To think that men just don't get it?

[JasmineJJ]

Don't get me wrong, DH is a great dad to our two kids, aged 1 and 3 - he does loads around the house, cooks, takes the kids out on his own frequently to give me a bit of a break. But still, I don't think he really gets how hard being a mum is. I think his view is that parenting is hard full stop, and that he's just a bit calmer and somehow more able to manage than I am, and I'm finding that increasingly frustrating.

I feel like he doesn't recognize how much more freedom he has - he's been on work trips, to festivals, had nights out - admittedly not many, but more than me! I haven't had a single night away from the kids in 3 years. I'm still breastfeeding the youngest and so do all the night wakings - up until very recently, I hadn't had an uninterrupted night's sleep for over a year. He can get stuff done when he's looking after the kids - they don't hang off him and demand things from him in the way that they do with me - my youngest is particularly clingy at the moment, which I find quite stressful. He can take the kids out for the day and basically feel like super dad - some days I feel like a great mum, but mostly I feel like I'm pretty mediocre.

Sometimes I just get a bit fed up, you know? Fed up of the whining, constant demands, lack of personal space, the relentlessness of it all. I get a bit moody. I've felt much happier since going back to work part time, but still, I have these occassional days where it just all gets a bit much, and when that happens DH just gets angry with me. He says he finds it really stressful when I'm in a bad mood and he can't be around me. I just wish he would try to understand a bit more instead of basically making me feel like a crap mum. Can anyone else relate? I know that it's hard to be around someone in a bad mood, but the way he reacts just escalates things until we end up having a full blown row. I need to find a better way to handle my frustrations, any suggestions welcome.

[Keyansier]

I am a man and agree with everything you have said. I'm not a father (I'm gay, and certainly not looking to be a father either!) but since being on this site I think I understand and relate more to what mothers go through and deal with.

You don't sound like a crap mum at all to me. With the little one aside, you could also do festivals, nights out etc, IMO, he can look after the kids for half the time, they are half his doing after all, it was his sperm that made them.

[Keyansier]

If this site had a like button, i'd give your post a "like".

[Jadedbuthappy82]

Definitely not you, totally can relate to everything you have said, so much so that I had to leave my 'd'h in the end... Things were so unbalanced... But then he didn't work or ever try to community with the children anyway... Even in subsequent relationships with lovely men though I e found the same... Neighbors who are part time dad's, men have it so much easier... They do, it's not an opinion, that's just how it is. Defo not you x

[arethereanyleftatall]

Yeah, I can relate, I'm divorced now though. Funnily enough, my bad moods have totally disappeared along with my divorce. Ditto my 'anger'.

[Pixiedust1234]

its not you, some really don't understand. My father, fil and dh all used to leave the house and sit in the car when they were ready then wonder why the women and children took another 30 minutes. Nothing to do with finding shoes, tying laces, last wees or nappy change, getting a drinks bottle, closing all windows, checking everything is off,, locking doors etc etc. Oh no. Time to go! Pick up car keys, rev the car.

Same with my dh boasting every year how small his suitcase is compared to mine. I have everyone's towels, flannels, shampoo, soap, toothbrushes, hairdryer etc but yeah I "overpack" 🙄

[SproutsAtChristmas]

From reading your post, I'd say it sounds like your DH does a lot for the DCs and really tries to help (as he should!).

Perhaps assert yourself a bit more with your DCs so they give you some space as and when you need it. I don't mean in a different room or fully alone but if it's not the right time for you to play or read to them at that moment then teach them this and help them learn to not hang off you so much. When you are home with DCs set up some activities for them that they can do independently (train set? playdoh?) and plan in some chilled times like TV or reading books so it's not all high energy. You will feel a lot better and as a result your quality time with them will be better too as your mood will be improved.

It's totally normal for everything to feel overwhelming or frustrating on occasions though. I have grumpy days, especially if I've been up in the night or if the house is a tip.

Get some things in the calendar for you. Spa, cinema, night out with friends?

[Lunar270]

Get some things in the calendar for you. Spa, cinema, night out with friends?

Definitely this.

My wife never stopped going on holidays with her friends, seeing family abroad or going on weekends away.

Your husband sounds like he does more than many, so could cope with you being away for a week or so. Is there anything that's stopping you from having some 'you' time?

It'll help both of you as you'll get some well earned time out and he'll find out how hard it is to do 24h parenting on his own. I always enjoyed it but it is tough going for sure.

