To feel a bit upset by my mother's plans to move.

[eatsleepread]

Hi all. Have done my first ever name change for this, as I feared it may be a little outing.
Thing is, I know I'm being unreasonable. But I think that reading a different perspective will actually help me here.
I have never been a demanding daughter, and am very self-sufficient in general and when it comes to raising my children. I've had to be. The rest of my family (by this I mean parents and siblings) live in each other's pockets, but I've always been the one to live further away, due to work or whatever. These days we live an hour apart. I'm the only one not to drive, so it takes me about three times as long, door to door, by public transport.
My mum (young, fit and healthy) visits us three times a year maximum. I travel through to see her more often. We get on well and enjoy a close relationship. Over the years I have had to work hard at managing my expectations of her. She's great, but fairly aloof and not overly maternal. She wouldn't do the small grandparental things, such as phoning my child on the first day of her new school to ask how it went. She was depressed when we were growing up, and completely unavailable emotionally. Things got better as we hit our teens, and these days it's pretty good.
She recently sold the family home (my parents divorced years ago and she lives alone), and is looking for somewhere new to buy. Bit hard at the moment, but doesn't stop her looking online etc. Her dream was always to go a bit more rural; somewhere lovely with good walks. I have always encouraged her to go for it, and really want her to be happy. I've been helping her look for places online too.
Yesterday she had a viewing of an empty property. Somewhere that has been gutted out and done up beautifully. She loved it. It's right by the beach and will suit her needs in many ways.
Thing is, I selfishly feel a bit down about the location of it. For me to visit, it would entail two trains and a short ferry ride, plus walking between each form of transport. It would take HOURS and be quite an expensive trip (I'm a single mum).
I KNOW I'm being selfish. But I had hoped to come out of lockdown seeing a bit more of mum, not far less.
My siblings are on the right side of the country for it, so it will be easier for them. She has always been a bit insular, and I totally understand that the distance doesn't bother her as much. But now that it's looking likely this sale will go ahead, I feel strangely sad about it.
She always told me that my decision to move an hour away meant that's why she doesn't visit me as much (my children's father is here, which is why I prioritised it), but an hour's drive in the car is nothing compared to the journey to see her if she moves.
AIBU?
Thanks in advance

[eatsleepread]

@biglittlemedium

That WAS in an automatic

[eatsleepread]

All lessons and 8 tests, I mean. I'm not a hopeless case when it comes to much in my life, but apparently am when it comes to driving ...

[TheMandalorian]

It is a bit sad to be so far away but I don't think that's your mums fault.
My mum learnt to drive an automatic age about 60, a few years after my dad passed away.
I wonder if you could move closer too, however you may find ahe still doesnt engage with your family.
We live 2hrs and 5hrs drive from most of our family. It is difficult not being able to pop round in an evening or have someone to do the occasional babysitting. But we love this city and there are no jobs in our fields where dm and pil are located.

[diddl]

Do you both work full time?

Even so if you are only an hrs drive away & she only does it 3 times a year, I can't help feeling that she's not that bothered about seeing you.

How often does she see your siblings?

[LightenUpSummer]

YANBU to be sad. This is the sort of thing my DM would do. Some people just think their parenting role ends at 18 (at the latest). In my DM's case she was never maternal to start with. I on the other hand, would be more like some parents I heard of who moved countries to follow their dc/grandchildren!

[Ravenclawgirl]

My DM and DMIL both learned to drive in their 50's. My DM is still driving now at 86. It would be very liberating for you if you learned. It's never too late.

[AvoidingRealHumans]

I know how you feel, we grew up in london and when I had children I moved about 45mins drive away. Completely doable and saw my family regularly.

Then my mum and her husband wanted to move to Devon, had been a dream of theirs forever and we were all grown up.
I was so happy for them to have their dream home by a gorgeous beach and much better quality of life but I was secretly upset for myself.
They are a massive part of our lives and them being a 5 hour (minimum) drive away made our time together much less infrequent.
We could usually just go for dinner at theirs and come home but now we have to plan visits and work out school holidays, annual leave etc.

I had to understand and accept that this is what they wanted to do and it was nothing to do with anyone else. Above all her personal happiness is important as much as it impacts us.

It is a shame when this happens but we do have better quality time together now I think so that's a plus.

[AvoidingRealHumans]

More infrequent *

[lifestooshort123]

YANBU but there isn't an easy solution. We planned on retiring to Spain but when the time came my daughter was a single mum and would have fallen apart without our support so we stayed. I haven't regretted it. I agree with the others about staying with her in the holidays for longer but think you need to lay your cards on the table now before she moves. It isn't about being needy but it is about feeling your mum cares enough about you and your children to commit to this. Good luck.

[User8008135]

She always told me that my decision to move an hour away meant that's why she doesn't visit me as much

To be honest i think shes unreasonable for this and from now on visits should be 50/50. Does she expect you to visit her still? Be putting in more of the effort? Or would she happily not see each other as much?

