Is this holding a grudge?

[SMarie123]

When I first had my oldest DC my MIL was really nasty to me, she later apologised/ explained she was going though a bad time emotionally as she had lost her husband of 45 years 18 months earlier. I never made a drama and I was very graceful in my response.

Ever since I have been reserved with her. I am always kind and make sure I treat her the same as my parents eg calling, sending cards etc but to be honest I just don't feel comfortable in her company. I never relax. I hate visiting her because it is so far away we have to stay overnight, I can't be myself or chill out. I know she thinks I am incompetent (because she told me..) so I just don't want to be there. My husband thinks I need to move on and stop holding a grudge, she is opinionated with everyone (which is true) and I need to have a thicker skin. I can do the actions eg cards, phone calls but not the emotions. Does that make me someone that holds a grudge or is that natural?

[LuaDipa]

@billy1966 thank you for your kind words. Believe it or not, dh is actually very caring and considerate in most other areas of life. Don’t get me wrong, he has his moments, but when I say my piece and he knows that something bothers me he will usually do everything he can to change it. But he will not hear a word said against his mother. He and fil seem to think she is a delicate flower and we must all tiptoe around her.

If anyone else spoke to me the way that mil does we would be holding dh back from a confrontation, but with her he keeps his head down and ignores it. I probably haven’t helped matters by putting up with this for so long but part of me feels so sorry for them that no-one else invites them, even though it is entirely their own fault. And I will concede that she is an amazing grandmother and would do absolutely anything for our dc which has always gone a long way towards softening me up.

You are quite right though, what I am seeing from him now is deeply unattractive and I am very much watching and waiting to see where this goes before deciding where my future lies. I also think much less of fil. Who stands by and allows their dw to disown their dc and dgc for what genuinely amounts to imagined slights? I wish I had seen all of this and set these boundaries much earlier on. I hope op takes heed!

[mbosnz]

No, you don't have to tell her that you're not going and why. Your husband is not the boss of you. You just don't go.

(I'm the kind of person who takes being given ultimatums, or being dictated to, very, very badly. . .)

[billy1966]

@LuaDipa
Sorry to read how upset you are.

Of course you are absolutely right.
I'm sorry you have suffered so much to get to the realisation that allowing someone to treat you like shit will never cause a sudden improvement of their behaviour.

People just end up thinking you are dim and weak. They are bully's.

Personally I cannot fathom marriages surviving one partner being treated like this and the other partner, in effect saying, suck it up.

My husband is quiet, gentle, conflict adverse but he would not allow this.

There is no way my long marriage would have survived if he had.

It would be over and a natural contraceptive!

I think weak men are unattractive and selfish.

Sounds like the damage has been done to your marriage during this time.

The cheek of your husband calling you petty!

I don't believe these scenarios exist in isolation within the marriage, they usually are just one symtom of a marriage where one partner puts up with a lot and has their feelings dismissed.

Stay strong@Lua

[LuaDipa]

After years of putting up with my mil’s digs (always when dh out of the room but there have been some comments to dc - ds hates conflict and wouldn’t tell me, dd spills everything) and continuing to welcome her into our home at every family occasion (no-one else in the family invites them) I have finally snapped. It was a relatively small thing that pushed me over the edge, but has come after years of small things. I have said that I will never invite pil’s again. They are still welcome to come and visit dh and the dc, but I won’t be here, which means no more family get togethers.

Dh thinks I am being unreasonable. He says I am petty and unkind and I have always hated his mother. After years of biting my tongue and continuing to be nice as ‘that’s just the way she is.

I have cried and raged at the unfairness of this. I am the only in-law that she is currently speaking to and she cuts people off without thinking. I’m not like that. I was raised to believe that family is the most important thing and have agonised over this but know it is the only way forward for me unless she changes her behaviour. Dh refuses to even speak to her as he ‘hates arguing‘. The worst thing is that it would just take one word from him and she would stop as she would never want to lose contact with him. He is the golden child.

We have reached an uneasy compromise but I’m not sure it will last when he realises that I’m not just venting and I will not give. And to be honest I am quickly losing respect for him as I don’t deserve to be treated like this. Our marriage may not survive but after the way he has made me feel I’m almost past caring.

That was much longer than I intended but my point is, any effort you put in will not be noticed or appreciated. And the longer this goes on the more it will be expected. Reasonable people don’t behave the way your mil does. If she can’t be kind and respectful, you can stop engaging. This isn’t your fault and you are not unreasonable. You matter just as much as she does.

[GabriellaMontez]

Listen to @billy1966

This is the second thread today I've read a post of hers that I wish I read before I got married to my now ex.

Your husband is suiting himself you should too.

[GabriellaMontez]

Imo yanbu to not go to or stay at her house. It doesnt suit you or the children.

You've suggested reasonable alternatives inc holidays and her coming to you.

Dont go. Why should you? No need to be so graceful about it. Just stand up for yourself. No one else has it would seem. He can tell her whatever he likes. I suggest the truth.

[billy1966]

Tidy your attic OP and stay away.

These type of situation changes how women look at the men in their lives.

Your husband is suiting himself, you should too.

[SMarie123]

@GabriellaMontez re what does everyone do. When she bitched about SIL ..... they just listen. I would never have it said to me directly because I don't entertain it but I would have heard DH receive the information. He just zoned out.....

The overheard conversation happened 2.5 years ago. She has never had any interest in our children, ever. The oldest turned 4 in June.

She appeared fond enough of DH and I before we had kids but she was always a nightmare in her own house. You can never relax in a house where you can't put anything down and there is a very set way for every house chore to be completed.

