To be really disappointed by my mum

[TexasTyson]

Name changed as my sister knows I'm on here.

This will be long, sorry.

I'm 35, no kids yet, not by choice. Been with DP 2 years, we want kids but we can't until I've finished a course for work next August. My sister is 30 with a 4year old girl and a 6month old boy plus a fiance. I live alone but moving in with DP soon and my sister ans family live with my mum while they sort a mortgage.

I've known for a long time my sister is my Mum's favourite. Not in a malicious way at all, I'm not the scapegoat or anything and we are a very close family, and I often make a joke of it. Mum denies it but me and my sister know its true and she knows it hurts me a bit. To clarify, I love my sister. I speak to her every day and its not her fault.

However. While it used to be silly little things like my mums Ipad code being my sister's birthday, I feel like it's been more pronounced since my niece came along and since they moved in with my mum- I totally get that this is natural, my mum adores her grandkids and my sister for providing them and obviously they all live together, but I do sometimes feel a bit left out. I'm there a lot, I live 5 mins away and I (and my mum) do a lot of childcare for the kids while sister and BIL are at work, and I enjoy it, but still do feel a bit of a pang of loneliness when I leave. Plus I do have this nagging feeling that everything is geared towards my sister and her family and that I'm just expected to go along with it.

So. Yesterday my mum and I planned a shopping trip followed by late lunch and a few drinks. We've done this lots in the past and its usually a lovely, leisurely afternoon of wine and chat, getting home at 7ish. I was really looking forward to it as I've not spent time with just my mum for ages. On Monday my mum casually dropped into conversation that she needs to be home by 5.30 as she's agreed to have my Nephew while my sister is out for dinner with her best mate, my niece and the friends little girl. My sister apparently said she wants a proper catch up with her friend, to give my niece her full attention and to not have to eat with one hand. And I TOTALLY get all of that. But I couldn't help being a bit gutted that we were cutting our afternoon short and a bit miffed that its in favour of my sister.

I feel totally torn and really guilty for feeling like this. My sister has had to cut her mat leave short by 3 months and is already back at work and she hasn't seen her friend for ages. My niece definitely deserves mummy time and my sister definitely deserves an evening off. But on the other hand, I feel like my mum kind of ditched our plans to help her out. I do a lot for my sister (and so does my mum). She is able to go out fairly often with friends and her DP and she gets free childcare. I just wanted one day to be my mums priority. And I feel childish and ridiculous for feeling like this.

Another side to it is that I can't shake the feeling that mt own kids won't get the same treatment from my mum. Not deliberately on her part, but because that's how she is with me. It makes me sad.

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I know I'm being a bit unreasonable. But its better to vent to strangers then to sound like a petulant teen in real life I guess!

[VillKrill]

YANBU at all OP, your mum is being incredibly unfair to you (not just on the occasion you describe but in giving your sister such obviously preferential treatment, to the point where you are both aware of it). FWIW you sound like a really lovely person

[thisplaceisweird]

Unfortunately grandchilden do take precedence.

I agree that I'd speak to your mum and ask to rearrange as you wanted more time with her! Nothing wrong with that. You don't need to mention your sister or niece at all when having that conversation.

[thisplaceisweird]

@EggAndHasBeans

I think it depends on whether you had set a date with your DM then DSis asked her to mind the kids, I'm confused about the timeline. You planned the outing yesterday but DM told you on Monday about babysitting'?

Be careful of these jealous feelings (regardless of whether they are a little justified or not), it's easy to let them grow and infiltrate places they don't belong, they have already set up camp in your future Another side to it is that I can't shake the feeling that mt own kids won't get the same treatment from my mum

Really important point to make. The more you think it's true, the more it'll become true.

[billy1966]

OP,

Your mother was rude to this, she had made arrangements with you.
It really is that simple.

You are too involved with your family and you need to stop with all the childcare.

Your sister asked your mother to help, knowing it would impact on your evening?

If she did, she is very selfish to do it.

I think your self esteem is far too wrapped up in your family.

I think you should look at counselling as to why that is.

Kindly meant but good mothers don't behave in such a way that they show such obvious favouritism.

Focus more on your course, life, future.

