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AIBU?

DM and her wishes for when she dies

140 replies

ScotlandUnited · 12/05/2021 16:02

Apologies if this posts several times as MN seems glitchy
Will try not to make this too long!
My parents are almost 50 years married, been together 55 years, since teenagers. DF went to university several times, very educated, worked his way up to become a director, won awards, travelled internationally for work etc. DM left school with no qualifications, worked in shops and as a cleaner and also a SAHM. Both parents are great parents.
As they got older, however, this difference in their education and employment experiences caused strains between them. DF's travel caused resentment with DM who was stuck at home. She did have the option to travel with him, but when she did, she was bored, as she did not understand the subject or feel that she fit in. Not really DFs fault. What was DFs fault however, is that he fell in with the after work / lunch time drinking mindset and over the years developed quite a bit of a drink problem that has continued since he retired. He still socialises with old colleages and rarely with my DM. My DM feels like he is a lodger and they have nothing in common anymore. She also struggles with his verbal aggression when he has had too much to drink.
I have basically been my mum's counsellor for years now. have had to listen to her say how much she 'hates' him and wishes he was dead. She shouts at me and dad if we discuss things like politics because its boring. So as I said some things are his fault, some things are not. My DF tends to keep his feelings to himself although they argue a lot, so loudly the neighbours hear and complain.
Staying out of it isn't an option without going NC but I love my parents. There are mostly good times but the bad can be bad. My DSis lives abroad and we don't get on. She's closer to my DF than to DM and I'm closer to DM (don't have much of an option as she treats me like her counsellor!)
Anyway, the reason I'm posting this is because DM is asking me to promise that when she dies, I've to bury her alongside DGF and DGM and not with DF. She says she "doesn't care" what I do with DF when he dies whether he's buried or cremated or "dumped in a skip". Lovely huh? She keeps insisting that I respect her wishes and that she's serious.
So I am torn! I don't want to visit two graves for my parents but I also want to respect my DMs wishes too. I feel manipulated and that my mum is not thinking about me and how he's my dad. I don't get on with my DSis but I reckon she'd tell me to respect DMs wishes even though she was always closer to DF. I don't think my DF knows what DM is asking me and he'd be angry and upset.
DM does keep talking about divorce but its never happened and never will. I'm so tired of it all and it distresses me.
I know DM has a will. I don't know if the will states her burial wishes. If so, can I ignore her burial wishes if its in the will?
WIBU to completely ignore DMs wishes and bury her with DF? or do I have to respect her wishes?

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Am I being unreasonable?

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SavannahLands · 12/05/2021 18:24

Sometimes it’s better to have separate single Graves with inscriptions with an acknowledgment of each of their close relatives. I made a Promise to my Mother that my Dad would eventually be buried in the same Grave as her, as at the time she was terminally ill with Cancer.

My Dad had not been very faithful to her whilst she was ill and had signed up to a Dating agency a few months before she died. This resulted in me no speaking to him for the following five years after he started sending me photographs of his ‘Dates’ and asking me to help him choose one, just a couple of weeks after my Mother’s funeral.
Within a year, he posted me a wedding invitation for his Marriage to this woman that he had known just a few months, l was totally heartbroken and chose to ignore it.

Fast forward 30 years, he becomes widowed again, 2nd wife’s family decide to bury her in the local churchyard in the village where they lived. They order a grave for two people, expecting my Dad to one day Join her. I said nothing to them regarding the promise that l had made to my own Mother. Dad finally Passes away, and leaves a note with his will to say that he doesn’t want to be buried in the same Graveyard as my Mother, where my Grand parents and Great Grandparents are buried too.
Do l was left with an awkward dilemma.
I chose to bury him in his local Churchyard, but alone, in a single Grave for one. The inscription and memorial stone was plain and simple, and used his Birth name, not the Snobby Double barrelled Name his second wife persuaded him to have, Husband, Father, and Grandfather, the year he was born, and the year he died, followed by R.I.P

My compromise was complete, and neither of his wives got their wish, although l suppose if my My mother had have realised how he had been behaving whilst she was ill she would not have wanted to be buried with him anyway!