Told future SIL our wedding date, she wants it moved.

[GammaLupin]

I got engaged to my partner in 2020, all was great. We decided there was no point trying to get married in 21 because of pandemic problems, so we announced, mid 2021, to our families that we'd get married in [month- sorry I'm being vague, I'm scared she'll find this)] of 2022.

Everyone seemed fine with this, so we went ahead and started making arrangements for our chosen date.

Our date is ideal because it's a week before school holidays, so we can take our honeymoon during the school holiday week, and we have two young kids who would otherwise need to be at school during this time, so it all works in perfectly.

Partner and I made it clear to both families that our chosen date was going ahead- this was back in November of 2021.
Again, nobody objected.

I have two future SILs.
SIL 1 lives in the UK, runs her own business, and although she's there pretty much 24/7, she's fine to close for the wedding day.

SIL 2 lives abroad. She has two older teenage children and a husband. Both adults work regularly, both kids are at school.

A few days back, I messaged the family group chat to excitedly talk about how much progress has been made for our chosen date.
SIL 2 then writes and deletes a message, then writes another very passive aggressive one.
Basically, the school holidays for them have now changed, so our date is no longer convenient.
Her attitude was that we should change it.
She made a big thing of how they'd probably not manage to get over for that weekend because they'd have to ask for a day off school.

I'd like to say that these kids are really smart. One day missed would not damage their education. She's told us all about their glowing reports, and all the extracurricular activities they exceed at.

My fiancé was really upset by her message. He hasn't messaged her at all, since.
After a night of processing what she'd said, I found a polite way of saying that it'd be nice if their family could make it over, but we understood if they couldn't, and we could always Zoom video call the wedding.

I've tried to keep things civil and open as possible, I always try to look for diplomatic solutions, but now SIL 2 is ignoring my messages, and just responding to other family members in the group.

My fiancé doesn't want to change the date, and neither do I.
I'm not sure how to fix the rift that it feels like is forming.

Worse still, SIL 2 and family are visiting the UK this week, and we're supposed to be meeting up tomorrow for a bit. And then my fiancé, alone, is due to attend a dinner with them. (I'd suggested this quite some time before the rift, as I felt it would be nice for him to have some alone time with his relatives, and I'd stay home with the kids.)

I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone, and while I know he feels strongly about not changing it, I worry how this will effect his mental health.

What can I do? What should I do? AIBU not to change my wedding date?

[timeisnotaline]

I wouldn’t dream of changing it. If she doesn’t go then she will be the one who refused to go to a family wedding - you will just be the woman who turned up to her own wedding and had a fabulous time, no skin off your nose! Remind your dh before going out this week that there are two people needed at that altar to make it a wedding and you will be there on the date you have booked and you aren’t interested in turning up on any other dates .

[Seaweed42]

Your fiance should be dealing with this crap from his sister not you. It baffles me how often women get annoyed with another woman, while the man skillfully gets to stay stepped away and avoid any conflict. And he doesn't get blamed either because men's feelings have to be minded.
Why are you worried about your fiance's mental health instead of saying to him 'listen, can you pick up the phone and talk that through with her'.
So hand it back to him. Does your fiance have severe mental health problems that affect the family?

[Horst]

Yanbu to not change the date yabu for all the drama around it. She asked you said no. Although her brother should of been the one too. Your thinking she’s deliberately not talking to you now in the group chat maybe she just doesn’t have anything relevant to you posting.

also I wouldn’t take my children out of school for a wedding. Only time my children are off school is if they are sick not for holidays or weddings or funerals.

[Ponderingwindow]

Depending on which country she is in, those school days in July may be exam days. You can’t miss those for a trip. Am unexcused absence during the end of year exam period means failing the entire year and having to repeat it.

[RedToothBrush]

@ShirleyPhallus

I’d let your husband deal with it, it’s his sister

This.

And if he decides to pick his sister over you, then he's opening up a world of problems...

He just needs to deal with it.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I voted YABU but only because of all this drama.

You said no, you meant no, don't entertain nonsense. Simple assertiveness shouldn't adversely affect MH. I find people who get very worried or dramatic about boundaries have poor ones and create many more issues for themselves than those who are just sure and calm from the beginning. No excuses or reasons, just a firm no.

