To sell my DDs tablet and the switch?

[SolutionsforScreens]

DD is 5, almost 6. Year 1.

I am strict with screentime and usually it’s not a problem, 45 minutes twice in the week and 90 minutes 1 weekend day. Usually it’s no problem with no arguments in the week as 2 nights a week she has activities and 1 night a week she goes to after school club, another night she’s at ExHs but has her own there so isn’t actually off it. Weekends were always trickier as she’s only here EOW but I’d compromise with her and we’d go swimming or she’d have a party of a school friend or we’d go out for a walk etc. so she wouldn’t have it until after dinner on Sundays. She has her own tablet purely because I don’t have one and I don’t really want her on my computer or phone. It’s completely locked down; childrens youtube with selected channels, no ability to download or purchase anything etc. (I can do these things for her if needed).

She was only allowed on the switch at weekends for half an hour (parental controls on that thing are amazing) and she’d lose half an hour on her tablet if she chose to go on the switch.

During the lockdown I was less strict with it, she had to do any English or Maths work recommended by school, and read to me from our collection of ORT books but then she could have 90 minutes per day doing whatever on the tablet. She was also allowed 1 hour twice a week on the switch.

She returned to school at the start of June. Every morning she tells me (not asks) that she is going on her tablet or the switch after school, if I tell her no because we’re doing playdoh or baking or watching a film together she screams at me saying she hates me and she wants to live with her dad. She tells me she hates me I’m horrible and that dad is much nicer. She kicks off if it’s bedtime and has been known when the parental controls kick in on either the tablet or the switch to thrown the device shouting it’s not fair. She’s told her teacher at school that I’m mean for not letting her go on “whenever she wants” (thankfully her teacher has 2 DCs slightly older and is strict on their screentime so gets it), she’s also told the same teacher that when she goes to high school she’s living with her dad. She sometimes refuses to go to school until I promise she can play them after school, if I say no I have to drag her in kicking and screaming shouting that I'm not her mum and she hates me.

ExH lets DD do whatever she wants, stay up until whenever, no restrictions on screentime, doesn’t feed her proper meals just lets her eat sweets or gets a takeaway, never takes her anywhere. Pretty sure he doesn’t have any toys for her at his house. He has her EOW for 24 hours and 1 night a week for tea and I know on the night she’s there for tea she comes back grumpy, shouty and not wanting to go to bed. I know he also lets her play on whatever she wants to whereas I only let her play games rated Pegi 7 or below on switch and recommended for up to age 8 on tablet. Often when I pick her up on his weekend she falls asleep in the car (he lives 20 minutes’ drive from me).

In terms of screentime I’m one of the more relaxed parents about it in her class, most of her friends only go on tablets at school and the ones that use them at home get an hour at the weekend only. One of her best friends isn’t even allowed to watch TV (I have that on constantly for company mainly but forget to switch it off so DD watches it) and her mum gets upset if she finds out she’s been on a tablet or computer at school.

I don’t really want to get rid of the switch as I also play it (for an hour or so a day once DDs in bed I go on one of my consoles) but if I have to I will as I also have a PS4 but DD doesn’t play on that (she knows what it is though and uses it as a DVD player) although I do play games only available on the switch (Animal Crossing, Cooking Mama etc) so would be sad to sell it but I think it’s the only way to stop DD behaving like a spoilt brat.

Any other solutions I’m at my wits end with it?

YANBU - Sell the devices
YABU - Don't sell

[teaflake]

Half an hour a day is a rubbish time limit. Better to have 1.5 hours, fewer times a week, so you can really get into something, achieve a specific level (which may involve replaying the level a few times, if you fail initially.)

[WutheringTights]

Another thought, would a routine help? Our screen time usually takes place at roughly the same time each day (not massively rigid or structured, but mainly because that was time that worked best each day). Made it predictable though, DC always know that at roughly that time they get to go on screens and screen time stops when the next thing happens.

[LegitSnack]

I feel sorry for her. She's 6. Her parents are literally opposites in their parenting styles. She's had her world turned upside down. She won't know if she's coming or going.

And her mum is considering throwing her things away.

Cruel.

[WutheringTights]

@teaflake

Half an hour a day is a rubbish time limit. Better to have 1.5 hours, fewer times a week, so you can really get into something, achieve a specific level (which may involve replaying the level a few times, if you fail initially.)

Depends on the child. Mine prefers the certainty of having time each day. Also, with activities, ASC etc most days, half an hour is all that's available. We do probably stretch it at weekends tbh and have just moved bedtime slightly later so might allow more once the schools are properly back.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

The fact that her parents are using completely different parenting styles is not her fault and you saying that her resulting behaviour makes her a spoilt brat is horrible. She is so little still!

[DeeTractor]

It's a waste of time having them at all considering how little she is allowed to use them.

[Tsubasa1]

There is plenty of research that shows that interactive screentime is worse than TV (for many reasons). You can google it. This is a very unpopular opinion on musmnet though.

[TheHighestSardine]

Got any science cites for that @tsubasa1? There's loads of fearmongering crap on the internet.