[okiedokieme]

Parents can move to wherever they like, my parents lived 3 hours away so the kids saw them perhaps 4 times a year. They live their life. You not driving isn't her fault, perhaps it's time to learn? My kids always stayed with my parents for a week each summer which meant I got a break, how about that as an idea?

[HaveYouSeenMyBones]

I think both emotions can exist concurrently. You be happy for her and sad you will see her less often. You can support her in following her dream and also grieve your lack of proximity.

However, you never know what the future brings and I have found myself living from from, and close to, different family members at different times in my life - all unpredictably.

[Jaichangecentfoisdenom]

@eatsleepread: Please try to learn to drive and take the test again! Maybe if you have the aim of being able to drive to see your mother at the end of it, it will make it more worthwhile for you? I tried and failed at several stages of my life, from the age of 18, on a manual, and finally passed my test, aged 36, after having been on a week's intensive residential course in Swindon (home of a Magic Roundabout!). I still hate driving, to be honest, but at least I can get myself around from A to B, in my own time and not dependent on anyone else. Good luck with it all!

[TheBouquets]

How did it come about that you are the only family member who lives at a distance to the other members of the family. If I am correct that you work in a school, you could get a job in any school and so you will have had the chance to move closer to family.
It is not always about being a mother for life. Sometimes the daughters do not see themselves as a daughter for life. Sometimes the daughters' partners do not like the partner/daughter being close to their birth family.
I am someone who moved away from the family. It took a lot of hard thinking before I took that step. I realised that I was the one who did as much as I could for others but there was nothing coming back. I am sad but I have to live the best way I can.
Perhaps if you think of your DM move as something she has done for herself, you live away from her area and perhaps those who live closer have been expecting a lot from DM.
Try to discuss it further with DM until you fully understand her reasons.

[Jaichangecentfoisdenom]

*it will make it more worthwhile for you, perhaps?

[Lovely1a2b3c]

I think I'd feel really hurt that she only visits three times a year when she is one hour away. I think this demonstrates that she is not really bothering with you and your family.

Some people with unavailable parents bend over backwards to please them. It's probably best not to and just to enjoy your own little family instead.

[NoHardSell]

She was emotionally unavailable when you were young and in all honesty it sounds like she still is, and you are still craving a connection. I'd consider counselling, just a few sessions maybe, to talk it over. It's like starting a thread on mumsnet really - just better!

[CtrlU]

Your not unreasonable to be upset. I would be sad if my family moved miles away which took hours to get to and from to visit each other.

I wish you guys well and I hope you pass your driving test this time so it will make the trips to see her much easier x

[anothermansmother]

I think she has to live where she is happy. My mum lives 75miles away. When my dc were small I didn't drive and it required 2 buses and 2 trains to get there, and I used to visit all the time, then one day I realised if she wanted to see me and her grandchildren then she needed to put more effort in. Once they were both in school we went about 3 times a year and when she said you should come down I just replied with you're welcome here any time until she got the point.
Tell your mum how you feel, by the sounds of it your relationship won't change but some people need it pointing out to them.

[BubblesBuddy]

I think there are driving instructors who can teach the very nervous and those who seemingly cannot learn. Parents cannot be responsible for DC forever so I think you need to revisit the driving. It will enhance the lives of your family and its vital in my view. If she moves further away, you have a real push to drive. Do have another go.

PS: My family who do not drive never visit our mum. And I mean never. When she is elderly, will you visit her? How will you do this if you do not drive? Will you be ok with this?

[sixthtimelucky]

YANBU. You're not being demanding or selfish, you are just hurt.

I am actually in a spookily similar situation, OP. Even the stuff about your childhood. The difference is I am relieved to have physical space between us now that she's many hours away as I'm fairly insular too and I only want to see her a few times a year.

What would happen if you opened a conversation with her saying that you're happy and excited for her but you are also going to miss her terribly?

[LightenUpSummer]

lifestooshort123 that was lovely of you

[ScubaSteven]

I feel for you OP, it's difficult knowing that she'll be so far away. The thing I'd be thinking about is if she was closer does that mean you'd see her more? In my experience, closer doesn't mean more frequent. My parents live close and we see them almost every day (pre lockdown) but then my MIL lives in the next town and pre lockdown we hadn't seen her since Christmas (she's seen other family members who live close to us, but that's a whole other thread). We just don't see her that much, so distance might be a pain but maybe it won't change the frequency of how often you see her as much as you think it will.

[okiedokieme]

Ps I learned to drive late 30's - can't work out why I found it hard now, took 50 lessons!

[Angelonia]

I agree with diddl. The fact that you're only an hour's drive away at the moment and she rarely comes shows that you aren't that high up in her priorities. It's a sad thing to realise that, so YANBU to be upset at this further evidence.

Still, it's nice that you have a basically good relationship. From now on it will be more based around phone calls, and perhaps a week's holiday at her house once or twice a year?