[Ponoka7]

You day that one of your issues is loneliness, so it would be stupid to do as many have suggested and cut away from your family. It's tough being a Man and having adult DDs who don't have children. I try to babysit as much as I can because I remember how much a break is needed (I never had babysitters) and when you are older you realise how fast your life goes and how much women give up when having children. Plus you love your GC, you get to enjoy them in a way you didn't get to enjoy your own and they grow up so fast.
It sounds as though your Mum is trying to be all things to all people. You won't have the same level of help from her because you don't live with her, but don't assume that she and your sister won't help whenever they can. The space might be a blessing.
Speak to your Mum and say that you'd love a late finish outing. Share your feelings.
Do you feel lonely in your relationship?

[Ponoka7]

'tough being a Nan' that should be.

[PurpleDaisies]

Unfortunately grandchilden do take precedence.

All the time? Even when it’s not an emergency? Why couldn’t the sister have just been asked to find another babysitter for the one child she just didn’t fancy taking out with her?

[Monsterpumpkins]

Sounds like your dsis is too complacent about having people on hand to help her raise her dc...
Pandered to by dm. And at your admission - you...

[JaneDoe21]

YANBU your mum had plans with you and should of kept them.

However you and your mum have been babysitting on tap for her so of course she won't think anything of it. Time to start setting firm boundaries.

[Feedingthebirds1]

Two quotes:

I [OP] was really looking forward to it as I've not spent time with just my mum for ages.

My sister apparently said she wants a proper catch up with her friend, to give my niece her full attention and to not have to eat with one hand.

So the situations were very similar, you and your sis both wanted a catch up with someone but hers took preference over yours. I can see why it rankled. The only thing you can try is to arrange another day with your mum, and spell it out to her how much you're looking forward to spending time with her. Lay it on thick but with a light touch so she doesn't see a connection. If she still puts your sis first, changes the plans to accommodate sis, that's probably time to re-evaluate your relationship with your mum and ask if it might be wise to distance yourself slightly, or to reset your expectations of/hopes for her.

[Practicebeingpatient]

I'm going to bet that there have been occasions in the past when you have gone shopping with your mum and it hasn't gone on into the evening with wine and chats because one or the other of you has had other plans. The only reason it got to you this time is because her plans were with and for your sister.

How much of this is about your little sister having the children that you want but are too sensible to try for right now? And worse, she takes all the help and support she gets from her family for granted. That must rankle.

Your mum probably thought she was doing the right thing, giving time to both of you and to her GC that day. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt you. And don't worry about your mum not loving your DC as much when the time comes. Little ones bring their own love and yours will be lucky enough to have older cousins to look up to.

[secretbookcase]

Just say to your mum - I was looking forward to dinner with you. I was a bit upset when you cancelled it to babysit. I do feel a bit sidelined by DSis and her family sometimes. Can we book a dinner together just you and me and not let anything get in its way?

She loves you. She will say yes to this.

[TexasTyson]

@EggAndHasBeans sorry if not clear, day/evening out has been planned for weeks (as you have to if you're shiftworkers). It happened yesterday. On Monday mum told me she was babysitting.

Very good point about the future though, ill try and rearrange my thinking there. My mum DOES love me, just maybe in a different way? And yes, you're right, I have no evidence that she'd treat my kids differently- thanks for that, it helped.

[OtterAndDog]

I think you sound sooo lovely and patient! Despite your mum being a twat, you still clearly have a lot of love for her and still have kind things to say about her. Honestly I wish I was more like you tbh!

[Saskatcha]

My husband’s sister (who is lovely!) is her their Mum’s very obvious favourite. My husband does try to ignore it but it does hurt I think.

[beigebrownblue]

You don't have kids. Not sure why you would be worrying about them being treated differently.
You don't have them. Yet.

[Hardbackwriter]

I think that your mum wasn't really unreasonable on this occasion - 5.30 really isn't a madly early time to end a late lunch, especially as you'd been shopping first - but that you wouldn't have minded if it weren't for the wider context of feeling less valued.

[coffeeisthebest]

Healthy families don't have favorites. If I were you I would step back out of this situation and get some counselling. Get your own life apart from your Mum and sister.

