Husband messing with my head

[Montana1612]

My husband keeps changing his mind on an almost weekly basis at the moment as to whether he wants to stay married to me. For a few days he’ll be very loving and then he’ll be uninterested and distant and then go back to being loving. When I try to get to the bottom of his behaviour he is very vague and just says he loves me but sometimes has doubts as to whether I’m the right person for him (I don’t understand why though as when he’s not behaving like this we get along so well and have a lot in common and great chemistry).
I spoke to him a couple of weeks ago and told him how his behaviour was destroying my mental health and the uncertainty was awful to live with. He was very apologetic and told me he never wants us to split up as he’s realised he does love me more than anything. Things seemed to be finally getting back on track and he was making a big effort to be consistent. Fast forward to last night where out the blue he said he wants to divorce again.

I don’t really know why I’m posting as I already know what I need to do which is to leave him before he destroys my self esteem completely.I’m starting to think he is interested in someone else and can’t decide between us. Has anyone ever been through anything similar?
why does life have to be so difficult sometimes 😞?!

[SuperSange]

It's not just his decision. You can make decisions too; he's abusing you, you can end it. You don't need his permission.

[WonderingWanda]

don’t really know why I’m posting as I already know what I need to do which is to leave him before he destroys my self esteem completely.I’m starting to think he is interested in someone else and can’t decide between us. Has anyone ever been through anything similar?

Do it op, take back the power and leave him. You will feel so much better and can start planning your exciting new future without this weight around your neck.

[monkeyupsidedown]

I had the same. There was another woman. They had a child a year after.

[Travellingwomble]

Get your financial ducks in a row ..NOW. Speak to a solicitor and ensure he cant mess you over. Then surprise him.... put all of his clothes in a black bin liner and leave it at the front door. Tell him you've thought about it and decided to reject his kind offer of putting up with his shit. If he doesn't feel he wants to stay with you then you are making his mind up for him. Tell him you'll be in touch about a divorce but you'd like no contact until absolutely necessary as you've had enough of his fannying about.

No-one deserves his kind of shit.

[WoopsIdiditagain1]

You need to priorities yourself and your mental health over the relationship. I think you would also benefit from counselling.

[Novum]

You know you need to tell him that if this doesn't stop you are taking the decision for him, because you don't want to stay married to someone who doesn't care about your wellbeing and mental health.

[Newusernameaug]

The way I would see it and reason with myself is this is clearly never going to work out long term - how can it after how he’s behaving? Therefore the longer you stay, the longer you have to suffer and the more your mental health will suffer - the quicker you get out the quicker you can begin to heal.

sorry he’s being such a horrible twat to you

[Aquamarine1029]

Fucking hell, stop being such a doormat for this fuckwit of a man to wipe his feet on.

Take control and get rid of him right now. No more talking, no more listening to the drivel coming out of his mouth. He's enjoying himself fucking you around like this, it's a perverse ego boost thinking he has you wrapped around his finger. Stop tolerating this.

[DeclineandFall]

He's trying to get you to end it so he won't be the baddie. Its a simple as that. He can then swan off with his new woman and pretend he's done nothing wrong. He's a weak sad man. Give him what he wants but make sure he knows its his fault.

[PinkiOcelot]

I know it’s hard and you don’t want your marriage to end, but you can’t go on like this. Take back the control from him and tell him to go!

[BitOutOfPractice]

If you have a wobble, read @extrasushiplease EXCELLENT post.

If there's not something going on already with the work woman, there wil be soon.

Take control of your life and destiny. I guarantee that your mental health will benefit from it.

[Sunnyqueen]

He's falling out of love with you but is not ready to end it with you for whatever reason.

[extrasushiplease]

Sending you the best of luck. Now is the time to shore up your resources: trusted friends, family, legal expertise, talk with your bank about how this will change things, therapy, keep up any exercise/hobbies that bring you happiness and fortitude. Divorce is a huge, scary thing because yes, your life will change. However, it’s extremely clear that once the rocky procedural part is through, you will experience relief and emotional freedom so sweet that your head and heart will feel so, so much lighter.

Listen to women who’ve gone through this and use their hard won wisdom to help you along. No matter how you may feel right now, you are NOT alone and will not be alone: You’re just cutting out an unstable, childish agent of chaos from your life. The most important decisions are the scariest, and they also have the biggest payoff.

Reach out to whoever you need to right when you need to during this difficult time; please do not hesitate or worry about being a bother. As your emotions and mental state have taken a steady battering, don’t feel bad for feeling uncertain and vulnerable right now. Stay on the path to mental health and happiness, remember that it’s not your fault (you’re just sadly tasked with the fallout. Us women are so lucky, ha!) and take baby steps if need be in the direction of happy freedom. But take. Those. Steps.

We’re rooting for you!

[Cw112]

That's so unfair of him to keep you on tenderhooks like that. You need to step back and evaluate what it is that you want for your future and what is in your best interests. Then make a decision for yourself. He's half in half out and that makes a healthy happy relationship impossible because it takes two equally committed people to make it work. I'd start investing more in yourself, your friends, your own hobbies and interests and generally all the good parts of life outside him. If he decides he wants in and is genuinely committed he would need to be proving that after shaking your trust in him. But he's not really doing that since he keeps changing his mind. You do what's right for you. You deserve to be happy and with someone who wants to be with you.

[GetThatHelmetOn]

IMO he wants to leave but doesn’t want to be the executor of the marriage. He wants you to end it.

Start putting your ducks in a row, this relationship is over, he is just afraid of leaving before he finds someone to replace you with.

[whynotwhatknot]

Nah sorry thats abusive i love you one minute i want a divorce the next and then keeps changing his mind-i wouldnt stand for that

[GloriousGlory]

Jesus Christ what an absolute cunt! I'm so sorry OP, kick his sorry arse out.

Your mental health must be in ruins.

[Thepeopleversuswork]

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Just get rid of him. He's treating you with complete cruelty. Don't let him have that power.

[Penguinsmum]

Raise your standard and self esteem and dump him! He sounds absolutely horrible. Make the decision for him and stick to it! He is treating you like an absolute mug. No normal decent man would do this.

[HangOnToYourself]

I'm.sorry you are going through this op but you know he doesnt love you or he wouldnt treat you this way..take the power out of his hands and end it for good.

Have you posted about this before btw, I remember a while.back a poster having a very similar situation with her husband and I always wondered how she was and if she ended things

[Noteverybodylives]

I spoke to him a couple of weeks ago and told him how his behaviour was destroying my mental health and the uncertainty was awful to live with.

YABU

Your MH is suffering and the uncertainty is awful to live with - maybe you should stop allowing yourself to be taken for such a mug and decide what’s best for YOU.

He could not make it more clear that he doesn’t love your or want to be with you but he’s staying out of pure convenience.

Why are you waiting for him to find someone else and leave?
Why are you ok with being the fill in until he finds something better?

You know he’s going to leave.
That’s a given.
Make your peace with it and then make plans to leave him first.

[Montana1612]

Thanks everyone. I am so scared for it to end for good but I Know I need to do it as my mental health is spiralling. His mental health is very up and down and I think he is interested in a woman he is friendly with at work.

[Dancingjane]

Hes emotionally abusing you. Tell him if he wants a divorce he can have it. You can’t live like this. A person who loves you will never treat you this way. Let him go. If he backtracks just tell him its over. He’ll only do it again and again.

[quietnightmare]

KINKY I MEAN LONLEY HOW DID THAT EVEN CHANGE TO KINKY