Partner staying in bed

[Akonknew]

My partner is a great dad and will do anything for us. But he has this thing of staying up late. Really late. Then the next day he is tired. He has a headache. Bla bla bla. Whenever I say about 10pm have an early night he says I'm not tired and will watch interviews on his phone of boxsets on Tele. He often falls asleep on the sofa. Usually my toddler comes through at about 1am and gets in our room. (Don't need opinions on this as they grow out of it) i have an older child too.

Every morning we come down to him still asleep on the sofa. On the rare night he sleeps upstairs his snoring is so loud my DD gets annoyed with him lol!!! So do I tbf but I try and sleep through it.

I have been on and off struggling with anemia for months now. Under the drs and being treated but it's been hard. I'm exhausted in the evenings. I often feel a little sick. I am trying to get rest so I can get the best out of the day.

Yesterday my partner was more tired than usual and needed an early night. So he took the kids up and I cleaned up downstairs. He ended up letting both kids sleep in our bed and was zonked. I decided to sit downstairs and have a cuppa. At 10.30 I tried to sleep on the sofa. But I didn't feel safe downstairs. So eventually got in my daughter's bed at 2am because she was in mine!!!!

Heard my son wake up and heard my partner chatting to him and open the baby gate. Then he told him to go downstairs. To my shock he didn't follow him. I heard my two year old shouting mummy. Then he came upstairs again and finally found me. I got up and said to my partner in a Maddy voice that's abit unfair sending him to me. He just laughed. I said to him well that's it now I'll be exhausted all day and brought my son down for breakfast. He's still in bed. (11 hours now) and I've had 5 hours.

Why the heck is it always a women's job!

P.s in ready to get torn to shreds but maybe someone may be nice lol

[DarkDarkNight]

He’s being a dick. He can have late nights but he needs to be able to get up and function as part of the family. It’s not fair for it all to fall to you. If he can’t function on a few hours sleep he needs to be a bit more responsible.

[diddl]

I think it's really strange that he spends most nights sleeping on the sofa.

I also think it's strange that you tried to sleep on the sofa even though there was a free bed.

I don't know why you wouldn't tell him that you're going back to bed & he needs to look after his kids until you're ready to get up.

[suggestionsplease1]

Out of interest is obstructive sleep apnea a possibility for him? Very loud snoring, poor quality sleep, and falling asleep on the sofa can sometimes be indications of this? Can be more common in overweight people.

A friend got tested for this after very loud snoring and poor sleep quality and she uses a PAP facemask to stop airways collapsing during sleep - she's much happier for it, as is her family as the snoring is much better.

[QuestionMarkNow]

Why are you leaving him sleep?
Seriously, he sent the child to you and you got up. But somehow, he doesn’t get the same treatment...


The issue here is HIM, not you.
You actually have an illness (Anaemia IS an illness) that makes you tired so he should be there to support you and help you. You know the ‘In health and in sickness’ bit of marriage wows.
On the other side, he sees no issue in staying late and then Relying on you to look after the dcs etc...

It’s very much his way or the highway.

FWIW I had an H like this. The only way I managed to make him step up is to set up a strong passive resistance. So going away and leaving him the dcs for a few hours. Not being careful about not waking him up but actually leaving the dcs coming to him. Sending the dcs to him when they wanted A or B saying I’m busy (whatever the busy was, invent it if you need to) so that he had no other choices but to step up and start parenting.
His reaction to it will tell you who he is.

[suggestionsplease1]

symptoms of obstructive sleep apnea:

Excessive daytime sleepiness
Loud snoring
Observed episodes of stopped breathing during sleep
Abrupt awakenings accompanied by gasping or choking
Awakening with a dry mouth or sore throat
Morning headache
Difficulty concentrating during the day
Experiencing mood changes, such as depression or irritability
High blood pressure
Nighttime sweating
Decreased libido

[66redballons]

He isn’t a great dad and won’t do anything for you.
You are asking him to be responsible partner and dad. He isn’t, you need a talk about sharing the childcare. He is being selfish. Neglectful and unkind.

[B0bbin]

It's always me that deals with night times and mornings too. It doesn't bother me most of the time as I'm an earlier riser anyway, but lately he's taking the piss a bit. I feel your frustration

[Abouttimemum]

It’s not the woman’s job. It’s 50/50 in this house, as it should be for everyone. We take alternate nights / mornings.
It’s absolute bullshit for men to behave like this. And not all men do thankfully!

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

My partner is a great dad and will do anything for us

But he isnt is he? He KNOWS how tired you are and he is doing precisely fck all to help. That doesnt sound like a good dad to me, it sounds like a lazy entitled arse dad. They are his children too- he needs to stop acting like an 18 year old student and start being a responsible adult. Many of us would love to lie in until mid morning but we dont because we have adult responsibilities. He needs to grow up and start helping and you need to lay this on the line to him that you wont accept it anymore.
We teach people how to treat us.

