Told future SIL our wedding date, she wants it moved.

[GammaLupin]

I got engaged to my partner in 2020, all was great. We decided there was no point trying to get married in 21 because of pandemic problems, so we announced, mid 2021, to our families that we'd get married in [month- sorry I'm being vague, I'm scared she'll find this)] of 2022.

Everyone seemed fine with this, so we went ahead and started making arrangements for our chosen date.

Our date is ideal because it's a week before school holidays, so we can take our honeymoon during the school holiday week, and we have two young kids who would otherwise need to be at school during this time, so it all works in perfectly.

Partner and I made it clear to both families that our chosen date was going ahead- this was back in November of 2021.
Again, nobody objected.

I have two future SILs.
SIL 1 lives in the UK, runs her own business, and although she's there pretty much 24/7, she's fine to close for the wedding day.

SIL 2 lives abroad. She has two older teenage children and a husband. Both adults work regularly, both kids are at school.

A few days back, I messaged the family group chat to excitedly talk about how much progress has been made for our chosen date.
SIL 2 then writes and deletes a message, then writes another very passive aggressive one.
Basically, the school holidays for them have now changed, so our date is no longer convenient.
Her attitude was that we should change it.
She made a big thing of how they'd probably not manage to get over for that weekend because they'd have to ask for a day off school.

I'd like to say that these kids are really smart. One day missed would not damage their education. She's told us all about their glowing reports, and all the extracurricular activities they exceed at.

My fiancé was really upset by her message. He hasn't messaged her at all, since.
After a night of processing what she'd said, I found a polite way of saying that it'd be nice if their family could make it over, but we understood if they couldn't, and we could always Zoom video call the wedding.

I've tried to keep things civil and open as possible, I always try to look for diplomatic solutions, but now SIL 2 is ignoring my messages, and just responding to other family members in the group.

My fiancé doesn't want to change the date, and neither do I.
I'm not sure how to fix the rift that it feels like is forming.

Worse still, SIL 2 and family are visiting the UK this week, and we're supposed to be meeting up tomorrow for a bit. And then my fiancé, alone, is due to attend a dinner with them. (I'd suggested this quite some time before the rift, as I felt it would be nice for him to have some alone time with his relatives, and I'd stay home with the kids.)

I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone, and while I know he feels strongly about not changing it, I worry how this will effect his mental health.

What can I do? What should I do? AIBU not to change my wedding date?

[BungleandGeorge]

And I agree that this doesn’t say you need to change the date or that they’re not coming “She made a big thing of how they'd probably not manage to get over for that weekend because they'd have to ask for a day off school.”
and why is your fiancé ignoring her?

[BungleandGeorge]

Your fiancé is unreasonable to be annoyed that she won’t take the children out of school. Not all schools are ok with that and it shouldn’t be expected. I didn’t quite understand the dates business- you get married a week before school holidays? So they go back to school for a week and then you head off on holiday? I think if you have a wedding in term time you possibly have to accept that family from abroad won’t be able to come. They’d be flying Friday night or Saturday morning to get there in time then going back Sunday? I think it’s fine to choose whatever date you like but I also think your fiancé needs to accept that relatives from abroad are not necessarily all going to be able to make it

[FacebookPhotos]

It is impossible to tell who is being unreasonable because you haven't actually posted what she wrote in the message. There is a big difference between "we can't make it on that day because the children have to be in school", "any chance you could move the date because we can't make that one" and "you need to move the date so we can attend". (first one is fine, second one is cheeky and the last one is completely unreasonable.)

Unless they already have a poor relationship I think it is pretty bad that your fiancé didn't reply his sister tbh. Even just "we can't change the date, its such a shame you can't make it".

[Anonymous48]

"I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone, and while I know he feels strongly about not changing it, I worry how this will effect his mental health."

This is the part that stands out to me? Why do you feel this way? Is your fiancé really that weak?

[ArrrMeHearties]

My ds missed 2 days of school for a family wedding and the school were totally fine with it because I'd let them know not just taken him out

[Angiemum24]

Sil 2 is a flake. Tell her ok well don't attend, simple!

[Itloggedmeoutagain]

@InstaHun88

She cannot take her teenagers out of school, YABU for even suggesting that.

She is your fiancé's sister, not yours, and he should have communicated it. Don't take these things upon yourself because you will also take all the blame and you will regret it in years to come. Take this from someone who made similar mistakes, you will end up being blamed for everything- and it may not bother you so much now, but it will really grate in years to come.

And tbh, YABU for organising your wedding in term time when you know you have children in the family. Your wedding, your choice, but your choice has caused your SIL to not be able to come which was always going to cause upset and bad feelings. So you need to deal with that. I would have had more sympathy if you hadn't suggested she take teenagers out of school.

She gave the date and they agreed!
It's only now they want it changing

[catandcoffee]

Do not change your Wedding date. She sounds like a spoilt child.

[FairyCakeWings]

I’m usually someone who never agrees to children being out of school if they are healthy, but if the school really has changed their dates then it’s on them if children miss school.

