My dad thinks neighbours are calling him a pedophile, can't take much more.

[theclockwinder]

A small bit of back story, my dad is 62 and was diagnosed with the early onset of Alzheimer's around 6 months ago, which has been fucking heartbreaking for our family. I haven't really unpacked it all because if I do I don't think I'll stop crying. I know what this disease will do to him after working in a dementia/mental health care setting for almost 7 years. My dad has been pretty stable but for the past few weeks he's been super paranoid, and getting worse.

My poor mum's rang me in tears tonight - he's adamant their neighbours have been calling him a pedophile and he's overheard them say that man needs sorting. He's said that they're taking his picture and sending it to people. He's obviously not a pedophile or a bad man, but he's adamant that's what he's heard. And now he's had an argument with my mum because she doesn't believe him and is trying to gently tell him he's being irrational.

I'm fucking heartbroken my dad is going through it. But even more heart broken it's my mum whose dealing with it predominantly. I have a young DS who is 9 months so my time is pretty much all consumed by him. I try to get over as much as possible though. She's never been around dementia and she's finding it really hard. She doesn't know what to say hence telling him he's wrong about the things he's saying.

Not really sure what I'm asking - just need to vent. Feeling so heartbroken about it all. He's 62 for fuck sakes.

Strange that some of you are saying that going along with it is bad advice. We were told by MH experts to smile and nod at my grandad. Trying to persuade him of his irrationality would have been unfair. Distraction worked for a while but once he'd got beyond distracting the easiest thing to do was go along with it. He used to think he was on a cruise, who were we to say he wasn't!

After far too much experience of dementia in two relatives, I’m afraid to say that I never found that the so often recommended distraction never worked, or at least not for more than about 30 seconds, not when the person had some insistent, angry bee buzzing in their head. .It used to drive me mad when people recommended the ‘nice cup of tea and a biscuit’ strategy - as if I was too thick to think of anything so simple.

The only way I (eventually) found to cope with the ‘angry bee’ was to go along with it as far as possible, so when e.g. my mother was angrily insistent that a neighbour or relative had stolen something, I’d say, e.g. ‘Dear me, that’s terrible, I had no idea, I’ll get on to the police/a solicitor first thing tomorrow.’ This would have to be repeated ad lib given that by then her short term memory was zero. But it would always pacify her for the moment.

I came to give not a toss if it was ‘lying’ . On the Alz. Soc. forum for carers of people with dementia they’re known as ‘love lies’ - as far as humanly possible you say whatever is going to keep the poor sufferer happy, or at least reasonably contented, for the moment.

But as with many such carers, it took me quite a while to realise that logical reasoning is so often useless when a person with dementia has got some fantastic notion, which you know cannot possibly be true, into their head.

Huge sympathy for you and your mum Theclockwinder. The advice about checking for any other physical problems is good. As your dad is so young, have you been in contact with Young Dementia?

www.youngdementiauk.org/support-friendship-online

There is a bit on their website where you can check for services in your local area too but I wondered if you or your mum might find some of the online resources they suggest helpful.

In some areas there are specialist dementia nurses called Admiral nurses. They would support your mum, especially in terms of practical advice. Lots of neighbours might be familiar with someone with dementia saying their purse has been stolen but this is a much more sensitive topic so some professional advice would definitely help.

The Carers Trust is another resource that could help your mum. They have Carers Centres where your mum could get lots of practical advice, including a benefits check as your day may be eligible for Attendance Allowance.

[[https://carers.org/]]

There are other Carer Centres (sometimes called Carers Hubs) run by other organisations so google carer support and the place your parents live to find if there is one in your area.

Who diagnosed your dad? It's not good enough to diagnose someone and then not make sure your mum and dad have support

You have my sympathy. Alzheimer's is fucking hard to deal with. I won't say anything more on that because you obviously are well aware of the effects it has given your profession.

If I was your mum I would probably stop telling him that he's wrong about the neighbours. There isn't anything that she can say to him that will make him understand that it isn't true. It is his reality. Brushing it to one side may work better- perhaps a "yes, but we've already dealt with it, remember? Anyway, shall we see what's on the tv?". When he's having one of his episodes it's best to just nod along as much as is possible.

He may well drop this eventually and move on to something else. Hopefully something less distressing for your poor mum.

Also, if it gets to the point where he says things about this to the neighbours then it may be worth having a quick word with them. Most people are very understanding about Alzheimer's.

Sorry but have you checked it this is actually true!? Considering he has Alzheimer and it could be his truth, but not a what happened in real life?

My dad had Alzheimer’s and had an almost identical belief about his neighbours. He was not amenable to being distracted at all and you really do have my sympathy, the only thing that helped was him being prescribed antipsychotics as unfortunately he was also very aggressive as part of his dementia

To those who said it might be true.

Of course it could be true but fears about being a sex offender are actually slightly common when people become unwell. People with schizophrenia and dementia do sometimes report intrusive thoughts that they are or that others think they are.

In my experience its linked to feelings of shame/humilation/ vulnerablity similar to the dreams with the common fear of wetting yourself, being at school with no trousers on etc. Your brain thinks whats the most humilating, shameful thing that can happen or the worst thing i could be, whats the most shameful thing others might think about me and often in our society thats deemed as paedophillia.

