What do I do about DD?

[cantsleepforthinking]

Back history - I was in a very abusive and controlling relationship, I left nearly 3 years ago. My DD who is 20 suffered at my ex's hands - not physically but emotionally as we all did. He's not her father.

My DC and I only have each other. I left the relationship, I have been working hard on us healing, I got us counselling, but DD refused it.

She went off to uni I am on a low income so she got full assistance. I topped up her money each month for the first 2 years about £120 per month on top of which I pay for her phone every month. My income has been improving. I discovered be default that the extra money I had been sending her she's been supporting herself and her boyfriend - he get less assistance than her as his parents are very wealthy but they won't send him any extra money.

She asked me at Christmas to pay a deposit for her to go on holiday with friends- the agreement was that if I did she would get no extra cash for the rest of the year as she needs to learn to budget - she had a holiday last year, but her siblings and I couldn't due to finances. This was agreed to.

At Christmas we had a huge row. I had started to see someone fairly tentatively, a friend I'd known for a while.
She said she didn't want me to ever have another relationship again. Thought it was selfish of me to consider it. I explained that my relationship was different- I wasn't planning on getting remarried or even moving in together. It was more of a friendship and would have no impact on her life whatsoever.
She then accused me of backing off and not speaking to her very much. I explained that yes I had because I was constantly being told off by her, everything I said was wrong, that she constantly criticised what I said and did and that I felt a need to protect myself from her as I felt like I was back in a controlling relationship. She shouted at me 'Are you suggesting that I'm like X?' I said yes in someways yes. She was angry and I explained that that is how she made me feel at times. She's a very big character and when at home we all tip toe around her - have to have music off at certain times. Buy certain things she likes at the shop. Cook what she particularly likes for dinners.

We resolved the argument, I remained calm and explained to her she would always have a home, she would always come first.

All was fine, until feb - I have to leave our current home - it's too big, expensive and in the middle of nowhere. I suffer with terrible anxiety due to ex breaking in and the horrible things that happened here. So thought a move would be ideal for all of us.

I found a house, showed DD she said I was disgusting and a tramp for looking at this house. That she's never coming home that I need to apologise to her for what I said at Christmas and that I am filth.
The house was nice - I decided not to take it not due to DD. She's cross I'm not getting a house like her BF - with pool etc. I'm a single mum doing my best with no help.
She's blocked me on everything. She unblocks me to send abusive messages- which I can't read, DS reads them so I know she's ok.
I did message her to say sorry. She's not acknowledged it.
I am still paying her phone bill. I sent her money for Easter.
I have had 10-15 abusive messages in the last 48 hours - AND THEN a message last night saying she moving putting me down as guarantor and that I had better not leave her homeless.

Sorry this is long. AIBU in not reading the messages, arguing or engaging. I have had enough of them from ex. I am sick of being her whipping boy.

I have apologised on numerous occasions for what she went through with my ex. I have promised her it won't happen again.

DS says he's shocked that she would demand an apology for what said because what's she's sent to me is absolutely disgusting.

Cut her off. No more money, no phone and don't be guarantor for the new place.
Send her a message via letter if no other option saying you are always here for her if she wants to repair the relationship and you would like to work on it. Then wait. It will be a while but hopefully as she matures she will realise how wrong she has been. It will be hard but you can't allow yourself to be mistreated by her any longer.

Sorry you are going through this.

Sorry I don't have any advice, but she is an adult now and she is treating you horribly. She gets the full maintenance loan which is actually enough to live off for most students. You are being very generous giving her extra money.
I understand that you feel guilty about everything that happened and are trying to make up for it, but it wasn't your fault. Her behaviour is unlikely to change unless she gets help or you change your behaviour.

In truth, I think it is fairly bad to say she is like your previous abuser. I think you should apologise for that.

A lot of her behaviour is clearly unreasonable. But a lot of her distress is related to you having not protected her from being abused by your ex so I can understand why she is angry (I am not suggesting this was deliberate in any way).

I think, as the parent, you should probably apologise for your part and then maintain boundaries calmly (it is clearly up to you whether you have a boyfriend or where you live). Also, is there any chance that it is coming across that you prefer your ds?

@Stompythedinosaur I did send her a message.
I said sorry for what I said and that I shouldn't have said it. I said sorry for upsetting her, for the hurt. I said sorry for us being the way we are. I said sorry that we weren't talking.

DD by far and away gets the most attention, money, interaction and my time than her siblings.
My DS is a very different character and is very much like me, we're very laid back and people pleasers, which she acknowledges.

Oh op how horrible for you,but l am sorry you need to show some tough love.
Send her a letter explaining that she is your DD and means the world to you and always will...BUT she is now an independent adult and needs to pay her bills, and manage her life accordingly, therefore you will not be paying her bills (as her boyfriends parents have done)
Also say very firmly that you do not deserve her abuse and under no circumstances will it be tolerated, your door will always be open as long as she is polite and respectful, otherwise you will not accept her calls and block any texts.

She has been shown this abusive behaviour, but now needs to learn it is unacceptable full stop.

Be prepared to have no contact for a while, whilst she reflects and realises you are not putting up with it, and she learns to stop being a brat and be a decent person again.

You have to be strong op, if she comes over, the MOMENT she is rude tell her calmly to leave, and mean it.
The moment she texts you rude comments, block her for a week, tell her at the beginning that is what is going to happen.
She can recontact you after a week if she is going to be pleasant.
I would send her regular letters, telling her all the good things you wish for her and reiterating all the good times you have had, so she knows the door is open and she is loved but she cannot abuse you.(See above)
Good luck op, l realise it will be hard but you have to sort this.

