Re the state of DD’s room? (Age 18)

[SwissCheeseToastie]

DD has had a long summer off since A levels and her room is worse than ever, although to be honest it’s been over a year since I helped her do a proper spring clean.

I have offered to help many times and do a proper clear out alone/ with her but that just seems to stress her out and she always says no.

I have done a bit of a tidy up/ superficial en suite bathroom clean, as a kindness when she was at college. I know that mess doesn’t help her mental health so that’s why I have tried to keep on top of it to a degree.

However, since the end of the summer term (and since she turned 18) I just feel more than ever that it’s not up to me to get involved in the way I have before.

And yet, the state of it does bother me. Examples are mould in due to damp towels being dumped on surfaces. Filthy shower tray. Lots of cobwebs. Wall to wall floordrobe with dirty/ clean clothes mixed up. Thick dust on nick nack covered surfaces. Cupboards and drawers bursting open.

AIBU to think that older teenagers shouldn’t expect their rooms to be cleaned for them? (DD doesn’t but then it just deteriorates more and more )

AIBU to think older teens should clean their rooms so that they are broadly inline with standard of cleanliness in the rest of the house as a whole (unless parents are clean freaks!)

If I’m not being U how can I articulate why it matters to me that her room is so grotty when I don’t have to spend time in it myself?

Any advice? (The rest of the house is fairly tidy and clean but cluttered in places. )

Maybe it’s my fault that it’s like this and I should’ve done more for her…

[VanCleefArpels]

If you were asked to articulate why it bothers you what would you say?

one of my adult kids is a slattern, no other word for it. But their room has a door that can be closed and is at the end of a landing so I don’t have to even glimpse it if I don’t want to. Yes they should keep things at least hygienic. But the clutter and mess is for them to look at and be bothered about. Or not.

[WhiskerPatrol]

She's 18. Ask her to clean up or move out.

[SwissCheeseToastie]

@VanCleefArpels I think that it bothers me as I see it as possibly linked to mental health (part of self care etc) but probably overreacting due to past history. And I know that they dislike the miss but just can’t deal with it.

And there are probably some thoughts sneaking in, if I’m honest, about thinking that the stuff they have should be treated with more respect/ care especially if I’ve gone to any effort myself (eg clean washing I’ve done for them ends up on the floor ). And sometimes embarrassment when her friends come.

[Flossiemoss]

I would help her clean up- it sounds bad enough that it may feel overwhelming for her and a health hazard. Bear in mind my version of help is standing there with a bin bag and instructing on the next task with threats of not carried out!

[SwissCheeseToastie]

@Flossiemoss its not a health hazard- the mould is confined to a bit on shower silicone and the wicker laundry bin. But you’re right, it is overwhelmingly for her.

[Theraffarian]

Personally I did the basic cleaning in my children’s rooms until they left home . So for me that was dusting, hoovering, cleaning windows, emptying bins etc , the same as any other room in the house. I also removed dirty clothes to the laundry box, took plates to the kitchen etc . but that was because I would rather do all the washing in one go rather than be given a pile when they cleaned up. I would also open and air the room and change bed sheets.

However I wouldn’t declutter, organise their things or move anything else.

In my view it benefited me to keep it clean , the tidying was up to them . It would have bothered me to have cobwebs multiplying and mould growing anywhere in my home.

[VanCleefArpels]

In that case it might be a kindness to offer to help her do a bit of a blitz (in good old MN “breezy” style 😉) in readiness for new term (assuming still in education?). If she’s going away to Uni then I’d wait and do it myself so it’s clean and fresh for holidays.

However if your offer falls on deaf ears then why not express your concerns to her?

[ChagSameachDoreen]

That's disgusting. She needs to respect the space she lives in.

[SnarkyBag]

Move her out of the room with the en-suite, that’s what I did with my 17 year old when it became clear they were going to always keep it in a disgusting state.

