To be really disappointed by my mum

[TexasTyson]

Name changed as my sister knows I'm on here.

This will be long, sorry.

I'm 35, no kids yet, not by choice. Been with DP 2 years, we want kids but we can't until I've finished a course for work next August. My sister is 30 with a 4year old girl and a 6month old boy plus a fiance. I live alone but moving in with DP soon and my sister ans family live with my mum while they sort a mortgage.

I've known for a long time my sister is my Mum's favourite. Not in a malicious way at all, I'm not the scapegoat or anything and we are a very close family, and I often make a joke of it. Mum denies it but me and my sister know its true and she knows it hurts me a bit. To clarify, I love my sister. I speak to her every day and its not her fault.

However. While it used to be silly little things like my mums Ipad code being my sister's birthday, I feel like it's been more pronounced since my niece came along and since they moved in with my mum- I totally get that this is natural, my mum adores her grandkids and my sister for providing them and obviously they all live together, but I do sometimes feel a bit left out. I'm there a lot, I live 5 mins away and I (and my mum) do a lot of childcare for the kids while sister and BIL are at work, and I enjoy it, but still do feel a bit of a pang of loneliness when I leave. Plus I do have this nagging feeling that everything is geared towards my sister and her family and that I'm just expected to go along with it.

So. Yesterday my mum and I planned a shopping trip followed by late lunch and a few drinks. We've done this lots in the past and its usually a lovely, leisurely afternoon of wine and chat, getting home at 7ish. I was really looking forward to it as I've not spent time with just my mum for ages. On Monday my mum casually dropped into conversation that she needs to be home by 5.30 as she's agreed to have my Nephew while my sister is out for dinner with her best mate, my niece and the friends little girl. My sister apparently said she wants a proper catch up with her friend, to give my niece her full attention and to not have to eat with one hand. And I TOTALLY get all of that. But I couldn't help being a bit gutted that we were cutting our afternoon short and a bit miffed that its in favour of my sister.

I feel totally torn and really guilty for feeling like this. My sister has had to cut her mat leave short by 3 months and is already back at work and she hasn't seen her friend for ages. My niece definitely deserves mummy time and my sister definitely deserves an evening off. But on the other hand, I feel like my mum kind of ditched our plans to help her out. I do a lot for my sister (and so does my mum). She is able to go out fairly often with friends and her DP and she gets free childcare. I just wanted one day to be my mums priority. And I feel childish and ridiculous for feeling like this.

Another side to it is that I can't shake the feeling that mt own kids won't get the same treatment from my mum. Not deliberately on her part, but because that's how she is with me. It makes me sad.

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I know I'm being a bit unreasonable. But its better to vent to strangers then to sound like a petulant teen in real life I guess!

[TexasTyson]

@myphonekeepswanderingoff it's definitely not my sister's fault- but equally she doesn't call it out. Although, I suppose she may not notice every little thing that I do. I will definitely try to speak up more though, I know she felt super guilty when I raised it today.

@NickiC85 you're totally right, I think a large part is that growing up I was a Daddy's girl and my sister a mummy's girl. My parents split when I was 23. I am quite similar to my dad in a lot of ways and I think she subconsciously projects on to me a bit and sees all the things she disliked in him towards the end in me.

[TexasTyson]

@DrManhattan yep, reducing expectations as we speak!

@Whitecushion that's the problem, they ARE lovely! I genuinely enjoy their company, I love the kids, my sister is a friend as well as a sister. They'd do anything for me. That's why I feel so guilty for feeling like this.

Change the password and don't ever let the other kid(s?) know. I was 24 when my mum got that Ipad and although I laughed it off it still absolutely stung. Her reason? My sister's birthday is easy to remember. What, those 4 numbers are easier than another set of 4 numbers? Which are the day you became a mother and were my birthday for 5 whole years before she was born? A date which you have never once forgotten in 35 years? The date on which you always start your Christmas prep? (September baby) Yeah, ok mum 🤣

[NickiC85]

