have you just hit the nail on the head!

[TheAntiFlounce]

Broken record technique

"We don't watch X in this house. I watch Y at this time"
oh but oh but oh but

"Oh I know. But we don't watch X in this house. I watch Y at this time"
BUT I MUST WATCH BLAH BLAH

"Well, we don't watch it in this house. I watch Y at this time"

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[saltire]

Of course the problem we ahv enow is that we live so far away. When we were in Fife, it was only a couple of hours away from the ILs, so she either came up for the day, or arrived late on friday night and left on Sunday. Now we are 8-9 hour drive from them, hence the coming for a week. I don't know if she realises we are leaving to go to my mums on the 5th April, so hope she's not planning to stay longer.
The problems I have with MIL all stem back to when DS1 was born, she didn't bother me before then.
God I probably osund really ungrateful, but I hate having visitors (yes, even my mum) for longer than a couple of days, I know they are the DSes grandparents so try and put up with it, but I jsut feel like, I'm 37, I've been married for 15 years, I have travelled the length and breadth -literally- of this country with DH on his postings and feel that I should be albe to say when something annoys me, to say that she pisses me off to her face, I tell my mother when she is winding me up, and as my mother says, if i can say it to her, then is hould say it to MIL.
I have tried the "oh but I have a chronic illness which can be made worse by lack of proper sleep" to DH about the bed thing, but he's not budging.
I'm waffling now