[saraclara]

The half an hour limit and then cut off is stress inducing. I'm sitting here on my laptop imagining being part way through reading a thread or posting something when it just shuts down.
I can also imagine the anxiety of doing something and knowing the minutes are ticking down.

You need a more relaxed way of monitoring her, that doesn't involve winding her up.

[PeskyRooks]

That mum from school who gets upset when their child goes on a computer at school is nuts!

[FrameyMcFrame]

In some ways I'm with her... why did you buy her these toys if you're restricting the use of them so extremely?

You can't actually enjoy games such as these on the switch if you're only allowed 30 minutes per week.

She must be just getting into the gameplay then she has to stop.

No wonder she's frustrated!!

[Gogogadgetarms]

I don’t let my DD5 on the iPad after school because I want to interact with her as she’s been at school all day. But then she’s only at school 2 days a week at the moment.
On non-school days she can watch you tube for a couple of hours mid-day, as long as she’s good during her home school time (which always happens first).
She doesn’t have a games console but then I don’t restrict say online learning games if she’s already been watching you tube.
She probably does spend too long on it compared to her peer group but I make sure it’s a balance between the tablet plus other activities. If it became a daily argument i’d tell her the tablet would disappear. If she moans about coming off it I tell her she’ll get less time tomorrow if it’s becoming a problem. She understands it’s not her right, it’s a reward.
In your shoes I’d take it away. Yes she might be angry with you for a while but surely that’s better then daily arguments over it?

[okiedokieme]

I think you need to compromise - playing games is probably better than tv and movies. I would give her a chart with a set number of stars a week (I personally would go for 15 mins per star and she gets 28 per week, an hour per day) and she can learn that extra one day means less another, rather than a set amount per day.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Obviously her dad sounds completely irresponsible and I’d be trying to change what happens when she’s there. But I think you are being too strict. I think the amount of time you allow your child on screens is too short. She’ll just be getting into a game and it’s time to come off. There should be restrictions but I think you would have less problems if you allowed her on for a decent amount of time. And I wouldn’t believe a word of what the school mums say. Screens are a part of life now, they’re not the enemy.

[Snigletted]

I found we had the same, so I instigated a no iPad/Switch on a school day. It is much easier to control and we let them have a bit longer at the weekend. They couldn't follow the logic of why they could have it one day but not the next.

Half an hour is not actually that long, especially if she is in the middle of something.

Tantrumming or throwing when asked to stop is an immediate ban for the next week. I often use the phrase "If you're not old enough to turn it off when asked, then you're not old enough to play with it!"

Why would you have to get rid of the Switch if you use it. You could just put it out of sight and get it out once she's in bed. That's totally irrational!

[NotGenerationAlpha]

I have no idea why you want her to watch a film togther but not ok with tablet or switch? It seems very inconsistent as screen time is screen time. She might not like to bake or watch a film. I have a 5 and 9 yo and neither of them do. Baking is just them licking the batter.

I think it's a reaction to no boundaries at her Dad's too. I don't know how you can fix it.

But one thing about the switch. Does she play animal crossing? Can you set her up at your island? My 9yo likes talking animal crossing with me. I help her with meteors and recipes and teaches her how to make gold. I see it as bonding time anyway. (The meteor one is time travelling to the evening when I know there's a meteor so she can make wishes too).

[NotGenerationAlpha]

By the way, it does mean 9yo gets to use the switch every day for animal crossing. (She also plays other games). But she knows she can only get on it once she's finished homework. She's also got chores she needs to do before playing, like tidying up her room. You can try very clear guidelines on when she can start using her screen and when it's bed time so she needs to stop?

[saraclara]

When my kids got home from school (pre tablet and game console times) they just crashed in front of the TV for an hour at least. They need to decompress after a day of school, and it definitely isn't a 'quality time with mum' point of the day for any kid. So I don't see much of a problem with her having screen time then. An hour a day every day I don't think it excessive (and I'm really not a fan in general).

But this is the world she's growing up in. There's a limit to how much you can or should fight it. The restrictions you have on it at this point (and presumably your attitude to it) make screen time even more desirable to her.
Think about the kids denied sweets and chocolate, who go mad on forbidden fruits as soon as they get to spend their own money. It's the same thing.

[timeforawine]

Each to their own but my 4 year old has unrestricted access to her kindle fire and as such doesn't use it much, when she does use it she mixes between a movie or the educational (phonics/numbers/maths) games we have put on it, she might be on it for 30 mins before putting it down in favour of toys. Same with TV, she'll ask for it on but after a little while wanders off to play.
Maybe try allowing more time, see if how she does? I'd want no tantrums though and homework done

[TeamLannister]

You're being ridiculous and pretty mean to a small child. You should be capable of setting appropriate boundaries without such drastic actions. If I did that to my DD she would never forgive me and I wouldn't blame her. She has an age appropriate amount of screen time, but she loves it and I would never take that away from her.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

The restrictions you have on it at this point (and presumably your attitude to it) make screen time even more desirable to her. Think about the kids denied sweets and chocolate, who go mad on forbidden fruits as soon as they get to spend their own money. It's the same thing.