Exactly what stargazer said. I'm the non-favourite child. I've been sad, mad, hurt, frustrated, everything about it. I've tried and tried to be "good enough", I've pointed things out - none of it worked, and none of it ever will. One day, I realised its not about me - it's about my parents completely dysfunctional relationship and how they use their children in their sad little point scoring games. So I let it go, I don't hope or expect for anything to ever change any more, and I'm so much freer. Your mum will never change OP - recognise this isn't about you, it's about her, and that she will always put you second, and let it go. Acceptance is very powerful. Be involved with them as much as YOU want to, and stop trying to win their approval and favour - it will only end in the neverending feeling of failure. Sorry I know it's shit, it took me too long to accept it, I hope you can, and do it with love and kindness to yourself

[myphonekeepswanderingoff]

I think at any age it is not easy knowing in your heart that your mum loves a sibling more than you. I have one brother and have always felt that and what worked for me was putting some physical and emotional distance between me and my mum. It means we get on well but I stopped being so affected by it because nothing you do will change her feelings. Often I think it is about the circumstances when siblings were born, boys were definitely seen as more prized when I was a child and factors like post natal depression, money worries, gap between babies etc can influence how a mum feels about each of their children. One thing I wish I had appreciated sooner is that it isn't the fault of the favourite sibling and my relationship with them was better when we met away from our mum from time to time because hearing about each others experiences in good humour made me see their are definite drawbacks to being the favourite too!
Take good care of yourself first and foremost and don't let your mum think you don't mind something if you do mind because you are not being unreasonable at all.

[Whitecushion]

I think your family sound lovely . You are in a different place in life from your sister which maybe makes your mums treatment of her different. For what its worth I have one of my passwords as one of my childrens names. Just popped into my head at the time! Wondering if I should analyse my reason!

[DrManhattan]

I have a similar dynamic with one of my siblings. It's so annoying but I have reduced my expectations (to basically none!). Its not as irritating. Good luck xx

[DGFB]

It sounds like you had a rubbish lockdown but there is a lot going on here - including the fact you haven’t got your own kids yet. That’s always going to make you feel like an outsider while they play happy families. But the fact you don’t have kids yet is obviously not their fault.
There’s a lot of people on this thread projecting their own rubbish (worse?) childhoods.
I think it’s good you talked to your mum and she didn’t respond horribly. And it doesn’t sound like your sister is that awful either, probably just very caught up in her own life and needs.
I think you should stand up for yourself more and set a few boundaries but I doubt they are setting out to try and hurt you. They undoubtedly love you very much

[TexasTyson]

@whatisheupto yes that is my fear for the future.

I think a lot of it stems from the pandemic (doesn't everything these days?) I was alone in a 1 bed flat while my family all lived together in my mums house having a whale of a time in the garden, doing crafts etc. Obviously they were locked down, but they had each other and made it fun for my niece and each other. I didn't let DP move in with me for lockdown because of my job (paramedic) so I was alone. Definitely didn't help!

[StargazerAli]

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I felt angry and resentful for years being the least loved and least favourite until suddenly I realised nobody was unhappy except me so I just let it go like a cloud of butterflies.
I feel so much lighter and simply don't get involved with my family much now. I do my own thing and get involved if and only if it's convenient to me.
I certainly get more respect now because I've learned to say no and also live 3 hours drive away.

This is an excellent response and if you can follow this advice, the only way to move forward and let go of resentment. I did the same with negative feelings towards my sister. I realised that I was only hurting myself and that as people really don't change, I had to let go. It does work and once you have accepted the situation for what it is, you can look ahead. You have to start being selfish and protecting yourself. The others involved probably won't even notice that much; in fact they may respect you for it.

[Q123R]

Personally, having lived through it myself, I'd sit your mum down and spell it out to her, clearly.

I spent 20 years in my sister's shadow. Like you I justified it to some extent - my sister is a bully with a temper, and pussy-footing around her meant mum suffered the least. She got very adept at ignoring my upset, but I knew why she was doing it.

However, years of there being one rule for sister another for me took its toll. Being hounded thrice to thank sibling for present when I said I was about to call the first time Mum mentioned it sounds like nothing, yet when I've mentioned I haven't been thanked to Mum in the past she just shrugged it off. I could list many, many examples.

It came to a head last year, when, between lockdowns, I was able to take my 5 month old to visit friends and family. The whole week was about my sister. I wasn't allowed to spend the time as I wanted to for fear she'd be upset, yet me being in tears every day was fine. Mum 'didn't think I'd be so upset that sister dominated the whole week' yet knew sister 'might be upset' if I'd changed the plans for one day.

