AIBU? Vacuous risqué Instagram "influencing"

[Dollyparton3]

I'm probably going to sound like an old duffer here but here we go:

We've just had our 4th ding dong with my 19 year old SD. She thinks that Instagram is the centre of the universe, more important than any of her real life relationships and worth not seeing any of her extended family during lockdown for.

For context, she posted yet another Katie price wannabe image a few weeks back, the most extreme/revealing yet and luckily another family member jumped in to advise her that it was over the line. Her father (my DH) has tackled this with her numerous times and it always results in her refusing to engage with him in any way for months (the longest was 9 months before) so it's not that he doesn't step up, our other very close family member took the baton before we even passed it.

She has a public profile with 3,300 followers, when you scroll onto their profiles they're mostly older men who only follow other girls with the same sleazy stuff in their profiles.

SD refuses to engage with any of us on the subject and has blocked everyone, choosing to sit at her mums in lockdown and sulk. The irony is that we can still see what she's posting because it's a public profile.

She's an intellectual girl, but when I look at some of the girls who have commented on her image "omg, you're unreal" "love you babes, so much I want to cry" etc etc they all have the same stuff going on. All profiles with over 100 vacuous selfies, tag the occasional boohoo outfit and gain several hundred likes from old men who should know better. I have no doubt that the DM's she gets from some of these men turn the air blue.

AIBU in feeling extreme resentment towards the trend that has turned some of our most promising young women into tarts with no concern over their privacy or safety? It's as if the competition is fierce to do the most daring and risky stuff online just to get likes.

[RhymesWithOrange]

You do sound lovely and caring OP. I think there has always been silly and vacuous young people, it's just we can see them on Instagram now. When I was in school 30+ years ago they would be the ones hogging the mirrors in the loos, primping and preening constantly, unable to even go to hockey training without a full face of make up.

Instagram just gives them another outlet.

Your SD sounds like a good person generally . I'd ignore the Insta stuff and find other thing you can agree on. For your sanity block her so her photos don't pop up on your feed and just put it out of your mind.

[Dollyparton3]

@heartsonacake yes she's an adult. By 1 year. Do all families go completely hands off with parenting and nurturing at that age? No, because they care. I was still asking my parents for advice when I was in my 30's.

And yes I would LOVE a discussion. Because then we could get a sense of how much of her risk taking is resonating with her, whether she understands how far reaching the consequences are on this and perhaps even debate with her that maybe we're being too protective. But in the absense of that discussion EVER taking place since she was 14 and uploaded her first really innappropriate image we have to assume that her priority is the dopamine hit over her safety.

I'm also really concerned about why this narcissist behavour is so consuming and what long term effects that will have on her. and yes @Iamthewombat, it is really irritating to have to stop on a trip or on a night out to wait for the "photo shoot". (in fact I refuse now to take part in it and normally want to walk away) As you also said earlier, there is a marginal percentage of people who actually make a living out of this, so for it to disrupt our lives so much is really wearing thin now.

To explain my urge to walk away when the photo shoot starts, its the turning point between quality time together as a family and having to pause that for everyone while one person gets their image to show off to a bunch of strangers online. Suddenly everyone else is on hold whilst one person stands there shouting "no, take it again, not that close, I dont like that one". It's gone on for 20 mins before

Again, I blame the medium that made this part of our lives and the competition between girls.

[Iamthewombat]

She's 19, step back and let her breathe, be an adult and make her own mistakes

That’s ok in theory but if I thought that my stepdaughter was making very unwise choices I’d step in, not step back. Would you ‘step back and let her breathe’ if she were using ketamine? How about if she was in a relationship with a violent boyfriend? Both potentially more risky than posting saucy content on line of course, but there are strong grounds for the OP to be concerned and even irritated (as I would be if anyone kept me and a small child waiting for hours on holiday in order to take pouty selfies, which the OP told us about upthread).

[GreyGardens88]

She's 19, step back and let her breathe, be an adult and make her own mistakes. The last thing you want when you're 19 is your family breathing down your neck tracking everything you're doing!

[Ginfordinner]

Why are you being so defensive heartsonacake?

I think several posters have put forward some very valid reasons as to why the way the stepdaughter's behaviour could be considered risky and inappropriate. The stepdaughter sounds quite naive IMO.

Have you actually bothered to read Iamthewombat's and serenada's posts?

[emelsie]

YANBU. It's so sad and as a mum to a soon to be secondary school daughter it terrifies me ( I'm only 30 myself), we don't want her having Instagram full stop and if she does it will be closely monitored. Even once she is technically an 'adult' if she is still being supported by us or living at home then I still believe this will be a no no .

