To tell my dads new gf he's abusive

[Teaandbiscuitsdaily]

So a year and a half ago my dads wife had an affair, they tried to work it would be 6 weeks later he ended up loosing his temper and released an attack on her breaking her nose and causing injury to her face which resulted to 5 months in prison. He stopped because my little sisters barged in. He even admitted himself that if my sisters didn't barge in he could've ended up killing her because he had flipped into a fit of rage and only snapped out of it when the kids disrupted him

This is not an isolated incident tho, 10 years earlier he has broken my step mums arm and beat her up a few times but seemed to have changed and nothing for 10 years

Before that he had inficlicted serious domestic violence on my mum including strangling in front of us children, he ran her over and multiple other incidents of pure torture.

It's really hard for me as I have a lot of emotional issues myself possibly caused by the violence and mind games I endured from my father myself

He is proud to admit he is the master of mind games. Although I am now realising there are many things I do not like about my dad and he has even tried to ruin my own relationship.

He has been in a new relationship with a women for around 2 months. He has admitted to her about the incident a year and a half ago that lead to his incarceration but nothing else and they seem so happy...may I add he was in prison 23 years ago for cutting someone up with a Stanley blade.

I feel so torn as to whether I should tell her and rein holy hell on my own life because I know my father is capable of it and will she even take note or act on love is blind.

I want to protect her but I will admit part of this is for me to dish him what he's done.

Should I leave well alone or should I tell her?

Thanks

[CelestialSpanking]

You can’t make an application to Claire’s law on behalf of someone else. I tried last year.

OP, talk to women’s aid or call the DV helpline 08082000247 and get advice. It’s important you stay safe from your father too so whatever you choose to do about this please be safe.

[12345kbm]

OP your dad is a psychopath. I would contact the police as they have a duty to this women and see if they will instigate Claire's Law (DVDS). How you go about it is different in each area, so contact your local police station. They will not mention you, so I think that's the best way of going about it.

Please stay safe OP. Your dad is very dangerous.

[CelestialSpanking]

I feel like I should almost defend this abusers new girlfriend here. Yes, she may know the reason he was in jail for his most recent stint but if she’s been abused herself before this is perfectly normal to her and something she can minimise. The OP’s father is a master manipulator- he’s been doing this for a very long time. The OP saw him run her mother over with a car and is still very much in contact with him (I’m not having a go at you OP- it is very hard to break free from someone like this). Btw, have you ever had counselling? I really think you’d benefit from it. My daughter went to someone who specialises in abuse and children who have witnessed DV. She got a lot out of it and I’m glad she went when she did- she still has contact with her dad and it’s helped equip her I think with how to deal with certain aspects of his behaviour (he’s manipulative as well).

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

I'm disgusted at the "Stay out of it brigade". Abuse or risk of abuse is every body's business. I'm sure you'd all want to know if ou r partners/husbands/wives had broken their ex nose and another their arm.

[Whataloadofshite]

Please for god's sake tell her. This is not something you can keep quiet. It's not a stay out of it situation.

[MMN123]

Sisters before Misters - even if the Mr is your dad and you don't really know her frankly!

Just take her aside, say you're delighted they seem so happy and you hope it works out well. And that you know she's aware of some of his DV history but possibly not all and so you think it's important that she's aware that he can sometimes have issues with his temper. Be clear you are letting her know to ensure she is aware of the risks and manages them accordingly; not because you are trying to split them up. Say if your positions were reversed you would hope any other woman would do the same for you. And that you hope it's never an issue because maybe this time he's changed.

Sound genuine and heartfelt.

Then, and only then, can she make an informed choice. And if there is any backlash, you were just being supportive.

[didmyhousethismornin]

If you can safely tell her then do so. An anonymous letter may be good if he won’t suspect you. Maybe write it up online and print it out so he won’t recognise your handwriting. But I do think you should tell her x

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

It's nothing to do with sisters before misters. If for example my dad was about to enter into a relationship with a women who had a conviction for violence, id expect him to be forwarded

[Marshmallow91]

Don't tell her. Call police and ask them to make a house call regarding a Claire's law background check on your dad. He'll never know it was you and neither will she.

[3cats]

I would send an anonymous letter BUT be aware that she may not listen or that she may need some time to listen, but I don't think I could say nothing in good conscience. I'm so sorry that you had to grow up with that man.

