To be devastated at DH's comment?

[regthetabbycat]

I'm a stroke survivor and also have severe osteoarthritis which impacts massively on my independence. I'm also diabetic.

My DH is my sole carer which is how he wants it.

I cope with toileting myself by day and use a commode at night which I manage alone but he needs to empty the bucket each morning.

He cooks most of the meals and serves them because I can't carry things. He also does the washing twice a week.

Yesterday I overheard him telling a mutual friend that he's exhausted and 'never gets a minute' to himself. I'm heartbroken by this.

I keep between meal requests to a minimum because after being active and independent this hasn't gone well with me and I'm quite frankly embarrassed at needing to be cared for! I try my best to combine requests so he gets longer breaks. Twice a week he meets a friend for coffee for an hour - which is a luxury I don't get. My outings are limited to hospital appointments because he would have push the wheelchair for other things and I don't like asking.

AIBU to be so upset at this.

[youshouldbeplotting]

to everyone on this thread who is on either side of this situation. It is hard on both parties.

[lap90]

I think both your feelings are valid.

[Peachee]

I really don’t think you should have posted this on the AIBU board..
you are subjecting yourself to some brutal home truths when you are already feeling low..
You must feel awful.. can you post this on a different board xxx

[Hankunamatata]

OP is sounds tough. He is allowed to have a little moan and wallow, the same as you. I'm sure he didnt mean for you to overhear it.

Could you look into some charities for a social side for yourself. Adaptations to the house. Could you manage a mobility scooter to give yourself some independence?

[regthetabbycat]

Several points to address here -

The only benefit I stand a chance of getting is attendance allowance because I'm over retirement age.

I don't need help as such with personal care - I can dress myself but occasionally need help putting on shoes and I need someone on hand when in the shower because of the danger of falling.

The commode was HIS idea. I find it humiliating but went along with what he preferred.

He does meals and laundry. The things I used to do for him. Between times he's free to do as he pleases but chooses to be on his tablet instead of other activities. He could leave me with a packed lunch and go out for the day but chooses not to.

We're investigating motorised wheelchairs/mobility scooters but storage is proving to be a problem. Moving is not an option as we're owner occupiers and in a good position in town.

This afternoon he's agreed to a cleaner and laundry assistance one day a week.

Quite frankly, the day centre suggestion would be my idea of hell!

[cooldarkroom]

My mother was handicapped most of my adult life.
To be completely honest, I do not know how my Dad coped. Since he died, (LONG before her, exhausted,) I have seen how hard it is on a daily basis to be a carer. Obviously it depends on the level of disability but it is relentless, & honestly, for me, depressing.
I think you need to let him have more than an odd hour break, it is a major sacrifice dedicating yourself for life to your handicapped, partner, or other family member.
Please don't think I'm being unkind, I understand entirely that your health is not your fault.
I think you need to use all the professional help you can access. So that you husband remains your carer for as long as possible. This includes understanding he needs a break.

[youshouldbeplotting]

Quite frankly, the day centre suggestion would be my idea of hell!

I think my DH would say the same thing.

OP, get rid of the commode and get a nightlight as others have suggested.

[Blossomtoes]

It sounds dreadful for both of you. Having been a carer, I completely understand where he’s coming from though. It’s about losing freedom and spontaneity and your situation has completely changed the dynamic of your relationship.

Do you have friends who could visit you when he goes out? At least that way you’d both have some sociable time. I really feel for you both. 💐

[youshouldbeplotting]

OP re mobility scooters, you can ones that fold up, you could store something like that more easily - in the car boot if you have one.

[grapewine]

YANBU - of course, you're hurt, it isn't nice to hear. But he isn't being unreasonable either. None of you asked for your lives to change this way, and it must be so, so tough. He is allowed his feelings, though, and it's good that he has someone to talk to about it.

[cooldarkroom]

sorry, crossed post

[Janxyb]

I would call adult social services and talk through with them how you are both feeling/coping.
Definitely recommend a carer, even just one morning a week will make a difference. ASS can help arrange it and a financial assessment to see if/how much you would need to pay x

[chocaholic73]

He should be entitled to a carer's assessment from social services. They may be able to offer support or suggest ways of doing things. It sounds to me as if he needs respite from being a carer and you need respite from being with him. Getting someone to help with the domestics is great but only part of the issue. Do you have a friend who could take you for a coffee, or could your DH drop you off at a friend's house for even an hour or so. If not, what about employing a carer to take you out (without him) occasionally - whether that's shopping or something else.

