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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband messing with my head

37 replies

Montana1612 · 07/10/2022 11:24

My husband keeps changing his mind on an almost weekly basis at the moment as to whether he wants to stay married to me. For a few days he’ll be very loving and then he’ll be uninterested and distant and then go back to being loving. When I try to get to the bottom of his behaviour he is very vague and just says he loves me but sometimes has doubts as to whether I’m the right person for him (I don’t understand why though as when he’s not behaving like this we get along so well and have a lot in common and great chemistry).
I spoke to him a couple of weeks ago and told him how his behaviour was destroying my mental health and the uncertainty was awful to live with. He was very apologetic and told me he never wants us to split up as he’s realised he does love me more than anything. Things seemed to be finally getting back on track and he was making a big effort to be consistent. Fast forward to last night where out the blue he said he wants to divorce again.

I don’t really know why I’m posting as I already know what I need to do which is to leave him before he destroys my self esteem completely.I’m starting to think he is interested in someone else and can’t decide between us. Has anyone ever been through anything similar?
why does life have to be so difficult sometimes 😞?!

OP posts:

Greydogs123 · 07/10/2022 11:28

You’ve said yourself that you need to be the one to make a decision here. Only he can answer why he is being so cruel, but it is not the actions of a man who
loves you. In your shoes I would just tell him that what he is doing is cruel and unfair and you have decided not to live with uncertainty, and then leave him. As you say, it is destroying your self esteem and then it will be harder to leave.

KangarooKenny · 07/10/2022 11:35

Make the decision for him and end it. He’s abusing you.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/10/2022 11:35

I don’t really know why I’m posting as I already know what I need to do which is to leave him before he destroys my self esteem completely.
I'm sorry your H is so deliberately cruel to you. But well done for biting the bullet - you are right, it now needs to be YOU that stops this terrible dynamic.

I’m starting to think he is interested in someone else and can’t decide between us.
Put this out of your mind.
It doesn't matter WHY he's doing it - it only matters that he IS doing it.
You are the only person who can make it stop - by getting in front of a lawyers, understanding what your options are financially, & cracking on with a divorce.
Your H is toying with you for his own pleasure. Maybe it makes him feel powerful. Maybe he enjoys seeing you undermined & upset.
But ... what do the reasons matter? what matters is that he's not the man you thought he was, & that nobody should have to live with this uncertainty & deliberate cruelty.

You will feel a little better once you have taken control back. And don't listen to a thing he says once you have - this man will tell you anything, including all the things you longed to hear, in order to regain control of you. He is a spiteful, nasty little man. Don't allow him back inside your head, ok?

Toomanysleepycats · 07/10/2022 11:43

I suppose if he’s really twisted he could be doing this to make you be the one to pull the plug. Then he can be the blameless party.

If he does have someone else lined up may be he thinks he can say you dumped him, and he was just so lucky to have found someone else so soon.

You could start lining up your ducks, but similarly play him and say you don’t mind, you have decided to stay with him FOREVER AND EVER!

KangFang · 07/10/2022 11:44

Tosser.
Make the decision for him.
Take the trash out.

Etinoxaurus · 07/10/2022 11:45

Take control my love. He’s toying with you.

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 07/10/2022 11:45

"Okay let's get divorced then. I cba to put up with your emotional abusive behaviour."

AguaFiestaFeminista · 07/10/2022 11:48

You know what to do, and you're strong enough to do it.
💜

Notimeforaname · 07/10/2022 11:49

He probably is interested in someone else op. But the thing to really pay attention to here is he's not interested in you.

He picks you up and puts you back down when he feels like is. Have some respect for yourself and you finish it. He clearly thinks you are 100% willing to sit around waiting on him and wont ever leave him.

Do it. Leave him.
He doesn't give a fuck.

Notimeforaname · 07/10/2022 11:50

"Okay let's get divorced then. I cba to put up with your emotional abusive behaviour."
Yes to this

quietnightmare · 07/10/2022 11:54

Questions to ask yourself and or him

How is his mental health?
Is there someone else?
Is there a sexuality issue?
Is there issue with his family or yours?
Did he have a traumatic childhood?
Has a traumatic incident happened that you met or may not know about?
Is there financial issues?
Is he kinky? No friends?
Is he bored/feeling trapped? Needs a hobby?
Has he done something bad he is worried to tell you?

