To feel a bit upset by my mother's plans to move.

[eatsleepread]

Hi all. Have done my first ever name change for this, as I feared it may be a little outing.
Thing is, I know I'm being unreasonable. But I think that reading a different perspective will actually help me here.
I have never been a demanding daughter, and am very self-sufficient in general and when it comes to raising my children. I've had to be. The rest of my family (by this I mean parents and siblings) live in each other's pockets, but I've always been the one to live further away, due to work or whatever. These days we live an hour apart. I'm the only one not to drive, so it takes me about three times as long, door to door, by public transport.
My mum (young, fit and healthy) visits us three times a year maximum. I travel through to see her more often. We get on well and enjoy a close relationship. Over the years I have had to work hard at managing my expectations of her. She's great, but fairly aloof and not overly maternal. She wouldn't do the small grandparental things, such as phoning my child on the first day of her new school to ask how it went. She was depressed when we were growing up, and completely unavailable emotionally. Things got better as we hit our teens, and these days it's pretty good.
She recently sold the family home (my parents divorced years ago and she lives alone), and is looking for somewhere new to buy. Bit hard at the moment, but doesn't stop her looking online etc. Her dream was always to go a bit more rural; somewhere lovely with good walks. I have always encouraged her to go for it, and really want her to be happy. I've been helping her look for places online too.
Yesterday she had a viewing of an empty property. Somewhere that has been gutted out and done up beautifully. She loved it. It's right by the beach and will suit her needs in many ways.
Thing is, I selfishly feel a bit down about the location of it. For me to visit, it would entail two trains and a short ferry ride, plus walking between each form of transport. It would take HOURS and be quite an expensive trip (I'm a single mum).
I KNOW I'm being selfish. But I had hoped to come out of lockdown seeing a bit more of mum, not far less.
My siblings are on the right side of the country for it, so it will be easier for them. She has always been a bit insular, and I totally understand that the distance doesn't bother her as much. But now that it's looking likely this sale will go ahead, I feel strangely sad about it.
She always told me that my decision to move an hour away meant that's why she doesn't visit me as much (my children's father is here, which is why I prioritised it), but an hour's drive in the car is nothing compared to the journey to see her if she moves.
AIBU?
Thanks in advance

[CrowdedHouseinQuarantine]

is she going to be too isolated do you think?

[CrowdedHouseinQuarantine]

yanbu,
that's a shame,
however you have ruled out driving.
just stay for a week or so at a time, you have the holidays dont you?
dont be sad for her, be pleased. you say yourself she is not very maternal.

[BubblesBuddy]

Thousands of people move away for jobs. It’s life. Your siblings obviously haven’t but I don’t think your mum should not move to where she wants to be. You took a view on where you needed to be and she’s doing the same. You aren’t a child that needs visits. You have to be the adult and visit her and learn to drive.

[1forAll74]

It is good that your Mum is kind of following her dream now, and doing what she wishes to do, she sounds quite independent,and outgoing,so wish her well.

[LightenUpSummer]

Oops didn’t finish!

That was 22 years ago and they all decided it meant I ‘abandoned’ them and they have barely had anything to do with me since. It’s been heartbreaking. But they’re not very nice people and that’s the hand I was dealt.

[LightenUpSummer]

I moved an hour away from my family as there were no jobs nearby (very rural)

[Megatron]

I wonder how your mum felt when you put your needs first? You can't then feel upset that she puts her needs first. That would be very hypocritical.

To be fair @NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite, the OP may have had a job which meant that she had to be further away, we don't know that that's not the case. And moving to be near her children's father is putting their needs first, not necessarily hers.

[Megatron]

OP, I think that in the nicest possible way, you need to suck this up. If she will be happy, that should be priority really. It won't be impossible to visit, just harder so perhaps you could arrange to stay for longer?

It was a 7 hour drive for us to visit my parents but we did it every 6/8 weeks until they died. Lots of sitting in traffic on the motorway etc but it's just the way it goes sometimes.

Could you think about one of those intensive driving courses? Really commit to it?

[NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite]

"I've always been the one to live further away, due to work or whatever."
I wonder how your mum felt when you put your needs first? You can't then feel upset that she puts her needs first. That would be very hypocritical.

Have you had a chat and told her that you are pleased for her but also disappointed because it will be harder to visit her and you hoped to continue with the closer relationship after lockdown?

[time4anothername]

Have you dipped in to the Stately Homes threads? You keep giving, she keeps taking. You sound lovely, helpful, doing everything you can to be accepted and loved by your Mum and her dismissing you - not making efforts to visit you or taking notice of your DCs' important events. I'd stop modelling that to your DC, accept your Mum is not the Mum you would wish for but that you are a loveable, likable person who does not need to chase for Mum's love and attention anymore.

[Nearlyalmost50]

I don't think there's much equivalence between moving an hour's drive away and moving somewhere which would be too far to reach for a weekend.

It's difficult, I have two parents/IL's in different countries and basically I don't go and see them very much, because I would end up spending every penny and all annual leave going to visit them and I don't want to. Having to always make that your holiday instead of having actual relaxing holidays in different parts of the world gets tiresome after a while.

