AIBU? Vacuous risqué Instagram "influencing"

[Dollyparton3]

I'm probably going to sound like an old duffer here but here we go:

We've just had our 4th ding dong with my 19 year old SD. She thinks that Instagram is the centre of the universe, more important than any of her real life relationships and worth not seeing any of her extended family during lockdown for.

For context, she posted yet another Katie price wannabe image a few weeks back, the most extreme/revealing yet and luckily another family member jumped in to advise her that it was over the line. Her father (my DH) has tackled this with her numerous times and it always results in her refusing to engage with him in any way for months (the longest was 9 months before) so it's not that he doesn't step up, our other very close family member took the baton before we even passed it.

She has a public profile with 3,300 followers, when you scroll onto their profiles they're mostly older men who only follow other girls with the same sleazy stuff in their profiles.

SD refuses to engage with any of us on the subject and has blocked everyone, choosing to sit at her mums in lockdown and sulk. The irony is that we can still see what she's posting because it's a public profile.

She's an intellectual girl, but when I look at some of the girls who have commented on her image "omg, you're unreal" "love you babes, so much I want to cry" etc etc they all have the same stuff going on. All profiles with over 100 vacuous selfies, tag the occasional boohoo outfit and gain several hundred likes from old men who should know better. I have no doubt that the DM's she gets from some of these men turn the air blue.

AIBU in feeling extreme resentment towards the trend that has turned some of our most promising young women into tarts with no concern over their privacy or safety? It's as if the competition is fierce to do the most daring and risky stuff online just to get likes.

[Ginfordinner]

Sadly, there isn't much you can do about it. I feel uncomfortable about the way shallow and vain young girls feel that the only way they feel validated is by posting nonsense like this on social media.

DD posts on Instagram, but she is neither shallow nor vain. She has never posted anything provocative on social media, preferring to portray pictures of her having a good time with friends.

[PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock]

If I'm entirely honest your posts reek of disdain, how she falls short, how she could be someone/something but she isn't, how she doesn't fit your awesome,quirky,out of the box family you have. Everything you post is about how she doesn't live up to your standards. The thing is,even if you are right, if she picked up on that,you'll always be in the wrong.

[Suziet12]

You do have a point. Has she considered if she applies for a professional job later that nothing is hidden in the internet? Think of Story of tweets Made by a guy when he was 18 and 10 years later he was sacked as his company found then. Once you post something it’s always there - that’s what my nieces and nephews learn in school PSHE as they were telling me.

[edwinbear]

YANBU OP, it’s desperately sad how young women are so fixated with posting sultry pics of themselves on SM and how much value they place on sleazy guys liking them.

[BumpBundle]

As I've already covered, it's very archaic to not hire someone for having their cleavage out on their own social media. I'm all in favour of employers checking social media before hiring someone but it should be done to check for racism or homophobia not just to judge their personal choices. If you would refrain from hiring the best person for the job because you don't like what they choose to do with their spare time (and it has ZERO impact on you) then I certainly wouldn't want you hiring for anywhere that I work - and you could get yourself in some serious hot water if you were asked to explain why you didn't hire someone and you said it was based on your own prejudice.

[BumpBundle]

Also, this issue with her cutting herself off from family isn't instagram's fault - it's yours!! If you would stop trying to control a grown woman and stop trying to involve everyone else in what she chooses to do then she would have no need to stop talking to you.
Quite frankly, if I saw anyone speak about me the way you've spoken about her then I'd want to cut them off too.

[BumpBundle]

I'm going to address the elephant in the room - it's no more pathetic to get validation off pervs on instagram than off frumpy housewives on mumsnet...and that's all of us here ladies...

[Suziet12]

it's very archaic to not hire someone for having their cleavage out on their own social media

Think of jobs like teaching. If the kids found them somehow. I know many stories where this has happened to TA and teachers. No one sacked them outright but older kids found the pictures on their SM page. My friend is a teacher and has to be very careful about posting holiday snaps and setting privacy to only allow friends to view.

[Suziet12]

Sorry went off tangent. OP I feel for you but remember it’s her choice and she has parents. It’s lovely if you to care so much for her. I think sometimes we need to let kids make own choices. Mine are very small but I’ve seen with siblings kids.

[Ireolu]

I'm mid 30s and the whole influencer/Instagram thing is a misnomer to me. I don't get it, never will.

I feel we should look first to the people within our lives that set good examples. Not to be taken by the online façade (as ultimately that's all it is). Aim is to teach my kid to be her own trendsetter and validator. So yes I understand your frustration.

