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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with in laws?

90 replies

TiredandWornoutFTM · 14/10/2023 15:04

Will try to keep details as brief as possible. We have been invited on a holiday abroad next year with my in laws and I really don't want to go. The holiday would be paid for by them, we would just need to pay for flights and some spending money.

Ever since the birth of our first child I have found them more and more unbearable. My MIL is very overbearing and treats my DS like it's her baby- she has even referred to him excitedly as my baby. We clash a lot over things like weaning, screen time etc.

I have nothing in common with them and their idea of a holiday is to drink heavily and lay by the pool getting sunburnt all day. I don't drink due to health reasons and like to explore local culture etc. My FIL is not as overbearing as my MIL but can be emotionally manipulative and volatile.

Since giving birth I have also suffered with severe anxiety and PND which I am receiving counselling for but the idea of having to travel abroad with a toddler seems incredibly stressful.

Basically AIBU to deny my DH a nice holiday with his family even though I'll be miserable the whole time??

OP posts:

Moveoverdarlin · 14/10/2023 15:06

Tell your DH how you feel. I would feel exactly the same as you. I’d have to be paid at least 20k in cash in order to tolerate a holiday with my in-laws.

TomatoSandwiches · 14/10/2023 15:08

If that's what your relationship is like YANBU.

WhateverMate · 14/10/2023 15:09

Why would you be denying your husband a holiday?

Surely he can still go?

Catza · 14/10/2023 15:09

Just because you are going on holiday with them doesn’t mean you have to spend the entire time by the pool. You can still go off and explore with your kid and your husband.
Grandparents will always have opinions on childcare which differ from your own. You don’t have to clash over it. You can just refuse to engage 9n discussions around that.
Obviously, if you feel uncomfortable, you don’t have to go. But I would let your husband (and possibly your kid) go without you if he wants to.

mn29 · 14/10/2023 15:11

I’d feel the same as you. Tell your h you’re putting your mental health /anxiety first and not going because you’d be miserable. Would he/you be ok with just him going or would that cause even more issues?

Oysterbabe · 14/10/2023 15:11

You wouldn't have to spend the whole time with them and they can babysit in the evening so you can go out for dinner.

Zanatdy · 14/10/2023 15:12

I’d go, and do my own thing in the day. I mean even if you did drink you could sit around the pool all day drinking with a baby. Then just spend a meal together in evening; and I’d retire to the room early and leave husband to it

Namerequired · 14/10/2023 15:21

Have you any issue with your husband and child going without you?
You will have limited of these holidays, parents aren’t around forever. There’s nothing saying you have to spend all your time with them and they are taking the bulk of the cost. Children can gain a lot from grandparents and though you have niggles there’s nothing in your post that says they aren’t good ones.
Your husband is entitled to have a holiday with his parents, as are they with their son and grandchild. They are a family too. You are of course entitled not to go, but weigh up the cost of going and not going. I say this as someone who was never that fond of my mil. It’s improved as we both have got older. My biggest issue with her was her lack of interest in my children though.

Justmuddlingalong · 14/10/2023 15:22

If the type of holiday you like differs to theirs, how would it work?
Would they cast up that they paid, despite you paying for flights and spends yourselves? Would they expect you to all be together 24/7?
Would they question your choices regarding DS?
Would it be a chore, stressful and the opposite of how a holiday should make you feel?
If these questions ring alarms, tell DH that you're sitting this out and why. He can make his own decision.

beetr00 · 14/10/2023 15:27

Probably better doing what you'd prefer at the very outset, unless you want to set a precedent!

olympicsrock · 14/10/2023 15:29

It would be a hell no from me. Why pay for flights to spend time with people you don’t like. Do your own thing. Limit your time with them to shorter periods of time.

SacAMain · 14/10/2023 15:31

Holiday with their in-laws is most people's idea of a holiday from hell.

Can't you compromise? Have them over for diner, or even stay over one night, but keep your holidays to yourself!

If they are paying, that's even worst, they can turn over-bearing and make requests on how you all spend your time, it would be a firm NO for most.

m00rfarm · 14/10/2023 15:33

It sounds like you are looking for reasons to make your ILs look rubbish. Lots of people like to relax around the pool and have a drink. It is not WRONG for people to do this. If you prefer to do something else, that is up to you. Who is saying you can't do it? Maybe your DH would rather sit around the pool and relax as well. He can look after your DS and you can go and get cultured. No one is wrong and no one is right - it is just personal preference. I cannot see why you think you HAVE to do what the ILs are doing - just be independent and do your own thing.

Clarinet1 · 14/10/2023 15:33

I vote either neither of you goes or just DH.
To PP suggesting that the GPS could babysit, hello! Drink! Pool! Baby! Probably not wise.

Storynanny1 · 14/10/2023 15:34

Does your husband want to go?
I wouldn’t want to go in your situation, it would be a ghastly week away.
Like olympicsrocks says, do your own thing.
From the grandparent/mother in law point of view- in my extended family there are groups I’d love to spend holiday with and often do - and then one daughter in law who doesn’t want to make even polite conversation with me, so that would be a definite no thank you.

2chocolateoranges · 14/10/2023 15:35

Not for me, my in-laws all went on holiday earlier this year, we didn’t go(I did say that I didn’t mind if dh went with them, he chose not to) I just can’t think of anything worse than having spent £2/3k to go on holiday and having to share my holiday with people I wouldn’t spend long periods of time with.

I want to go on holiday and be able to choose between dh and i what we want to do rather than having our time dictated to us.

MardiLisa · 14/10/2023 15:38

YANBU but what is your husband's take on this? I don't think I could enjoy a holiday knowing it would make my partner so miserable.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/10/2023 15:38

A holiday with anyone whose idea of 'fun' is sitting around drinking all day is my idea of hell. Who on earth wants to sit around watching other people get soused?

Based on that alone I'd say no but encourage my DH to go if he wishes to. The time on your own spent quietly with your DC may actually be more relaxing for you than a week in a 5star VIP suite. If you feel your PND and anxiety may affect your ability to relax on your own, source extra support like an extra counseling session or quietly plan to have a friend or relative spend some time with you.

sandyhappypeople · 14/10/2023 15:42

Can’t your DH go and you stay home with the baby? I love my in laws so can’t really relate, but if you know you won’t enjoy it there isn’t really any point in going?

does your DH want to go?

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2023 15:42

The OP been asked if she wants to go.

She doesn't want to. She doesn't need to find reasons to tolerate it or work round it or have them babysit in the evenings.

She is allowed to refuse!

Why go away with people you don't like just because they're 'family'?

Mariposista · 14/10/2023 15:47

Say you can’t get time off work (unless you’re a teacher and they’ve booked for school holidays of course) and let DH and DC go and enjoy a week of peace on your own at home.

MollyMarples · 14/10/2023 15:48

Don’t go OP!

SweetFemaleAttitude · 14/10/2023 15:50

I would rather shit in my hands and clap than spend a week on holiday with my IL's. Been there, done that, once bitten and all that, so I have sympathy for you.

However, I would not stop DH going at all and would want him to go and have a lovely time.

frenchfries111 · 14/10/2023 15:52

Nope. Going on a holiday you won’t enjoy and with in-laws nope.
I don’t think holidays with others work unless everyone is very clear about what is expected, and you won’t get that with over bearing in-laws.

PrinceHaz · 14/10/2023 15:52

Don’t go. They sound as if they would impinge on your happiness even if you did do your own thing for most of it.
They would find a way to be overbearing.
If saying no to a holiday with rude in laws is a problem for your dh, then you have a dh problem.

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