[10HailMarys]

@SwissCheeseToastie

@VanCleefArpels I think that it bothers me as I see it as possibly linked to mental health (part of self care etc) but probably overreacting due to past history. And I know that they dislike the miss but just can’t deal with it.

And there are probably some thoughts sneaking in, if I’m honest, about thinking that the stuff they have should be treated with more respect/ care especially if I’ve gone to any effort myself (eg clean washing I’ve done for them ends up on the floor ). And sometimes embarrassment when her friends come.

I didn't have any problems with self-care as a teenager but my room was a horrible festering tip. |I think you probably do need to have a word with her - she should be capable at her age of not letting things go mouldy, at the very least!

[SwissCheeseToastie]

@Theraffarian I always hoover her room if the floor is clear enough and empty the bins. But there are three en-suite bathrooms and if she wants to cover window ledges with a million crystals then I’m not going to dust them!! But perhaps I could’ve done more, on a more regular basis.

[surlycurly]

I spent 6 hrs gutting my 18 year olds room on Sunday. I literally threw out her bedding and pillows etc because they were so disgusting. She's just left to go to uni and I had to wash the floor 4 times. I was absolutely horrified but it was not going to happen if I was relying on her doing it. She's autistic and I could have told her all day every day to clean it and it would not have happened. My 15 year old is also disgusting. The rest of the house is immaculate so I'm beyond frustrated but I do have to accept that it's their space and they have to be the ones who have to have the desire to clean it. It's not easy though. I feel your pain.

[SwissCheeseToastie]

Thank you everyone. Lots of different views…Can I just add that the mould was under a pile of damp towels on a laundry basket (not in main room). All rooms are en-suite unfortunately. She’s having a year off before university. Self care is probably wrong word as she does wash etc

[TheLeadbetterLife]

When I was a teen my room alternated between festering tip and immaculate, according to my whim. My mum left me to it from about age 13/14 as I recall, including all my laundry and bed linen. If I didn't bring it down and add to the laundry pile, I had to do it myself.

I'm a neat freak now, so no harm done.

[SwissCheeseToastie]

@surlycurly my 20yo is also disgusting which is why I’m taking it personally!
@TheLeadbetterLife perhaps there us hope.
Only one person so far is implying that it’s on me , so that’s a relief!

[Manekinek0]

I decided long ago to pick my battles. All dishes have to be brought downstairs but apart from that I couldn't care. My room as a teenager was gross at times, she will grow out of it.

[IncessantNameChanger]

It's totally up to you and your own standards / ways. It's your house after all. My house, my rules?

With my eldest who is now 18 I have told him its his job now. He has and can wash and dry his clothes ( praise the Lord!) At last. He can remake his bed. At a push he might Hoover up.

But at the same time if he is out and it looks grotty I will go in, change the bed and hoover. But he is always grateful, I wouldn't do it if he was against me going into his room.

My very low standards are to never mix dirty and clean washing. Not let anything rot.

Find your line and then say as a minium she must do at least that. Like the floordrobe. You won't wash it until / unless she puts clean washing away and dirty bits in the laundry. Until then she washes it. That's not too much then. It's not overwhelming to just do that one task. Offer help if she will take it

[bigbluebus]

I've got one like this but they're 25 and have moved back home after Uni whilst saving up a deposit for a house.
It bothers me because we paid £8, 000 to have his bathroom refitted a year or so ago and he's ruining it by not cleaning it.
His bedroom bothers me less except when I needed an electrician to go in there to fit new lights at which point I had to step in and clear/clean otherwise the poor chap wouldn't have got a ladder in there. He has no interest in cleaning/tidying and offers of help to clear up as a joint effort are shunned. He does have an ASD diagnosis but I'm pretty sure it's mostly laziness that prevents him from cleaning up.

[TheTeenageYears]

Completely agree OP that it's on her. I have a DD the same age who does the same but gets to the point where she gets completely overwhelmed by the mess. She's off to uni and I really hope it doesn't become an issue. Completely get what you mean about clean and dirty clothes all mixed up and it all showing a distinct lack of respect for things. I try hard to not saying anything at all and just shut the door so I don't have to look at it.

