Partner staying in bed

[Akonknew]

My partner is a great dad and will do anything for us. But he has this thing of staying up late. Really late. Then the next day he is tired. He has a headache. Bla bla bla. Whenever I say about 10pm have an early night he says I'm not tired and will watch interviews on his phone of boxsets on Tele. He often falls asleep on the sofa. Usually my toddler comes through at about 1am and gets in our room. (Don't need opinions on this as they grow out of it) i have an older child too.

Every morning we come down to him still asleep on the sofa. On the rare night he sleeps upstairs his snoring is so loud my DD gets annoyed with him lol!!! So do I tbf but I try and sleep through it.

I have been on and off struggling with anemia for months now. Under the drs and being treated but it's been hard. I'm exhausted in the evenings. I often feel a little sick. I am trying to get rest so I can get the best out of the day.

Yesterday my partner was more tired than usual and needed an early night. So he took the kids up and I cleaned up downstairs. He ended up letting both kids sleep in our bed and was zonked. I decided to sit downstairs and have a cuppa. At 10.30 I tried to sleep on the sofa. But I didn't feel safe downstairs. So eventually got in my daughter's bed at 2am because she was in mine!!!!

Heard my son wake up and heard my partner chatting to him and open the baby gate. Then he told him to go downstairs. To my shock he didn't follow him. I heard my two year old shouting mummy. Then he came upstairs again and finally found me. I got up and said to my partner in a Maddy voice that's abit unfair sending him to me. He just laughed. I said to him well that's it now I'll be exhausted all day and brought my son down for breakfast. He's still in bed. (11 hours now) and I've had 5 hours.

Why the heck is it always a women's job!

P.s in ready to get torn to shreds but maybe someone may be nice lol

[Crunchymum]

@Akonknew
How old are the kids? Is he the DF of both?

[backseatcookers]

Read your opening post. What exactly makes you think he is a great dad who would do anything for you?

This. The bar is so low for men it is unreal!

Why do so many women on here seem to accept "it's what all men are like" when it comes to them simply not being active parents who feel as responsible for the child they 50% created?!

It's NOT what all men are like. There are plenty of decent men who love spending time with their kids, understand they have an equal responsibility to contribute to parenting and don't have to be nagged / cajoled / guilt tripped into doing stuff. A decent adult of either gender doesn't need to be taught over and over again how to be basically respectful and kind!

And if they do need to be told daily what to do (rather than having a mutually understanding chat, actually listening and then changing behaviours to be a team) and always default to their partner doing stuff if they can get away with it... then they are NOT "generally lovely" or a "brilliant dad" or similar phrases spouted all too often about selfish people.

I know so many genuinely lovely and brilliant dads - you do not have to spend the rest of your life with someone who thinks it's normal to not see you as an equal. He doesn't see you as an equal at all.

You're the help.

[Aridane]

(Just curious)

[Aridane]

At 10.30 I tried to sleep on the sofa. But I didn't feel safe downstairs.

Why don’t you feel safe in your own home?

[Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches]

It's all very well dumping the kids on a sleeping, lazy useless fuck

^^
You see that is the double bind we end up with with these kind of shits.

My exh was very much one to grab all the available sleep for himself.

He now claims to be a morning person - and it’s true will get up early to do something he wants to - but when we were together with young kids he would never let me have a lie in. He would sleep in as long as he wanted or if he was up I HAD to be up too, however late I’d been up or however disturbed my sleep.

‘Was awful.

It’s not great at keeping to his contact times now you’ll be astounded to hear. Likes to get out of nighttimes especially by just bringing the youngest back. But courts won’t listen to stuff like that, or how they are a bit of a danger just ignoring the kids.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Trouble is - you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it not leave a crying child in a dirty nappy while it just turns over and goes back to sleep knowing that the child will come and find you to sort them out.

Even 'going out for a walk' won't help, you come back to find a child in nappy so wet that it reaches its knees, nappy rash, hungry and the TV blaring loudly to drown out the crying.

I had one of these. You can't force them to take care of their own children, but that begs the question, 'whose job do they think it is?'

[DeeCeeCherry]

DP is an early riser, I'm not at all & won't be told when to go to bed and when to get up. I can't see why you don't just send the DCs to your H tho? Why don't you? I'd have sent DS back to his dad, and had a word. Doesn't sound as if sharing and intimacy is much a part of your marriage, can you sit down and talk to him about this? Better than stewing away in resentment.

