Family/Friends haven't come to see first baby after almost 5months

[BabyOnBoard90]

Pretty much as title suggests. I have people who previously I would have referred to as my closest friends, have never come to see my baby. Since baby was born we haven't had as much support at one would have hoped.

Understandably it's our child, thus our responsibility but it's hard not to feel somewhat disappointed. I had an emergency C-section and was sent home 2days later. DH and I have been somewhat alone and figuring out ourselves since then. From giving the first baths to understanding every cry we've been pretty alone. It doesn't help that our baby is particularly fussy.

My Mum is a 30min train away but has only visited a couple times. Sister 15years older has only come couple times at 5months. I saw how much my mum supported her with her children, and I also helped out significantly-but in comparison I've been essentially left to myself.

My (ex)best friend lives 30min drive away, hasn't seen baby once.

DH has had it even worse with family/friends. His MUM works as midwife 15mins away from where we live in the same hospital baby was born. She hasn't seen baby since it was a WEEK OLD, nor has she called to check in. Not sure what her issue is, but DH doesn't have wherewithal to deal with familial dramas now he's a parent.

All DH close friends don't live far, but after 5 months, only 2/6 have seen baby -they were groomsmen at wedding a year prior. One friend, who he previously considered a best friend, literally lives a 20mins drive away (London) hasn't met baby, and keeps suggesting to meet up with the flakiest approach (e.g. taking days to respond to confirm a day).

We have tried not to be entitled because we accept it was our decision to bring a child into the world. So I guess I'm just venting here to see if "we are being unreasonable "?

Because no one has come by to support, we haven't been away from baby as a couple at 5months - only we know how to manage/settle baby. My mum came by for first time in months last week, and she didn't know how to settle baby - bearing in mind she's had 6kids and 6 grandkids! I'm her youngest child.

On top of all this, close aunties/uncles haven't come by either.

Just to be clear, I've tried to be open and honest with family that things have been difficult but it hasn't really provoked any support.

So in a nutshell, AIBU and or do I have cause for disappointment?

[LadyGAgain]

YANBU and I'm really sorry that those you thought you were close to have let you down. Can you join some baby groups and find some friends who are going through something similar at the same stage?

[Sceptre86]

Yanbu when it comes to your mum and close family. I'd speak to them though and ask why at least in your mum's case she didn't come sooner. I wouldn't get hung up on her not being able to settle your baby, mine is a year old and neither my mum or mil can settle her. They haven't spent much time with her so she isn't that interested in them.

I'd actively contact friends and invite them around for tea, cake and a natter so they can meet baby. Perhaps some of them are trying to give you space to get used to being new parents? Maybe the cost of living means they can't really afford a present at the minute?

I'd get out to baby groups now if you haven't already and start meeting people.

[DarkAndDusty]

Agreed you need to actively invite people round if you want them to come. A lot of people won't necessarily know intuitively that you are looking for company/support. Some new parents don't.

[BabyOnBoard90]

@LadyGAgain

YANBU and I'm really sorry that those you thought you were close to have let you down. Can you join some baby groups and find some friends who are going through something similar at the same stage?

Thanks for your kind words. I haven't really come across many in my position, which is partly what provoked me to see if I'm wrong here.

The few friends I have that are new mums all have help from parents and siblings, and while they all still seem tired and stretched, it's hard not to want to switch places.

[HollyJollyXmas57]

I think YABU overall but also YANBU.


Yes I think your best friend should have seen you and some family but I’m not sure what you are expecting from them… They are not here to look after your baby.

I can see why your DH friends haven’t seen the baby.
babies are not that Interesting and a lot of people in general are not bothered about meeting babies etc.

did you not expect to do the first bath and figure out the crying on your own? This is all pretty normal things that couples do on there own.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

That’s awful OP I’m so sorry. We didn’t have any help but certainly had people want to come and meet the baby, congratulate as such. Your friends I’d cut loose and your family, well let’s just say I would do fuck all in their old age

[FluffySocksAndHotChocolate]

Have you asked your mum and MIL why they haven't made more of an effort?

