To love being an only child?

[NotTheLemonGumDrops]

I see so many posts on here where people feel guilty that they can't 'give' their child a sibling.

I just wanted to say that I am really happy as the only child. I had a really good childhood and I don't think it affected me at all, nor has it affected me as an adult.

Are there any other only children on here that were /are perfectly happy not to have siblings and don't understand why it's seen as so awful?

I'm not in any way suggesting it's better, but I don't really understand why it's seen as worse than or having multiple brothers/sisters or something for people to feel guilty about. It has never bothered me at all.

[Settle59]

VeryQuaintIrene - so sorry to hear about your mum. x

[Bubblebee7]

This post is so nice to hear. Obviously there are no guarantees in life but having a DC if I could go back I would have another in a flash. He’s now 5. If the opportunity came up I reckon I’d start all over & do it again. There’s pros and cons to both but I think there’s more pros to having siblings it gives you things that money can’t buy even though you may not all get along most of the time people do later on in life and I think that’s when it matters the most.

[ThisAintNoPartyThisAintNoDisco]

I like my own company. Not sure if you can miss something you didn’t have 🤷🏼‍♀️
My childhood was rather lonely and quiet though. However that was more because of how my parents were. I definitely wanted to be a different parent to them and not having an only dc was part of that.
I don’t think all single children are necessary going to be unhappy though. Depends on the home life their parents give them. There are some lovely parents on here who seem to worry so much and I don’t think they should. Just the fact that they’re concerned at all means that they’re on the right track imho. Whereas it wouldn’t have crossed my parents minds that things could’ve been a bit happier indoors.

[CampDragon]

The problem is that 'only' (hate that word!) children cannot know what it would have been like to have a sibling, and people who had one or more siblings cannot know what it would have been like to grow up without them. So when it comes to making active decisions about the 'right' number of children we focus too heavily on our own personal experiences growing up.

I have a brother, two years younger, and DH has a sister who is again two years younger. Neither of us have ever gotten on with them particularly well. DH's sister lives very close by and they never speak outside of gatherings at the in-laws' house. Even then, they barely talk to each other. Never had a big falling out or anything, they just don't get on. Nothing in common other than having grown up in the same house - which it seems doesn't necessarily mean a great deal. I had a similar experience myself and have often felt that having a brother hasn't particularly enhanced my life in any way.

We have an 'only'. Most of the time I feel pretty good about that. But I've certainly had a lot of guilt over it, too. Our personal experiences growing up have 'taught' us that DD isn't missing out, because our experiences of having siblings haven't been particularly positive. But if she did have a sibling, maybe she'd be happier for it? Either now, or in the future, or both. Impossible to know for sure.

I think much of it comes down to parenting. My mum didn't have siblings and says she wouldn't wish the experience on her worst enemy (which is a lovely thing to say, given that we've chosen to have one child, but that's my mother...). But she grew up as the obsession of a very narcissistic mother, with a father she adored but who never stood up to her mother and who died relatively young. Her mother, meanwhile, lived to 100 and made Mum's life a misery in many ways until the day she died. Having a sibling would not necessarily have fixed anything, other than perhaps spread the negative attention more thinly. Meanwhile our DD is being raised very differently, and we can only hope that not having any siblings doesn't ever cause her to wish that things had been different. Time will tell!

Growing up with cousins nearby is, I think, a lovely thing for children without siblings. For DD it's almost like all the benefits of a sibling but with none of the downsides - doesn't have to share space, resources, parental attention, etc, but will hopefully always have someone to recount childhood family experiences with and to provide 'family' support in the future. Again no guarantees whatsoever - even with three cousins nearby (plus a fourth at a distance) and one of them very sister-like, they could have an epic falling out at some point and never speak again.

But no single childhood experience will be the same as any other, and I think we all need to stop placing so much weight on family size. There are so many other things that matter far more.

[angstridden2]

I’m an only and although I was fine when little, really wanted a sibling from about 10onwards . I envy my DH’s relationship with his siblings who I also get on with, fortunately. I have more than one child and wish I could have afforded more....they are very close as adults.recognise the intense relationship with my mum too!

[Chrisinthemorning]

YANBU
I’m an only and love it too.
DS is an only, he was ok with it. 9 weeks at home with no one to play with and he’s unhappy.
Don’t just have one- there may be a world pandemic and lockdown!

[Jul1911]

I'm an only child and I have never been unhappy. Also I would never call aging or sick parents a burden 😱

[Coffeeandroses]

Same tbh I don’t feel I’ve missed out being an only child I would say I had a good child hood looking back , I always find it weird how people assume people are Who are only child’s must feel deprived In somewhat way because of being an only child , I personally just see it as my Mum only had me and that’s how it is , some Mums go on to have more kids and some don’t but either way there’s nothing wrong with having no siblings or having brothers and sisters it’s just however life turns out 🤷🏽‍♀️

[Bythebeach]

Years ago I had a thread on whether being an only child went on to influence whether you avoided having an only yourself. I think the thread was split between content only children who were really happy to replicate their childhood and those who really aimed to avoid it.

As an only child, I wasn’t lonely or in any way desperately unhappy but other families looked like they had so much more fun and I really did want siblings. My parents were also a bit intense and in my teens/young adulthood/even now I wished their focus was split with a sibling or two!

As a kid, it seemed the vast majority of my friends had busy, crazy households that seemed brilliant compared to my quiet bookish life. I did have lots of financial/ material advantages as an only but ultimately the experience influenced me massively in not wanting that for my first born. So we have created the noisy, messy, busy household I didn’t have. I get enormous pleasure from my 3 playing together, laughing uncontrollably, arguing at dinner and pushing each other into swimming pools and cuddling round the dog. And now they’re older, banding together to tease me and their dad. There’s such life and camaraderie! It’s all just so much less serious (but so much messier and noisier😂) than my childhood household. I also see now though that that wasn’t entirely due to being an only but also having my older, serious parents!