[sillysmiles]

She cannot take her teenagers out of school, YABU for even suggesting that.

Not really. Here (Ireland) that wouldn't even raise an eyebrow. I'm pretty sure my brother's wedding was during term time abroad, all nieces and nephews attended and there were no issues.

[Ponderingwindow]

The negative reaction is a bit over the top. You made sure the date worked originally which was appropriate. The school calendar changed and now SiL and her family will have problems attending. Can people not understand they are disappointed by that? She wants to be at her brothers wedding. The reality is that moving the wedding just isn’t practical. Venues and vendors are booked. Deposits are in place. Other people have already made travel plans and asked for time off work. Sil probably wasn’t thinking about all of that when she got the calendar change. All she thought about was not being able to be there to see her brother get married.

Responding to your SIL with a bit of understanding would have gone a long way. Your fiancé should probably do that during the visit, though really the sooner the conversation happens the better. Explain the practicalities and let her know he wants her there and he hopes she can work something out, but he understands it’s a difficult problem to solve. There may be something he can do to help, but it is unlikely. The only thing I can really think of is flights chosen to minimize missed school time and perhaps needing help with that expense if those cost more.

[curlyLJ]

Its one day. Of course she could take her kids out of school.
Sometimes you have to put things into perspective - a family wedding is important to kids and missing one day's education is not going to ruin their lives!
The government closed schools for months on end during the pandemic. One day is nothing, her child could just be off sick or something.

I say this as someone who is taking my kids out of school (for more than 1 day) to attend a wedding abroad. After the last 2 years we've had, it's my belief that being away for a special event for the whole family is just as important as their schooling. They will have memories that will last forever.

[Calphurnia88]

Family confirmed no issues with chosen date five months ago, you've planned accordingly, and presumably will lose out financially by moving the date, and the wedding/honeymoon you wanted, including other guests being able to attend.

SIL is being ridiculously selfish to think you would rearrange your wedding to accommodate her at this stage, or at any stage to be honest.

This suggested response from PP should suffice, and shouldn't be entertained any further:

"So sorry, we can't change the date at this late stage, too many other arrangements have already been made and paid for."

[diddl]

Is it really likely that school holidays have changed?

Even if so, older teens could surely get themselves to & from school & fend for themselves after school until dad gets in?

So SIL could come alone as childcare isn't an issue.

If your OH does pressured-couldn't he just say that you would look into changing & then follow up that it wasn't possible?

[Quartz2208]

What has actually been said by his sister.

Because unless there is a massive backstory or a fairly awful message from her I cant quite work out what your fiancé reacted so badly and hasnt contacted her.

And the fact is she may be waiting for him to do so.

So did she actually come straight out and ask or did she simply say she couldnt come

[sillysmiles]

My fiancé was really upset by her message. He hasn't messaged her at all, since.

This is your problem here. He needs to pick up the phone and ring her and ask her what she's thinking - of course you can't change the date at this stage, things are booked.
But his sister - leave it to him to engage.

[InstaHun88]

She cannot take her teenagers out of school, YABU for even suggesting that.

She is your fiancé's sister, not yours, and he should have communicated it. Don't take these things upon yourself because you will also take all the blame and you will regret it in years to come. Take this from someone who made similar mistakes, you will end up being blamed for everything- and it may not bother you so much now, but it will really grate in years to come.

And tbh, YABU for organising your wedding in term time when you know you have children in the family. Your wedding, your choice, but your choice has caused your SIL to not be able to come which was always going to cause upset and bad feelings. So you need to deal with that. I would have had more sympathy if you hadn't suggested she take teenagers out of school.

[Drinkingallthewine]

I'm planning a wedding this year - and it's the busiest year ever for weddings because lots of the 2020 and 2021 put off theirs and you've got a lot of co-habitiees who also got a reality kick about their precarious non-legal status with regard to each other in the midst of a deadly virus.

So even if you wanted to change your date, it's highly likely that you can't. In fact to ward off any future accusations, I'd recommend that you briefly look into it, conclude the same after speaking to a few suppliers then go back on the family chat and say "we looked into moving the date but everything is booked up now and we, can't move the date now, soz". That way you can't be accused then of being immovable because you did 'try'.