Your sister probably thinks her baby days are over and isn't that interested, my dear brother is the same fantastic when he does actually see them when we're all my parents together but he doesn't like kids so doesn't go out of his way to see them.

[MummyNads]

I dont think you're being unreasonable. I can also imagine that with no support its hard to even remember everyone to invite over (seems like you explaining how hard it is to family is a cry for help/invite). Sorry you're going through this its easy for parents to get PPD and as new parents its can be difficult to know what to do. Hope things get better for you!

[Timeforredwine]

How old is your mum, after 6 children & 6 grandchildren is she very busy? Personally i dont understand why they wouldnt see you. How often did you usually see each other before baby? As others have said some people feel like you may have your hands full so could do without visitors. Maybe as suggested meeting other mums at baby groups is a good idea. Hope all goes well.

[BabyOnBoard90]

@DarkAndDusty and @Sceptre86 thanks for your posts.

I do agree, and yes I have discussed with some friends/family to come round but as I say, people have been quite flakey.

I don't want to come across as entitled to people's time and pressure them to come when they don't feel enthusiastic about doing so.

But I appreciate and understand your points.

I guess it's just disappointing in the sense that people aren't interested in recognising my milestones as I was their's. For example when my (ex) best friend had a baby I came to visit after a couple weeks, it's been 5months and she's had no interest in coming.

And there's certainly no expectation that people should provide gifts.

[BabyOnBoard90]

@Timeforredwine

How old is your mum, after 6 children & 6 grandchildren is she very busy? Personally i dont understand why they wouldnt see you. How often did you usually see each other before baby? As others have said some people feel like you may have your hands full so could do without visitors. Maybe as suggested meeting other mums at baby groups is a good idea. Hope all goes well.

My mum is 63, and works like 3hours a day (school dinner lady). So not particularly busy. Other grandchildren are secondary school age.

[MrsTimRiggins]

i don’t blame you for feeling a bit sad, I know how you feel really. Do you invite people over? If so, and they’re still not willing to put in even the slightest bit of effort, then fuck them tbh, but perhaps they’re waiting on invitations otherwise.
My mum can’t settle my son (11mo) as she doesn’t see him more than once every 3 weeks or so, whereas MIL who sees him every single week ag least once and offers to do bathTime/bedtime etc, he goes off to sleep the same as he would with me… nearly anyway 😂
my family overall can be a bit shit for seeing us and that is somewhat disappointing but honestly, all I need is DS and DH.. and the dogs. They’re my priority and everything else is a bonus I guess. I refuse to waste time and energy stressing about that which I don’t need to.

[No499]

Sorry but I think YABU. Unless there's a massive dripfeed, you have additional needs or are particularly young, as the parent you would be expected to learn how to bath and learn your baby's cries. Who do you expect to learn these things, if not you?
Unfortunately life changes when you have a child, especially a baby. I saw less of my BF, still love her to bits, but we were at different points of our lives. Have you tried to engage with them? Asked them round or invited them out?

[BabyOnBoard90]

@FluffySocksAndHotChocolate

Have you asked your mum and MIL why they haven't made more of an effort?

Your sister probably thinks her baby days are over and isn't that interested, my dear brother is the same fantastic when he does actually see them when we're all my parents together but he doesn't like kids so doesn't go out of his way to see them.

MIL is a complicated woman. Don't really want to speak negatively about her but she has a short-fuse and drinks a bit too much -which is DH has run out of patience I suspect.

I should add this is her first grandchild.

[OhmygodDont]

Yanbu and yabu. It’s both.

Alot of people wait for an invite to come around as they don’t want to intrude.

It does suck that best friend and mil and mum haven’t tried to visit/visit more.

However your mum has 6 children and now 6 grandchildren to split herself between. You being the youngest means as harsh as it is, it’s all very much been there done that a million times. Again with your sister you helped a lot when she had hers but you had no children at home to juggle this with.