[Mjjbgfessrgb]

I would hate if one of my children felt this way and would make sure to prioritise them equally.
That you've told her several times how it hurts you and she's changed nothing speaks volumes

[Bavarois]

I think YANBU to feel disappointed the day didn't go how you hoped, but YABU to blame your mum. I don't really see what she's done wrong here. She also told you in advance that she had a time she needed to be home by, it's not even like she cut your day short and you weren't expecting it. This is all a bit odd to me but then my mum and I don't really have the sort of relationship where we'd go and drink lots of wine together. Even if I met a friend for lunch and she had to rush away to babysit I feel like I wouldn't be that bothered? Life happens.

I feel like this has more to do with you living alone and your sister having a husband and children. I don't mean to be horrible, jealousy is natural. But I really think YABU here.

[Mantlemoose]

Honestly stop being such a doormat. They're both being totally unreasonable and they're so used to you accepting it they're walking over the top of you, even worse they probably don't realise they're doing it. Put yourself first for a change!

[SnipSnipMrBurgess]

You sound really nice, but it's OK to not be OK about this.

I know exactly what you mean, I've lived it. It's not an outright favouritism, maybe it isn't even deliberate from their side, but it's there, and you feel it. I promise you that you will feel it more of they treat your kids the same, and that will end in fights and tears, because whatever about you, you will want to do anything to protect your kids.

In my case, for my own sanity, and for the sake of a relationship, I withdrew from a lot of stuff, the childcare, the meetups where I knew I would be sidelined. I stopped calling as much, which meant the calling basically stopped. I kept things superficial and light when we talked and never told them anything personal about myself or the kids when we talked. I did what I needed to do to protect my feelings and my kids feelings.

And it still hurts of course. But I took that energy and put it into people who didn't make me feel the way my family made me feel. My friends, my work and of course my husband and kids.

My family have missed out on getting to know me as much as I've missed out getting to know them. Set your boundaries, set your feelings out, and then start thinking of yourself.

[RowanAlong]

I think in your shoes I’d be trying sort out this triangle (of mum-sister-me) in my head well before I had kids. Your availability and willingness to be home help for your sister will change instantly, for a start. And as you say, resentments about favouritism will very likely be thrown into sharper relief when you have your own baby. I’d back off a little bit now, focus on your own unit (you and DP) and make that a stronger fortress, if you like. Try and spend time with your sister without your mum, too. Keep that single channel of communication as strong as you can (it sounds like you’re close).

What are your in-laws like? Start cultivating those relationships now, if you haven’t already. Otherwise all the focus will be on what your mum isn’t doing. Build your support circle, be prepared to find friends through nct or similar, in short do everything you can to boost your support network without your mum. Then if she disappoints you will feel narked, rather than bereft. Best of luck (from someone who realised too late that she had a disappointing mother) and if all else fails try some counselling. I’ve found it really helps to talk.

[TexasTyson]

@Practicebeingpatient yes that has happened but we would both be aware it was just shopping not food/wine. This was a specific plan that changed.

@secretbookcase she will say yes, I know she already feels guilty- she paid for my lunch. But that's happened in the past- i don't know how to change things!

I'm not jealous of my sister and I adore the kids, they're amazing. But yes, I would have ideally had my own by now. I'm aware im getting on a bit!!!

[RiverSkater]

@LookItsMeAgain

Why didn't you ask your mum why she agreed to look after your sister's kids when you already had plans together? It's like when a kid gets invited to a party, and they've accepted the invite but a 'better' or 'more fun' invite comes along...then which does the kid go to? Well the first one that they've accepted of course (and I've seen countless threads on that over the years on MN).
Your mum had accepted your plans and your invite and lo and behold your sister rocks up with a more fun invite...she should have said that she wasn't available and could your sister schedule her night for a different evening instead? If that wasn't a possibility, then could you and her reschedule to a different day for your lunch and drinks. She definitely shouldn't have booked herself in for both on the same day.

This, absolutely. Your mum knew it would clash with the spirit of your day. She should have refused to do it.


I do think you sound lovely and dare I say it a bit taken advantage of by both your sister and mum. It's good to be close but by making yourself a bit more scarce they might appreciate you more?