You will not please everyone. I've planned the most laid back, low key small wedding ever and you would be surprised at the amount of drama some family have managed to wring from non-issues. And not everyone can make it to mine either. But they aren't dicks and understand that the whole world does not revolve around them.

[ImTheFuckOffCar]

Also don’t understand the comment about him being ‘coerced’ into changing the date. He doesn’t want to change it, you don’t want to change it. She can come alone if she can’t bring the children. Or chose not to. Her decision.

[Rosey22]

This is the issue with midweek weddings and it’s the chance you take when you don’t get married on a Saturday or Sunday.

[Luculentus]

@dammit88

Im going a bit against the grain here. If you vaguely said the wedding was 'July' for example knowing the kids were school age and the need to travel, I would have thought you would defiantly arrange for the wedding to be in the school holidays if that was the only way very close family could attend. it sounds as though the wedding is actually before the school holidays though - just the honeymoon will fit in them. And I can see why they would be a bit upset about that. But agree that doesn't mean you have to change it even if you were able to at this point.

OP says she gave them the exact date last November, not something vague.

SIL lives abroad, so not on the same term dates as the UK, and the only reason this has become a problem for her is that school holiday dates have changed. No reason for her to be upset at OP.

[dammit88]

Im going a bit against the grain here. If you vaguely said the wedding was 'July' for example knowing the kids were school age and the need to travel, I would have thought you would defiantly arrange for the wedding to be in the school holidays if that was the only way very close family could attend. it sounds as though the wedding is actually before the school holidays though - just the honeymoon will fit in them. And I can see why they would be a bit upset about that. But agree that doesn't mean you have to change it even if you were able to at this point.

[chisanunian]

"So sorry, we can't change the date at this late stage, too many other arrangements have already been made and paid for."

That should do it.

[InkyPinkyParlez]

This is DP's job. He needs to be calm and measured, and resist rising to her energy level. Of course you'll miss them, how very unlucky that the school dates changed.

She's over-reacting, but people do sometimes, often when they have something much bigger, and less about you, going on in the background.

[Strugglingtodomybest]

What can I do? What should I do? AIBU not to change my wedding date?

Nothing. Nothing. No, YANBU.

This stuck out for me from your OP:

My fiancé was really upset by her message. He hasn't messaged her at all, since.
After a night of processing what she'd said, I found a polite way of saying that it'd be nice if their family could make it over, but we understood if they couldn't, and we could always Zoom video call the wedding.

I've tried to keep things civil and open as possible, I always try to look for diplomatic solutions, but now SIL 2 is ignoring my messages, and just responding to other family members in the group.

My fiancé doesn't want to change the date, and neither do I.
I'm not sure how to fix the rift that it feels like is forming.

I'm interested in why you think that this is your problem to solve, because, and I mean this kindly, it really isn't. Your DH hasn't replied to his sister, but you have. You are getting too involved in their relationship. Let your DH deal with this and stop worrying about it. I'm assuming that since SIL lives abroad they don't see much of each other, so if they do fall out about this, it won't have much of an affect on you will it?

I realise that this makes me sound quite cold, but believe me when I say, I have been where you are now and I have learnt the hard way.

[TheSillyMastiff]

Just lie to her, say on reflection you called the venue to try and change but deposits had already been paid and they were non-refundable, and the venue due to pandemic back log also couldn't find a suitable date in 2022.

Problem solved, pass the blame on to the venue 😂

[Sally872]

If your fiance is likely to feel pressured or change is mind the polite lie is "we have inquired about moving it but no other dares available. We would lose our deposits and other family have booked AL based on save the date cards." (tbh that is probably true about venue.)

[Ohmybod]

Surely you just say that you can’t change the dates as you have paid deposits that you stand to lose, and that many other people coming have already made their travel and hotel arrangements…this was the reason you told everyone as early as you could back in Nov.

You are not being remotely unreasonable not changing the date. But perhaps have faith in your DH and let him take this up with her. Is she is older sister? Does she have form for dominating or coercing him? If not, let him deal with his family.