Told future SIL our wedding date, she wants it moved.

[GammaLupin]

I got engaged to my partner in 2020, all was great. We decided there was no point trying to get married in 21 because of pandemic problems, so we announced, mid 2021, to our families that we'd get married in [month- sorry I'm being vague, I'm scared she'll find this)] of 2022.

Everyone seemed fine with this, so we went ahead and started making arrangements for our chosen date.

Our date is ideal because it's a week before school holidays, so we can take our honeymoon during the school holiday week, and we have two young kids who would otherwise need to be at school during this time, so it all works in perfectly.

Partner and I made it clear to both families that our chosen date was going ahead- this was back in November of 2021.
Again, nobody objected.

I have two future SILs.
SIL 1 lives in the UK, runs her own business, and although she's there pretty much 24/7, she's fine to close for the wedding day.

SIL 2 lives abroad. She has two older teenage children and a husband. Both adults work regularly, both kids are at school.

A few days back, I messaged the family group chat to excitedly talk about how much progress has been made for our chosen date.
SIL 2 then writes and deletes a message, then writes another very passive aggressive one.
Basically, the school holidays for them have now changed, so our date is no longer convenient.
Her attitude was that we should change it.
She made a big thing of how they'd probably not manage to get over for that weekend because they'd have to ask for a day off school.

I'd like to say that these kids are really smart. One day missed would not damage their education. She's told us all about their glowing reports, and all the extracurricular activities they exceed at.

My fiancé was really upset by her message. He hasn't messaged her at all, since.
After a night of processing what she'd said, I found a polite way of saying that it'd be nice if their family could make it over, but we understood if they couldn't, and we could always Zoom video call the wedding.

I've tried to keep things civil and open as possible, I always try to look for diplomatic solutions, but now SIL 2 is ignoring my messages, and just responding to other family members in the group.

My fiancé doesn't want to change the date, and neither do I.
I'm not sure how to fix the rift that it feels like is forming.

Worse still, SIL 2 and family are visiting the UK this week, and we're supposed to be meeting up tomorrow for a bit. And then my fiancé, alone, is due to attend a dinner with them. (I'd suggested this quite some time before the rift, as I felt it would be nice for him to have some alone time with his relatives, and I'd stay home with the kids.)

I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone, and while I know he feels strongly about not changing it, I worry how this will effect his mental health.

What can I do? What should I do? AIBU not to change my wedding date?

[MimiSunshine]

Just go along to any family meet ups and front it out, be nice, pleasant and interested in SIL and her family etc. Basically kill with kindness.

you can’t possibly change the date now. It’s set and if her availability has changed then that is her issue to sort.
but don’t go apologising, you’ve done nothing wrong. Also don’t offer her solutions. She knows her options so if she brings it up, saying she doesn’t think they can come if the date doesn’t change, just reply that’s a real shame, we’ll of course miss you’ then change the subject.

so just ignore her strop and continue as you normally would.

[AdriftAbroad1]

@HRTQuestions

You wouldn't be fined for missing 1 day of school. It would just be marked as unauthorised absence.
her SIL lives abroad. They absolutely could be fined for taking their DC out of school for a day. Depends on the laws of the country, not the UK.

I don't think you've done anything wrong and I wouldn't be changing the date either.

I agree with above. I live in Spain, end of term exams are hugely important and if missed result in an automatic repeat of year (14 yr old DD) and are in June as schools break up mid June. I don[t think fines ar relevant, the whole education of the DC and her social life would be affected henceforth.

You should not change your dates though!

However, you should stick to your plans.

[FuzzySock]

If they are married themselves then they should understand the amount of planning and preparation that goes into a wedding (depending on how far you go with it, obviously). It’s not that easy to just change everything at the drop of a hat, your suppliers may not all be available on a new date, especially as it’s this year as well? It’s different if you both want to change it because you feel strongly about having everyone there, but seeing as you don’t, I don’t really see it as open for discussion. It’s your day and speaking as someone who got married during covid, we had a lot of people that should have been there but couldn’t, and it’s just one of those things that you have to get on with. You can’t delay your life for anyone else’s schedule/holidays!

[JurasicPerks]

BiL got married abroad (in the country he lived in, which wasn't where we lived, or where they were born) in term time. DH went alone, and I stayed at home with the kids.

There is no way we'd have asked for the dates to move. SiL is unreasonable.

[aSofaNearYou]

Of course YANBU but even before the last part of your post I was thinking your DP should have been the one to send the diplomatic message, not you. She's his sister and his responsibility, and now she's turned you into the scapegoat, which often happens with non family members. He should have shielded you from that.

Combining that with what you've later said about him being coerced into it and his mental health being impacted, he sounds really weak willed. Unless he has some sort of ongoing severe mental health issue?

[lanthanum]

I don't think you should change the date. However, if the timing is such that they could make it for a 2pm wedding but not for a 12 noon one, you might look at whether such an adjustment would be helpful. That sort of change might be relatively easily managed, depending on where you are getting married/having the reception.

[AlternativePerspective]

I wouldn’t change the date, and if my partner put his wishes over mine I’d rethink the wedding altogether.

[cornflakedreams]

Affect his mental health how? You mean experience normal difficult emotions? Or develop a mental illness?