[idontlikealdi]

Why have a commode if you don't need it?

[grapewine]

Quite frankly, the day centre suggestion would be my idea of hell!

This I wholeheartedly agree with.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

Ah. I see. Sorry. I should not have assumed about your age. It sounds as all this is quite new to you both. It’s bound to take some adjustment.

If he is otherwise kind and supportive I’d try not to take his comment to his friend to heart too much. But if you feel that it reflects deeper seated resentment and/or a lack of care for you then this plainly needs addressing promptly.

My mum has become almost entirely dependant on my dad this past year. They are 80 (I do help obviously). The tenderness with which he looks after her is genuinely awesome. I hope you receive similar. You also - if I may be permitted to say so - need to learn to accept the help. Need to accept that you deserve it. You have spent a lifetime giving. It’s not a moral failure that you need to receive help now. It’s just a sad fact. It doesn’t define you. But I get that it is an impediment to daily life.

I am sorry this is a difficult time. I hope you have friends and family who can support you both.

[ClawedButler]

Being a carer is really tough, even when you want to do it and take pride in doing it. It's not only physically and mentally exhausting, it can also be a huge change in roles for both of you, and that's often difficult to navigate.

Just because he's knackered doesn't mean he resents you - it just means he needs a break. Not because you are a terrible burden ruining his life, but because he is a human being like the rest of us, and needs a rest or a pint with a mate every now and again.

Much much better to have a proper grown-up conversation about this than to let worries or frustrations fester. The conversation should aim to find a resolution that works for both of you - you might be able to get respite care for example, which gives you both a little break.

Talk to Citizens Advice, your local council, gov.uk or carersuk.org for some really good guidance on what help there might be available for each of you. It doesn't have to be all-or-nothing, there's a h u g e range of options to explore that don't involve him working himself into a stump. Think of it as something that YOU can do for HIM.

best of luck x x

[Graphista]

The only benefit I stand a chance of getting is attendance allowance because I'm over retirement age

Why do you think this? It's not true, who have you been advised by?

As a pp has correctly assessed there is a suggestion more going on here

Was he controlling before you became disabled op?

I think posters need to remember just because the dh is ops carer now doesn't mean this is a healthy relationship

[Permanentlygrumpy]

www.carersuk.org/

Lots of help and information here to get you both the right support that you need.

[CharlieBoo]

Caring for someone is such hard work mentally and physically. You’ve lost your independence but he has too... I’m sure he didn’t mean for you to hear and we all need to vent sometimes.

[Suzi888]

We can apply for attendance allowance once he's been caring for me for 6 months.….
That doesn’t seem right to me, why does six months need to pass? I’ve assessed benefit and never heard of this. I’d apply now.

I can see both sides of this too. Agree you both need to talk about what you want, especially you.

[youshouldbeplotting]

Graphista you can only get PIP past pension age if you were in receipt of it before reaching pension age I think?

[AlternativePerspective]

OP, it can be very hard to admit the loss of independence, because if that’s the kind of person you were then it means having to admit you’re no longer that person.

I have been there, but I won’t share my story here, but what I would say is, instead of focusing on the things you feel you have lost, what things can you do? Tell us about your interests, your hobbies, the things which you entertain yourself with rather than the things you’re focusing on having to allow others to do for you. There will be some, and if there aren’t, what would you like to be able to do? Coffee out with a friend? Reading? Writing? Any other kind of hobby? Only you know what these things might be.

Also, you say it’s been less than 6 months, what kind of rehab have you had and is there scope for any more where you might be able to regain some of your previous functionality?

Maybe instead of your dh cooking you could order one of those meals in a box from a restaurant, where everything is prepared and just needs to be put together, starter, main and dessert with a bottle of wine. Not a takeaway, a bit more involved than that, and then you and your DH could start by having a date at home, and then perhaps progress to going out.

Everything has changed for you both, but there are still ways to be the people you previously were.

What was your relationship like before your stroke?

[Graphista]

@Suzi888

www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance/eligibility

[Happyorchidlady]

Have you had a Care Act assessment completed by Social Services? Even if you were not eligible for care, they would be able to signpost you to services that could support you.