[popsydoodle4444]

Does this woman have children?,if so I'd inform social services.

[1forAll74]

You could do either either here. It's a very awful story about your Father's past horrible violent behaviour. Are your Father,and this girlfriend of similar age, as in older adults, ,do they have proper grown up mindsets about everything.. I would not get involved if they seem as stated above. If you are talking about a man like this, with a much younger naive woman, then perhaps your worries will need to be dealt with.

[Winterlife]

Your father will twist anything you say to be your fault. He could also blame you, and turn his violence on you.

As others have stated, go to the police. Tell them of your father’s hIstory, and that you believe his new gf should be informed if his past. Then cut your father out of your life, as much as you can.

BTW, in my experience, the information will have no effect on their relationship.

[Honeybee85]

Not a fan of anonymous letters but in this case it might be an option.

He said he was capable of murdering your stepmum. He has strangled your DM in the past. Both are serious indicators that he really is capable of killing women and I think the new GF needs to know.

But please think of your own safety as well.

[Shinesweetfreedom]

The new girlfriend already knows why he went to prison.
And yet she is still with him.
You have suffered enough.
Stay away from them both.

[Isleepinahedgefund]

I understand why you want to do this.

But this woman already knows that he has been in prison for an extremely violent attack on another woman - unfortunately I think there is every chance that she will ignore what you say anyway.

How do you know he told her about the assault/prison sentence?

[Allthebestusernameshavegone]

I would. She may not listen but at least you’ve tried. I couldn’t not do anything xx

[Dontbeme]

OP whatever you do please be safe and do contact a domestic abuse charity for help for yourself, you must have had an awful childhood witnessing this animal's violence.

As for this woman, if she already knows that he has a conviction for violence against another woman and is still staying, I don't know if anything you say will make a difference to her.

[Ohtherewearethen]

With respect, please don't follow MMN123's advice and speak to her personally. Her loyalty lies with OP's dad, not OP. She will of course tell him what his daughter had told her and this could have disastrous consequences for everybody. Her dad isn't going to think she was just being supportive! I agree with letting her know, I'd feel almost duty-bound to do it (preventing violent crime should be important to everyone) but I think the best way would certainly be to do so anonymously. She can choose to do something about it or not. But you will have done the right thing. You can't make her leave him.

[nicelyneurotic]

Tell her but do so anonymously. I would want to be told and would be grateful, but you dont know this woman and it could backfire on you.

[Embracelife]

Why would the gf believe an anonymous letter?

OP go speak to police or social services about your concerns. Let them decide.
You need to stay away.

[JudyGemstone]

Clare's Law declarations are not given to everyone who requests them, they are only issued when judged to be necessary and often they are refused.

If she doesn't have young children then she may not automatically get one, even if she does request it herself.

[Teaandbiscuitsdaily]

She has a 15 year old and 12 year old. Because my dad is still under probation he has to notify new partners of the offence as probation could call and ask if she knew so he's told her. He's very good at denying his past and although I witnessed the abuse he turns it around and says my mum or step mum were abusive or claim it never even happened. He's very convincing.

Although he has been in prison for the most recent and was arrested for the breaking of my step mums arm those are the only 2 tat show up on his DBS. He was using my address as a care of for a short while when he came out of prison and asked me to open all his mail to let him know what it was. Only those 2 incidents plus the prions sentence from 23 years ago were on there.

A lot of the cases have been dropped so In reference to police I don't know how much proof they could provide but there are many people who know exactly what he's done.

He actually has my 14 year old sister living with him and despite all his faults he seems to be doing an ok job at bringing her up

I think I am going to send the anonymous letter, then I have done my bit and it's upto her whether she believes it

[Windyatthebeach]

Imo you need to ring ss.
You would be negligent to not do so...

[SummerHouse]

Under “right to ask”, individual members of the public, whether the partner (A) or a
third party (C), can now proactively seek information, with an expectation that the
agencies responsible for safeguarding victims of domestic violence will check to see
whether relevant information exists and if it does, that consideration will be given to
its disclosure where necessary to protect the victim; from .gov.uk

You absolutely can ask as a third party under the domestic violence disclosure scheme (also know as Clare's law).