Think IABVVVVU, but not sure why i didn't stop him??? i din't want him to do this?? (potential TRIGGER warning)

[pizzawaffle]

I am a long time lurker, but have not posted yet. I believe IABVVVU and overthinking this but please be gentle. I do have diagnosed CPTSD, BPD, OCD and eating disorder, and grew up in a household full of domestic abuse and other kinds of abuse. Also was sexually assaulted in childhood more than once by severela different people. I mention this because it may be relevant?

This was triggered by a thread I read a few minutes ago but it reminded me of something that happened some years back that although I don't believe has damaged me per se, has been playing on my mind.

This happened over 20 years ago, as a university student. I had been having some mental health issues and was admitted to hospital after an overdose. After being released for a few weeks I was still very vulnerable and not good with boundaries.

I went shopping one evening at my late night supermarket, got a taxi back. The taxi driver kept chatting me up and I couldn't wait for the ride to be over. I didn't want any relationship with anyone- and am shy. When we got to my flat I needed help with the shopping being taken in due to having ME/CFS and mobility issues from that. Then he started saying he wanted to go to bed with me. I said "No, am tired" but he kept on at me and my sense fo boundaries has never been strong so I eventually let him do it hoping it would be over as quick as possible... I did let him up until the point where he wanted to get inside me and I said "no, don't want to get pregnant, I don;t want this" so he kept perstering me to let him carry on but he wouldn't put it inside....I hated every minute of it- I was tired and I kept hoping he would take the hint, but I froze....He suddenly sat up and said "you're shaking! why are you shaking?" I just wanted it over...

He left when he had finished.Even though he hadn't been inside me he had been near enough and I, having OCD, was obsessed with idea I could be pregnant. I got the morning after pill and was feeling stupid because it was my fault but also angry- angry that I had elt him when I didnt want to, angry I was in this position- me, someone who doesn't trsut men, who doesn't even like men that much (not kidding- I really don't care about the opposite sex).

I know this is daft but I still feel angry about what happened. I mean, am not a victim- I wasn;t raped (not by him anyway) and am a bit worried as to why I am seeing myself as a victim in this scenario when nothing untoward happened other than a bit of bad sex

I wonder whether the issue is my childhood has caused me to see myself as a victim during sexual encounters and because of the early childhood trauma, am overreacting to what happened? I just feel utterly angry that this man kept wearing me down, but then again, my "No" was very weak and why didn't I fight back?

What upsets me, is that as a n older child, a predator did something to me (not the first time somethign like that happened) and I just froze. I did not say "no" or fight him off, which I would do now?Which makes me wonder why was I unable to just stop these things happening?

Please don't flame me I was recentlya dmitted to hospital for self injury wound getting infected and am still feeling very wobbly.

[TypingoftheDead]

You’re not being unreasonable at all, what you experienced then, and in childhood, was vile. It takes a lot of guts to share this kind of thing!
It wasn’t “bad sex”, it was coercion and you gave off enough signs (actually saying no, I’m tired, then physically shaking) that you didn’t want it.
He was a predator, not a decent man just doing his job, therefore he’d just do what it took for him to get what he wanted.
It wasn’t your fault.

[ginghamtablecloths]

Ah yes, gas-lighting, pizzawaffle by your dad must have been horrible and no doubt you have low self-esteem as a result - his fault. So sorry for you, I've been a fool in my past (haven't we all? At least those of us who had unhappy childhood) but I became stronger over time.

I hope you get the help you need, you are worth more than this. Take it gently .

[Shemeanswell]

Hi OP

Sorry you went through all that. The taxi driver thing makes me furious (with him). Your post reminded me of this podcast: www.thisamericanlife.org/682/ten-sessions/act-one-5

About someone who was assaulted as a young person, and how it affected her whole life. In the podcast she is speaking to a therapist & they go through her thought patterns & examine why she blames herself. I hope it’s helpful to you - it’s an interesting listen if nothing else.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

It doesnt matter that you only said no once or dont think you were emphatic enough. One small shake of the head should be all it takes and any decent person would accept this. No decent person should want to continue if they have to persuade or pressurise the other person into doing anything sexual with them. He was at work, not on a date, so shouldn't have even suggested it. I think unfortunately that a LOT of women, infact a majority of women, have been in situations like this when they were a similar age. I know I have. And I blamed myself up until recently and now I recognise that it was them not me (I am also a lot older now and care less about upsetting or offending someone so would be more likely to tell them to fuck off but that's two separate unrelated things and it doesnt mean that because I wasn't like this at the time that i was to blame).

[lovemakespeace]

Well done for being brave enough to talk about these things OP.

NOTHING was your fault. You have been treated despicably. It is utterly utterly wrong what this taxi driver did and he is vile predator.