From the way the sil has sent the message, I don’t think I’d believe that the school just changed their dates. In that situation you’d be pissed off with the school, apologising to the bride and groom as soon as you knew it was a problem, or you’d take them out of school anyway. You wouldn’t wait for message about the wedding and then mention that it’s not convenient and expect the date to change.

She either got the dates wrong and is frustrated with herself about it, or there’s some other reason why she doesn’t want to come that weekend, or at all.

[rookiemere]

It seems like a huge drama about something so small.

Her DCs really wouldn't miss that much from one day of school, but that is her decision to make so I wouldn't go down that route again.

You can't reschedule because everything is already arranged for that date and it works for everyone else. It's a real shame that school dates have changed but unfortunately that's just life sometimes.

I'm not sure why your fiancé is getting so upset about it, it's clear she's being unreasonable.

[iklboo]

Send her a bridge so she can get over herself.

[SillySallySassySausage]

What a shame such an awkward, passive aggressive troublemaker can't attend your wedding …

[Knifer]

Ugh. My husband and I married 7 years ago and his brother and wife still haven't spoken to us because we wouldn't change our wedding date to suit their travel plans. The day we chose was really important to us and they felt we should sacrifice that so they didn't have the inconvenience of rescheduling their flights (spent half year in U.K., half year in China) by one week. Flights they booked AFTER we booked our venue. After they tried to convince us to hold it midsummer as that felt "more wedding like" to them instead of the autumn wedding we had.

Basically, I feel if someone is going to be an arse about someone else's wedding, they'll determinedly be one no matter what and can piss right off. But the rift and the issues his damn brother has tried to cause are still bothering us now. DH says the rift would have been bigger if we had capitulated because he would have had his way and we would have been resentful at our wedding being planned to suit the most entitled couple I've ever met.

[Quartz2208]

I am not sure she is being guestzilla - it is hard to know because a lot of it is about how OP and her fiance reacted rather than actually what the SIL said

Which seems to just be one message

@GammaLupin what has your SIL actually said, in one or more message? BEcause I think it is a possible a rift will form because of you thinking one is (self fulfilling prophecy) and your fiance inability to actually face up to this and speak to her

[Blarting]

She's being guestzilla!

[Frazzled2207]

i'd put money on her having got her school hols dates wrong in the first place. As pp said, everywhere I've ever worked (including 3 foreign countries) always has this stuff set in stone at least 2 years in advance.

Anyway do NOT change the date. Presumably if you did that mucks up your honeymoon plans and there will be guaranteed someone else that then can't come.

DH is just going to have to deal with it. I wouldn't worry about him being 'coerced' to change it, unless he is a total lightweight.

[Abuildingwith4wallsandtmrinsid]

Sil can attend on her own, problem solved

[Georgesgrumpymedicine]

I wouldn't take my kids out if school for anything except a funeral for close family. And I never once missed a day of school except when I was ill.

I know different families have different opinions but I don't think she's being selfish.

[LightEveningsAreBack]

Gosh you don't change your wedding date for your sil, maybe if the groom can't make it or your own children but you'd never find a date to suit everyone. You inform people when the wedding is, if they cant make the date and dont want to change their own plans, well that's on them. If they can't make it your reply should be "oh well that's a shame, would have been nice if you could have celebrated with us".

My sil had a trip to Australia with her husband booked that clashed with our wedding, her husband was presenting at a conference and they were turning it into a holiday. My sil said they were away, but she decided to change her flight to attend our wedding, her husband attended his work conference, she went out a few days late. She didn't expect us to move our wedding (and never suggested it!), if she had I'd have laughed. She's a pain in the arse too, even she wasn't so entitled to think we'd move our wedding for her.

[WouldBeGood]

YANBU. If you changed it anyway, what if someone else then couldn’t come?

She’s actually being very rude.

[Booklover3]

Just say no

[Fupoffyagrasshole]

so she just can't come then! its not that big of a deal!

My sisters wedding is on a week day - my husband really can't get the time off - So he is gonna stay home with our baby and drop her at Nursery that day and i'm going alone!! It's a bit crap - but what can you do

She can come alone or not come if she really can't take the kids out of school

[impossible]

Can you change your wedding date to a day that would still work for everyone concerned and at no extra cost? Surely that's the question. If no then to there's no discussion to be had.

Message SIL something like... I'm afraid we can't change our wedding date for x reasons. We will be sorry to miss you and hope you might feel able to take DCs out if school for a day as we'd love to see you there.

Good luck.

[Rondvassbu]

The wedding can't be changed at short notice.
If she's unable to come that's a shame but nothing anyone can do about it.

[Triffid1]

I can't help thinking there must be more to this because otherwise she's just being SOOOO unreasonable. Is your wedding just the registrar's office followed by a nice dinner for 12 people in a fancy restaurant and therefore, theoretically, easily changed? Because surely there isn't a single person on the planet who doesn't understand that changing the date of a wedding at short notice is actually quite difficult, complicated and, potentially, expensive!?