[FarFromHome2]

It’s your house, you do have the right to require that she keeps it to a certain standard. Allowing mould to develop by leaving damp towels around is definitely not acceptable.

I can’t imagine that a general “please be more tidy” will work, so maybe you need to tell her some specifics that she has to do, such as;

All used towels go on the towel rail
All worn clothes go in the laundry basket
No cutlery or crockery left in the room
Bed clothes changed once per fortnight
Bathroom cleaned (properly) once per week.

[Rafferty10]

mine are 15 and 16 and it is their job to clean their rooms and bathrooms...if it gets too messy or a bit grubby l just tell them how lucky they are to have a room and bathroom to themselves, and to not be lazy and clean it NOW and l stand there until they get up and clean....its not really hard.
I wouldn't tolerate it in my home, l would tell her she is living in filth and it is not acceptable and to clean it (herself ) or find a flatshare.

[Aspiringmatriarch]

I know it sounds silly but keeping things clean and tidy is still something I struggle with in my thirties and I find it can be helpful if someone breaks it down for me (or I will do this myself if I'm the right mindset) - so smaller discrete tasks that she can achieve without getting bogged down. Sometimes the mess itself feels so overwhelming because there are things to donate, things I might wear again before washing, things to recycle, something else that needs fixing, paperwork, half used cosmetics that have been there for ages. It's lots of little decisions to make and I just get bogged down.

So for your daughter maybe start with an initial list like:

1. Get rid of any rubbish/empty packets
2. Bring dirty dishes down
3. Separate dirty clothes and put them in the laundry basket.

I definitely think it needs addressing, not just from a respect point of view but as a life skill and recognising that it requires developing that mindset of starting with one specific thing, and then once it's less of a mess, being able to hone in on the basics and do those consistently. If you have time to just be on hand rather than doing it for her, it might help her stay on track.

[forrestgreen]

Does she have friends round, I've found an invite often induces cleaning.

Ask her if she's happy with the way it is. My youngest has autism and honestly couldn't park out how to keep things tidy, she was much younger. My eldest seriously cba tidying. So different approaches were needed.

If she's happy then I guess impose your own basic level that she must adhere too, dirty washing in her own hamper, when full she can wash it. Wet towels need hanging out to dry. No dirty plates/cups left in room.

If she can't manage those I'd turn the wifi off for a day... etc

It's fine to want to be treated like an adult and be independent but then you also have to act like an adult!

[ScottishBeth]

I was very messy as a teenager and it got worse and worse through my early 20s. For me it was linked with very low self esteem and poor mental health. My mum absoluteky despaired, she offered to tidy and clean up with me, but I had so much shame around it I couldn't do it.

In the end I began to deal with it (slowly) when I began having problems with mice in the room (but not in the rest of the house). Natural consequences in action but even when the mice started it probably took months. Also I'd been having therapy as well which helped.

I hope this doesn't upset you, it took a long time to get that bad (and it happened because I left pizza crusts and things around). But I am now just normally messy, a bit of clutter, and reasonably clean. So it doesn't mean she's destined to a life of this.

You mentioned mental health so that's why I have said this, but I would try to support her with that in her whole life.

[SwissCheeseToastie]

@Aspiringmatriarch your post resonated. She was being assessed for ADHD and can be very all or nothing with organisation
@FarFromHome2 i have said this so many times and lost my patience about it but it doesn’t change anything. This thread was to figure out if I’m being unreasonable in my expectations.

She’s also very avoidant if something is a source of stress so I think we need to fix a date to tackle it and break it down as @Aspiringmatriarch . She can be anxious/ hoarderish when doing a clear out too…

I think we need a big team effort to get back to ‘zero’ and start with some new ground rules for basic standards as someone else said up thread.