In this instance, the fact that you get on well is a bonus, and it sounds like one trip a year will be doable, perhaps two. As your mum gets older she may not want to travel so much herself, she is obviously fit and healthy now, but who knows? It sounds like you have reasons to be sad about the slight coldness/distance, and this is just playing into that, but I think the relationship does sound like it has legs and, sounds awful, but you won't be caring for her when she's older, and so far away, will you?

[diddl]

"She always told me that my decision to move an hour away meant that's why she doesn't visit me as much"

I missed that-it's very petty imo.

I used to be an hr away when I first married & the kids were young-my parents came every week as it was easier for them to travel to me.

Even if husband & I were going for the weekend, they'd still do the mid week visit as they liked the day with just me & the kids.

When I moved abroad my parents would come a couple of times a year for 4/5 weeks each time.

I think if you get on well enough, as a pp has said, then week long visits if possible.

Are you still with your children's father-if not, does she think that you should have moved back?

If yes-can't he ever drive you or doesn't he drive either?

[Lifeaback]

YANBU to feel sad, it’s a shame for you. It sounds like it will be a lovely move for your mother though and I would try and focus on the positives and be excited for her. As the new house is by the sea, think about how great it will be for your kids to be able to enjoy days on the beach with her etc. You might see her less, but the time you spend with her will be higher quality time and more of a trip than a short visit.

One of the great things about growing older and having independent children is you finally get to be selfish. It’s a shame the journey will be longer, but it’s not as if she lives around the corner now and you see her daily/rely on her for childcare so as much as it’s not ideal, it won’t be a huge change.

Are you able to learn to drive? Driving would make the journey much less of an issue

[GabsAlot]

it is sad but then you did move away from her first she prob doesnt see it as a problem

i took 5 tests altogeher 3 in a manual it just didnt click for me trying to do the gears the same time was driving so when i started again i done automatic-i was still very anxious but got here in the end-best thing i did gave me so much freedon i wouldnt see my family half as much if i didnt drive

[Angelonia]

Btw my grandmother lived a 5-6 hour journey away throughout my childhood, and I had a lovely relationship with her.

[SusieOwl4]

yes its sad and I don't see any problem with you saying that to her so she knows how she feels - but understand that it is her decision .

[monkeyonthetable]

Of course YANBU to be sad. You feel what you feel. But bear in mind as your DC get older, travelling even tricky journeys become so much easier - they help with bags, they work out which platform you need to get to next, they entertain themselves with books and card games etc. As long as your mum doesn't mind putting you all up for several days to make the visit worthwhile, it could be really memorable for them to have long train and ferry journeys to go and visit grandma by the seaside.

[Coffeecak3]

If you work in a school I would plan to have 2/3 week holidays. It would be amazing for your dc to have long summer holidays by the sea.

[Angelonia]

I agree with diddl. The fact that you're only an hour's drive away at the moment and she rarely comes shows that you aren't that high up in her priorities. It's a sad thing to realise that, so YANBU to be upset at this further evidence.

Still, it's nice that you have a basically good relationship. From now on it will be more based around phone calls, and perhaps a week's holiday at her house once or twice a year?

[okiedokieme]

Ps I learned to drive late 30's - can't work out why I found it hard now, took 50 lessons!

[ScubaSteven]

I feel for you OP, it's difficult knowing that she'll be so far away. The thing I'd be thinking about is if she was closer does that mean you'd see her more? In my experience, closer doesn't mean more frequent. My parents live close and we see them almost every day (pre lockdown) but then my MIL lives in the next town and pre lockdown we hadn't seen her since Christmas (she's seen other family members who live close to us, but that's a whole other thread). We just don't see her that much, so distance might be a pain but maybe it won't change the frequency of how often you see her as much as you think it will.

[LightenUpSummer]

lifestooshort123 that was lovely of you

[sixthtimelucky]

YANBU. You're not being demanding or selfish, you are just hurt.

I am actually in a spookily similar situation, OP. Even the stuff about your childhood. The difference is I am relieved to have physical space between us now that she's many hours away as I'm fairly insular too and I only want to see her a few times a year.

What would happen if you opened a conversation with her saying that you're happy and excited for her but you are also going to miss her terribly?

[BubblesBuddy]

I think there are driving instructors who can teach the very nervous and those who seemingly cannot learn. Parents cannot be responsible for DC forever so I think you need to revisit the driving. It will enhance the lives of your family and its vital in my view. If she moves further away, you have a real push to drive. Do have another go.

PS: My family who do not drive never visit our mum. And I mean never. When she is elderly, will you visit her? How will you do this if you do not drive? Will you be ok with this?

[anothermansmother]

I think she has to live where she is happy. My mum lives 75miles away. When my dc were small I didn't drive and it required 2 buses and 2 trains to get there, and I used to visit all the time, then one day I realised if she wanted to see me and her grandchildren then she needed to put more effort in. Once they were both in school we went about 3 times a year and when she said you should come down I just replied with you're welcome here any time until she got the point.
Tell your mum how you feel, by the sounds of it your relationship won't change but some people need it pointing out to them.