Oh and buy the house you want and have the relationship you want !

Your daughter has NO RIGHT to dictate how you live your life. She sounds horrible to be honest. You've apologised, and there's nothing more that you can do. If my DD were sending me abusive messages and ignoring me after all that I'd helped her with, I would completely cut her off until she decided to grow up. Don't bow to her demands. She is being very abusive, controlling and ungrateful.

I have also apologised to each of the children for what my ex did to them and my failures to them. I have tried to make amends to each of them. I have got counselling for myself as those that would accept it.
I have tried to make amends for it all.

She sounds abusive. Probably because what she went through. Stop paying for her and put that money towards therapy.

I suspect this story could sound very different from her perspective. It’s not at all okay for her to be abusive to you but I think you are unreasonable to say things like you’re not engaging with her messages because ‘you’ve had enough of them from ex’. I really wouldn’t see it like that if I had been abused by a boyfriend my mother chose. And pulling back from her at the same time as getting a new boyfriend that she’s upset about...I’m not saying her behaviour is okay, but it definitely sounds like there could be a very different side to this story.

Your 20 year old daughter does not get to dictate where you live or who you date. End of.

Agree with other posters, apologies for saying she’s like your ex, tell her how much you love her but that rudeness and threatening behaviour has no place in either of your lives. If she’s rude or demanding, tell her and block and ignore until she can be pleasant

You have done and are doing, your best. That’s all anyone can ask. She is now an adult and needs to grow up and act like one. Have the house you want. Have the relationship you want. For goodness sake do NOT agree, or sign anything, about being a guarantor for her.

I would not send her any more money or pay her phone bill. I would also move and not tell her where I am . Do not be a guarantor.

I would pay for nothing but therapy.

She has clearly suffered great emotional damage following your partner's abuse and I understand her anger in not being prioritised as a vulnerable child. You are both victims here.

I'm not sure you will ever be able to row back from saying she is like the person who has caused her so much pain, especially as you were the one who failed to remove her to a place of safety. I understand how hard it can be to leave. But I think this relationship may have had toon much thrown at it.

To

Unfortunately she was brought up in an abusive household due to decisions you made. No doubt she wanted to be saved from this situation but instead you stayed. It’s sounds like you saying you are starting another relationship triggered something in her and she had gotten very nasty - has she ever had counselling for her terrible childhood? It sounds like she is older than your DS - maybe he was less aware of what was happening and she got the brunt of it?

Unfortunately I would say she is now a product of her upbringing and is lashing out at you and mimicking behaviour she saw in your household growing up.

Jesus OP how to alienate your DD.

Of course she doesn't want you having a new relationship, I think that is a totally understandable reaction from her given the history.

I think telling her she is like your ex is fairly unforgivable.

@MiddleParking I do understand what you mean - hence my question. I didn't start pulling away when I started seeing someone. It's something I have had to do periodically with her anyway. She herself says she can't stay with me for too long as we both end up falling out.
We are both very very different people which she acknowledges. She herself says she's opinionated and abrupt. She lacks a filter and says things without thinking or considering consequences. She refers to me as a doormat and a push over. Which to a large degree I am.

I don't want to read the messages as I know the content will be vindictive and cruel. I am trying to heal myself and be strong for my other children and don't think that for my sake or theirs that being called a tramp, c*nt, embarrassment, or things like it will do me any good or my relationship with DD.

@cantsleepforthinking you don’t need to read the messages but your focus seems to be on you - you healing, you moving to a new home, you having a new relationship. Your daughter is clearly struggling and needs help. She is a product of an abusive upbringing which you made the choice to give to her now it sounds like you want to wash your hands of her as she has turned out to be horrible like your ex.

Two different issues . You should not have compared her to the ex but you need to stop apologising to her all the time. Also do not include her in YOUR decisions. If you can't afford the house you move and that is your new home and she will be welcome. I am sure she does not expect you to have a house with a pool.

Secondly do not drag your DS into the row with DD. Itvis not his argument. Leave then to conduct their own relationship.

Stop the money flow. Stop the phone. Do not be guarantor. She will soon realise that actually she does need you.

[quote ForeverAintEnough12]@cantsleepforthinking you don’t need to read the messages but your focus seems to be on you - you healing, you moving to a new home, you having a new relationship. Your daughter is clearly struggling and needs help. She is a product of an abusive upbringing which you made the choice to give to her now it sounds like you want to wash your hands of her as she has turned out to be horrible like your ex.[/quote]
This. You have nothing nice to say about her. She's your daughter. She is being vile and pushing you away because that what you're doing to her. She sounds incredibly hurt.

I would reply that as you only ever hear from her with abusive messages, you aren't going to be her guarantor as you feel a lot of bridges would need to be built first.

I know she's your DD but she's treating you appallingly and you don't deserve it

Do not be a guarantor for her, she could get you into a big financial mess. I’d also stop paying her phone bill. It’s about time she gave you the respect you deserve

I merely tried to explain my position. I am aware I have made some horrible choices in life, hence asking advice as I don't want to make a mistake again.

For the last 3 years I have not said no to anything she's requested. I've tried to get her counselling, also for us as a family.
I've always been there for her. And always will be. I've said as much and shown her as much too.

I have only said I don't think listening to abuse is helpful. I would listen to her till the cows come home if it were a conversation, but telling me I'm a tramp for not getting a 5 bedroom house I don't think is fair.

I have explained I have a budget and I have to live within that.

She is who she is because of her past.
You have probably overcompensated for that over the years, which is why she behaves like she does now.
Sorry OP, but you do need to take some responsibility for this.