To sell my DDs tablet and the switch?

[SolutionsforScreens]

DD is 5, almost 6. Year 1.

I am strict with screentime and usually it’s not a problem, 45 minutes twice in the week and 90 minutes 1 weekend day. Usually it’s no problem with no arguments in the week as 2 nights a week she has activities and 1 night a week she goes to after school club, another night she’s at ExHs but has her own there so isn’t actually off it. Weekends were always trickier as she’s only here EOW but I’d compromise with her and we’d go swimming or she’d have a party of a school friend or we’d go out for a walk etc. so she wouldn’t have it until after dinner on Sundays. She has her own tablet purely because I don’t have one and I don’t really want her on my computer or phone. It’s completely locked down; childrens youtube with selected channels, no ability to download or purchase anything etc. (I can do these things for her if needed).

She was only allowed on the switch at weekends for half an hour (parental controls on that thing are amazing) and she’d lose half an hour on her tablet if she chose to go on the switch.

During the lockdown I was less strict with it, she had to do any English or Maths work recommended by school, and read to me from our collection of ORT books but then she could have 90 minutes per day doing whatever on the tablet. She was also allowed 1 hour twice a week on the switch.

She returned to school at the start of June. Every morning she tells me (not asks) that she is going on her tablet or the switch after school, if I tell her no because we’re doing playdoh or baking or watching a film together she screams at me saying she hates me and she wants to live with her dad. She tells me she hates me I’m horrible and that dad is much nicer. She kicks off if it’s bedtime and has been known when the parental controls kick in on either the tablet or the switch to thrown the device shouting it’s not fair. She’s told her teacher at school that I’m mean for not letting her go on “whenever she wants” (thankfully her teacher has 2 DCs slightly older and is strict on their screentime so gets it), she’s also told the same teacher that when she goes to high school she’s living with her dad. She sometimes refuses to go to school until I promise she can play them after school, if I say no I have to drag her in kicking and screaming shouting that I'm not her mum and she hates me.

ExH lets DD do whatever she wants, stay up until whenever, no restrictions on screentime, doesn’t feed her proper meals just lets her eat sweets or gets a takeaway, never takes her anywhere. Pretty sure he doesn’t have any toys for her at his house. He has her EOW for 24 hours and 1 night a week for tea and I know on the night she’s there for tea she comes back grumpy, shouty and not wanting to go to bed. I know he also lets her play on whatever she wants to whereas I only let her play games rated Pegi 7 or below on switch and recommended for up to age 8 on tablet. Often when I pick her up on his weekend she falls asleep in the car (he lives 20 minutes’ drive from me).

In terms of screentime I’m one of the more relaxed parents about it in her class, most of her friends only go on tablets at school and the ones that use them at home get an hour at the weekend only. One of her best friends isn’t even allowed to watch TV (I have that on constantly for company mainly but forget to switch it off so DD watches it) and her mum gets upset if she finds out she’s been on a tablet or computer at school.

I don’t really want to get rid of the switch as I also play it (for an hour or so a day once DDs in bed I go on one of my consoles) but if I have to I will as I also have a PS4 but DD doesn’t play on that (she knows what it is though and uses it as a DVD player) although I do play games only available on the switch (Animal Crossing, Cooking Mama etc) so would be sad to sell it but I think it’s the only way to stop DD behaving like a spoilt brat.

Any other solutions I’m at my wits end with it?

YANBU - Sell the devices
YABU - Don't sell

[Ellisandra]

Well for starters - take away the headphones.
It’s hard to judge without hearing her words and tone - but I’d say there’s an issue there. She doesn’t get to tell you be quiet without consequences!
I wouldn’t want to set up screen time as The Big Reward or withdrawing it was The Big Punishment.
But I would be thinking about a consequence for speaking to you disrespectfully. 5 year olds should not think they’re allowed to tell a parent to be quiet!

[KitKat2020]

I like the idea of her earning the time and her losing it if she gives any attitude or rudeness in the morning

I may have missed it, but I didn’t see a suggestion of earning then loosing time. Once screen time is earned it’s banked. It would be inconsistent if it got taken away again.