[K37529]

mine are the same age I completely
get this. My dp helps a lot too but I feel like if I don’t organise/do myself/ delegate nothing would get done so my mind is always just full of the stuff that needs to be done while he just seems to happily plod along lol. Mine act up far more with me and my youngest (also still breastfeeding) is glued to me, literally clings to me all day. He’s great for his dad when I’m at work but as soon as he sees my face he’s stuck to me. You don’t sound like a crap mum you sound overwhelmed and in need of a well deserved break ❤️

[RedHelenB]

But you've made the choice to carry on having the kids dependent on you. By 3 years old they don't have to be. I think you're being a bit of a martyr, if you want to go out on a night then go.

[Phoneboxes]

I agree, I’m not sure why though. I’m childfree so I’ve never been pregnant or raised a child and never will, so no personal experience whatsoever. However I do logically know what happens in pregnancy, childbirth, recovery and motherhood. So why have I worked, and currently work, with and am related to men who are fathers (sometimes many times over) who have no concept of what their wife or partner is or has been through in pregnancy and childbirth, no understanding of what she does to bring up their child(ren) etc.

Is it that they have no idea, or that they want to have no idea?

[FictionalCharacter]

@Pixiedust1234 Next time, don’t pack anything of his, then say what a shame he “underpacked”!

[Soproudoflionesses]

Yes l.agree op.
My breaking point is when they moan about what is for dinner.
Never wanted to cook every night for eternity..and the lacking thing - l take too much even though all he ever takes are shorts and tshirts
Completely doesn't get it

[Keyansier]

@Soproudoflionesses

Yes l.agree op.
My breaking point is when they moan about what is for dinner.
Never wanted to cook every night for eternity..and the lacking thing - l take too much even though all he ever takes are shorts and tshirts
Completely doesn't get it

Cook for yourself. Do not pack clothes for him. He is the one that will suffer if he only has shorts and T-shirts to wear. I'm personally not married but am astounded that some people look after other (non-vulnerable) adults in this way! (probably why I'm not married lol!)

[HikingBoots]

I'm another one who doesn't have kids piling in with my two-pence worth!
I just wanted to say that I saw this and then some amongst my friends and workmates during the lockdowns.
Of the DOZENS of parents I know, I can't name one couple where the dad took an active lead in homeschooling - despite many of the mums having demanding full time jobs.
It honestly makes me sick.

[Flowerytoe]

Stop being a martyr. Tell him how it is, break it down for him. Start encouraging a little more independence in the kids. Book some nights away for yourself and some regular childfree time each week. Otherwise you're on the road to burn out and/or a break up.

[KangarooKenny]

You mention the night wakings yet you’re still BFing. The little one will still cling if you smell of milk. That is a choice you make.

[lilaccottagegarden]

Mines good. But it’s the freedom. Mine is away with work Thursday. He only saw to mention this to me when I mentioned possibly doing something Thursday, because he doesn’t have to. I’m there. He can go for haircuts, drinks with mates whenever. I’ve been trying for three weeks to get an appointment to get my eyebrows done.

[notanothertakeaway]

@RedHelenB

But you've made the choice to carry on having the kids dependent on you. By 3 years old they don't have to be. I think you're being a bit of a martyr, if you want to go out on a night then go.

I rather agree with this

[mamabeeboo]

OP, is there something that you can do to make your life easier? Like put DC1 in nursery? Or use a baby sitter for a few hours?

When on mat leave with DC1, all I heard were horror stories about how hard it was.. But personally I didn't get it. I had loads of free time, batch cooked once a week for an hour, a baby who fed every 3 hours round the clock, I'd sleep when the baby slept which meant I actually was too rested thanks to my random naps in the day etc. I'd also be out with friends, hen parties, birthdays, bars, clubbing whilst DH would look after the baby.

I think you need some me time.

[lilaccottagegarden]

Nursery is not cheap, especially for two children.

[Shreik]

Really annoys me that you all talk about your husbands 'helping'

It's his fucking child too. He's not helping, are you helping him by breastfeeding or whatever. Stop this mindset and things can change

[dottiedodah]

Always gets me when they "help" it's their funking child too! Children will naturally be more demanding of the parent who is with them most of the time.i would be organising nights out with chums .or lunch whatever. He may not be so smug then!

[Stickmansmum]

OP I know what you mean. I don’t think you’re complaining about him as a father, just about how he perceives you and what you have to do. He assumes parenting is the same for you and him.

[Keha]

Some of what you say resonates with me e.g my DD has definitely had a long period of being clingier to me which has given me and DH different experiences of parenting. However there are quite a lot of things like not going out/away or having to organise everything which I think have quite a lot of choice about them, even with BF.

[NotAHouse]

Exactly OP.