[differentnameforthis]

@DivineTruth - as he likely took advantage of the fact she was unsure and pressured her to continue. This isn't illegal, so is a situation we need to know how to control.

This is coercion. Yes, it IS illegal.

[differentnameforthis]

@DivineTruth - There will always be men who are looking to take advantage of what they see as a sexual situation

This was NOT a sexual situation. This was a driver from a taxi firm that op trusted to get her home safe, nothing else. He was not a man seeing this as a sexual situation, he was a predator and a rapist. Please stop making apologies for him/rape.

Many women arent yet mature enough to understand let alone take these things head on. This is patronizing at best. This situation happened over 20yrs ago, plainly op is mature enough to understand. It appears to be you who is not mature enough to see this for what it is.

[HemulenHouse]

Response to abuse is so complex. I know of women that, when they detect they’re about to be abused, won’t say no because saying no invites a more violent attack. If you sense that you’re about to be raped or coerced, sometimes it feels logical to freeze and block it out because fighting leads to more harm.

[HemulenHouse]

All of this is horrible but am I right in thinking that after he acknowledged you physically shaking that he then carried on?

[differentnameforthis]

@DivineTruth - I took her account, if im right, that she was disappointed in herself that she did consent

She didn't consent. She relented because he kept pestering her and she wanted him to leave. That IS NOT consent. It is coercion, which negates any consent she may have given.

[FTMF30]

OP, you said no. What happened to you isn't your fault.💐

[RickOShay]

I am so sorry about what has happened to you, none of it is your fault in any way. Not any of it. Your father calling you a victim was his way of minimising your feelings and making himself feel better about his abuse of you, it was all your fault because you were that sort of person. This is completely untrue. It’s a lie.
When you hear his voice in your head, say I know you are lying. What you did to me was wrong, and I’m allowed to feel the way I do. Keep being kind to yourself, that’s where safety is. Forgive yourself for your mistakes, understand what you went through and feel sympathy for yourself.
Keep going to your therapist, I wish you all the good things in life, you deserve them

[FTMF30]

@DivineTruth but she initially said no. And he's a taxi driver ffs. He shouldn't be coming on to her so strongly. It's shouldn't be a case of "no means no until they say yes". Your thought process is so problematic.
The taxi driver should have accepted her first no. Taxi drivers have raped women before, so what if she had continued to say no, being assertive snd he got violent and raped her. He was being predatory and a women should be able to say no with fear, with their voice trembling, with silence, however they want and it should be accepted.

[Deathgrip]

Sending hugs to you OP. You are not to blame. You said no, and even if you hadn’t been able to say no, this man pressured and coerced you at a time when you were very vulnerable.

If you were with a man who repeatedly said they didn’t want to have sex, no matter who quietly, would you continue? Of course you wouldn’t. He knew you didn’t want to do it, he did not care.

Unfortunately I have a similar history to you, and having experienced abuse in the past does seem to make future abuse more likely. For me I think it was because I made so many excuses to myself to excuse my father, who was my first abuser. I had a whole list of ways that it was my fault. None of it is your fault. Please don’t ever blame yourself, this man’s behaviour was abhorrent

[billy1966]

Absolutely not in any way your fault OP.

So sorry to read the hard life you have had.
I really hope you get the help you need and deserve.

You needed a taxi home.

He was predatory scum.

Please be gentle with yourself.

[ResumetonormalASAP]

You are very vulnerable. You have done nothing wrong.
Speak to your trauma therapist about this event and talk it through with them.

Best wishes

[SummerDayWinterEvenings]

@AbsentmindedWoman

It wasn't your fault. You didn't consent, and you were very vulnerable.

I am very sorry, and hope you can be gentle with yourself - you deserve compassion, and you deserve to heal from all the shitty things that happened to you.

None of the abuse that happened to you was your fault.

This. Please be gentle. We all look back and think -that happened why didn't I stand up for myself but this was assault, pressure and coercion.

[Wyntersdiary]

its totally normal for people to freeze and sometimes people think oh i would kick up a fuss etc etc but until your in the situation you just dont know what you would do.

I always thought i was a confrontational no shit taking kinda person but even i have froze in a bad situation its like i cant talk i cant act i can only think stuff in my mind as if my body is paralyzed and i reckon its a fear response to just shut up and let it happen.

Just remember.... Its not you, its humans.

I am a lot better now ( really since ive had kids i have changed) i will no longer let anyone mess me around but its still scary knowing i could go back to the fear response anytime something happens.

