One at Uni, one at work…

[BelleClapper]

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

[Ccstraz]

I find it incredible that you are charging your 17 year old daughter, who is an apprentice getting an education but are giving a free pass to your son. It smacks of favouritism and you are risking alienating your daughter. I hope for her sake she moves out soon and distances herself from you. You specifically state you will take money from her to support him. He needs to get a job after hours and contribute to his own education if you can’t afford it.

[BelleClapper]

I have been very amused by the sheer number of articles about this thread in various outlets, including BoredPanda who stated I was charging her $16k

[BelleClapper]

For anyone late to the thread who hasn’t read all my updates, DD got herself sacked from the apprenticeship and is currently job hunting/reapplying to college.

DS meanwhile is working almost full time and will be saving the majority of his wage towards Uni in September. We will take £125 from him for keep (less than DD because hers included petrol at £100pm and her phone contract £25).

He will also be working while away at University so we won’t be sending him any money unless it’s an emergency.

[Gooseberrypies]

@Parentalguidance12 as if

[Longestfewdaysupcoming]

A contract being unenforceable against the daughter because it’s not for necessaries does not mean all the daughter’s money belongs to her parents.

[Parentalguidance12]

@Luna2021

Personally, I'm very against parents taking a portion of children's income when they haven't moved out. 17 is also really young. It would of course a different scenario if it were adult children or adult children who had moved back in to save.

Unless you're saving that money to then give back to them, I'd stop collecting it. If it were me, I'd also be pretty annoyed that I was earning so little and expected to contribute when a sibling was being given money.

you can be against it but legally anything owned or earned by a minor belongs to the parents. There are some exceptions, but for the most part, until they reach the age of majority or are declared independent by a court, they are the responsibility of the parents.

so even if the daughter sues the parents, all of the money she earned technically belongs to the mother anyways.

in return the parents just have to continue to provide food, clothing and shelter for the child as they have always been doing.

[Luna2021]

Personally, I'm very against parents taking a portion of children's income when they haven't moved out. 17 is also really young. It would of course a different scenario if it were adult children or adult children who had moved back in to save.

Unless you're saving that money to then give back to them, I'd stop collecting it. If it were me, I'd also be pretty annoyed that I was earning so little and expected to contribute when a sibling was being given money.

[Parentalguidance12]

@BelleClapper

She’s upset. But I’m really worried she hasn’t taken much from this. She was asked to leave college because she didn’t hand any work in. And then the same with this.

She keeps asking to spend the day out with her mates and I keep saying no, as she should be at work/college and not reaping the benefits of free time.

I have literally no idea how to deal with this or what she needs to do now. She wants to apply for another apprenticeship but if she’s not prepared to do the work I’m not sure what to say.

She says things like ‘I told my tutor I struggled with motivation so she should have let me off’ and ‘ they kept telling me I wasn’t paying attention in classes but that’s just my face’. Nothing is her fault and the system is against her.

I’m at a loss.

You just wait till she turns 18 and kick her out if she doesnt get a job in a month.
If you do not pay rent or contribute to household expenses in any way, you are not a tenant, you are a guest. Parents have no obligation to provide support to adult children. As a result, they can kick you out with no notice.
You shouldn't spoil your kids. You explain to them you have bills to pay and they're adding on to them. That's all.

[Longestfewdaysupcoming]

Oh bless you all it sounds a bit of a disaster for her.

Is she settled and happy in other areas? Just I know with one of mine the minute they weren’t happy in general - school work went down the pan.

Good for DS getting a job :)

[looptheloopinahulahoop]

Oh I completely missed the OP's updates, I think I was on the wrong page. Oh dear. Well she needs to get a different sort of job like working in a cafe or something. Maybe she's just not up to academic work currently and needs an easy job for the moment to earn money, decide what she wants to do next and develop the maturity to have some sort of work ethic. She's still very young and as people are very keen on saying, we all develop at different rates. The perfect MNers have 5 year olds who can cook and clean, the rest of us have varying degrees of independence in our kids.

Some people will say a 17 year old should have a work ethic but there are plenty of people out there who drifted a bit to start with but knuckled down by their mid to late 20s.

[looptheloopinahulahoop]

There's no such thing as a cheaper university unless you mean accommodation costs in the city concerned.