[icansmellburningleaves]

She’s an adult and you’re not her mother. She’ll learn.

[Xenia]

It sounds like there is a tinge of jealousy in this and it is her body and she's 19 and an adult so up to her what she does.

[Drag0nflye]

YANBU OP

[BumpBundle]

@Suziet12 I said in my post that I used to be a teacher. They ADVISE that you make anything like that private so students can't find it but it's not a rule. She's 19, she's not a teacher, it won't prevent her becoming a teacher - it's just that if she does choose to become a teacher then they'll probably advise her to make it private. Why is that so concerning that OP should be allowed to try and control her own bodily autonomy?

[ChilliCheese123]

I’d be more worried about it affecting job choices in the future

A friend of mine became a social worker after a pretty successful career doing some niche grown up modeling (think burlesque type, latex, bondage gear etc) she was successful and had a great time and we all supported her but when she came to look for a job she had to make sure it wasn’t connected to her in any way. Had to go off all her socials etc

[BumpBundle]

@ChilliCheese123 So, your friend did something far more risqué than OP's SD is doing. Then she applied for one of the most restrictive jobs regarding social media...and had no issues but needed to change her privacy settings.
As a result of that encounter, you're worried about SD's job prospects? Explain that logic to me.

[BusyProcrastinator]

I don’t think YABU except to call her a tart. Hopefully she’ll grow out of it or you can distract her with other activities and encourage her to develop Healthier interests.

Studies are coming out about the addictive and destructive effects of social media. People really do get a hit out of likes, and it really does have a negative effect on self esteem. Be ready to be there for her if and when she needs.

Failing that, plan holidays to remote places with no WiFi. Cold turkey.

[PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock]

or you can distract her with other activities

She's 19 not 3!

She also doesn't live with OP or have to say yes to holidays to remote places with no WIFI.

[looselegs]

She's 19. She's an adult. Yes, I completely understand where you are coming from. She knows how you feel, but still does it. She's not going to stop on your say so.Keep going on about it and she'll make it private or block you. Tell her you don't like what she's doing but you have to trust her judgement........then let it go.
Pick your battles- you won't win them all x

[MistressGammon]

She’s 19, she’s an adult and yabu for calling her a tart and trying to shame her. She isn’t ashamed. I know lots of attractive women who post risqué shots and hold down very respectable jobs.

[CrazyToast]

I also have concerns about social media culture---but what she is doing is totally normal for her age. It is everywhere, the new normal. You'd do better to support her in reminding her of her worth outside of sexy poses and likes. As for the impact on her future, she is an adult and might have to find out herself about that possible consequence.

[RaymondReddingtonMrs]

@Dollyparton3 - I agree with you, whilst I understand and accept that adults can post what they like etc, it is a shame that this is placed above family time and actual careers, in some instances. I'd feel the same as you.

[Abbccc]

Just because something is "the new normal" doesn't mean we have to accept it and like it.

[marmalade86]

This must be a really distressing situation for you OP, you sound very frustrated. A lot of social media can be a bit of a curse in some respects, for example there is plenty of evidence that it can be detrimental to mental health. Perhaps you are also feeling a bit anxious about these kind of things, at least in part because you care about your SD so much.

There is a problem here though. If I was your SD, I might be feeling judged and rejected by your disapproval. In fact, that might fuel me to run away and seek approval elsewhere, and it seems this is exactly what she has done. Some of your strong views no doubt come from a place of love and wanting her to be safe and happy, but perhaps she does not know this? In honesty, it also seems that a lot of your disapproval is a reflection of your own values - and possibly how her actions somehow reflect on you or your DH? Do you really know why you feel so strongly? As long as you continue to judge her choices and disapprove, she will no doubt feel more anger and resentment towards you.

It sounds like you care about her a lot and want the best for her and that this is a relationship you want to work on. To move forward, you would do well to admit your mistakes here, apologise and listen to what she has to say.

Paradoxically, if she feels genuine humility, warmth, approval and acceptance from her family she might end up less interested in gaining these things from social media.

[Dollyparton3]

Thanks everyone, just to clarify, the AIBU was towards the app and the way it makes girls want to behave, I've not got involved in this debate with her. I have an opinion but haven't stepped in.

My take on it is yes she's technically an adult, but she's been trying to do this since she was 14 which at the time carried a very different risk and had a similar but slightly darker audience then.

Having had to sweat on this for 5 years has probably tainted my view on the subject. I do think it's incredibly sad that young people seek the validation of strangers and prioritise that above their own security and privacy. As a generation social media has created a few tragic values and this is one of them.

Thank you for all your comments though