To love being an only child?

[NotTheLemonGumDrops]

I see so many posts on here where people feel guilty that they can't 'give' their child a sibling.

I just wanted to say that I am really happy as the only child. I had a really good childhood and I don't think it affected me at all, nor has it affected me as an adult.

Are there any other only children on here that were /are perfectly happy not to have siblings and don't understand why it's seen as so awful?

I'm not in any way suggesting it's better, but I don't really understand why it's seen as worse than or having multiple brothers/sisters or something for people to feel guilty about. It has never bothered me at all.

[BooseysMom]

I'm one of those guilty ones who keep posting on One Child Families! We have been unable to provide a sibling. It's worse as i know i'm prob still ovulating but age makes me very wary and unwilling to ttc. I had DS at 41 so i did have a few years but circumstances dictated and it never happened.
But i look at DS and he doesn't seem to care and is very happy as long as we play with him! We have to fulfill all roles but as he grows he is getting better at conpromise and it suddenly feels easier.

[BlueBooby]

*Don't you think it depends on your childhood though. My husband was an only child and he loved it. His parents were very loving.
I grew up with one sibling in a single parent house where my mother had serious depression and alcohol problems. I think if I was an only child I would have felt it harder and At least I had my sibling for support!

@Rayn that's interesting, I had a similar scenario but it left me with me kind of the opposite view. I also had a difficult childhood but as the eldest of my siblings I felt a duty of care towards the younger ones to shelter them from everything, and they were more of a burden (for want of a better word) to me than a support. There isn't a big age gap between us but it was in my head that it was my job to look after them for some reason. I'm not resentful of them for it, it wasn't their fault, we were all children, but I think it would have been easier if I'd been an only child and only had my own needs to worry about. It obviously very much depends on the family set up and the individuals.

[Sweetbabycheezits]

I was a very happy only child, as well. I am from a close knit extended family, and am very close with my aunts, uncles and cousins. I also relish being on my own and can happily entertain myself.
What shifted slightly was the birth of DS and DD...they are SO close, and I feel like I'm missing out on having that kind of relationship(although I do know that not all siblings are close). I also feel tremendously guilty about my parents...i live overseas, and as they get older, there isn't anyone else to look after them if they need it.

[RonSwansonIsBuff]

I'm an only, parents couldn't have more due to fertility problems which I of course neve knew about at the time.

I'm perfectly fine about it and always have been, never feel like I'm missing out. I have cousins and a close friend group. My best friend is an only too so we say we're the sisters we never had!

I know from looking at DHs relationship with his brother that having a sibling doesn't necessarily mean they are going to help out when shit happens, or even like each other. DH hates his brother, BIL is selfish and just a bit of a prick really. I already know he'll do absolutely nothing to help when the time comes with PIL. DH often says he feels like he doesn't have a sibling at all.

[ToriaPumpkin]

I'm an only due to mum not being able to have more children, though obviously we didn't discuss that until I was older. I never felt particularly like I was missing out on anything, never asked about siblings etc and don't really feel I missed much.

When my dad died a few years ago my DH and mum helped me organise everything, and when it comes to it I assume/hope DH will help me with arrangements for my mum. It's all well and good saying a sibling would help but my BIL is about as useful as a chocolate fireguard when it comes to practicalities and money, so I doubt he'll suddenly become super efficient and helpful when it comes to his parents' estates.

I'm quite an anxious person, but that's down to the fact my father was an abusive alcoholic. Obviously I can't categorically state that if he hadn't been I wouldn't have other issues, but I really think not having siblings was and is the least of my issues.

I have two DC myself and they're not nearly as good at entertaining themselves as I was and it drives me batshit becauseI need space from them sometimes for the sake of my own mental health, one of the benefits of the recent changes to school and work life has been that they're getring much better at managing their time and not needing my constant input.

[SewingWarriorQueen76]

Some of these conversations are about choosing to only have one. Some parents can only ever have one. It's out of their hands and maybe something they didn't want to discuss.
Just a point.

[barberousbarbara]

I'm a happy only child. I had a wonderful childhood and a very close relationship with my parents. We spent holidays with other families. My Mom had a friend who also had an only and we saw them nearly every day, so I never grew up lonely and I have lots of shared memories.