[SMarie123]

No she doesn't critise SIL anymore, I don't know the reason, I'm not the kind of person that entertains bitching. I expect it is since she had an operation and SIL minded her. She expected her favourite child to mind her but for whatever reason it didn't happen that way. Since then Sil and DH's brother get a lot of visits, specifically bought gifts (things we have never got!!!).

DH think she prefers the age of their children, but I don't really know.

[GabriellaMontez]

Does she still criticise SIL?

If so what does everyone do?

How long ago did all this happen?

[SMarie123]

I spoke to my DH and he said he only wants to go a few times a year, which is considerably less than one of his siblings (the other sibling she always stays with when she comes here she doesn't visit that much). He said he will go on his own but I have to tell her I am not going. To be fair I will just make excuses like clearing out the attic, I am however disappointed that he doesn't highlight why we are upset. To me it is very passive aggressive to pretend everything is fine while being annoyed behind the scenes. He said she is thick and will never work it out because in recent years she only thinks about herself.

[Cam2020]

Don't feel bad, you have every right to feel that way. You don't need to change - your behaviour doesn't hurt people. Instead of you being more tough skinned, I think she should try being less of a bitch.

[Itisbetter]

I’ve been with my husband for more than half my life. It helps to remember who you are. You have the same right to say “no” you had when you were dating. He married that woman. Remind him that you are with him by choice.

[billy1966]

OP, the thing is, you see it.
Your MIL is disrespectful of you.
So is your husband in not accepting YOUR right to not wish to be around his deeply unpleasant mother.

You need to be firmer with your husband.

Dismissing your feeling is not the action of a kind man.

[SMarie123]

@Itisbetter this is exactly my thoughts. Rude and disrespectful. I don't know why DH doesn't see it this way.

[thetaleunfolds]

Definitely not a grudge. She made her bed...

[Itisbetter]

I think it unreasonable that she doesn’t come to yours, rude to be honest. Your dh needs to understand that his wife and children are as worthy as his siblings. She is choosing not to visit.

[Brefugee]

I don't think it's a grudge, it's boundaries. I'm a notorious grudge holder - there would be a whole lot more PA behaviour and absolutely none of the nice stuff!

[SMarie123]

@Brefugee I don't know why she wants me there, she actually has very minimal interest in the kids. Bizarrely they love but she gives them very little relatively speaking. She is generous with money but what toddler needs £300!!! They would prefer she did a puzzle or pointed out wildlife.

I do think DH is right and she is horrible about everyone. His SIL got a terrible time when her DC where really small. I remember SIL in tears over it, I didn't have the heart to tell her what is said behind her back is much worse then what was said to her face.

I guess I don't get over things as quick as DH or her other DIL. I am more sensitive about judgement. Is that a grudge though? DH a would claim it is. I think it is just not wanting to be taken advantage of.

[Brefugee]

I think you need to be more blunt with your DH and say: nope, I'm not going. She can come here, no problem, but don't ever ask me to go there again.

And he can take the DC. Why the heck does she want you there? I'm guessing so you can be there to wrangle the DCs and he has more time for her? She should have thought about that before she decided to treat you abominably. That would be my only offer if my MiL was like that.

[billy1966]

OP, you sound like a very patient woman, a really patient one.

With your update as to just how badly she spoke of you, it is hard to believe you would go back to her home.

I can understand your nervousness about the children being in a farm environment.

You are full of praise for your husband, and it does sound as if he has goid qualities.

However, he is very, very dismissive of YOUR feelings and quite selfish in insisting you get over yourself.

He heard what was said. Why should YOU go against what you feel for someone who is so unpleasant to you.

His energy is towards the wrong person.

I certainly would be handing over the wife work to him too.

I think you have every right to feel as you do.
Beware of being made unimportant in this by your husband.

His mother is the problem, he needs to grow up.

[backseatcookers]

He is just one of those people everyone loves.... without him having to do much but he intelligent and charming.

I appreciate it's not nice to hear people criticise him on here so it makes sense you are feeling defensive of him, but while the above may well be true he is lacking emotional intelligence when it comes to this situation as he's asking you to give more than is reasonable.

And you have explained why it's not reasonable, continued to do far more than many people would after her being so indefensibly nasty, but he is still pushing.

His expectations are unfair and make you uncomfortable and unhappy. He is your partner, you are supposed to be a team.

You deserve him to appreciate the way you've handled this situation with grace beyond anyone's pay grade and stop pushing you for more.

So while I know you may think people are being unfair on him as they don't know him, they are actually having your back and trying to show you that he isn't dealing with this situation in a way that is fair and kind to his wife, the mother of his kids, who was character assassinated by his mum.

Be firm, you are not in the wrong on this at all.

[SMarie123]

@Itisbetter I am actually fine with her in my house. The kids sleep, there is no drama with them breaking stuff. She is less demanding in outside of her own home. She won't visit us unless we have a major life event eg house move. She will visit her other kids in the exact same city. Part of my gripe is why would I put the effort in to visit someone who can't be bothered visiting me? DH's counterarguement is that I am saying we just won't see her then.... to which I say, ok no problem!

[Itisbetter]

Would he prefer her to come to your house (would you?)?

[SMarie123]

@Itisbetter he thinks we should visit her (because she has no interest in visiting us) and because otherwise he/ the kids won't see her.

MIL is very insistent that I come with him... a few times I have elaborate reasons not to come eg sorting the attic. This time I ended up being forced to go because she phoned persistently and said how lonely she was because of covid. As we don't officially not get on it is hard to avoid being nice.