[Pipsquiggle]

You've kept them informed all along the way about when you were thinking of getting married - everyone agreed
You've booked the date and the venue - everyone agreed
Now something in their dairy has changed, which you have absolutely no control over, and they expect you to change the date and scupper not only your plans but also of all your other guests - of course this is lunacy.

You and your OH need to be rock solid on this. Do not capitulate.
I am guessing you would be completely out of pocket if you changed the date. How much would you lose? Tell her. Ask her if she is willing to pay and how to communicate to all the other guests.

[Aquamarine1029]

Rift? Affecting his mental health? Good grief, so much drama over your SIL having and absurd tantrum. Why you're giving this any headspace is beyond me. Of course you're not going to change your bloody date to accommodate her ridiculous demands.

Don't even think of pandering to her.

[TeenPlusCat]

The obvious solution is SIL comes on her own if they don't want to take the kids out of school.

[RosstopherGeller]

@MissusMaisel

I only know of the UK that has such a bizarre practice. NEver heard of it anywhere in Europe, in most places it would be laughable.

I think Germany is very strict on this

[SarahSissions]

I think you are unreasonable for suggesting that she can just take her kids out of school- they are doing well because she takes education seriously. They can’t go, that’s it. Why don’t you just take the lead and say it’s a real shame that you can’t come, but we’d like to all get together for an afternoon tea (or something similarly silly and celebratory) to celebrate the wedding and family x-date after the wedding.

[crispsandwichlife]

Sounds like a good thing she won’t be there to be honest

but also this is your dh’s problem not yours

[ShammyJammy]

Of course you don't change your wedding date! So it's not ok for DC to miss school, but it would be for yours when you're on your honeymoon?

Just reiterate how much you'd like them to be there but you understand if they can't make it.

[Hillarious]

Took my kids out of school for two weeks a few years ago to go to the wedding of a friend in the US. She planned the date of her wedding taking into account our availability. She squeezed it in between the Year 6 residential and end of year play. We were lucky she could do this. She had the choice of three dates, and picked the one we could do. Had we not been able to make any of those three dates, we wouldn't have insisted on her finding another (and we did have the worry anyway of paying for five of us to fly to the US).

If the "save the date" notification didn't trigger any problems, it's a bit late now to be changing dates, as many others will have either saved the date or accepted they wouldn't be able to attend.

[MadameDragon]

In that situation, if I wasn’t a single parent, I would travel alone to my brother’s wedding. Just because her children can’t go doesn’t mean that she can’t.

[MissusMaisel]

@HRTQuestions

You wouldn't be fined for missing 1 day of school. It would just be marked as unauthorised absence.
her SIL lives abroad. They absolutely could be fined for taking their DC out of school for a day. Depends on the laws of the country, not the UK.

I don't think you've done anything wrong and I wouldn't be changing the date either.

I only know of the UK that has such a bizarre practice. NEver heard of it anywhere in Europe, in most places it would be laughable.

[ShandaLear]

Your SIL is making it all about her. It’s not. It’s your day and she knows this. If she can’t make it that’s her choice but if you’ve already sent out Save The Dates then other guests will have booked time off and made travel/hotel arrangements. She can always come alone or find childcare so her DH can come too if the thought of her children missing a day of school for their uncle’s wedding is too much to bear.

[DifficultBloodyWoman]

Your DH needs to deal with it.

but tell him to say ‘well, sis, we chose that date because it worked for everyone at the time and it meant we could actually afford to go on honeymoon. It would be very difficult to change it now, what with contracts having been signed and deposits paid. But I suppose maybe we could try? Hey, would you be will to give us a cash wedding present of £££ so we could afford the honeymoon in school holidays?!?!’

ok, maybe not. But run it past him anyway to highlight how unreasonable SIL is being.

[maddy68]

I'm not sure it was passive aggressive. She was just stating that the kids holiday dates are now different
I think you're reading this the wrong way

[AnneLovesGilbert]

She's obviously being very unreasonable.

But your last paragraph is extremely odd. Don't marry someone you think is more likely to want to inconvenience his partner than his batty sister. Coerce is madly out of proportion. Why on earth would he be bullied by one member of his family to change something that affects many other people just because he doesn't have you there to give him a backbone?

[HRTQuestions]

You wouldn't be fined for missing 1 day of school. It would just be marked as unauthorised absence.
her SIL lives abroad. They absolutely could be fined for taking their DC out of school for a day. Depends on the laws of the country, not the UK.

I don't think you've done anything wrong and I wouldn't be changing the date either.

[ifonly4]

Date suits you for understandable reasons, ie your DC. I really wouldn't consider changing it. SIL2 knew planned month, so when she knew school holiday date, she should have at least contacted you, not left it until you've got your date.

[TheNoodlesIncident]

YANBU, I'm sure you won't be able to change the date whether your fiancé's sister wants to or not, since you will have paid deposits for your bookings, won't you?

She is being very unreasonable because your dates have been known for a while. It's not your fault that it is now inconvenient for your SIL-to-be. It's unfortunate but the only recourse is to look for a manageable way round and if it can't be done, they'll just have to send their regrets.

It's just the way it goes.