Laughing at the notion of a "successful household" including contributing to the gardening! As a total non-gardener myself...

[loopylindi]

young people often don't know how to deal with responsibility for their actions. They can't accept consequences cos nothing is their fault. It's always someone else and as a parent you'll be first in line. You could start by giving her little jobs to do and to a deadline, with a small reward if completed - see how that goes. Then increase the job and expected time to complete to test her resolve. Are there any voluntary opportunities around that might help? You've got to get her active before she gets depressed.

[DavidTheDog]

She says things like ‘I told my tutor I struggled with motivation so she should have let me off’ and ‘ they kept telling me I wasn’t paying attention in classes but that’s just my face’. Nothing is her fault and the system is against her.

Have you pointed out that doing another apprenticeship will be more of the same?

The pressure on schools means that all of the responsibility for doing well - working hard, being resilient, learning when to change direction and when to persevere and ultimately exam performance falls on the teachers rather than the students. This does them no good service in the long run.

[BelleClapper]

She’s upset. But I’m really worried she hasn’t taken much from this. She was asked to leave college because she didn’t hand any work in. And then the same with this.

She keeps asking to spend the day out with her mates and I keep saying no, as she should be at work/college and not reaping the benefits of free time.

I have literally no idea how to deal with this or what she needs to do now. She wants to apply for another apprenticeship but if she’s not prepared to do the work I’m not sure what to say.

She says things like ‘I told my tutor I struggled with motivation so she should have let me off’ and ‘ they kept telling me I wasn’t paying attention in classes but that’s just my face’. Nothing is her fault and the system is against her.

I’m at a loss.

[DavidTheDog]

Oh heck. I guess it's an age that things don't go smoothly for many of us. How is she feeling? I'd have been mortified at that age.

[BelleClapper]

Well DD has been sacked from her apprenticeship and job. She hadn’t done any of the work they’d set in the two months she was on the course.

DS has secured full time employment until September working in a restaurant.

I’m sure some of the contributors on this thread will twist this into my fault or something but there we go.

[PerveenMistry]

I would never charge my child to live at home, at any age let alone 17!

[Hawkins001]

@BelleClapper

Fucking hell.

Some deep shit projection going on there.

Any updates on the current situation op ?

[Posieandpip]

Most students don't receive money from parents - I didn't and none of my friends did. I worked, everyone works. It's only fair to teach your son the same lesson you're teaching your daughter by making him support himself.

[Saoirse82]

There's 2 years between me and my sister. My parents funded her living at uni, we're in Ireland and she went to England. She didn't have to get a job so she could focus on her studies. Id no interest in further education so I got a job at 18 and gave £20 a week 'keep' into the house. I wasn't making a lot (prob around min wage or slightly over) and they didn't need the money but they were trying to reach me to be responsible.
I never thought I was being treated unfairly, I knew if I wanted to go to uni I'd get the same. I've never tallied up what each of us got, we're loved equally so there's never been any kind of she got and I didn't. I think its fair that your DD pays something into the house, 25% is quite a lot though. I'd maybe reduce her payments.

[loopylindi]

I've always had an issue with the difference between 'fairness' and 'equality' My MIL would regularly 'help out' DS and DiL who had a smaller income than us plus two children to bring up. We lived far away, no children and, initially , only 1 income while DH a student. We never so much as got a sniff of any financial help - but we never felt resentful. This situation continued when DH started working, so 2 incomes. We always felt this arrangement was fair, though not equal.
Consequently, gifts to nieces of different ages were always age appropriate, even if of different value. Cash gifts also.

[Newkitchen123]

@Pagwatch

This thread is an exercise in competitive weirdness and a determination to be the most wonderful selfless mother ever.
It's no wonder that lots of kids arrive at uni/work with the idea that the world revolves around them and that being made responsible for stuff is unfair.

Spot on

[Pagwatch]

This thread is an exercise in competitive weirdness and a determination to be the most wonderful selfless mother ever.
It's no wonder that lots of kids arrive at uni/work with the idea that the world revolves around them and that being made responsible for stuff is unfair.

[DulseSeaweed]

This thread is bloody ridiculous. You chauffeur her around and put her up, it’s fine to charge rent. As I assume you will if and when DS comes home as an earner. People are so weird.

[BelleClapper]

Fucking hell.

Some deep shit projection going on there.