To expect some recognition

[thegreenmachine]

From my husband for doing everything bar the washing up at home.

He point blank refuses to acknowledge my contribution to running our home and making his life easier.

I am, however, criticised pretty quickly though when I make a mistake. Even if he doesn't criticise, he will comment.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

He sounds a delight.....

I just couldn't live with someone who treated my contribution so dismissively....
So he's helped out since your relative died.... This is ueat another example of men thinking they need praise as rescuing the little women (when it sounds temporary /emergency) while ignoring your 20 yr (?) contribution of running the house/cooking EVERY DAY...

As for getting angry when you do stop?? Fuck that...

I really wouldn't give him a share in the business... As this gives him way too much power.... You can learn stuff!! Any tasks that are truly too heavy, you could always get a fit student in for a couple of hours a week?

Who said he was the boss?? (over you-with everything)

[Sexnotgender]

I agree peggy.

OP try saying no to him, just to see what he does. Then you’ll see what he really wants.

[Milssofadoesntreallyfit]

I would consider the family business situation myself. The flexibility it can bring can be great yes, seeing the business thrive is great. You can hire extra staff yes, but that's a different thread altogether.
I run a business with my husband, have been for 10 yrs. The business is going well, my hrs are flexible, I can work from home BUT, he extra stress that comes from having full control can be overwhelming. Dealing with staff can be draining find myself resenting that they have full statutory rights an I have none.
The strain of working with my husband has effected our family life and would have been enough to break most couples.
I now see that for me employment is better.
We are planning an exit strategy. We were poorer but happier before.

Was it the same before you had to run your business or better? Does ne just help in the family business at the weekend? His view of running a business if he's always been employed may be warped. We have close family members who look in at what we do and they have unrealistic views on the practicalities of running a business they completely underestimate how different it is to employment. Even dealing with this can be stressful.
Could what I've described be part of the problem, what was your previous work like an what was he like then. Is him being like this a new thing as I can tell you, family businesses aren't for everyone.

[saraclara]

Yes, it so become his business. So DON'T do anything legal that ties him to it. The business is yours. If necessary appoint someone part time to do what he does at the weekend.
He's had his inheritance. Tie your business up to you alone, and make a will leaving it to your kids (if you have them - sorry when you mention his kids I assume they're step kids)

I can see this all unfolding. And I'm not one of the drama queens on this board. He's legally linked to the company. He takes over the boss role, you split up, he ends up with it, and it eventually belongs to his kids.

Get advice, and say no, he's not the boss. It's your company.

[ChristmasFluff]

This is not a partnership, you are the hired help. Except you are literally going to end up paying for that privilege.

At the very least, do not let him anywhere near the family business.

Ultimately, your choice is to either stay with him and accept this is how it is, or to end the relationship. He isn't going to change, and no amount of explanation will help, because he fully understands the situation, and he doesn't care. It suits him and your needs do not matter to him.

It's not a communication issue, it's his personality that is the problem.

[EdwinaMay]

Honestly just leave him.

Do not give him more power over your life.

We are retired now and I still do everything. Whilst DH does hobbies and I have to pretend I don't mind or I get a sulky toddler. Before it's too late leave.

[Sexnotgender]

How old are you OP?

[TwilightPeace]

Do you feel loved? Do you love him?

Unfortunately he isn’t going to change. Getting angry when you try to talk about your feelings is abusive. The situation (you doing everything) is extremely beneficial to him but unsustainable long term, now that you are coming to your breaking point.

Do you want to leave?

[anothernamechangeagain]

Perhaps I should also mention that my family member who died has left my husband and his children tens of thousands of pounds.

I realise it was given unconditionally but I know my family member did it because he assumed my husband would be helpful.

I don't really understand why your family member would leave it to your husband instead of you? That seems really weird.

[dottiedodah]

The more you do it, the more he will take you for granted ,thats the problem .Could you think of leaving if you will be wealthier ? That is the only thing that may make him sit up and take notice really .Otherwise if you do have some more money from your business ,then think of employing a cleaner?

