To be devastated at DH's comment?

[regthetabbycat]

I'm a stroke survivor and also have severe osteoarthritis which impacts massively on my independence. I'm also diabetic.

My DH is my sole carer which is how he wants it.

I cope with toileting myself by day and use a commode at night which I manage alone but he needs to empty the bucket each morning.

He cooks most of the meals and serves them because I can't carry things. He also does the washing twice a week.

Yesterday I overheard him telling a mutual friend that he's exhausted and 'never gets a minute' to himself. I'm heartbroken by this.

I keep between meal requests to a minimum because after being active and independent this hasn't gone well with me and I'm quite frankly embarrassed at needing to be cared for! I try my best to combine requests so he gets longer breaks. Twice a week he meets a friend for coffee for an hour - which is a luxury I don't get. My outings are limited to hospital appointments because he would have push the wheelchair for other things and I don't like asking.

AIBU to be so upset at this.

[ThanksIGotItInMorrisons]

Everything @FuckingFabulous said. And maybe talk about a carer one or two days a week? Carers can also take you out for the day to shop or just for a walk. This could lighten the load and pressure on you both and make life much more bearable. You are both in a difficult situation which neither of you asked for.

[GreyEyedWitch]

It sounds like neither of you have much of a life to be honest. Going out twice a week for coffee is hardly a lot. Perhaps you could be doing more things outside the home together to keep life interesting for both of you?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

I think it's time to start discussing some respite with dh.

[Wombat24]

Why aren't you asking him to push your wheelchair?

[thisplaceisweird]

I sympathize with him and think he's entitled to feel a bit stressed by it. It's a full time job and it's really tough to be a carer for a loved one.

Particularly over the last year, he's probably not had much of his own life away from you.

He's entitled to rant from time to time and doesn't sound like he intended for you to hear it.

However, it's fair enough for you to feel upset too.
Nobody wants to feel like a burden.

I would maybe just let it go and accept it's not an ideal situation, but it's nobody's fault.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Are you in the UK? Have you applied for PIP?

[endofthelinefinally]

You really do need to investigate what financial support and care support you are entitled to. At the very least carer's allowance and attendance allowance. Changing your relationship to that of carer and cared for is depressing and exhausting for everyone. Having a paid carer for some of the time would give DH a break and give you opportunities to spend some leisure time/quality time together.
DH being your only carer probably seemed to be a good idea at first, but now the reality is sinking in.
I have chronic illness and my DH has had to do so much for me for the last 5 years. My health has improved a little recently and I encouraged him to go off on a work project for 3 weeks while my DC was visiting and it has done us both a lot of good.
I am so sorry your health is so poor. It is devastating to find yourself in that position.

[Mischance]

It is hard being a carer - I looked after my OH till his death early last year.

I built in time for myself - I went singing, or to concerts - and made sure that I had organised someone to cover my OH's care. Your OH needs to do this, and with your blessing.

And you need to find ways of getting out and about without him - look up local voluntary organisations and ask them for help. Try the Stroke Association as a start.

Please do not resent his need for space - if this is a long term thing you need to build in time for him to recharge his batteries, so you can make this work going forward into the future for both of you.

[Namechercanged]

This is so tough, I sympathise with you both.

PPs are right, it sounds like you both need to get out of the house more together.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

You are upset. He is tired. Both of you need some TLC.

I am posting to say you should be getting PIP surely?

You definitely need to get out of the house. I hope things inprove for you both.

[endofthelinefinally]

Do you have physio? OT? Any kind of support/input from outside agencies? I agree that counselling and a patient support group would be helpful. I belong to a patient support group (online) and it is good to have other people to share with. Lots of good advice about pain management etc.

[TheFrogNGoose]

YANBU to be upset but I also think your husband is not unreasonable either. It must be hard for him too and he deserves to be able to talk about that with someone.

[regthetabbycat]

@Ozanj

Honestly it feels like you are punishing yourself for becoming disabled. Don’t do this please. These things can happen to anyone. Just take advantage of all the professional help you can so you don’t need to rely on a carer you are uncomfortable with.

That has just touched a nerve and made me cry!

It's so true. I'm a retired nurse - I'm meant to be the one giving care not on the receiving end. and I know it's irrational but I feel a failure.