[CoronaMoaner]

Is he a “great dad”. I mean is he?!
He’s happy to ignore your medical condition. He’s happy to let the kids disturb your sleep. He’s happy for you to do the bulk of the childcare even when exhausted. You say he went to bed and you cleaned up downstairs. He then lets both kids sleep in the main bed so you have to sleep on the couch or in your child’s bed.
And you are up with the kids and he’s asleep.
I’m struggling to see how this man is a great dad OP.

[Eckhart]

What does he say when you talk to him about it OP?

The laughing when you mentioned that it was unfair is a big concern. Does he not take the issue seriously?

[peperethecat]

I would start waking him up in the mornings, OP.

Take the sheets off your bed and put them in the wash at 8am, put piles of clothes on the mattress for sorting (or let the kids jump on it) and then start hoovering around him. When he wakes up, say "oh good, you're awake" and give him a list of jobs to do.

[zscaler]

It makes me sad how many MNers are married to lazy, selfish men.

[Eckhart]

I think lots of people use Mumsnet because they are married to lazy selfish men. It's not a cross section of society, thankfully.

[Lynda07]

Why would anyone tear you to shreds? You're doing your best, better than many of us I imagine.

I've got in the habit of staying up very late and falling asleep downstairs but it's OK for me to do that, I'm 'elderly' and on my own.

Your husband must give you more support in looking after the children, he cannot lay in bed expecting you to do everything. He could at least take charge in the afternoon and give you a break. If you present that to him, he will see how reasonable you are being.

No comment from me about kids sleeping with you - mine always did and it was fine, it doesn't last forever but it's nice while it does and the children feel secure.

My late husband snored loudly. I bought him something that he sprayed above his tongue at the back of his mouth (presumably worked on the uvula), and it made a great difference. There are plenty of other things too, I suggest you have a google and order. It's not fair that he wakes you up with his snoring even though he can't help it.
Here's an example of a spray - the last one I bought wasn't Nytol but I'm sure they all work on same principle. He could also sniff something like Olbas Oil so his nose isn't blocked.
www.superdrug.com/Health/Sleep-&-Relaxation/Snoring-&-Sleep-Remedies/Nytol-Anti-Snoring-Throat-Spray-50ml/p/660550

[Lifesnotapicnic]

I'd start hoovering really loud outside bedroom

[Twigletfairy]

This is not a man thing. This is not behaviour you just have to accept

[echt]

My partner is a great dad and will do anything for us

No he isn't.

And he hasn't, or you wouldn't be posting here.

[Candyfloss99]

It's not always a woman's job, you're just letting your husband make it always your job.

[3cats]

I agree that he sounds and lazy and is deliberately staying up late so he can opt out of parenting. I think you need to have a very serious chat about this and hopefully he will stop being such a useless arse.

For what it's worth, he can't just cherry-pick the fun or easy parts of parenting and opt out of the shit work. That isn't fair. He needs a serious kick up the arse!

[SleepingStandingUp]

you have two major misconceptions.

My partner is a great dad and will do anything for us.
He let your TWO YEAR OLD go down stairs alone and went back to bed. He won't let you get at least equal rest. He won't care for his kids so his wife who is ill can take care of herself. I'd be amazed if the hours he is awake he's the perfect Dad and partner either

Why the heck is it always a women's job!
Lets just be clear. He isn't an inconsiderate dick because he has one. He isn't going "oh i'd love to have the kids and let you sleep in but my penis wont let me! oh i feel so ghastly but every time i go to say "you get some sleep love, i'll sort the kids, my penis bites me"

He's making a lifestyle choice with his brain.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I think the phrase 'my partner is a great dad' should come with the addendum - 'as long as he is getting his own way and is allowed to come and go when he pleases and I put no demands on him'.

It seems to fit all of them.

[SleepingStandingUp]

It makes me sad how many MNers are married to lazy, selfish men. and seem to think it's inevitable. "Oh its a man thing", "oh all men are like this", "Oh his penis totally disables his hands from changing a nappy, it rears up and threatens to whip his buttocks if he even contemplates taking on the woman work"

[Rosebel]

You should have just went your toddler back to him until he got up. I know it's shit when your partner doesn't step up but have you told him how he makes you feel? Asked him why he doesn't care,enough about you to let you have one lie in?
He's not really a great dad or partner, if he was he'd be helping you.

[PrincessHoneysuckle]

We used to take it in turns on a weekend when ds was a toddler it was the only fair way.If hes doing this every day then he needs telling as it's very unfair to you.