[justamumof1]

It's all very well dumping the kids on a sleeping, lazy useless fuck. What about the children's safety? My partner does nothing for us except pay the bills. I would never put DDs life in danger just because he chooses to sleep during the day. She could easily get hurt.

[PrimeroseHillAnnie]

Waiting for the first LTB.

[Wecandothis99]

Maybe he prefers the couch to a bed shared with a toddler

[Bleepbloopblarp]

I would go and put your son in with him and say “I’m off for a walk” and do it every time he pulls a stunt like that.

Sorry but you need to toughen up Op - stop enabling his selfish, lazy arse!

[PrincessHoneysuckle]

We used to take it in turns on a weekend when ds was a toddler it was the only fair way.If hes doing this every day then he needs telling as it's very unfair to you.

[Rosebel]

You should have just went your toddler back to him until he got up. I know it's shit when your partner doesn't step up but have you told him how he makes you feel? Asked him why he doesn't care,enough about you to let you have one lie in?
He's not really a great dad or partner, if he was he'd be helping you.

[SleepingStandingUp]

It makes me sad how many MNers are married to lazy, selfish men. and seem to think it's inevitable. "Oh its a man thing", "oh all men are like this", "Oh his penis totally disables his hands from changing a nappy, it rears up and threatens to whip his buttocks if he even contemplates taking on the woman work"

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I think the phrase 'my partner is a great dad' should come with the addendum - 'as long as he is getting his own way and is allowed to come and go when he pleases and I put no demands on him'.

It seems to fit all of them.

[SleepingStandingUp]

you have two major misconceptions.

My partner is a great dad and will do anything for us.
He let your TWO YEAR OLD go down stairs alone and went back to bed. He won't let you get at least equal rest. He won't care for his kids so his wife who is ill can take care of herself. I'd be amazed if the hours he is awake he's the perfect Dad and partner either

Why the heck is it always a women's job!
Lets just be clear. He isn't an inconsiderate dick because he has one. He isn't going "oh i'd love to have the kids and let you sleep in but my penis wont let me! oh i feel so ghastly but every time i go to say "you get some sleep love, i'll sort the kids, my penis bites me"

He's making a lifestyle choice with his brain.

[3cats]

I agree that he sounds and lazy and is deliberately staying up late so he can opt out of parenting. I think you need to have a very serious chat about this and hopefully he will stop being such a useless arse.

For what it's worth, he can't just cherry-pick the fun or easy parts of parenting and opt out of the shit work. That isn't fair. He needs a serious kick up the arse!

[Candyfloss99]

It's not always a woman's job, you're just letting your husband make it always your job.

[echt]

My partner is a great dad and will do anything for us

No he isn't.

And he hasn't, or you wouldn't be posting here.

[Twigletfairy]

This is not a man thing. This is not behaviour you just have to accept

[Lifesnotapicnic]

I'd start hoovering really loud outside bedroom

[Lynda07]

Why would anyone tear you to shreds? You're doing your best, better than many of us I imagine.

I've got in the habit of staying up very late and falling asleep downstairs but it's OK for me to do that, I'm 'elderly' and on my own.

Your husband must give you more support in looking after the children, he cannot lay in bed expecting you to do everything. He could at least take charge in the afternoon and give you a break. If you present that to him, he will see how reasonable you are being.

No comment from me about kids sleeping with you - mine always did and it was fine, it doesn't last forever but it's nice while it does and the children feel secure.

My late husband snored loudly. I bought him something that he sprayed above his tongue at the back of his mouth (presumably worked on the uvula), and it made a great difference. There are plenty of other things too, I suggest you have a google and order. It's not fair that he wakes you up with his snoring even though he can't help it.
Here's an example of a spray - the last one I bought wasn't Nytol but I'm sure they all work on same principle. He could also sniff something like Olbas Oil so his nose isn't blocked.
www.superdrug.com/Health/Sleep-&-Relaxation/Snoring-&-Sleep-Remedies/Nytol-Anti-Snoring-Throat-Spray-50ml/p/660550

[Eckhart]

I think lots of people use Mumsnet because they are married to lazy selfish men. It's not a cross section of society, thankfully.

[zscaler]

It makes me sad how many MNers are married to lazy, selfish men.

[peperethecat]

I would start waking him up in the mornings, OP.

Take the sheets off your bed and put them in the wash at 8am, put piles of clothes on the mattress for sorting (or let the kids jump on it) and then start hoovering around him. When he wakes up, say "oh good, you're awake" and give him a list of jobs to do.