If none of these things are the case then you need to move on you deserve better. If these are the case you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness and not abuse but they are things that can be worked through so he must be willing to seek counselling. You deserve to be loved and not have to put up with being treated this way. Stay strong op

Cakecakecheese · 07/10/2022 11:54

It's not life being difficult, it's your husband. If he truly loved you he wouldn't treat you like this so why stay married to someone who doesn't love you?

quietnightmare · 07/10/2022 11:55

KINKY I MEAN LONLEY HOW DID THAT EVEN CHANGE TO KINKY

Dancingjane · 07/10/2022 11:55

Hes emotionally abusing you. Tell him if he wants a divorce he can have it. You can’t live like this. A person who loves you will never treat you this way. Let him go. If he backtracks just tell him its over. He’ll only do it again and again.

Original poster

Montana1612 · 07/10/2022 12:05

Thanks everyone. I am so scared for it to end for good but I Know I need to do it as my mental health is spiralling. His mental health is very up and down and I think he is interested in a woman he is friendly with at work.

OP posts:

Noteverybodylives · 07/10/2022 12:08

I spoke to him a couple of weeks ago and told him how his behaviour was destroying my mental health and the uncertainty was awful to live with.

YABU

Your MH is suffering and the uncertainty is awful to live with - maybe you should stop allowing yourself to be taken for such a mug and decide what’s best for YOU.

He could not make it more clear that he doesn’t love your or want to be with you but he’s staying out of pure convenience.

Why are you waiting for him to find someone else and leave?
Why are you ok with being the fill in until he finds something better?

You know he’s going to leave.
That’s a given.
Make your peace with it and then make plans to leave him first.

HangOnToYourself · 07/10/2022 12:13

I'm.sorry you are going through this op but you know he doesnt love you or he wouldnt treat you this way..take the power out of his hands and end it for good.

Have you posted about this before btw, I remember a while.back a poster having a very similar situation with her husband and I always wondered how she was and if she ended things

Penguinsmum · 07/10/2022 12:19

Raise your standard and self esteem and dump him! He sounds absolutely horrible. Make the decision for him and stick to it! He is treating you like an absolute mug. No normal decent man would do this.

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/10/2022 12:23

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Just get rid of him. He's treating you with complete cruelty. Don't let him have that power.

GloriousGlory · 07/10/2022 12:25

Jesus Christ what an absolute cunt! I'm so sorry OP, kick his sorry arse out.

Your mental health must be in ruins.

whynotwhatknot · 07/10/2022 12:28

Nah sorry thats abusive i love you one minute i want a divorce the next and then keeps changing his mind-i wouldnt stand for that

GetThatHelmetOn · 07/10/2022 12:32

IMO he wants to leave but doesn’t want to be the executor of the marriage. He wants you to end it.

Start putting your ducks in a row, this relationship is over, he is just afraid of leaving before he finds someone to replace you with.

Cw112 · 07/10/2022 12:35

That's so unfair of him to keep you on tenderhooks like that. You need to step back and evaluate what it is that you want for your future and what is in your best interests. Then make a decision for yourself. He's half in half out and that makes a healthy happy relationship impossible because it takes two equally committed people to make it work. I'd start investing more in yourself, your friends, your own hobbies and interests and generally all the good parts of life outside him. If he decides he wants in and is genuinely committed he would need to be proving that after shaking your trust in him. But he's not really doing that since he keeps changing his mind. You do what's right for you. You deserve to be happy and with someone who wants to be with you.

extrasushiplease · 07/10/2022 12:37

Sending you the best of luck. Now is the time to shore up your resources: trusted friends, family, legal expertise, talk with your bank about how this will change things, therapy, keep up any exercise/hobbies that bring you happiness and fortitude. Divorce is a huge, scary thing because yes, your life will change. However, it’s extremely clear that once the rocky procedural part is through, you will experience relief and emotional freedom so sweet that your head and heart will feel so, so much lighter.

Listen to women who’ve gone through this and use their hard won wisdom to help you along. No matter how you may feel right now, you are NOT alone and will not be alone: You’re just cutting out an unstable, childish agent of chaos from your life. The most important decisions are the scariest, and they also have the biggest payoff.

Reach out to whoever you need to right when you need to during this difficult time; please do not hesitate or worry about being a bother. As your emotions and mental state have taken a steady battering, don’t feel bad for feeling uncertain and vulnerable right now. Stay on the path to mental health and happiness, remember that it’s not your fault (you’re just sadly tasked with the fallout. Us women are so lucky, ha!) and take baby steps if need be in the direction of happy freedom. But take. Those. Steps.

We’re rooting for you!

Sunnyqueen · 07/10/2022 12:37

He's falling out of love with you but is not ready to end it with you for whatever reason.

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