Is this holding a grudge?

[SMarie123]

When I first had my oldest DC my MIL was really nasty to me, she later apologised/ explained she was going though a bad time emotionally as she had lost her husband of 45 years 18 months earlier. I never made a drama and I was very graceful in my response.

Ever since I have been reserved with her. I am always kind and make sure I treat her the same as my parents eg calling, sending cards etc but to be honest I just don't feel comfortable in her company. I never relax. I hate visiting her because it is so far away we have to stay overnight, I can't be myself or chill out. I know she thinks I am incompetent (because she told me..) so I just don't want to be there. My husband thinks I need to move on and stop holding a grudge, she is opinionated with everyone (which is true) and I need to have a thicker skin. I can do the actions eg cards, phone calls but not the emotions. Does that make me someone that holds a grudge or is that natural?

[billy1966]

@LuaDipa
Sorry to read how upset you are.

Of course you are absolutely right.
I'm sorry you have suffered so much to get to the realisation that allowing someone to treat you like shit will never cause a sudden improvement of their behaviour.

People just end up thinking you are dim and weak. They are bully's.

Personally I cannot fathom marriages surviving one partner being treated like this and the other partner, in effect saying, suck it up.

My husband is quiet, gentle, conflict adverse but he would not allow this.

There is no way my long marriage would have survived if he had.

It would be over and a natural contraceptive!

I think weak men are unattractive and selfish.

Sounds like the damage has been done to your marriage during this time.

The cheek of your husband calling you petty!

I don't believe these scenarios exist in isolation within the marriage, they usually are just one symtom of a marriage where one partner puts up with a lot and has their feelings dismissed.

Stay strong@Lua

[mbosnz]

No, you don't have to tell her that you're not going and why. Your husband is not the boss of you. You just don't go.

(I'm the kind of person who takes being given ultimatums, or being dictated to, very, very badly. . .)

[LuaDipa]

@billy1966 thank you for your kind words. Believe it or not, dh is actually very caring and considerate in most other areas of life. Don’t get me wrong, he has his moments, but when I say my piece and he knows that something bothers me he will usually do everything he can to change it. But he will not hear a word said against his mother. He and fil seem to think she is a delicate flower and we must all tiptoe around her.

If anyone else spoke to me the way that mil does we would be holding dh back from a confrontation, but with her he keeps his head down and ignores it. I probably haven’t helped matters by putting up with this for so long but part of me feels so sorry for them that no-one else invites them, even though it is entirely their own fault. And I will concede that she is an amazing grandmother and would do absolutely anything for our dc which has always gone a long way towards softening me up.

You are quite right though, what I am seeing from him now is deeply unattractive and I am very much watching and waiting to see where this goes before deciding where my future lies. I also think much less of fil. Who stands by and allows their dw to disown their dc and dgc for what genuinely amounts to imagined slights? I wish I had seen all of this and set these boundaries much earlier on. I hope op takes heed!