Positive reinforcement is about rewards, and is generally seen as more effective than punishment or negative reinforcement when managing children’s behaviour.

Don’t try and use screens as a form of negative reinforcement( something you take away) to modify behaviour. This would not be a good battleground, based on what is happening already.

[vanillandhoney]

I just don't like her attitude towards it. I get that I play but it doesn't take over my life, I don't get upset if i can't play (I don't play everyday but most days) whereas DD seems to.

But she's six, and you're a grown adult. Of course she doesn't have the same attitude as you - she's a child!

Her attitude isn't acceptable but I think you've placed so many controls/restrictions on her time that when she's allowed to play, she just wants to play without you interrupting her. She only gets a couple of hours play a week, of course she doesn't want to waste that time by talking.

You seem to think it's either unlimited time or really restricted gaming - why can't you have a bit of both? Let her play everyday (or every other day) but only for a short amount of time and not directly before bed. She can play for half an hour a day and still have plenty of time to do other things.

I also think you need to stop having the TV playing all the time. Fine when you're on your own, but not while your DC is home. That's not fair.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

If I let her have it unrestricted she'd never go to bed, as she doesn't go at her dads when he lets her have it unrestricted, he's talked about wrestling it off her.

This is because she is making the most of the unrestricted time because she knows that, at your house, the game/screen could shut off at any time. She’s 5! Of course she’s going to realise that and take advantage.

Definitely consequences for the attitude but once she’s earned her reward time, that should stand regardless. Bad behaviour shouldn’t undo good behaviour earlier.

[Myunhappyfeet]

This is interesting on the differences between interactive screen time and tv and contains source links
www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/mental-wealth/201408/dumb-dumber-interactive-screentime-is-worse-tv%3famp

I'm shocked at the amount of people telling you if you give your 5 year old unlimited screen time she will regulate it herself - that's really not my experience. Like someone upthread, we have found limiting to weekends only with slightly longer/relaxed sessions- able to finish a part of the game and some sensible negotiation about how long to play for - has been much better than small sessions every day. Now we don't even have to enter into the discussion on weekdays. I also think that an activity with you once or twice a week isn't unreasonable and is probably really positive for an only child at the moment as she's presumably really restricted on her other interactions wih people, providing she also gets time for her own choice of play. I would absolutely never give in to tantrums on this point, and if it results in her being late for school I think the consequence of loss of gaming time isn't unreasonable.

[TooLittleTooLate80]

I think there's more of a balance to be found between the unrestricted access (that you rightly object to) and the fairly low levels she has now.

[Marsay772]

I let my kids have unlimited screen time, mine 12,10 and 3 so granted other 2 are older, but because I do this, there not bothered about being on it constantly, if the weather is nice they will sit outside, come for a walk, read a book etc. No tantrums, no bad behaviour. I do need to make sure eldest does her homework, but again for the eldest two its all online. The youngest, I just let him finish his game, movie then it gets switched off, whenever its appropriate. All devices get switched off an hour before bed so they can wind down.

[zingally]

(Long time teacher of that age group)

Not having a go, but your rules sound incredibly complicated, and far too complicated for a 5 year old to understand. You can have the tablet at this time, but not at this time, on that day, but not on that day. And then it's different "rules" at dads house. That's all far too much for a 5 year old to understand.

You are also seeming unnecessarily controlling about WHEN she can use it. She's likely be much happier if she had some control over when she chose to use her allotted time. Wouldn't you be?

And doing all this cooking and playdoh'ing right after school... Most kids just want to be left alone after school. They've spent an entire day on an adult's timetable. They don't want more "now do this and this". Your DD is trying to tell you what she needs at this time of day (time on her own), but you keep ignoring it. She doesn't want to do stuff with you then. She wants to chill out and veg on her own. That would be the perfect time for her to have her tablet time! Just chilling out and decompressing from school.

