Divorcing my husband 6 month baby

[Tiredmum2021]

Hi there,

I moved to Kent for husband who works in London. My family live in Dorset. I had an extremely traumatic birth (MP got involved) and he got angry I only could face having one more child as opposed to the many more we originally planned. He has not been the family man he sold me, he has done the opposite of be emotionally supportive and just made me feel weak and pathetic. I have felt extremely lonely and longed to live closer to my Mum who I am very close too. He wants me to work two days a week when I got back despite there being plenty of money to not to have to do this. I will have to travel to my parents two hours away as I don’t want her to go to nursery before she is 2 (personal choice, no judgement). This would mean I was away three days a week. He keeps putting pressure to have a second one and that he might divorce me (small chance) anyway if I had just two. It has got to the point that for me to stay with him, I would want to permanently relocate to Dorset. He works in risk as an analyst. I have said he can live in Kent then at the weekends come down to a house near
Southampton until he got a job which meant he could live there during the week too. It’s the only
way I would be secure and get the support I needed. He is not compromising at al and saying
That because he bought this house nearly a year ago that he doesn’t want to leave now and that he could get a wife he comes back to every evening who would stay in Kent. I still love him and have a six month old daughter with him but if he doesn’t understand my need to move closer to my family after everything that has happened then that’s
It. Am I being unreasonable?

[Palaver1]

It not likely to work such unrealistic demands on both of you.
I’m looking into the future .
You would both need some sort of marriage guidance support,
You also need support to address the traumatic birth,
It’s easy for us looking in to give advice ,only you can decide on what you want but don’t do anything that will make you resentful and unhappy.
I

[MaMaD1990]

It sounds like compromises are needed on both sides here and it's unfortunate that they are all surrounding big life decisions. Firstly, its absolutely your right to say when or if you want another child but it is also his right to feel upset about not having as many as he wanted. It's fair for him to ask you to work as well, although you think money is fine, he may not want to be the only earner (what if he lost his job? What would happen then?) and its not uncommon for there to be money issues hidden from a wife. You are putting yourself between a rock and hard place with regards to childcare. This is a decision you both need to decide on and if you won't budge, I can imagine he is feeling quite upset. Some of his comments aren't nice though and I would probably recommend some coubciling to see if you can work through your troubles. It sounds like you are both quite upset and angry and words are possibly being said from an angry place and not really meant. Get some professional help and see how the land lays.

[Babyboomtastic]

When you say that he's not properly supporting your, do you mean he's not pulling his weight as a parent, is do you mean he's not financially wanting to support you bring a SAHM?

[drpet49]

You sound as bad as each other. You both have weird hang ups, both want everything your way, neither willing to negotiate or think from the other's perspective. It's just a shame you brought a child into this disaster of a marriage.

I agree with this. You both sound as bad as each other. Why are you so reliant on help from your family?

[silverstrawberry]

He sounds controlling and possibly wants you to have many kids to keep you tied to him he sounds like my ex they control your work schedule and the amount of children you have so you won't have a chance to leave them

[Tiredmum2021]

This all started when less than two months after I had her and said I could only face doing this once more (I wouldn’t if was by myself) that he said I had trapped him and fuc* him over! Just to give an idea of the level of emotional support I have received. He has deliberately held back practical support on many occasions as a result which I why I need the support from my family. To me, it should be immaterial where we live when I am
This unbelievably unhappy and he can still have his job in London. I have suggested until he sold the house in Kent that we got a place near my parents as I have savings and he came down Thurs night and worked from home Friday and stayed the weekends. Lots of Men who work in London do this anyway and on top of that he is looking for a new job anyway which could be closer so he could commute from our new location. It’s not ideal at all but the only way I can stay in this marriage. If he might divorce me because two kids doesn’t count then I want to be fully near family as a single Mum.

[Tiredmum2021]

Thank you all for your responses. I just wanted to
add that I haven’t demanded we moved from
Kent straight away. It could be two years then we looked for a compromise of somewhere closer to
my parents. I don’t judge others at all for getting one but i would feel uneasy using a childminder I didn’t know when she can’t talk yet. I don’t know anyone properly in the area so don’t trust anyone’s recommendation either. Perhaps I am being overprotective but can’t help
It! I wanted to
Do the two hour trip to my folks so I could work from home and they looked after her from there. Tbh it is the last straw as originally I could compromise living in Kent as I thought I would be properly supported by him. The fact is I haven’t been and I did also want lots of children but didn’t factor in such an awful birth!! Two kids should still
count even if originally he wanted something like

1. I thought I would mean enough to him. I wouldn’t just be moving from Kent because I ‘missed my Mummy’. He also said lots of times
   

Before when discussing having five kids that I could have time off work. I’m not expecting never to go back, it’s because when the cost nannies etc involved anyway my salary would make barely
Any difference! Not at all because I just feel entitled. He can have the same commute from
Somewhere closer to my parents. He can’t provide me the basic emotional stability
I was sold. I don’t want to separate the family
Unit as do want to do what’s best for my daughter and I want him to see her as much as possible which is why I have suggested this. Thanks again xx

[Everyday21]

Had you discussed childcare before you had a child? I agree in part on the nursery thing, I wouldnt send my children until they could speak properly but your op hints that you want to be a sahm indefinitely which your dh shouldn't have to support.