He might have a thing called Delirium my grandma had it she thought her home wasn’t hers www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/daily-living/delirium

Echo the many good points made & advice from posters above.

Inform GP of your concerns for immediate check of infection & others factors that may affect your current DF’s behaviours & beliefs.

Local carers groups (particular Alzheimer’s Society groups) are a great support for information & camaraderie.

Dementia cafes are well worth seeking out.

Carers UK & Carers Trust - both great sources of information & have online forums for peer support.

Your local Carers Hub will be a source of support & a useful conduit into support provided by the local authority.

All of these really helped me when my DM had Dementia for many years.

@theclockwinder for you as sadly you know what’s coming with this condition & as this is your dad.

I would just double check it’s not true, as this actually happened to my dad, who does not have dementia (not the taking of photos, jut the accusation). It was sorted fairly easily by the community police officer.

I think your DM's tactic should be to agree with him about stuff, to avoid conflict.
I did this with my late Dad.
if you agree, there's nothing for him to get wound up about.
Good luck.

Your post really touched me OP, I've been exactly where you are. My dad was diagnosed with FTD, a rare and aggressive behavioural variant of dementia aged 60 and it was truly heartbreaking to watch a man that was so incredibly proud and strong with a love for life struggle to battle such a cruel condition. It's unlike any other disease and whilst your dad has the diagnosis, it's something that you're all living with and learning about together.

From experience, I know it can be really difficult to access support because your dad is under 65 and there's just not the same availability than if he were just that bit older. Even when we were able to get help, it often wasn't relevant because of the stage in life he was at - caring for an elderly parent with dementia isn't the same as caring for a young, fit parent or partner in their 60s so I'm not sure how much value you'll find looking at the elderly care resources.

We found that doctors weren't a particularly great help because they didn't understand the condition so were essentially left to our own devices, however, Alzheimer Scotland were fantastic and we couldn't have made it through his illness without them. They told us exactly what help, support and services we were entitled to and how to go about getting them as well as how to help manage my dad in difficult situations. They also offered counselling and a support group for "young carers", again because caring for someone so young with dementia is a beast of its own kind. If you're in England then I imagine that similar charities will offer the same help and I'd definitely recommend exploring that.

As for your dad being upset with the neighbours, we went through that a lot. Distraction never worked with my dad - once he had a bee in his bonnet there was no getting him to move on. Yes, he'd take a biscuit and cup of tea but then he'd be right back at the thing bothering him before. As others have suggested, we found that acknowledging his feelings was the best way to go "that's really awful, they're just mistaken and I'm sure they'll realise that, we'll speak to them tomorrow and sort it out". It might take some time to convince him but it certainly worked better than telling him straight he was wrong. If anything it only riled him more.

If you know and trust your mum and dad's neighbours, it may be worth mentioning his diagnosis to them so they can understand any strange behaviours and can keep an eye out for him, especially as his condition progresses. So many people misunderstand the condition and think it's all about forgetfulness which of course it's not. We found people to be particularly unforgiving of strange behaviours because my dad was so young and it just wasn't expected that he'd have dementia to justify the things he was doing. Once you're comfortable sharing the diagnosis and the difficulties you're facing, it really is a weight lifted and can help manage the condition and challenges it brings.

My last thought is that dementia is incredibly isolating for the carers and both you and your mum need to look after yourselves so that you can look after your dad when he needs you. Make sure you both take time for yourself to unwind and recharge, however that may be. Wishing you well OP.

It sounds very like my MIL, she had vascular dementia and became very paranoid about the next door neighbour, esp thinking their children were in her garden (they weren't at all) and started to call the police endlessly. She was otherwise managing fairly well with SIL visiting several times a day but when the phoning the police started, and she was marked as a frequent caller, DH realised SIL needed more support (we were living overseas)
When she had moved into a care home, she was constantly complaining about people peering in her windows. it was heartbreaking

Thank you all so much for your comments, I have read them all and it's nice to feel I'm not alone. I have two younger brothers who still live at home with them. 19 and 11 so still very young and both have autism. Unfortunately today things have got worse, my mum nipped out to get some shopping this morning and my dad was left with my teenage brother, all was fine and then out of the blue he told him he was going to the police station to report the neighbours, disappeared and then wouldn't answer his phone. Mum got hold of him and he was sat outside my younger brothers school hours too early for pickup. He was ranting down the phone about how there were four cars parked outside of their house shouting pedophile and he wasn't going home. She's taken a water sample to the GP this morning, and she's been in touch with his support/case worker for an emergency appointment. She's now worried sick. Dementia is fucking awful.

As for the community settings/support groups he would categorically refuse. He prefers his own company and doesn't like to talk to strangers. Never has. So unfortunately my mum doesn't get much relief from it all. He's been fine and then the paranoia has presented itself in the last few weeks. I don't know what the end goal is going to be. Just makes me so sad as he's so young and still has young children and grandchildren. I'm only 25. Scared he'll never get to walk me down the isle. Silly things you don't even realise until you don't have the option anymore.

Just read your update there. So many young people in your family it seems so unfair. I used to work with a guy in his late 50s who had dementia. It broke my heart working (I'm a carer) with him.
Perhaps you could look in to getting him a befriender who could either sit with him at home or go out walks or to a cafe. Just some relief for your mum. Sometimes you can get that service for free from a charitable organisation or you could pay.