I've never had an apology and never will. Mum's got dementia and understands even less know. Thinks I should get over it. I really wish I'd spoken up years ago. I hope you do.

[whatisheupto]

YANBU OP.
Agree with previous posters. Also I think you will be hurt again when your children receive a fraction of the care in the future, because everyone's time will be divided between all the grandchildren. And also because your mum will probably still look after your sisters more than yours anyway. AND your sister will hardly ever look after yours because she's busy with hers.
I had this. Just bear it in mind now so you're not too surprised by the resentment later on.

[TexasTyson]

@Limitedperiodonly very good advice, thank you.

@JesusInTheCabbageVan you're totally right, lots and lots of little things over the years, plus a couple of non favouritism related her partners related issues (which to give her credit, my sister fully sided with me over)

@MichelleScarn, well I had plenty of wine 😉
Actually ended up going back with her and helping with bedtime etc 🙄

[MichelleScarn]

I'm assuming the day changed completely though, can imagine much or any wine at all if she was going home to look after dgs?

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

What really stood out from your OP is that you seem to think everyone is lovely and deserving and reasonable - but not yourself. Massive armchair psychologist here, but it sounds like you've become very good at sidelining your own feelings and bigging everyone else up to excuse them overlooking you.

Also, your mum isn't trying remotely hard to hide her favouritism if your sister's birthday is her login! That's just a massive parenting no-no, and I bet there are lots of other 'little' slights over the years which have contributed to how you're feeling now.

Plus, you've actually been reduced to tears by your mum's behaviour in the past but she's still doing it!

However you approach this, I think it has to be from a position of understanding that your mum is not actually a good parent to you. You may find that the scales fall from your eyes when you have your own DC.

[NeverDropYourMooncup]

@THEDEACON

I am not my Mother's favourite child I didn't give her grandchildren and she has no interest in my step children or grandchildren I used to be upset by this but no more I won't be running after her when she needs her bum wipedthe golden girl can get on with it !

Mine's Golden Child is most put out that he's now responsible for her.

Not my fucking problem. She, however, is rather delighted by this turn of events. Also not my problem.

OK, it also means I won't be getting anything (including quite probably, no notification until my presence is required for appearances' sake) after her demise, but in all, it's a fair deal as far as I'm concerned.


And yes, whilst she looked after his offspring for pennies Mon-Fri for years, she looked after mine twice. Once when I was expelling the second child out of my body and she didn't fancy having amniotic fluid over her sofa and once when I was in hospital overnight.

I was hurt, then realised I don't really care after all.

[limitedperiodonly]

YANBU or childish or ridiculous. I feel really sorry for you.

I suspect that your mum loves you and your sister just the same but has a weak spot for her grandchildren and will drop everything to be with them and justify it because we should all make way for children, shouldn't we?

I suspect your sister knows this. I'm not saying she is being horrible, i just think she knows how to tug on your mum's heartstrings and play on your guilt about how much time she deserves with her mate and you should count yourself lucky blah, blah, blah.

It must have really hurt. Sometimes even the people who we love the most are not very good at putting their foot down and holding to a promise when they get their arms twisted. Sometimes they desperately mean to make it up to you, and usually they do, but you can never forget.

If I was you I'd forgive your mum this time. Don't blame her or your sister but definitely stop blaming yourself for thinking badly of them. This is bad behaviour from the pair of them and they are probably gambling on you feeling guilty to let them off the hook.

Good luck with your course and the baby plans for next summer. I'm sure when you have your own child you will not feel second best with your mum and she will be the excited new granny all over again. x

[Northernparent68]

I’d accept the situation and remove myself emotionally, trying to gain approval from someone who is determined not to give it is a fool errand.

[TexasTyson]

@Hardbackwriter I think you're right. If this was a one off it wouldn't matter, but it isn't. To clarify though, we did have specific plans to be out later, go and try a couple of pubs we haven't yet etc.

@SnipSnipMrBurgess sorry you've been through it too. Its actually harder knowing its not deliberately done. Like I'm an afterthought. DP and I are good though, moving in together once he completes on the flat he is buying then hopefully getting a house together and renting the flat out.