Absolutely don't sell the tablet. You would only give her the message that her belongings could disappear at any moment, "mummy takes my stuff". It would only create distrust and resentment.

To me, she sounds like a confused, tired little girl, who is overly dominated by mum, and passively forgotten about by dad.

[teaflake]

Why are you trying to muscle in on her Animal Crossing game? The whole joy of that is personalisation.

[netflixismysidehustle]

I think that play doh and baking after school sounds very unfair when she probably wants to zone out with some YouTube or Switch.

During primary my kids after school routine was snack/drink then screens for an hour until 5. After that they played then it was dinner, reading, play until bedtime routine.

The routine at her Dad's is unreasonable but you can't control that. She goes crazy there partly because you're very strict.

As for the Animal Crossing game, why would you help her?

This is not a dig but my kids watched YouTube without earphones so I could hear what they were listening to. Sometimes the kids pick a video suggested by the app that is too adult for them so I had to tell them to switch to another YouTuber. By adult I mean swearing and innuendo. I personally found it important to keep track of their favourite YouTubers. There are some YouTubers popular with primary school kids who shouldn't be watched until secondary aged.

[InFiveMins]

Sorry OP but YABVU. Let the child play on her tablet and switch. She doesn't want to bake or do play doh with you - harsh, but just let her crack on, her happiness should come first.

[Herbie0987]

She is still very young to be demanding screen time. I don’t understand the parents who think it is ok to plonk kids in front of a computer or tv, what happened to letting them play on there own, they don’t have to be entertained all the time, they have imaginations.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

I agree your rules are too restrictive and complicated. I think too, you may be over-scheduling her resulting in her being over-tired and therefore the temper tantrums. Five is far too young to have ASC most days of the week PLUS a “mummy activity” of baking/crafting at home for an hour. It’s too much. Children need down time and it is actually healthy to experience boredom once in awhile.

I’d limit ASC to no more than 2x a week. I’d also leave the time from when they get home until dinner time as free time. Play with whatever they want. Summer they’d usually play outside, winter they’d usually play on a pad or games console. After dinner, it would be homework then winding down for bed. 5yr old don’t have much homework so it could be reading, colouring, some quiet, calming activity.

Her dad having no restrictions makes it difficult, but you are the opposite extreme. If you move towards being less restrictive and use more gentle methods like time warnings, distraction (let’s put wellies on and go jump in puddles it’ll be fun on a rainy weekend day when it’s been 2hrs screen time and you want to break it up before it turns into a marathon). Other things you can do is have educational screen things that have no time limit. My one DC learned to code and do game design on the PS3. It was like doing an online course, which is where the world is going to be honest. To education online, working from home online.

[SolutionsforScreens]

@PlanDeRaccordement

I agree your rules are too restrictive and complicated. I think too, you may be over-scheduling her resulting in her being over-tired and therefore the temper tantrums. Five is far too young to have ASC most days of the week PLUS a “mummy activity” of baking/crafting at home for an hour. It’s too much. Children need down time and it is actually healthy to experience boredom once in awhile.

I’d limit ASC to no more than 2x a week. I’d also leave the time from when they get home until dinner time as free time. Play with whatever they want. Summer they’d usually play outside, winter they’d usually play on a pad or games console. After dinner, it would be homework then winding down for bed. 5yr old don’t have much homework so it could be reading, colouring, some quiet, calming activity.

Her dad having no restrictions makes it difficult, but you are the opposite extreme. If you move towards being less restrictive and use more gentle methods like time warnings, distraction (let’s put wellies on and go jump in puddles it’ll be fun on a rainy weekend day when it’s been 2hrs screen time and you want to break it up before it turns into a marathon). Other things you can do is have educational screen things that have no time limit. My one DC learned to code and do game design on the PS3. It was like doing an online course, which is where the world is going to be honest. To education online, working from home online.