[nannieann]

It sounds like he sees a wife as a subordinate and lacks respect for you and your contribution. His mindset needs serious adjustment. I would get paid help in the house to free you up to concentrate on the family business in which you are definitely the boss. I wouldn't give him a formal role in the business unless/until he is able to adjust his antiquated outlook.

[thegreenmachine]

He had no descendants and left lots of gifts to various people. My family member admired my husband for his career achievements within the same type of business. I know he thought he would help me and perhaps wanted to make it clear that he would value his help to me on sorting out the estate. Obviously I can't really speak for him though and his reasoning.

I'm in my mid forties.

[SallyWD]

I was a SAHM for 7 years and it was really important I got recognition from DH. I needed to know he valued my contribution. He frequently told me how much he appreciated all I did. If he didn't I would gave found it very difficult to value and respect him!

[endofthelinefinally]

I agree with pp that you should use some of your inheritance/income to employ some practical help. We were running a charity and I was juggling too many roles. We decided to employ a book keeper and she was worth her weight in gold. The work got done in half the time, leaving us free to do everything else.
Also, getting a bit of help with domestic chores can be a godsend.

[opticaldelusion]

He doesn't value you or your contribution. He's gets angry and refuses to talk to you if you tell him you're unhappy. He plays tit-for-tat games if he feels you're not doing what he wants.

And you want to tie yourself even further to this man by taking him into your family business? Why? It sounds like an unpleasant and unrewarding experience. I'd be thinking about extricating myself completely.

[RuggerHug]

Do NOT let him be involved legally in anything with the business. There's so much wrong with everything you've said but don't give him anything to do with that, please!!!

[saraclara]

There's so much wrong with everything you've said

Yes. He doesn't value you at home, so he won't value you in the business either. He will make the business his, one way or another. Either by sidelining you, or by getting his name on it legally and then dumping you.

[Standupthisisnotateaparty]

He wants to be involved because he wants your money. End of

It certainly reads this way.

[mummmy2017]

It looks like you have inherited money, so as soon as this is over get someone in to help.

[Peggysgettingcrazy]

So your relative left money to him.

Half that money is/was legally yours?

How is the company set up, as your husband could own half of that once its sorted.

[thegreenmachine]

It's complicated to explain but the business technically ends on my relatives death. I am currently in a notice period as executor. I can then either close the business or negotiate new terms if the landlord is willing. They may choose to do something else with their property. It's not a business that can be started up elsewhere (ie. a shop on the high street). I don't really want to out myself. I will inherit other things that will help with the business or can be sold.

If I get to negotiate terms, he would then want to be involved. He told me the other day that him being involved is going to give me more clout with other people. Ie. People will respect him being in the business, again suggesting that I'm not to be respected in my own right.

I have dealt with some difficult issues so far involving a lot of people skills and negotiation and plenty of legal issues arising from the poor state of things I inherited. Again, not recognised.

I have all the legal and financial responsibilities and have had to learn fast. He hasn't helped with any of that. He has helped with some of the practicalities. He seems to think the managerial side is irrelevant and his odd jobs are what's keeping the business running. They're not but they are certainly helpful whilst I learn the ropes and beneficial where I physically can't do the job.

I have been self employed for years and employed and I agree with whoever said about the emotional burden of knowing that every last bit of responsibility falling to you. He's always been employed and all the really difficult stuff he can pass to someone else.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

It sounds like he has no respect for you and really patronises you - people will listen more and you will have more clout if he is involved!? So he doesnt think people will listen to little old you if you don't have an important man to back you up? I'd be very wary about tying myself into business with someone like this

[EKGEMS]

You want him involved in the business?? Really? Wake up and smell the damn coffee-you DO realize women can vote now and you most definitely sound capable of managing without your deadweight of a husband to answer to! Hell I wouldn't tolerate that nonsense at home from that clown much less the business

[GunungBatur]

Please think very carefully about whether you actually want to have this business, whether he's involved or not. It takes an enormous personal toll on you, and there comes a point that if it's not something you absolutely love, it can destroy you.

Separate out the two issues. Do you want to remain with him or leave him? It sounds as though he needs to have far more respect and recognition of you contribution to your family.

[ShallallalAa]

Christ on a bike op if you will be significantly wealthier than him I would be off like a shot!