DM and her wishes for when she dies

[ScotlandUnited]

Apologies if this posts several times as MN seems glitchy
Will try not to make this too long!
My parents are almost 50 years married, been together 55 years, since teenagers. DF went to university several times, very educated, worked his way up to become a director, won awards, travelled internationally for work etc. DM left school with no qualifications, worked in shops and as a cleaner and also a SAHM. Both parents are great parents.
As they got older, however, this difference in their education and employment experiences caused strains between them. DF's travel caused resentment with DM who was stuck at home. She did have the option to travel with him, but when she did, she was bored, as she did not understand the subject or feel that she fit in. Not really DFs fault. What was DFs fault however, is that he fell in with the after work / lunch time drinking mindset and over the years developed quite a bit of a drink problem that has continued since he retired. He still socialises with old colleages and rarely with my DM. My DM feels like he is a lodger and they have nothing in common anymore. She also struggles with his verbal aggression when he has had too much to drink.
I have basically been my mum's counsellor for years now. have had to listen to her say how much she 'hates' him and wishes he was dead. She shouts at me and dad if we discuss things like politics because its boring. So as I said some things are his fault, some things are not. My DF tends to keep his feelings to himself although they argue a lot, so loudly the neighbours hear and complain.
Staying out of it isn't an option without going NC but I love my parents. There are mostly good times but the bad can be bad. My DSis lives abroad and we don't get on. She's closer to my DF than to DM and I'm closer to DM (don't have much of an option as she treats me like her counsellor!)
Anyway, the reason I'm posting this is because DM is asking me to promise that when she dies, I've to bury her alongside DGF and DGM and not with DF. She says she "doesn't care" what I do with DF when he dies whether he's buried or cremated or "dumped in a skip". Lovely huh? She keeps insisting that I respect her wishes and that she's serious.
So I am torn! I don't want to visit two graves for my parents but I also want to respect my DMs wishes too. I feel manipulated and that my mum is not thinking about me and how he's my dad. I don't get on with my DSis but I reckon she'd tell me to respect DMs wishes even though she was always closer to DF. I don't think my DF knows what DM is asking me and he'd be angry and upset.
DM does keep talking about divorce but its never happened and never will. I'm so tired of it all and it distresses me.
I know DM has a will. I don't know if the will states her burial wishes. If so, can I ignore her burial wishes if its in the will?
WIBU to completely ignore DMs wishes and bury her with DF? or do I have to respect her wishes?

[minniemomo]

Ours also has only singles and doubles no triples

[minniemomo]

Depending on where her parents are buried, it might not be possible to fulfill her wishes anyway. Our graveyard for instance is full and closed, only graves with a single coffin can take ashes

[SatNightFever]

So she isn’t prepared to find the strength to leave him, and instead wants you to find that strength on her behalf after she’s gone. Making you give two fingers to your own dad. Putting you in an awful position at a time of your own grief.

Tell her to do her own dirty work. She is prepared to stay with him ( for familiarity? Income? Fear?) yet expects you to drop the bombshell of ‘splitting up’ after she’s gone .

Back off from being her confidante .

[Babyroobs]

You should do as she wishes. Surely it wont be a huge inconvenience to you to visit two separate graves ?

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

So sick of them fighting all the time, having to take sides, having to listen to mum talking about how she hated him ...

Again, why do you feel you have to do this? No doubt you'd support DM if she wanted to leave, but I'm not seeing any indication that this is likely, so what exactly are you supposed to do about it?

Also it's not clear whether you live with them? If so, that might be something worth reconsidering

[ScotlandUnited]

@AnotherKrampus thank you, you have more or less nailed the situation although I'm kind of religious and worry about coming across my mum in another life, then I try to tell myself that's silly.
Mum does have an active social life but I don't think she tells everyone how she feels or what's going on. Just me and as I'm not always there, its hard to know what's true. I do think she exaggerates it some times. I've also been party to her own bad temper at times.

[Giantrooster]

@Blossomtoes

As someone who’s lived with a verbally abusive alcoholic, she has my every sympathy. Unfortunately leaving a 50 year marriage must be close to impossible, it must be absolutely dreadful for her.

Do what she wants ffs. She’s had a life time of misery, why should she lie next to its source for all eternity to spare you the inconvenience of visiting two graves?

Poor bloody woman.

This

You seem to be all on your df's side. He's abusive and she is complaining and therefore a pain for you. It must be shit for her.

Next time she complains tell her your best advice AND then tell her 'if you don't want to do anything about your situation please stop offloading on me'.

Suggest councelling and get councelling yourself, but don't overrule her funeral wishes.

[AnotherKrampus]

I loathe this kind of toxic manipulation but then I was subjected to something like this a few years ago, which obviously colours my opinion. But I think one needs to put some of the drama aside; when she is dead, she will be none the bloody wiser. When someone very close to me was dying, they became very bitter and totally unreasonable about some stuff but got in a terrible state when I did not want to carry out their wishes. So, I promised (to her god) I would do it after her death, crossing my fingers behind my back. I did not do any of it because it was completely out of order to other people I felt loyalty to. Someone’s death wish does not trump all, especially when it consists of an ongoing pattern of manipulation and represents emotional blackmail. Also, I am an atheist, so the ‘contract’ is unenforceable...

However, I think you need to establish some basic self-care and put boundaries in place. Your mother is incredibly out of order to you, bordering on emotional abuse by subjected you to constant tirades about your father. I have outgrown some loved ones that failed to grow and refused to intellectually challenge themselves, so actually feel for your father, while not excusing his drunken rants. However, her ignorance is not anyone else’s fault. Her overall resentment about you and others talking about interesting subjects is really out of order and she needs to either put up and shut up or do something about it. I think you need to woman up and any time she starts slagging off your father from now on, just tell her firmly that you don't want to hear it. It's really rather shocking that she hasn't built up some sort of social life of her own, to vent elsewhere. Yet, none of that is any of your problem or business.