@RowanAlong good advice about spending time with my sister, we are very close and I know she isn't trying to hurt me.

I do love the kids, they're amazing and I love my family. I genuinely love spending time with them and they do support me in some ways. I just wish my mum could see she has 2 daughters, not a daughter and her sister (if that makes any sense)

[Flowerpowwer6]

Its you good you got it off your chest OP. There's often a favourite in a family at least you all get along that's nice.

If its your mums first grandchild your mum probably just wants to help your sister.


Your time will come OP and I'm sure your mum will help you just the same.

[Hardbackwriter]

This, absolutely. Your mum knew it would clash with the spirit of your day. She should have refused to do it.

I think to be fair that the mum probably genuinely didn't realise it would be an issue - if I'd planned to spend the whole day with someone I really wouldn't consider it a big, atmosphere-changing difference to finish at 5.30 rather than allowing for the possibility of it drifting on until 7. It wouldn't occur to me to say that I was busy in the evening in that scenario. I don't think the OP would have thought it was a big deal either if she didn't already feel hurt by favouritism - that's the issue here, not this one day.

[Walkaround]

Tbh, lovely as your dsis may be, she sounds like she is so used to being the baby that is the centre of everyone’s attention that she doesn’t think to check whether her plans and expectations might put others out, even though she claims to be aware of the problem. You’ve all allowed the dynamic to develop and it suits your dsis to let it continue, even though she knows it makes you feel sad. Both your mother and you have enabled and encouraged your dsis to be the queen bee and she is happy to accept that, enjoy the fact and do nothing to help you change it.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

*no reason not to think that both of you are agreeable.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

@secretbookcase

Just say to your mum - I was looking forward to dinner with you. I was a bit upset when you cancelled it to babysit. I do feel a bit sidelined by DSis and her family sometimes. Can we book a dinner together just you and me and not let anything get in its way?

She loves you. She will say yes to this.

This!
Its such a sinking feeling, to feel like this.
I think you should have a shot at communicating with them a bit more in a non confrontational way.. and don't just accept the status quo. It wouldn't have worked with my DM and Sis, but your DM sounds flexible and caring. She simply might not have seen it. Your sister seems a bit selfish, but then you and your mum are always there in a happy to help way, so she has no reason to think that both of you are agreeable to what ever she might ask for.
I think you are feeling that its all a bit too one way and so you need to really make sure that the next time you help out that its really convenient to you and that you really don't mind doing it .

I also think you've put all your eggs in the one basket and that is why this is weighing on you.

Start thinking about the things you want to do, make plans, and consciously fill up your time a bit more so that there's not an overbalance of emphasis placed on your DM and Sis. at the moment it seems like they think you don't do much with your time and are therefore always available. It might help the situation if there are other things competing for your attention. I hope you find a way to solve this, but I do think your mum might listen to you.

[RiverSkater]

@LookItsMeAgain

Why didn't you ask your mum why she agreed to look after your sister's kids when you already had plans together? It's like when a kid gets invited to a party, and they've accepted the invite but a 'better' or 'more fun' invite comes along...then which does the kid go to? Well the first one that they've accepted of course (and I've seen countless threads on that over the years on MN).
Your mum had accepted your plans and your invite and lo and behold your sister rocks up with a more fun invite...she should have said that she wasn't available and could your sister schedule her night for a different evening instead? If that wasn't a possibility, then could you and her reschedule to a different day for your lunch and drinks. She definitely shouldn't have booked herself in for both on the same day.

This, absolutely. Your mum knew it would clash with the spirit of your day. She should have refused to do it.


I do think you sound lovely and dare I say it a bit taken advantage of by both your sister and mum. It's good to be close but by making yourself a bit more scarce they might appreciate you more?

[TexasTyson]

@Practicebeingpatient yes that has happened but we would both be aware it was just shopping not food/wine. This was a specific plan that changed.

@secretbookcase she will say yes, I know she already feels guilty- she paid for my lunch. But that's happened in the past- i don't know how to change things!

I'm not jealous of my sister and I adore the kids, they're amazing. But yes, I would have ideally had my own by now. I'm aware im getting on a bit!!!