My Dad died a few years ago and my Mom now has dementia so her care has fallen to me. It can be hard at times but at least there's only me to make the decision and I don't have to discuss argue with a sibling.

My DP has 6 siblings and had a far lonelier childhood than me. He didn't get on very well with any of his siblings and his parents didn't have enough time to spend with them all. He spent huge portions of time on his own. He and his siblings are now not in contact with each other and only two have anything to do with their Mom. My closest friend has a brother who she tolerates because they're related but he's not someone she would ever choose as a friend. Every situation is different.

[formerbabe]

For me the thing that worries me is when as an adult and parents no longer alive is that only children may be left with very little family and support networks plus children with no cousins.

My parents died when I was quite young. I'm so pleased I have a sister who lives close to me and cousins for my dc to play with. Extended family don't live near me so I'd be quite alone really.

[HissyFitz2020]

turquoise50

Glad to know you found the book enlightening too - it quite surprised me.

[turquoise50]

@HissyFitz2020 I have that book too! I remember reading it when I was in my twenties and it was like a lightbulb going on about why I felt certain things. Not necessarily in a good way! I should probably have got therapy afterwards as it raised more questions (about the long term psychological impact of being an Only) than it answered. Much of it has stayed with me though, a couple of decades on.

I’m not saying being an Only is a bad thing. There are lots of advantages both as a child and an adult (no inheritance squabbles!) but there are pitfalls which you have to watch out for. Although I never planned to have just one child myself, in many ways I’m glad that if DS has to grow up as an Only, he's got me as a mum because I at least know what to be aware of. Sometimes he'll do or say something and it'll jump out at me as 'typical only child behaviour' (because I was the same but also because of that book) and I'll try hard to correct!

[emwantsbiscuits]

Two votes here for happy only children from me and my DP. :) I would like to have another child but but if my DS ends up being an only then I don’t think he will miss out.
I have never wanted a sibling. You really don’t miss what you never had. Everyone’s situation is unique but my friends growing up fought like cat and dog with their siblings so I never felt like I was missing out.

[HissyFitz2020]

@Pinktornado

Just read your comment. This is my experience too. I tend simply to avoid people for ever after rather than face confrontation with them! May I recommend a book I read some years ago? - "Only Child: How to Survive Being One" by Jill Pitkeathly. I can't say that it particularly gave me useful strategies, so much as just gave me an insight into reasons why I might be the way I am. Being an only child typically has a lasting psychological effect. It just isn't the stereotype the rest of the world takes for granted, being a spoilt, prima donna type!

[TheFuckingDogs]

Nice to hear some positive OC stories, we have been “unable” to give our DC a sibling and sometimes the guilt eats me up. The flip side of this however is two loving parents and a happy home, relatives nearby and a “village” of close friends both for us and Dc - lockdown has made me realise my child has still felt happy and secure despite potentially the loneliest of situations for an OC so feeling positive about that

[Shoxfordian]

I'm an only child
I was really happy as a child, still am happy so it was good for me. I'm very comfortable with my own company and independent. I'm very close with my parents too

[squeekums]

If you take China as a case study, the majority of overseas Chinese that I know who were only children themselves, have chosen to have more than one child

But i know for me and i dare say most in western world, we dont have the same rigid thinking of the Chinese, the full on duty to family, the same high achiever at all costs mentality.
Like for me i dont expect dd to care for me, nor does dp
All our hopes and dreams aint on her to achieve, happiness is key
If dd wants to move overseas, good on her, she dont have to stay out of duty
Also the 1 child thing isnt forced here, when its forced you would have more parents putting pressure on the only to hold up the family name, be perfect. When choice is taken away, you react differently

[missyoumuch]

If you take China as a case study, the majority of overseas Chinese that I know who were only children themselves, have chosen to have more than one child. There are a lot of caring responsibilities they have to deal with for elderly parents and then also for adult children/grandchildren. It's quite a burden for a lot of people and they'd rather not put those responsibilities onto just one child given the option.

[eaglejulesk]

I've always enjoyed being an only child and had a happy childhood. I'm perfectly happy with my own company, and find it funny when people have asked how I've coped with lockdown (I live alone) when I can tell by their tone that they think I must be miserable! I never feel lonely.

