In thinking this isn't normal?

[Minkyscamp]

Discussion with my mum earlier trying to arrange a bbq for this weekend after not having spoken to her for a few days:

Mum: shall we do Saturday or Sunday?
Me: Sunday would be better as I have to take DS to the hospital on Saturday. He was in A&E yesterday with a problem with his foot, and they want to see him again tomorrow - no idea how long that will take.
Mum: ok, Sunday then. How much chicken shall I bring?

Then the conversation continued about the bbq and that was it. No 'Oh I hope he's ok now?' or what was wrong?'. She has no natural empathy at all ( or interest in her grandkids for that matter). It's been an ongoing gripe, but this really pissed me off.

It's not normal is it?

I can imagine myself doing that! In fact I have done very similar. When I'm in task focused mode my brain filters out information that's not relevant to the task at hand.

Confession: I didn't even notice what was wrong with your conversation till I read down the thread! My brain was focusing on the barbecue bit and I was expecting some CF weirdness about that, I didn't even notice the hospital bit. (I read very fast, but I NEVER figure out whodunnit.)

You'll know if your mum tends to be like this, OP, maybe she really doesn't GAF but maybe it's just how her brain works and you could make allowances for her when you communicate.

Aibu is not the best place to post if you're feeling wobbly. I hope your son will be ok, and maybe consider reducing contact with your mum if shes consistently hard work.

My mum got a bit like this as she got older. It wasn’t that she didn’t care more like she could only keep one thing in her mind at once.
So in the above scenario she would be fretting about the change from picnic to BBQ and worrying about how much chicken to get. It wouldn’t really sink in that one j on f my DC’s had been to hospital.

Maybe you’re one of those people who is always going on about trivial medical things and she is trying not to feed into your hypochondria

Hypochondria-by-proxy then. If you’re always going on about health problems, she probably fednup of hearing about it and doesn’t want to encourage you

Sometimes you have to read the posts in here more than once to check that it's not your imagination ! Only in Mumsnet !!

Crikey OP, you've got some weird replies on here. Hypochondriac? For mentioning to your mum that her GC had been to A&E? Okaaaaay.

My parents are both like this (and so was I until I very lovely older friend taught me how to be more empathetic), it's disappointing but it's just the way they are, they won't change.

Yanbu op weird responses on here. As a vrandmotger being told her grandson had been in a and e and needed to go back the least you can do is ask if he is ok. Also the conversation wasnt weird at all it sounded like a bog standard conversation so no idea why people are trying to make out you're the weirdo here.

You are nbu, but it seems to be an ongoing problem.

I'm sorry to say that I would have gone 'oh my God bla bla' and probably have forgotten to arrange the BBQ.

Or it was so casually put, I wouldn't have registered, put the phone down, realized and called straight up again 😳.

Hope you dc is okey though.

@Minkyscamp - I take it your dm is always lacking in empathy, as otherwise I would write it off as someone focusing on arranging a barbecue on a very hot day and not really listening to the reason why Sunday is better. To be fair, the way you dropped it into conversation is very odd if your ds was in A&E for anything serious, anyway, as the way you write it and therefore maybe said it, it sounds likely to be a very minor issue with his foot that was only worth mentioning in passing, tbh! Yes, I would have asked after your ds, but as a social nicety to show I cared, not because I expected the reason for the A&E visit to be anything noteworthy. Also, how old is your mum? Is she getting to an age where focusing on random changes of subject in the middle of a sentence are harder to keep up with?

No, I don't think that's normal either. I would expect her to ask what the problem was and was DC ok straight away.

The fact you hadn't already told her the day before speaks volumes. You knew she wouldn't be interested and she wasn't. Such a shame, op. I would go low contact with her. It's not normal behaviour at all.

It sounds as if there is a backstory here op. I don't think it's U to expect someone to react with "oh no, poor DGC! Is he ok?" or similar.

