DM and her wishes for when she dies

[ScotlandUnited]

Apologies if this posts several times as MN seems glitchy
Will try not to make this too long!
My parents are almost 50 years married, been together 55 years, since teenagers. DF went to university several times, very educated, worked his way up to become a director, won awards, travelled internationally for work etc. DM left school with no qualifications, worked in shops and as a cleaner and also a SAHM. Both parents are great parents.
As they got older, however, this difference in their education and employment experiences caused strains between them. DF's travel caused resentment with DM who was stuck at home. She did have the option to travel with him, but when she did, she was bored, as she did not understand the subject or feel that she fit in. Not really DFs fault. What was DFs fault however, is that he fell in with the after work / lunch time drinking mindset and over the years developed quite a bit of a drink problem that has continued since he retired. He still socialises with old colleages and rarely with my DM. My DM feels like he is a lodger and they have nothing in common anymore. She also struggles with his verbal aggression when he has had too much to drink.
I have basically been my mum's counsellor for years now. have had to listen to her say how much she 'hates' him and wishes he was dead. She shouts at me and dad if we discuss things like politics because its boring. So as I said some things are his fault, some things are not. My DF tends to keep his feelings to himself although they argue a lot, so loudly the neighbours hear and complain.
Staying out of it isn't an option without going NC but I love my parents. There are mostly good times but the bad can be bad. My DSis lives abroad and we don't get on. She's closer to my DF than to DM and I'm closer to DM (don't have much of an option as she treats me like her counsellor!)
Anyway, the reason I'm posting this is because DM is asking me to promise that when she dies, I've to bury her alongside DGF and DGM and not with DF. She says she "doesn't care" what I do with DF when he dies whether he's buried or cremated or "dumped in a skip". Lovely huh? She keeps insisting that I respect her wishes and that she's serious.
So I am torn! I don't want to visit two graves for my parents but I also want to respect my DMs wishes too. I feel manipulated and that my mum is not thinking about me and how he's my dad. I don't get on with my DSis but I reckon she'd tell me to respect DMs wishes even though she was always closer to DF. I don't think my DF knows what DM is asking me and he'd be angry and upset.
DM does keep talking about divorce but its never happened and never will. I'm so tired of it all and it distresses me.
I know DM has a will. I don't know if the will states her burial wishes. If so, can I ignore her burial wishes if its in the will?
WIBU to completely ignore DMs wishes and bury her with DF? or do I have to respect her wishes?

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Staying out of it isn't an option without going NC but I love my parents

Actually it can be an option in that you could choose to disengage from the "counselling", or better still suggest she sees a professional on her own
You'll still get the moaning no doubt, but there's nothing to stop you simply changing the subject or downright refusing to be drawn into what is, after all, their mess

As for the burial wishes, tell her to record these in her will, then come the time do whatever you decide is best

[ittakes2]

I am sorry but she should be allowed to choose how she is buried - why would you not want to respect her wishes?

[user648482729]

I’m not really sure why it’s an issue for them to be buried in separate graves; they could still be in the same graveyard surely just different graves? Why is visiting different graves an issue?

[funnylittlefloozie]

You'd be happy burying her with someone who makes her feel like shit just because it's more convenient for you? Won't you feel awful everytime you visit the grave knowing she doesn't want to be there?

She'll be DEAD. Thats the whole point of graves. She won't want or feel anything because she will be dead! Nod and smile and say yes mum, and when she dies, give her the funeral that works for you.

[Palavah]

1. stop being your mother's counsellor. I've been there so I know how impossible it makes it to be a daughter to either of your parents if you're also trying to be counsellor. Encourage her to seek a paid counsellor, make some boundaries for your conversations with her.
   
   
2. I don't want to visit two graves for my parents - sorry this is a non-issue.
   
   
3. your DM can and should lay out her wishes for her own body in her will. She can't determine what happens to your father. Has he made a will?

[LettyLoman]

Why wouldn't you respect her wishes? Not wanting to visit 2 graves seems lame. Your annoyed and possibly angry with her but there's 2 sides to that marriage and if she talks about divorce but doesn't do it she may be scared or intimidated. When people die you can do whatever the hell you like but she's your Mum who stayed at home to bring you you up. Couldn't you let have one wish?

[Proudboomer]

It is a moot point unless she owns a plot with her mother and father. A lot of the older graveyards are full up so it is not always possible to buy one when the time comes.

[Notaroadrunner]

I'd respect her wishes. He might die first and once she dies you just bury her with her parents. If she dies first it might be more difficult as your father might not respect her wishes, so not much you can do in that instance.

Has she bought the plot next to your grandparents? Because I think there is your answer

Assuming your grandparents were buried years ago she might be able to fit into the plot. I know in Ireland it would be possible to be buried on top of a previous coffin but as far as I know there is a minimum number of years that the previous coffin needs to have been there.

Tell her to put her wishes in writing and you could keep the instructions in a sealed envelope at your house so there are no doubts when the time comes.

[AnUnoriginalUsername]

Of course you should respect her wishes. You'd be happy burying her with someone who makes her feel like shit just because it's more convenient for you? Won't you feel awful everytime you visit the grave knowing she doesn't want to be there? Put them in the same cemetery but different plots, it won't make your life that much more difficult.

[sleepylittlebunnies]

If she dies first then unless it’s specified in her will or she’s booked everything with the undertakers then I’d have thought your dad as NOK would decide and arrange it.

[AnUnoriginalUsername]

Of course you should respect her wishes. You'd be happy burying her with someone who makes her feel like shit just because it's more convenient for you? Won't you feel awful everytime you visit the grave knowing she doesn't want to be there? Put them in the same cemetery but different plots, it won't make your life that much more difficult.

[Feather12]

Has she bought the plot next to your grandparents? Because I think there is your answer.

[Feelingconfused2020]

What kind of verbal aggression? Would you say he is abusive? How does your dad feel about your mum. You mention that she "hates" him so does he know or does he think everything is ok?

I have no idea what I would do and would hate to be stuck in the middle but I think maybe I would be telling my mum that if she is unhappy she needs to leave and offering to help her get set up on her own. I don't see why it's such a big deal to have your parents buried separately but I think it would be right for her to mention it to him in advance. How do you think he would react?

[Feelingconfused2020]

What kind of verbal aggression? Would you say he is abusive? How does your dad feel about your mum. You mention that she "hates" him so does he know or does he think everything is ok?

I have no idea what I would do and would hate to be stuck in the middle but I think maybe I would be telling my mum that if she is unhappy she needs to leave and offering to help her get set up on her own. I don't see why it's such a big deal to have your parents buried separately but I think it would be right for her to mention it to him in advance. How do you think he would react?

[JustCatting]

Tbh, I don't think the "after" someone dies situation is for their benefit, it's for the people left behind.

So I'd nod and smile, then bury them as you see fit and for your convenience.

Unless she has something in her will specifying that she shouldn't be buried with DF id do what you want. She won't know, she'll be dead.

Do you tell her that it's not appropriate or fair on you to talk to you this way and treat you like her counsellor?