[Morana23]

My ex partner was abusive towards me in pretty much every way possible. He was a Jekyll and Hyde character who could be sweet, loving and gentle until he started drinking. He raped me many times, and every one those times I froze; I knew there was no point fighting as if he wanted something from me, he took it by force. Money, my bank card, my phone. My dignity, my choices. Freezing in that moment was the best way I knew to minimise further harm to myself.
I would be visibly petrified, my entire body shaking and often crying and gasping for breath. But it still took me years to accept it was rape because I didn't physically fight him off, or try.
Reporting him to the police, along with counselling, helped me to accept that although I froze, it was clearly not consensual sex. It was not my fault. And I did not deserve it. He got away with it due to lack of evidence, as I didn't report straight away. But it was the first step in acceptance and me taking back control of my own life.
Big hugs to you OP, I have so much empathy for you and really hope you can begin to move towards happier times. You are not alone as a survivor, the more I talk to others about these issues, the more I realise how many of us there are.

[Somethingkindaoooo]

OP
So sorry you have had a tough time.

When you're a child, if you have abusive adults in your life, you will develop survival mechanisms. This could be to smile, or humour,or fight or freeze.

I have no doubt you did exactly what you needed to do to survive. You were wise enough as a child to figure out what you needed to do to survive.

The thing is, sometimes those behaviours stick around- we forget that we are grown ups, who have agency.
I have found that part of being a grown up is to learn how to let go of the behaviour habits we needed as a child.

OP please don't beat yourself up. You have survived a hideous childhood. You can't go directly from 'survive' to 'thrive', but you will get there.
Tiny steps forward.
Be kind to yourself.

[Pinklynx]

Your counsellor is completely right about the freeze response and about your dad. It does take some time to change how you think, it's hard work but worthwhile. Start to look online about gaslighters and narcissists. Les Carter does some very good YouTube videos.

it makes sense when you're a child to believe what your parents tell you. Firstly, because you're too young to be able to live independently so from an evolutionary perspective you need to ensure they will still feed and look after you. Also, we are programmed to learn from our parents so they form a pretty powerful script.

The script your father gave you was that you were not allowed to have boundaries, or trust in your own thoughts, intuition and feelings or even value yourself. It's very hard to change that but you can do it over time with the help and support of your therapist. You are seeing a trauma therapist because what your dad did to you was a series of traumas that have a massive impact on how you feel about yourself and how you relate to others.

Be clear about this. None of it was your fault. Your childhood or the experience with this man and others who have abused you. It's all on them.

The good news it you can change it and learn to have boundaries with others and have a feeling of self-worth in which you don't even have to think about how to say no to people, it will just come naturally.

Good luck OP

[astuz]

I'm a 'freezer' when I'm scared, rather than a 'fighter' or 'flightier'. It actually is the perfect response in many situations and there's good evolutionary reasons why we freeze in some scary situations.

I used to live in Africa and while I was there a lady was attacked by a buffalo. She froze on the ground after the initial attack, even though the buffalo was stood right over her. She has no idea why she froze, rather than trying to run away, BUT after a minute or two the buffalo wandered off. She was told afterwards that the ONLY reason she is still alive, is because she froze. The buffalo thought she was dead, hence why it wandered off.

And it's the same when attacked by humans - how do you know that this man wouldn't have physically attacked you, and possibly murdered you, if you hadn't complied and froze? This is subconsciously what your brain was protecting you from.

You honestly did nothing wrong at all, and that taxi driver was just utter scum.

[Summercamping]

Your taxi driver was foul.
Your father was an awful person.
You have nothing to be angry with yourself for
I hope you can find some peace of mind. You are not alone with this.

[ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal]

You were raped by him, im sorry

[Heartthecake]

Bless your heart. Sometimes men can be absolutely pushy and vile towards women to get what they want. So many women have been in a position where a man has made them feel uncomfortable.

I was 19 and out in our local drinking with my bestie and her boyfriend. One of the lads in the pub was the barmaids boyfriend. They had a row in the pub and he ended up walking home with us, talking to my mates boyfriend. I had no interest in him at all. Got back to my friends and went up to my bed. This bloke had been given the sofa for the night. 5 minutes later he's in the bedroom pestering to sleep in the bed with me. Trying to kiss me. I kept saying no I don't want to share the bed. I was getting close to shouting my friend. Then be finally stormed off back downstairs. The next morning I was sat on the sofa and he had been in the bathroom. He came through and said bye to my friend and then he left without looking at me.

Obviously in My case nothing happened. But I probably would have been raped if we were alone.

Ten years later my friend is linked to the same bloke. He's her husband's work mate. He went to my friends for a Chinese and tried to touch and kiss my friend whilst her husband slept.

I think you need to talk this through with someone. He was a taxi driver. He should have been trustworthy not trying to screw his customers. You must have felt violated. Even though you may not have been raped you were sexually pressured by someone who was supposed to be "safe" to be working with the public.

He's disgusting. I am sorry it happened my lovely. I can imagine when you are alone it's so scary. I was able to get him away because there were others in the house. X