Not sure how they’ll get on when my kids are older, but in this unanticipated event of lockdown, I’m gladder than ever not to have an only....they’ve had a weirdly lovely, bonding time together so far and not really seemed to be lonely at all!

[Grumpylockeddownwoman]

I’m an only child and have never felt lonely. I’m also very outgoing etc. I’d say my only concern now as my parents get older is that I worry a little more about when they aren’t with my anymore - as although I have extended family etc it’s the same.

[RachelRosie]

I've got an only and we are 99.9% certain it will stay that way.

My "D"B was 6 years older than me and left home at 16 so I spent a lot of time as an only. Got used to my own company. Wasn't the best childhood and I am focusing my attention on giving my one the best upbringing I can.

I occasionally feel guilty, there are no close cousin around. But know its the right decision for our family and she's a happy little thing so far. Loves nursery and her friends so as long as we keep the social aspect up, I think she will be just fine.

With regards to sharing responsibility, my B is as much use as the proverbial chocolate tea pot, we don't talk and I have dealt with any parental health crisis's (physical and mental) on my own. As PP's have posted, siblings do not always equal support.

Also, after listening to some of our neighbours kids row in the garden during lock down, I am feeling more secure in my one and done decision ;)

[MintyCedric]

Generally very happy OC here, and mum of a happy OC. I can't remember ever longing for siblings and DD DD certainly hasn't.

It is tough when it comes to ageing/sick parents though. The one time it's really gotten to me was when my dad had a bad fall and broke his back last year. I was trying to juggle work, popping backwards and forwards to the hospital to feed him and meet with medics, support my mum and facilitate her visits, with my own home to run and teen DD to be around for.

A man was in the bed opposite with a broken hip. He had a wife, 2 sons and 2 daughters who spent the entire duration of his stay tag teaming between them to look after both parents. At one point I just lost it and broke down watching them.

However, back in the real world there are plenty of people with siblings who are unsupportive or they don't get on with. They're no guarantee of a support network.

[Rubyred24]

I'm so grateful for my brother and sister. My daughters lives would be so dull without they make Christmas, Birthdays etc. We chat about our childhood and the memories of all the loved ones we have lost. I do wish they would have children though to expand the family.

[Asthenia]

I’m an only child. I was very lucky that my cousins grew up next door to me so I had an unusual situation with that and I’d say we have a sibling type of relationship.
However the idea of ACTUAL siblings is really weird to me and I love being an only child. I love being the only person in the world who my parents care about so much and it freaks me out the idea of there being another person they felt that way about! The only thing I worry about is making difficult decisions about their care etc when they’re old.

[GreyhoundzRool]

I am an only child. It was great growing up as a child, I was able to do so many more things & hobbies/ experiences than I would have done with siblings.

However as an adult ( once my parents were elderly) it was really tough as everything fell to me. I know people will say you don’t always get on with siblings or they don’t always help but most do. It’s been so stressful & I’ve had no freedom or break from it at all

[NeedToKnow101]

I'm not an only child, but I have an only child, so it's nice to read your post.

Tbh, although my sibling and I got on fine as children, we got on less and less well into adulthood, culminating in verbal abuse, threats and intimidating behaviour (them to me), all of which happened while trying to cope with our elderly dad's decline and demise. Obviously this was a stressful time anyway, but their behaviour towards me has killed off any chance or desire of a good sibling relationship now.

[Fishfingersandwichplease]

Thanks OP. My mum is an only child and when l broke it to her l was unable to have any more children she said she always wished she'd had a sibling but actually loves the fact she doesn't need anyone to survive....most independent person l know so hoping my daughter takes after her and doesn't resent me for not giving her a sibling. My best mate is also an only child and she loved it....probably cos we were always together as kids lol but even now l am closer to her than l am my actual sister

[NeedToKnow101]

Oh and I meant to add, it would actually have been 100% easier to care for my parent alone, although I imagine if I was an only child I would have had that fantasy about a supportive sibling relationship, and missed that.

[Settle59]

YANBU. Being an only child can potentially be a great experience

[whattodo2019]

I agree. I'm an only child. I hate the perfect childhood. Very close to my parents. I wish I lived closer to them rather 3.5 hours away

[MyopiaUtopia]

I'm an only child and I've always really struggled with it, I've always felt lonely and I will do whatever I can to make sure I have more than one child myself.

[lovepickledlimes]

@NeedToKnow101 I do agree there are a lot of variables to each situation. My mum planned me as an only child due to the bad relationship with her own siblings and felt that being similar to her I would be the sibling at a disadvantage etc.

I do feel though being an only child especially with my mum all her attention and devotions were on me which can be rather intense. Like if she is disappointed with life it is all on me etc. Does not help that though I do love her I find it hard to be on the same wave length.

[Pinktornado]

Very happy only child here too. I went to a childminder and my parents always made sure I had loads of friends around and went to pretty much every club going.

The only negative I have is that I am useless at falling out with people and am very non-confrontational. Do other only children find that too? I think it’s because I never got to practise on siblings growing up - falling out and making up. With friends/partners I’ve always just got really upset at arguments and ended up apologising, even when I was not in the wrong at all. It might just be personality, of course. I’m definitely toughening up with old age though!

[lovepickledlimes]

@Pinktornado oh totally

[Bubblebee7]

@Pinktornado that’s interesting. The OC people I have come across as usually quite assertive people and make themselves known in a positive way.