to be annoyed that brother is judging DD

[kirstywursty012]

Hi everyone - it would be great to get some other perspectives so I can stop feeling like I'm going mad!

My brother and his wife are over with their 11 month old baby for 3 weeks (they live in the US) - its been so nice to see my niece and brother. We were very close growing up and since he became a Dad, its been harder to stay in touch.

However, he keeps making backhanded comments and doing side eye to his wife whenever my 3 year old is playing up. It's driving me insane! She's had her odd moment if her cousin is trying to play with one of her toys and because she hasn't had all our attention, she does act up for it. She hasn't really been that bad though - she's said more adorable, funny things over the past couple of weeks than bad and has been really sweet and kind wanting to cuddle her cousin.

The good times seem to go unnoticed though and my brother said something along the lines of "she kicks off a lot, you need to put her on the naughty step" to me in passing. It's starting to stress me out and I can definitely see myself taking it out on her and losing my rag a lot faster.

It also doesn't help that they just have NO interest in leaving the house. We've been cooped up all day together (I would usually take DD out twice to wear her out) - they say its pointless as their daughter is too young to enjoy any kids stuff. I also think DB's DW is a bit of an agoraphobe as she doesn't seem to go out much at home either.

And finally - their daughter is a really quiet chilled baby but she doesn't eat any solids. They have her on the floor during dinner time and I always say "shall I pop some of the food in a bowl for her so she can try it" and they just say "oh she's not really into solid food". I then think to myself "and you judge MY parenting??"

Is this just petty brother sister squabbling or AIBU in thinking he's actually being a bit of a d*ck?

Oh I couldn’t be doing with that - get her out and about in the fresh air and keep doing you. If they want to stay inside all the time that’s their lookout.

as for the comments, I think I’d be telling him to get on his naughty step.

their time will come….

11 months??? Ha ha ha ... they know NOTHING...yet!!!
You carry on with your usual routine.. out and about.. your little girl is your priority, visitors or no visitors...
Ignore his comments... just let it roll over you...

Both of the above replies x10

My brother's DD is 18 months older than my DD. She was an angelic baby and he was pretty judgemental about my lively toddler. Fast forward a couple of years and his DD was having a full on tantrum, which included peeing on my new carpet - he was mortified and I felt rather smug.

🤣🤣 oh they just need to wait and that’s when I would return the comment.

I’d just ignore to be honest, wait until their child is 3. If they want to stay in, let them. Just say I am going to go to x place as DD likes to get daily fresh air etc. Seems a bit odd they are effectively on holding and don’t want to go out themselves, even if their baby is too young to appreciate.

I think you are both being unreasonable and judgemental

This

Take your DD out, their baby really should be trying solids by now and my DD was never going to be like one of those kids that lays on the floor screaming in the mall….. until she became one of those kids on the floor screaming in the mall.

Their time will come! I would remember their comments, and repeat them to them on their next visit!
But please don't keep DD inside, if you are usually out and about. Take her to the park - ask if they want to accompany you and, if they don't, leave them behind. They might actually be glad of a couple of hours to themselves.

No way would I be keeping my child in because visitors can’t be bothered going out. She’s probably acting Up more because she’s not getting out.

it’s really hard in your situation, I’ve been there and unfortunately our differences in parenting styles and DB’s judgemental attitude towards my children has really affected our relationship. His children are no angels in anyones eyes but their own and they work hard to keep up their image. My advice is just to keep your daughters boundaries as you would if they weren’t there, it’s hard but it’s not nice being on edge because you want to avoid their judgement.

Take your dd out as usual. Let the rest of it go. I suppose if it was my sibling I'd say something like "get back to me when that gorgeous baby is 3"

And an 11 month old would love to be out, looking at new things, seeing children in the playground, sitting in the sand pit.

Ha. The smug parent of a baby, offering advice to the parent of a toddler, is a cliche for a reason...

That said, I think cousin, sibling, and aunty/uncle relationships are precious, so I'd try to let go and rise above it. There is the same age gap between my DC2 and my DN. Luckily my DSis is fab and has generally always adored my DC and had developmentally appropriate expectations of them, but there were still a few times where I had to bite my tongue. And a few short years later, my DC2 is largely sensible and biddable and DN is the handful, and it's my turn to not make judgmental remarks

Defo carry on your normal life and get DD out and about when she needs it, though. Fine for them to stay at home, but it's not fair to ask a 3yo to compromise that much for visitors IMO.

Oh - I think you do need to prep a couple of ready lines for brushing off silly nonsense like "she needs the naughty step" or whatever. For me with my DSis I would prob laugh it off with something like "yeah yeah, come back and tell me about it when DN is 3!" but ymmv, you might prefer to say you don't like those methods or you don't want his advice or you'll put him on the naughty step or whatever. It doesn't matter what exactly it is, you just need a way to brush it off so that you don't start absorbing it.

Ha ha, 11 months pfb. They're still at the stage where they think they're in total control of how their dD turns out.

Never mind, they'll probably have a classic fireball dc2 soon WHO runs then ragged - and realise they don't have as much control as they thought.

IME DC2s are very good at challenging parental narcissism.

Laugh and tell them you're recording their comments for in 2 years time.

Then take your dd out for a walk and play as usual.

Thanks everyone! I love Mumsnet! I'll rise above it for now and smugly bank his comments for a later date.

And you're right, I shouldn't be changing DD's routine for visitors. I'll carry on with our usual outings and invite them along at any opportunity.

They sound like if Sheldon and Leonards mum had a baby on Big Bang Theory
They sound like a right bore. And pretty stupid in my opinion. Why come to the UK from USA just to stay indoors. And don't even start me on the fact that their child isn't even being encouraged onto solids...sounds like their baby is a science experiment!

I think you should carry on as normal with ur DD. She sounds like bags of fun, my DD is the devil incarnate but her uncles and aunties adore her because they love her cheeky personality. I know it can be a handful but laugh it off. DD gets on my tits even now that's shes 4 but I just find her hilarious now. Defo don't keep her indoors either.

Bet you can't wait till Mr and Mrs judgeypants leave!

I know exactly how you feel op. Your dd needs to go out to run off the energy to help her sleep. I would try to ignore their naive comments and behaviour. Or do the mum thing: ‘If you don’t stop telling me what to do, you’ll go on the naughty step. It’s one minute for every year of your life and you’re not allowed any electronics or reading material.’

The kindest thing you can do tbh is to show consistency in your parenting as well as to demonstrate to your brother and sil how littlies need socialisation and to run around.

At 11 months that baby will be seriously low on iron if she's not eating solids - no wonder she's 'chilled out' That's serious neglect and will cause serious health problems soon.

They need an urgent referral to paediatrics if baby is refusing all solids, there are a few things that could cause this and all need looking into.

Oh, and YANBU re: other stuff, 3-year-olds are hilarious but high energy! They'll learn...

Similar age gap between my DD1 and DN1. My brother witnessed DD having a tantrum around 2 and was appalled. He soon learnt. Don't let it bother you!

she doesn't eat any solids. They have her on the floor during dinner time and I always say "shall I pop some of the food in a bowl for her so she can try it" and they just say "oh she's not really into solid food".

What the.........???

Honestly, they're in no position to judge you if they have no interest in their daughters nutrition and don't see any reason to take their 11 month outside the house.

My son is 11 months old and he is plenty old enough to enjoy all kinds of things and I would be absolutely stressed off my head if he was eating no solids!

I'd still get her out and leave them in. X