My children went to my mum until they were 2.5 but my mum already lived close to us.

He sounds abusive though and the things he has said are awful. I think youd be better off divorcing

[DailyCandy]

Don’t bother with counselling. He’s a pathetic bastard and you will be well rid of him.

[moochingtothepub]

There's bits here where he is being unreasonable and parts where you are. Having another child so soon, even if discussed prior to giving birth to dc1 should not be pressurised, circumstances change, but equally it's unreasonable for you to not want to work or use childcare local to you, surely this was discussed? It also seems he's open to moving at some point, but because you haven't long moved he wants to wait a bit (reasonable). The unreasonable comments made to you seem to be ones in an argument

[SmeleanorSmellstrop]

Also YABU to move to Dorset and break up your family and let him be just a weekend dad. Being near your mum won't help you recover from a traumatic birth, you need professional help. He DOES sound vile, but if I moved to a new place so that I could work, and my husband refused to work but also decided he wanted to leave me to work alone and provide for a family I won't even see for 5 days a week, I'd be angry too.

[SmeleanorSmellstrop]

He's being unreasonable re: convincing you to hage another baby after what you've been through.

You're being unfair refusing to work part time and insisting on being a SAHM, therefore forcing all financial responsibility to him. You're also being ridiculous and irrational saying you need to travel for 2 hours instead of put your child in child care 2 days a week hardly going to traumatise her and seema like you're being unnecessarily difficult regarding this.

But he sounds awful so I'd LTB.

[givemesteel]

For goodness sake why does the OP sound horrible when she wants to move closer to her mum to get some support, which is obviously lacking in her marriage?

When they moved to Kent she obviously thought he was going to be a better husband and dad.

OP, get together as much info as you can on your finances, discretely speak to a divorce lawyer (I would pay for an appointment not just the free chat) and get an idea of the sort of settlement you'd get from divorcing. You need to make the decision with your eyes open (eg smaller house, less income etc).

[Aprilx]

He sounds horrible, but frankly so do you for different reasons. I don’t even understand why you are together, you are not a team, you are not on the same page about anything. You would probably both be better with divorce.

[CloudFormations]

He sounds horrible. 6 months pp is way too soon for him to be pressuring you about further children, and his comments about getting a different wife are shit.

I think you are being unreasonable in some of your views - it’s really not feasible for you to refuse childcare and rely on your family who are miles away, and that topic should really have been discussed before you had a baby. I also don’t think it’s fair for one party to decide they don’t want to work - it can put a lot of pressure on the other party to be the sole earner. But neither of these things make you abusive, whereas his behaviour is bullying and horrible.

[Josette77]

You both are unreasonable and disrespectful. I'm not sure how it will work.

[FuckYouCorona]

I do think you should divorce. You don't respect each others views. Good luck.

[HeyDemonsItsYaGirl]

You sound as bad as each other. You both have weird hang ups, both want everything your way, neither willing to negotiate or think from the other's perspective. It's just a shame you brought a child into this disaster of a marriage.

[Yellownotblue]

The two of you need counselling. You are not communicating effectively and clearly you don’t have the same goals right now. Please get couple therapy before you make harsh choices that will have a permanent impact on your family unit.

[OldLang]

You're both unreasonable, although he has gone further into abusive from your OP.
Either parent staying at home needs to be a unanimous decision. You shouldn't get to decide this on everyone's behalf. You're also unreasonable to put what you want over what's actually best for your daughter.

Having said that, the more serious issue is his emotional abuse of gaslighting of you. No one should live like this and I'd tell him that he's very welcome to attempt finding this fictional perfect woman who'd happily become a Stepford Wife. Neither of you are happy and neither of you seem to prioritise your child's needs.

[Hankunamatata]

Lots of issues. You knew he lived in Kent, did you not discuss this before marriage and baby?

Pressure to have more babies isnt ok and totally weird talking about divorce if you dont produce more.

Dont think he is being unreasonable wanting you to go back to work, again didnt you discuss this pre marriage and baby? I think yabu with childcare - its not workable - you need to look at childminder or nanny.

[Heyahun]

You are being totally unreasonable to expect to just be a stay at up me parent and have him fund it! And your thing about no nursery until 2 is weird- childminder or nanny then?? Why is parents the only option.

But he does sound horrible - the pressure to have loads of kids etc and threatening divorce - wtf

Deffo just leave tbh

[Thedogscollar]

Goodness OP what on earth is there to love about this horrible man?

Seriously from what you have said in your OP I'd be booking my appointment for divorce lawyer.

[nimbuscloud]

This is terrible

[Babyboomtastic]

Just to say, I certainly don't sure with him putting any pressure on you whatsoever to have more children. If you want to stop at one, or have two that's fine and he shouldn't push you. Equally, though, although he should never pressure your, it's not something he is obliged to live with either, and if it's that important to him, then that'll have to be a decision that he makes.

But these are decisions for the future but 6m pp. Not by a country mile.