The only time I wished I had siblings was as my parents aged and I would have liked someone to share the load. However, I got through that okay, and on hearing stories from friends who do have siblings that doesn't necessarily mean it's easier.

[turquoise50]

I’m an only child and it didn't consciously bother me at all as a child. I was very happy in my own company, was able to entertain myself very well, don't ever remember seriously wanting a sibling other than out of vague curiosity.

However once I hit adulthood I realised that there had been issues in my childhood that resulted directly from being an only, which I didn't fully comprehend at the time. For example finding it very difficult to make friends at school or, later, university. This has improved over time - as a result of me working quite hard on it - and I’m more or less over it now, but I'm certainly not someone who craves the company of others (so lockdown not a big deal for me tbh).

The other thing was the kind of intensity of the relationship I had with my parents, which I really didn't enjoy, from my teens onwards. We were very close when I was a child and then it really deteriorated after I went to uni, with lots of expectations (not career related - more the emotional stuff). I guess I had the stereotypical 'delayed teenage rebellion' when I was in my 20s. They are both dead now and while I miss them very much, there's a part of me that's relieved if I’m honest, and not just about the fact that they both died relatively young (early 70s) so that I never had to deal with the whole dementia and care home life stage for them. It's also more about the pressure being off, if that's not an awful thing to say.

My DS is also an Only (not my plan at all, but I had him very late so that was that) and I made very sure that he would be around other kids as much as possible from the earliest age. He likes having friends way more than I ever did, but it's drifting more the other way as he gets a bit older. I’m not sure I’m doing so well on the 'not having expectations' front though and I worry about that a bit!

He occasionally says he wishes he had a brother, but I just tell him they'd probably fight. He has a close friendship with a neighbour's DS who's just a bit younger and they're almost like brothers - and they DO fight, so he gets it.

What I feel more guilty about tbh is that I haven't been able to provide him with aunts, uncles and cousins (or, as it turns out, grandparents). On my side of the family there's just me, some step-relations and some distant cousins, none his age, and all miles away, so basically no-one. He's got some cousins on his dad's side whom he gets on with but again they're a bit older. That lack of family age peers is my biggest regret because I had that growing up too (I can remember being always literally the only child in the room at family gatherings) and I hated it, and it's SO not what I would have chosen for a child of mine.

[overtly]

I am an only and the gap was plugged with cousins and we'd go on big holidays with friends family, one of which was also an only. I'll be honest now I'm older it does make me a little sad there's no chance of cousins on my side for my DC plus having to cope with parents dying on my own. I chose not to have an only.

[bigfootfred]

I'm one of 4 and not really close to my siblings and even tho being one of 4 I remember also feeling lonely and being upset about not having many friends etc maybe a normal thing children go through so I guess we all probably have times of loneliness

Being the closest in distance to my parents and probably relationally I do take the burdon when they are ill etc but when both parents had serious illness a couple of years ago it was nice to have some support even if from a distance. Dh was also amazing support most of the time

[Jabba2020]

I'm an only and hated it, still hate it now, as an adult.
My children don't have aunts or uncles, will never have cousins.
I worried so much about my child being the only child from only parents and being alone and was so pleased when we had more children.

[Bubblebee7]

It’s definitely true I had tons of cousins my mothers sister had 5 kids growing up so we had plenty also my dad was from a huge family so even though I wasn’t an OC I don’t think it would of mattered. However my own child doesn’t really have many cousins apart from 1 at the minute and he’s an OC. We can just hope for the best.

[lovepickledlimes]

@Bubblebee7 that is so true. Though I had cousins all of them were hours away etc. Maybe if they had been closer I would not have minded as much

[Bubblebee7]

I think it depends on the size of your family if you have a few close cousins you won’t mind as much being an only child. Where as if your an only child and you have no extended family your own age group that’s a different scenario.

[Louisesp82]

I am an only child, I really liked it growing up, continuing to enjoy it into adulthood. My daughter is also an only child, there are times I wish she had a sibling, if she is bored or feeling lonely, although having talked to her about it, she doesn't seem to mind. She has been able to have experiences that would have been more difficult if she had a sibling (she has travelled a lot) I know that isn't the be all and end all though