Unfortunately I have to work, in none-covid times she's at ASC 1 night and activities which is basically childcare 2x. Without these I can't work. The activities where her choosing, I could of put her in ASC for those nights but she chose these activities. They;re not currently running. I also can't stop her going to her dads. I'd love it to be the night she goes to ASC so I could cut that but he insists it be a night I don't work, it is what it is.

I don't usually do an activity after school with her I'm only doing it atm because she's not going to activities or her dads in the week atm.

[PaperMonster]

@BeingATwatItsABingThing I’m the same - mine’s good at self regulating because I’ve not been so controlling of it. But that’s because I’ve seen problems in our wider family similar to what the OP describes. Which doesn’t mean there’s no boundaries, but more trust and respect.

[Covert20]

And this is why we don’t have tablets for the kids. They’re incredibly addictive, and at that age they have insufficient self-control to deal with the emotions. Whether you can put the cat back in the bag, however, I don’t know. I suspect if you really rigidly keep to the rules for long enough, she’ll come back round. We have a no TV before school rule, that got abandoned during lockdown, but once the five year old went back to school, the rule came back - and she was cross for a few days, but she’s stopped asking again now. Good luck OP, I get it’s hard when you’ve got them moving between two houses - my older two do. I just keep to my rules, they used to sometimes throw out the “I want to live with my dad line” but consistency has won them over in the end

[SleepingStandingUp]

Op you seem very black or white.

It doesn't need to be unlimited time if you relax your rules.
You don't need to sell it, this cutting off your own nose, to punish your 5yo.

I'd reread the post from the teacher, about your rules being overly complex.
The parental controls are annoying so I think you're right to revisit that.
If you know she says "I'm going on it after school". "no your going to bake cakes with me" will result in an argument, change your script. You know how she's going to react to you telling her at 8 that she's doing forced fun with you.

[Cocobean30]

I think you’re being too strict with the screen time. Y

[SpiritEssence]

Your being far to harsh on her. Let her have some fun.

[isadoradancing123]

I think she should certainly have boundries and restrictions, but i think you are being very mean with the amount of time you are allowing her on it, for what its worth i cant think of anything more boring than playdoh and baking, she may not like it

[Governoress86]

Our DD is 10 and we have never restricted screen time. She has a witch, a TV in her room and a tablet. She watches a lot of YouTube but not always rubbish, she will watch educational videos. She goes to sleep at a reasonable time, does her homework before going on any devices unless she has to do research. No tantrums about having to come off.

Because we don't restrict screen time she is not constant on it and she will of her own back decide to do crafts or play with her Lego or her Barbie's rather than play on her devices. This has worked well for us.

I think because you upped the screen time during lockdown she now expects it to stay that way. I do think the restrictions you have are way OTT and very mean. When I was a kid, when I finished school all I wanted to do after my homework was chill out and play or watch TV

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

[quote PaperMonster]@BeingATwatItsABingThing I’m the same - mine’s good at self regulating because I’ve not been so controlling of it. But that’s because I’ve seen problems in our wider family similar to what the OP describes. Which doesn’t mean there’s no boundaries, but more trust and respect.[/quote]
My DD is the only grandchild on both sides so we haven’t seen any issues. Our rules came about more by chance and we found that us respecting her choices and her respecting our say of time to do this have worked pretty well. There was a selection of videos she was watching on YouTube and we didn’t like that. We asked her not to watch so she doesn’t.

[Bluntness100]

Why is she allowed so little time? There is a mid point between unrestricted and this forty five mins thing, what do you think the harm is?

Up the time, couple of hours a night, it comes across you’re using screens as a weapon against your child and your ex is trying to make it for it. Over compensating.

[Snigletted]

mine’s good at self regulating because I’ve not been so controlling of it
But this is child and personality dependent. I have one child who would self regulate and happily go off do something else. We had to bring in rules because the other one can't and it was negatively affecting his behaviour and mood.

[underneaththeash]

I’m amazed at some of the responses on here. Of course you need to limit screen time AND content, parents need to actually parent their children.

You don’t need to sell them, just put them away. Make it clear that unless she behaves, there is no screen time. Marbles in a jar may work.