[Cocomarine]

Very unfair of your mother to dump all her hatred for your father on you.

But I’m hearing, “my mum doesn’t went to be buried with a man who drunkenly verbally abused her, but I’m annoyed because I don’t want the hassle of going to 2 graves.” (to which I say: YABU)

[Palavah]

I would strongly encourage you to seek some counselling yourself. It is a horrible situation to have one parent tell you all the failings of thw other and to walk on eggshells for fear of everything coming apart.

The way you write about this situation makes it clear that you have a lot of unresolved emotion about this situation and you would benefit from feeling heard.

[NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNC]

I don't think your mum is being fair to you and if I were you I'd be shutting down these conversations. If she wants to stay in her marriage that's fine but it's not fair for her to expect you to engage with her misery. I feel for you, OP.

[CovidSmart]

l know he'd be very upset if he knew what DM was saying.

That is an issue between the two of them. It’s not yours to sort out.

I think you have been the counsellor and support for your mum for too long and boundaries have blurred. She is using you to have things done her way wo having to face actually talking to her husband.
You are so used to be somehow involved in their quarrels that you want to take decisions that aren’t yours to take iyswim

[CovidSmart]

Where she is buried or whether she is buried or cremated is none of your decision.

If your mum wants to be buried with your dgm, then so be it

As others have said, the issue would be if she dies first and hasn’t said a word to anyone else, incl your DF.

[Helenluvsrob]

Well they’ll all be dead so I’m not sure it matters that much. I have no interest in visiting graves .
Agree now and decide when the time comes.

[rach2713]

I'm sorry but some of these comments are pretty cold hearted. If her mum wants to be buried with her parents then that's her right and wish to do so. For you to turn round and say you don't want to go to two different graves is pretty sad and disrespectful...

[ScotlandUnited]

I have asked her, numerous times over the years. I've begged her to leave him, not because I want her to but because I so sick of them fighting all the time, having to take sides, having to listen to mum talking about how she hated him and how much money she had in an apparent 'private' account to help her escape. She never did. This has been going on since at least my teenage years. I think they do actually love each other, despite mum saying she hates him. I think there's an element of her really missing my DGM who died a few years ago. DGM actually loved my DF to bits and I know if she were here to hear mum say things like this my DGM would be totally against the idea. As for those who say why not visit two graves - I want to see my parents in the same place. Remember them at the same time. Talk to them at the same time. My paternal great grandparents are in separate graves and I know DF doesn't like that. GGM killed herself and this was seen by her husband's family as shameful so she was buried separately in an unmarked grave. DF always thought that was cruel. I know he'd be very upset if he knew what DM was saying.

[Bul21ia]

Have you asked your mum why she never left? Infact your dad too OP... why didn’t he leave your mum?

[Oblomov21]

How can you not? Respect her wishes and bury her where she wants to be buried.

All the other posts saying bury her where it suits you are

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

She has threatened tonight to put it in her will if I don't agree to her wishes.

‘Threatened’ to? Or simply told you what she wants to happen when she dies, and that she’ll be putting measures in place to ensure it happens.

[OwlTwitterings]

I'm personally not a fan of cremation. I'd like somewhere to visit although DM says "you won't bother visiting me so what does it matter where I'm buried".

The more you post, the more everything is all about you.

I think you should tell your mum you can’t be trusted to carry out her wishes so she needs to do her own preparations (she can buy her plot and pay for it, or arrange for her own cremation) and instruct someone to ensure this goes ahead. It’ll come out of your inheritance, but seems to be the only way for her to get what she wants.

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

I think you’d have to be an absolute arse to not follow your own mother’s wishes regarding her burial because ‘I don’t want to 😣’ I don’t buy all this ‘It won’t matter when she’s dead’ crap. If you can’t have a day that’s all about you and your wishes when you die, when the hell can you?

My gran wished to be buried in an eco coffin that looked like a hamper, my mum and her siblings took one look at the ridiculous price And put her in the same type of coffin my grandpa had. She’s not come back to haunt them.

That’s a cost issue, not a deliberate disregard for her wishes. If your gran wanted an expensive coffin, she should have made financial provision for it. That was her mistake. Deliberately making a different choice just because it’s inconvenient or not what you would have wanted is another matter entirely.

[ScotlandUnited]

DM has a funeral plan to pay for it so she says and she has a will but has confirmed today that where she will be buried is not in the will. She has threatened tonight to put it in her will if I don't agree to her wishes.

DM is late 60s. She could live another 30 years.

[Blossomtoes]

I wouldn't call DF abusive

You said he’s verbally aggressive. That’s abuse. And you won’t have seen the half of it.

[ScotlandUnited]

Hi all, apologies again for the double posting due to MN glitch.

I wouldn't call DF abusive although he does pick arguments a lot when he's had a lot to drink. Sober he's a real wimp and my DM scares me more than he does - she throws plates at him and smashes his guitar. She has a history of depression. Its a very difficult situation sometimes.

DM was very close to my DGM and wants to be with her. She has a plot and I think 3 can be buried in there.

DFs parents plot is full. He can't be buried there.

I'm personally not a fan of cremation. I'd like somewhere to visit although DM says "you won't bother visiting me so what does it matter where I'm buried".

[GabsAlot]

As others have said it might not be your decisionanyway but if it is why cant you visit two seprate graves

a family member went against her daughters wishes when she died because she didnt want to travel to a different cemetery i thought it was out of order