I can imagine a fast paced conversation and me just trying to get the info across and then later thinking "huh, why didn't she ask about DC and his foot"? I don't think you are being U.

What's "normal' anyway? I'd be interested in her MBTI type - I would put money on her being an xNTx.

Then the conversation continued about the bbq and that was it. No 'Oh I hope he's ok now?' or what was wrong?'. She has no natural empathy at all ( or interest in her grandkids for that matter). It's been an ongoing gripe, but this really pissed me off.

If (for example) the cause of this behaviour was autism, it wouldn’t likely be that your DM doesn’t have empathy, but more that she doesn’t know how to express the empathy that she feels. It’s hard to understand, but it’s true. Ditto interest in the DGC. So bear that in mind.

It’s not normal. My aunt is exactly the same & it’s wearying.

I hope the follow up appointment goes well

The fact you hadn't already told her the day before speaks volumes. You knew she wouldn't be interested and she wasn't.

I agree completely. If a daughter and mother have any kind of close relationship, the daughter would have told her mum about her child the day the incident happened, at least by sending a text.

Some of these MN replies are utterly ridiculous. Of course the person told about a child going to A&E would respond with, ' Oh I hope they are ok - what happened?'. I, and every other normal person, would do that for a casual acquaintance, let alone a friend, let alone a grandchild.

YANBU OP, and the posters on here are.

I wouldn't have responded with "Is he OK?" as to me that would have been an illogical response - you'd already said the status of the possible injury and that it needed to be seen again, so I would have assumed there wasn't any more information for now. I wouldn't have thought you were upset about it and needed supportive noises made, because you dropped it in as part of a conversation about practicalities rather than calling about it specifically. I probably would have ended the conversation with a comment like "hope it goes OK with X's foot tomorrow" and I would have asked more about it on Sunday when I saw you.

If she just isn't the same sort of person as you, and there's a gulf of misunderstanding, then it's up to you to communicate to her how you want her to interact differently. You can't expect her to just pick it up.

I think it's difficult to judge when there is obviously back stories. I think if it was my mum I would have at the very least texted her the day before. The way you worded it in the OP made it sound like you casually dropped it in the conversation, but it's probably complicated, I understand why you feel upset.

YANBU - that to me is not a normal response from your mum

@helloareyouthere

Some of these MN replies are utterly ridiculous. Of course the person told about a child going to A&E would respond with, ' Oh I hope they are ok - what happened?'. I, and every other normal person, would do that for a casual acquaintance, let alone a friend, let alone a grandchild.

YANBU OP, and the posters on here are.

Agreed. AIBU is bizarre today. Must be the heat.

Some of these MN replies are utterly ridiculous. Of course the person told about a child going to A&E would respond with, ' Oh I hope they are ok - what happened?'. I, and every other normal person, would do that for a casual acquaintance, let alone a friend, let alone a grandchild.

YANBU OP, and the posters on here are.

Op: aibu that i told my mother my son was in a&e and she ignored it and didnt even ask how he was?

Mn: yabu and a weirdo, you are a hyperchondriac and your dm is clearly bored of you and ds's shinanigans and also the way you talk is strange normal people dont even say hello to answer the phone they just automatically launch into a story.

Fucking weird.

YANBU

I read your transcript, and when I saw "A&E", the first thought that popped in my head was "oh no, is he OK?". I would have said so immediately in a conversation. It's ingrained.

However, judging by the 1st responses you got here, it's clear that some other people at least share your mum's lack of empathy (or basic manners?)... and unsurprisingly they all lurk on AIBU?

@FourPlasticRings

For now, these hot days, is the mad blood stirring...and if we meet I fear we won't escape a fray...

Or, something like that!

MaskingForIt what are you on about?

Honestly, there are some right twats on AIBU these days.

Yeah to be fair if any of my children need hospital treatment I always make sure I tell my parents at the time (if it’s important to me that they know), otherwise they genuinely wouldn’t be bothered.
I know that sounds harsh but they have their own lives and assume if it’s important I’ll let them know.