We have never watched dhs nephew’s to give the parents off time, because we have three children to juggle as it is. We do see them but honestly by five months old we probably hadn’t seen either of them much as they are babies they don’t really do much or need much past feeding, nappy changing and sleeping. They can’t play with their cousins or anything. If they had asked us to watch one or both for an hour or something we probably would have but we wouldn’t just offer it.

[cestlavielife]

Soeak to your health visitor
They are there to show you and support you
Maybe there are still volunteer schemes like home start sending a volunteer to your house
Go out to baby groups
Make new friends locally who have babies
Invite for coffee
Friends and family are not obliged to help you change nappies or feed baby tho nice if they do, if none ask health visitor what support is out there in community or pay a home help
Hire a baby sitter or home help

It us up to you
You are a parent now
It is your responsibility
But reach out to your health visitor or gp if you are atruggling

[BabyOnBoard90]

@No499

Sorry but I think YABU. Unless there's a massive dripfeed, you have additional needs or are particularly young, as the parent you would be expected to learn how to bath and learn your baby's cries. Who do you expect to learn these things, if not you?
Unfortunately life changes when you have a child, especially a baby. I saw less of my BF, still love her to bits, but we were at different points of our lives. Have you tried to engage with them? Asked them round or invited them out?

I think it's more that close friends haven't met child, but no I don't expect people to look after baby. I suppose I thought my mum would at least be around to provide some guidance as she did with my siblings and is part of our culture.

But to answer your other Q yes, I've spoken and invited people round. But I can't force them to actually come.

[Sunnytwobridges]

babies are not that Interesting and a lot of people in general are not bothered about meeting babies etc.

this.
i never expected anyone to come see my baby when I had her. And it really doesn’t cross my mind to go see anyone after they have their baby. Maybe once within the first couple of months but thats it. Usually we would meet up for lunch or coffee then I would see them then.

[stillsleeptraining]

YANBU and I'm very sympathetic. We've been through something very similar and it's lovely. People are shit!

[Stillfunny]

That is very disappointing. I know that my cousin felt a lot like you . She was much later than her siblings having children and felt like it was nothing special to anyone else as baby was 8th grandchild. I felt very bad for her and tried to make a point of seeing her . But of course , lack of interest and support from her own Mum and MIL really upset her.
You are right to be sad about this. But people can be so self absorbed and inattentive. Perhaps you could gently say that you would love to see more family with baby . Unfortunately you can't shame people into anything as they then get defensive . But they should be ashamed of themselves.
Glad that you and DH are a happy unit together with a new baby .

[AirFryerNinja]

They probably read MN and think they're not allowed to visit until the baby is at least one term into school.
Yabu to refer to your baby as ' it '.

[BabyOnBoard90]

@AirFryerNinja

They probably read MN and think they're not allowed to visit until the baby is at least one term into school.
Yabu to refer to your baby as ' it '.

Trying to maintain anonymity, hence "it"

[InsertPunHere]

DH and I have been somewhat alone and figuring out ourselves since then. From giving the first baths to understanding every cry we've been pretty alone. It doesn't help that our baby is particularly fussy

What did you think would happen? Isn't that what all new parents do? Literally the actual parenting part?

I get that it's very disappointing when you're the last in the family to have children and they are a bit "been there, done that" while you're in your first flush of excitement. And babies are extremely boring to a lot of people (not me, I love babies and am always chuffed to bitd to have a cuddle with one) so that can be a factor.

My advice is to get yourself to as many baby and toddler groups as you can to meet some new people. I made some wonderful friends at these groups, and am in touch 20 years on.

[Gysophilla]

You might have slightly unreasonable expectations - I don’t know many people who were away as a couple from a 5 month old baby. I remember DH and I went out once together when DS was six months old - for 2 hours while BIL came over. Then we paid for an occasional babysitter from a reputable agency once DS was 9 months. We don’t have friends or family babysit, we’ve always paid.

[Gysophilla]

Ps I certainly would have thought your midwife MIL might have taken a bit more of an active interest though!