This! I was massively restricted with the amount of chocolate and crisps I could have. Think one bar of chocolate OR one bag of crisps a week. I’m now an adult who struggles to regulate my own intake of those things.

Being so restrictive will not help her in the long run.

[whoiscooking]

I agree with lots of pp that you're too controlling with this.
She's not even six, your rules were relaxed in lockdown which was a weird and difficult time for lots of kids, now she's back at school for a few weeks getting used to the routine again, and has parents with different rules about screens to adjust to. Sounds like she's really struggling actually.

I think you need to completely reset your own thinking about this and start again. Your rules are very restrictive- why? Some limits are important to help kids moderate themselves but rules for the sake of rules, or just to show who's in control, are unnecessary and often counterproductive.

[Mary8076]

I'm strict with screentime too and I follow the limits recommended by experts, maximum one hour a day up to 12yo, 2 hours up to 18yo, that includes any screen (TV, tablet, phones, PC,...). It's strongly recommended also to block the devices one hour before bedtime and during the night. I stick with it my also with my teen daughters, the reasons to do that are very important and at 5yo IMO it is not questionable. At her age one hour a day could be even too much, it depends on what she is doing there, the quality time, for education apps it's good, only for games or useless stuff it's too much. 30 or 45 minutes a day on Saturday and Sunday could be better than 90 in one weekend day.

I think getting rid of the devices is not a solution, what will happen when she will be 8, 10 or 14yo? You will face the same situation more intensely with bigger problems.
So stick with the screen limits on the devices, use the parental control to do that (Google Family Link for android or Family Sharing for apple devices, totally free and very good). The problem is not the screen time limit, the problem is her behavior.
Talk with her, explain the good reasons for having the screen limits, let her see some website with these reasons (too much screen time could be bad for your health, sleep, brain, impulse control, obesity, communication skills, depression, antisocial behavior, bullying, drop-off in educational activities,...), probably she wont say explicitly "you are right" but she will be aware it's right, make clear you understand her frustration but you love her and as a good parent you are just doing what needs to be done. Help her doing more healthy things and
hopefully at same point she will stop complaining.

She needs to accept to have limits, growing up means that too, accepting and following rules and boundaries (especially when these are in your own best interest). Sometime having too much leads to be a spoilt brat, less makes you appreciate what you have or what you are missing, if she keeps complaining you could reduce screentime in the weekend to half an hour or even not at all for a week until she stop doing that and restore it when she will have good behavior. But first thing, try to make her understand it's all in her best interest.

[KitKat2020]

Every morning she tells me (not asks) that she is going on her tablet or the switch after school, if I tell her no...she screams she hates me

Are there times when you don’t say no? Children can kick off if they think a parent will change their answer, based on how the parent has acted previously. It’s more of a challenge for your child, as it sounds like her dad has provides no boundaries. My advice would be that you take a consistent firm but fair approach. Keep at it and over time she will grow to accept that there are different rules in your house, and her dad’s house.

You could set up a new routine where she ‘earns’ her screen time, and give her choice and control around when she uses it. There are some jars and sets you can buy online to use as a reward system.

When it comes to switching games off, I second the previous comments about something like a 10 min warning. 5 year olds are still learning to regulate their emotions and can’t fully manage their own behaviour. Parents can help by letting children know what’s coming up, or what is expected of them.

[SolutionsforScreens]

If I let her have it unrestricted she'd never go to bed, as she doesn't go at her dads when he lets her have it unrestricted, he's talked about wrestling it off her. I have tried to talk about his lack of boundaries but he just shrugs and says it never did him any harm.

The difference between the TV and the Tablet/Switch is that if she gets bored she gets up to play with her toys. She's quite creative in her games. She will also talk to me if the TVs on, if she;s on her tablet her headphones are on and she ignores me or if she's on the switch I get told to be quiet so she can listen to the music/the speech.

Usually I wouldn't force her to do anything after school as pre-covid she was doing 2 extra-curricular activities immediately after school, was at ASC once a week and then at her dads so the once or sometimes twice a week we were home there didn't seem much point but she's only in for 3 full days atm, not seeing her dad and no ASC or activities, I don't want her to sit all evening or all day on the tablet/switch.

I take the point about parental controls though, they do shut the console/tablet down midway through, although both give warnings with big numbers on so she knows how long she has left, but I might take the shutdown bit off and give her a chance to finish a level/game.

I just don't like her attitude towards it. I get that I play but it doesn't take over my life, I don't get upset if i can't play (I don't play everyday but most days) whereas DD seems to. She doesn't like me playing on the switch with her, she tells me I do it wrong. She is on Animal Crossing and has her own house etc. but I'm not allowed to help her with it I just get attitude back.

My attitude towards is that it's ok in moderation but shouldn't be a given right. I like the idea of her earning the time and her losing it if she gives any attitude or rudeness in the morning, I think a week is too long but 48 hour lose should do the trick. I think loosening the time up a bit atm when she's not doing activities etc.

My DD always has a choice, her after school activities are her choice, she goes to the ASC that she chose etc. If she doesn't want to do the suggested activity with me then that's fine. I don't think I'm overly controlling.