Throughout my teens I was given too much freedom , i made some dangerous and questionable choices when it came sharing online myself and back then it was only MSN and dial up Internet, with smartphones and social media I dread to think of what could have been saved and shared in seconds to haunt me for the rest of my life.

[FrankieDoyle]

YADNBU and I totally agree with you OP. So sad

[heartsonacake]

I wouldnt mind if we could even engage on a discussion on how to be a good social media influencer.

You don’t want a discussion though, because you wouldn’t be willing to accept why she likes doing it. You just want to lecture her and talk her out of it.

[heartsonacake]

YABVU. She’s an adult, she makes her own decisions. You can’t try to control her posts and it was extremely out of order for your DH and the other family member to tell her it’s too much. It’s up to her what she thinks is too much.

You are far too involved in her life; leave her alone. Your concerns about legacy/jobs etc. are irrelevant and none of your business.

[Ginfordinner]

Excellent post @Iamthewombat

I agree with you as well @serenada

[serenada]

@Iamthewombat. Yes

[serenada]

I think if you had framed this differently, you would have received different responses.

AIBU to think that young people are spending a disproportionate amount of their free time providing free content to tech companies when the return is not as good for their mental and physical health as physical hobbies are?

AIBU to think that the competition in society for good jobs is now so fierce that we have to be more aware of supporting our children to make wise decisions when they are young and carefree?

AIBU to be concerned that my stepdaughter provides free content for older men and in return gets a high from the technology she uses and doesn’t realise that she is spending all her time and energy on a pastime that gives her a false sense of achievement, success and validation?

[Deadringer]

I don't think you are unreasonable to feel the way you do op, but i agree with pps that there is really nothing you can do about it. I am not on instagram but i do think it's sad the way so many young women and girls seem to aspire to the porn star look, pushed up boobs, duck lips, false nails and lashes and tiny clothes. These are beautiful, bright girls, who seem to only want to be judged by their looks, and how sexy they are.

[Iamthewombat]

She's already been scammed by a couple of "collab" deals AKA they get her to buy their overpriced low quality product that she would never have bought before, she then wears it, tags the brand and they get free advertising. She swore blind at the time that she was getting collab deals, would be making a fortune on "the gram" in 6 months and wouldnt hear otherwise

That is sad to hear. It is not nice to think about young people being ripped off in this way.

It’s something you tend to see in careers where the perceived barriers to entry are fairly low. For example, dodgy ‘model agencies’ who take fees from hopefuls but never get them any modelling work. That’s the problem with choosing a path that many, many other people would also choose - because you don’t need to be particularly clever or educated or skilled, and SOME people will make money from it - but where the number of people actually making a financial success of it are very low and the more people doing it, the less money they will generally work for. Boohoo.com could take their pick from thousands of wannabe influencers. What’s the incentive for them to offer much beyond a few free outfits and maybe a trip away to somewhere where you can be photographed wearing them?

You make a good point about influencing:

Who are you influencing? what's the message? Who's your ideal audience?

I think that the original Youtubers who actually made some money out of their endeavours didn’t really know who would be watching them and maybe hoped that posting online content would get them a job in telly or something. Zoella and that strange group of people from Norfolk who used to work on make up counters and married members of each other’s families. Mediocrities to a man/woman, but at least they had the first mover advantage. It’s difficult now to find an angle that nobody else has covered. Make up has been done over and over, fashion,, cleaning, skincare, fashion, fitness, food, crafts etc.

Anybody trying to establish themselves as an influencer has a massive challenge ahead of them. They are effectively trying to make themselves into a celebrity without the benefit of professional (and expensive) PR people. The chances of success are minimal. That leaves anybody trying to make a career for themselves as an influencer vulnerable to being exploited and ripped off.

[Drogonssmile]

I must be a nearly 39 year old duffer too OP because I entirely agree with you. My 6 year old DS1 says he wants to be a you tuber. I'm hoping it's a phase.

In this regard though I'm glad I don't have a daughter; I don't know how I would manage this situation, I'd be worried and despairing too. Hopefully it'll be a passing phase and she'll grow out of it.

[Dollyparton3]

@Iamthewombat thank you for nailing the initial question.

Her career plans at the moment are

1)real world job is in an academic field she's studying at the moment

2) marry rich and be a WAG

3) be an influencer

I think we all know which of those will happen first. She's already been scammed by a couple of "collab" deals AKA they get her to buy their overpriced low quality product that she would never have bought before, she then wears it, tags the brand and they get free advertising. She swore blind at the time that she was getting collab deals, would be making a fortune on "the gram" in 6 months and wouldnt hear otherwise so we trod carefully on that debate after one discussion and left it.