Some good sense on this thread! I can be left alone for periods so I'll check for carers groups and similar.

[BetterCare]

It must be incredibly hard for both of you. I am a carer to my father full time and I feel completely and utterly trapped. However, it is a choice I made and will continue to do so but every so often I have to unload on friends, which I am sure that was all your husband was doing. I hope you too are able to do the same thing.

I think it may be time for you both to have a serious look at the situation and see where you can make positive changes for both of you. You can try and speak to Adult Social care and get an assessment. They may be able to offer some very practical advice.

See if you are entitled to any Continuing Health Care funding (this is extremely difficult to get) but not impossible. Beacon is a charity, they are amazing and can help with navigating the application process. As can Adult Social Care.

www.beaconchc.co.uk/

I am sorry if I have missed this but you don't say how old you. But you can use the different charities that are available to you.

Also speak more to your GP, District Nurses and Community Matrons.

You often have to fight to be heard but you need to do everything to make sure that you are receiving all the care and benefits you are entitled to.

I wish you all the luck, it is not easier but I am sure there are ways to make it just a little bit easier for the both of you.

[Conchitastrawberry]

Life as a full time carer is hard. It’s 24/7. It’s understandable he feels like that. I care for my disabled son. I say the same all the time but it doesn’t mean I don’t love him or that I resent him. He’s probably just letting off steam. Try not to read too much into it.

[Cynthese]

I care for my husband, whilst running a business and having a full time job. I honestly think yabu. Your husband needs to vent to his friends without you feeling somewhat about it, Its not easy. I know you don't want to depend on anyone, but, hey, that's what it is at the moment.

[ancientgran]

If he's been caring for you for less than six months it is an adjustment. I've been my husband's carer for 30 years and over time you both make adjustments.

[endofthelinefinally]

Oh bless you OP. I too am a retired nurse. I spent 40 years caring for other people. It is absolutely wretched isn't it. I hope you can build a support network and get all the help you can, get your relationship with DH back on a better footing.
(I retired , looking forward to all the things I had hoped and planned to do with DH. Within weeks my darling son had died suddenly, I developed several serious illnesses and it was downhill all the way. I am not the same person any more.)

[2bazookas]

Yesterday I overheard him telling a mutual friend that he's exhausted and 'never gets a minute' to himself. I'm heartbroken by this.

That is his truth.

Fact is, there are two stroke victims in your home.
You hate and resent what stroke has done to your life, your independence and autonomy; but you're doing the very best you can. to cope.
He hates what stroke has done to his life, independence, autonomy, but he's doing the very best he can to cope.

Don't blame him for struggling. You're both struggling. You're in this together.

He let out his stress to a friend; you're letting yours out here,.

It's time for both of you to consider that you both need to get more help, more support.

[JediGnot]

I have to say that these threads get me every time!

I cannot for one second believe that ANYONE has voted YABU.

OP is 100% not being at all unreasonable. I don't think her partner is either, for the record.

[TheGumption]

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Now you know how hard he is finding it, how much he is keeping from you so as not to hurt your feelings, you are aware that the two of you are both doing this to yourselves and each other. STOP IT! Both of you.

Set aside what was, who you were before this happened, and start seeking other support. Widen your horizons, and his. Take charge. As a retired nurse you'll know the truth of that old saying "You'll feel better if you feel some control!"

You don't even have to tell him you heard him. Just start the conversation about wanting to start looking at the proper long term support the two of you can get, together and separately.

Best of luck getting your head round it!

[Comedycook]

It sounds really hard for you both. Obviously it must be difficult for you to be dependent on someone when you are used to being independent. Also even if he had noble intentions of being your sole carer, the reality may be harder than he thought. I think you should accept as much outside help as you can for both your sakes.

[Bluntness100]

Op I mean this gently but as hard as this is for you and no one can under estimat that, your husband needs support to.

I think the both of you looking for external support now would be a good thing, external carers to give him support.

Anyth8ng to make life easier and for both of you to be supported should be explored 💐

[thatsnotgoingtowork2]

No you're not being unreasonable at all. That is so painful.

Look, you need to separate out the relationship and the care. This is intolerable for you. Fight for your independence. At the moment you'd almost be better finding solutions alone as you could do least use them without censuring yourself and feeling in the way.

Your DP can get a job.