I wouldnt mind if we could even engage on a discussion on how to be a good social media influencer. Who are you influencing? what's the message? Who's your ideal audience? What's the pondlife 40 + year old man in UAE who takes photos of knives and iphones doing following you? what does he bring to the party? What's the end goal?

All of this discussion hit a dead end when she was 18, zero discussion from her on the topic so as people say, we have to leave her to it. It doesnt make it any easier to stop worrying about it or judge it from afar. And I have no shame in being judgemental. She's been raised with very different values to the online persona that she displays

[Iamthewombat]

Answering the OP's question:

AIBU in feeling extreme resentment towards the trend that has turned some of our most promising young women into tarts with no concern over their privacy or safety? It's as if the competition is fierce to do the most daring and risky stuff online just to get likes.

No, I don’t think this is an unreasonable view. I think that this particular trend is tragic. I hope that your stepdaughter cops on to herself very soon!

A truly confident woman wouldn’t do stuff like this. Why would she need to? If you are confident in your own value you don’t need to do your own cheap and nasty version of page 3, seeking adulation from the worst kind of people who couldn’t care less about you as a human being. What does your stepdaughter hope to achieve by this? A career as a so-called influencer? Does she have any other career plan?

Several posters have argued that your stepdaughter is an adult and can do what she likes. Fine. She can deal with the consequences then. She’s a fool if she thinks that misguided sexy pictures she posts online now won’t come back to haunt her when she wises up and grows up.

[Msmcc1212]

Totally agree that it’s horrendous is so in many ways but if she is 19 there is nothing you can do to stop her or it. What you can do is withhold judgement, listen to her and try to uNderstand her and help her to think about the pros and cons for herself.

[Dollyparton3]

@MarginalGain I have to be careful how I word this to make sure it's factual and not coming across as judgy.

Her mum doesn't understand social media. Being deeply religious she doesn't use it and has no accounts. Previous debates have been left to my DP to sort out because "you understand it better"

Her mum took this photo.

[MarginalGain]

I'd be (quietly) gutted too OP. You're not on firm ground as her stepmother, so all you can do is be a neutral sounding board I guess.

What does her mother have to say about this?

[Dollyparton3]

Thanks everyone, just to clarify, the AIBU was towards the app and the way it makes girls want to behave, I've not got involved in this debate with her. I have an opinion but haven't stepped in.

My take on it is yes she's technically an adult, but she's been trying to do this since she was 14 which at the time carried a very different risk and had a similar but slightly darker audience then.

Having had to sweat on this for 5 years has probably tainted my view on the subject. I do think it's incredibly sad that young people seek the validation of strangers and prioritise that above their own security and privacy. As a generation social media has created a few tragic values and this is one of them.

Thank you for all your comments though

[marmalade86]

This must be a really distressing situation for you OP, you sound very frustrated. A lot of social media can be a bit of a curse in some respects, for example there is plenty of evidence that it can be detrimental to mental health. Perhaps you are also feeling a bit anxious about these kind of things, at least in part because you care about your SD so much.

There is a problem here though. If I was your SD, I might be feeling judged and rejected by your disapproval. In fact, that might fuel me to run away and seek approval elsewhere, and it seems this is exactly what she has done. Some of your strong views no doubt come from a place of love and wanting her to be safe and happy, but perhaps she does not know this? In honesty, it also seems that a lot of your disapproval is a reflection of your own values - and possibly how her actions somehow reflect on you or your DH? Do you really know why you feel so strongly? As long as you continue to judge her choices and disapprove, she will no doubt feel more anger and resentment towards you.

It sounds like you care about her a lot and want the best for her and that this is a relationship you want to work on. To move forward, you would do well to admit your mistakes here, apologise and listen to what she has to say.

Paradoxically, if she feels genuine humility, warmth, approval and acceptance from her family she might end up less interested in gaining these things from social media.

[Abbccc]

Just because something is "the new normal" doesn't mean we have to accept it and like it.

[RaymondReddingtonMrs]

@Dollyparton3 - I agree with you, whilst I understand and accept that adults can post what they like etc, it is a shame that this is placed above family time and actual careers, in some instances. I'd feel the same as you.

[CrazyToast]

I also have concerns about social media culture---but what she is doing is totally normal for her age. It is everywhere, the new normal. You'd do better to support her in reminding her of her worth outside of sexy poses and likes. As for the impact on her future, she is an adult and might have to find out herself about that possible consequence.